My Mothers health worries

[52andblue]

I live 375m from my Mother.
This is not a coincidence.
She was neglectful when I was young.
However... she has told me she has some health concerns.

She is now 82, until recently in good health.
Some health anxiety re Covid but not apart from this.
(she is double jabbed & boosted but still disinfecting shopping)

She seems sharp enough mentally, a bit forgetful but age appropriate.
She has had 'some narrowing of hte back passage for a while but GP just tells me to use Seno-kot which I do but I only 'go' every 4/5 days so I am in quite a lot of pain, hurts to sit down etc'.
More worryingly she tells me she has lost 1-2st in the last few months and is permanantly thirsty. She is extremely tired. She only gets dressed once a week to go shopping with her H. She sits outside in the car whilst he gets a few bits in. Then she has to lie down for 2 days.
I have told her that sudden weight loss, extreme fatigue & unquenchable thirst should be investigated. She says GP's are not seeing people for months, anyway she''ll get passed to 'that foreign man' (oh, yes, did I mention she is racist?) who told me to take Senokot' so whats the point. She won't go to A&E as 'its not A&E matter'. She won't even go to ask at the Pharmacist in case she catches Covid.

I am a long way away. I could travel (not easy for me, I am a Carer for my 2 kids) but she probably wouldn't let me in as I will have been on dirty trains, so I think that's pointless.

Not sure what I am asking really sorry.
But would you be concerned about a 1+st weight loss, thirst & fatigue to this extent? I wondered about diabetes, or thyroid issues?

Do either of you have a poa or lpoa which might enable you to speak to the medics involved or McMillan? Don't get drawn in to any discharge plans though. All too often a patient may say they have family support when in reality it is miles away even if willing and able. Is a care home short term an option?

Re POA:

I've got a POA in place, as we all should. I've named the DC as potential people to act for me.

But the POA is not activated. My DC have no rights to act on my behalf unless it's activated if I become unable to manage my own affairs.

@mathanxiety Thank you for saying that. It is so helpful to hear that.

@LIZS no chance I would be allowed to be involved in that sort of thing.

I got a text from Brother (after I wrote to him aabout 5 weeks ago) last night.
Timing is not a coincidence I shouldnt think?
'I will not pretend I've let you down by not telling you Mum in hospital but didnt think shed be in so long & not being next of kin they wont talk to me. Dad is struggling to find out how her scan went'.

It sounds like brother doesn't know of the letter with the '3 kinds of cancer' news that Dad seems to think it contains. I replied to say: 'what is your email please, I might have some info that you're not aware of that you should know?' No reply. So, I'll post it. All I can do is behave in a way I think is fit & proper.

But the 'secrets & lies' in my family - to the very end it seems?

(not sure how I managed the 'crossed out' lines, couldn't do that if I tried, lol)

I think you've tried your best but sadly are banging your head against a brick wall. They sound a rum lot...

Welp, I guess if you want to see your mother again now might be the time to try, as it sounds as though she's terminally ill. But I for one would nod and say, "absolutely", if you told me you thought nobody would benefit from you doing that. Under the circumstances you've covered in your previous posts.
Have a think and do what works best for you personally.
Some people are messed up, and some of those are parents - unfortunately. And that is that...

This. I think you have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship with her is was it is, won't change now and that its not your fault. You can't change her choices. As has been said, you need support for your feelings.

@52andblue, yes, secrets and lies to the end.

I am not sure you are going to receive acknowledgement of your experience from anyone in your family. A culture of insiders and outcasts seems to be the order of the day, with attendant power plays. Your dad's dementia is interrupting the dynamic, or possibly inadvertently contributing to it.

Will you be able to work toward creating closure on your own, as a gift for yourself, both your current self and your younger self, once you have got through this latest incarnation of what I suspect is a long running trauma?

Yes. I probably need to 'step back' for my own good.
But I am not yet clear whether that is before or after she dies.

What has shocked me is not so much their behaviour to me as this is the latest in a lifetime of such behaviour but Brother's lack of care for them too.

I got a text from him (SIL?) yesterday at 8pm: 'been to see mum, she is very poorly, it was quite upsetting to see her like this she has deteriorated in recent weeks. she has got cancer in lungs & pelvic area, no treatment, care & medicine to make her comfortable. I will visit twice a week.'

This is in direct reply to my 3 page letter 3 days ago telling him (more detailed) medical info re her cancer and saying that a Discharge plan needs sorting. (and of course after weeks of 'him' saying: 'Mum seems fine, but not seen her much, but she seems fine on the phone' When she was telling me she was ill & I was helping her word letters to the GP / work out which one best to call (though she'd always say she 'couldn't remember the exact names' & there is no doubt that she has waited a long time for scans & diagnosis)

I replied to the text to say: 'oh No!, I was hoping Dad was a bit muddled but it really IS that bad. I am sorry it was upsetting to see. I have seen 2 friends go through stage 4 cancer & it can be grim. They will both need a lot of support. Can you look into a McMillan nurse? I will call tomorrow. I will visit next week. I will do anything I can to support them (& you supporting them if I can).'

Reply: 'no need'.
I don't actuallly know if my half brother is receiving my messages or they are being intercepted by my SIL (long history of appalling behaviour esp around money). I have only been given her mobile & her email address not his.
I will probably never know as it's very likely he is simply awful too.

I guess the next thing is to call my Mother (who didn't call back from my call to the hosp on Thurs) and see what sort of response I get to my suggestion of visiting her.

All I can do is what I think is right. I think it is an olive branch until she dies
(sadly not long by the sounds of it)

OP I do think it's important that you work out what you need now - and important ly, try to distinguish what you can affect/change, from what you can't. So although your family are displaying some very very odd and i appropriate behaviours towards you, each other and indeed, themselves, there is very little you are likely to be able to do about it. And it seems highly unlikely they will cooperate in doing anything for you that doesn't immediately suit their frankly inexplicable agendas.

The person you must care for, help and protect here is yourself. Now that your mother is in the medical system you don't have any outstanding responsibilities towards her (its arguable whether you had any even before she was diagnosed, given her past treatment of you)

Know that we hear you - they are batshit and would seem to have treated you appallingly. I am not a professional but it would be my guess that the healing you need will not involve any of them, and your main job is to complete your escape from them being able to make you feel anything at all.

They will have their own reasons for not behaving properly towards you, but it is vanishing ly unlikely that they will change. Youll never vet anything different from them I don't think. Be kind to yourself and find independent support to heal.

Oh lovely, it is so hard to bear isn't it.

You are absolutely right, keep all your expectations of what others will do very low, and the same as ever. As others have said, they won't change now, and it comes down to freedom of choice, freedom to make bad decisions.

You then have to find a position that balances what you would wish to happen in an ideal sense (ie what is "right" by your mum) with what you can handle the real world, holding your own boundaries and self care and need to support your kids. And accepting that this is in a world where you only have 25% of the information, so are entirely hamstrung anyway in terms of making and supporting good choices. Just do your best, within the many constraints limitations. Then you can look yourself in the eye afterwards and know you did your best, and sleep easy.

It is horrible, it is hard. You sound remarkably well balanced if you grew up amongst such confusion and obfuscation. I hope you have good support for yourself.

I want to say a huge THANK YOU to those who have replied to me here.
I cannot begin to express how much it means to be heard.
I literally don't have the words. There is kindness here like I have not known.
It is also hugely helpful to hear posters say that I need to think of myself now. Patterns are hard to break. I think any visit needs to be a 'new pattern' inside myself. THEY will not change of course (& might be worse in times of stress) but I can change how I respond to them. I guess the Qu is whether I need to actually travel to see them to do that or not. Certainly they will not care if I do.

Yes, this is the end of a truly messed up dynamic which was begun by my Mother. And hers before her - I think. She thinks she 'did better' than her Mother (she wasn't an alcoholic who beat me). BUT she absolutely refused to let me be part of any family (or release me for adoption which I used to pray for). all other 'family' members followed her lead (or there would be hell to pay). She abandoned my half brother aged 3 to live with my bio Father then when he died in an RTA she brought me back to live with her husband but I was an embarrassment so they sent me to school with his name (yet we lived in a tiny village where EVERYONE knew) so it was secrets & lies from the beginning. Add in incesteous abuse (she knew) as well & it reads like a trashy paperback. But, it has been my life. Which has been a process of seeing that all my relationships have been affected by my massive lack of self esteem (sometimes leading to poor choices). I am in my 50's now. Separated. All I want is for my children to be OK & for me to be able to look myself in the face.

So, to move from this online counselling blurt (sorry!) to the facts

Yesterday, I had a phone call with my Mother (I called her).
She was calm, fairly detached (better than being nasty). I asked if she wanted me to bring the kids to see her but she said No. I suggested I visit briefly. She said 'OK if you want' (as good as it ever gets / got with her even when well)

Surprisingly yesterday I had a text from my half brother.
He has attached a copy of my Mother's Diagnosis & Discharge Letters.
She has cancer in a number of places (as well as heart issues)
No 'prognosis' but she clearly doesn't have long to live I think (she is not in pain but is not able to keep food down now). I imagine she will need more care than is currently avail at the end. I spoke to Dad too & asked him if he'd like me to look into a McMillan nurse. He said yes.

I believe in God but I have never felt God 'belives in me'.
I've been doing some soul searching in the night about whether my 'good daughter' behaviour is simply an act of will (to be 'better than them' perhaps?) or purer than that. I don't suppose it matters if my behaviour is ok in the end. I think how I feel about it is what matters most.
So, I can have a think what is best for ME today.

It strikes me that your SIL and BIL may be eyeing up an inheritance, and suspect you are trying to curry favour with your mother in order to benefit financially when she dies, so trying to keep you out of the loop and discouraging you from visiting. Yet another sordid layer to this is this is the case.

I hope you can one day look yourself in the mirror with love, respect, kindness, and forgiveness. You deserve all of that.

@mathanxiety
I can see why you might wonder that but my Mother actually made all this clear years ago. Because she never allowed her husband (who I was raised to believe was my Dad until I was 16 & got my birth cert, but still encouraged to pay respects to as a Father eg I didn't want to be 'given away' at my wedding (as I was 32 by then) but my Mother kicked up a stink about 'offending Dad')

Anyway. She said to me years ago: 'remember you better be very very nice to your Dad & brother as if I die first then you'll get nothing as I wont make a will'.
My parents worked hard all their lives - dont 'have a lot, but do have a house.

My Brother left home aged 24 when he was given a house (Dad's Mother died & left her house to him & he handed it to Brother). But I have a nephew & neice & my SIL is very avaricious yes. I have never hoped for anything for myself. But I do have 2 disabled children & I would hope that my Mother would want all her grandchildren treated the same. But I do wonder if it passes down to them being treated differently too. I offered to bring them down to see her (they are teenagers so not 'little' to be frightened) but she said no. Last time we visited (last summer) my parents met us at the station. Said 'no room in car to have a lift back to ours for a cuppa' so Dad drove home, Mum walked along the High St with us for an hour (didn't want tea or an icecream) barely spoke to kids then got a bus home. Odd, unkind, 'un-giving' in every poss way.

But I shouldnt' think brother/SIL has any worries on the financial front.
I would never see a penny even if I went through Court. Which I wouldn't.

Thank you for your kind words. I think I really need them atm.
I 'worked through' all this in my 20's with a good Counsellor (I needed to do work re the abuse, which was quite bad). So I am suprised it is 'hitting me' so hard. But it is. Ho hum. On we go. One foot in front of the other x

I practically badgered Dad to call the GP back re the vomiting.
Good thing as GP had no idea she'd been admitted (no letters from hosp yet). GP got anti nausea meds to her same day (plus sleeping tablets for Dad). Arranged McMillan nurse visit plus LA 'home assesment'. GP is shit hot!
Mother not happy but could tell Dad relieved that outside help kicking in.

I spoke to Her & there was a lot of lionising of Brother / SIL. C'est la vie!
I offered to visit too & she was very ambivalent. So am I tbh. But I 've booked tickets to go down beg next week (1st time i can travel as exH away & literally no one else who can take care of ASD kids in a manageable way for them & they are my priority here). I don't know how helpful it'll be (for me), but I'll try.

I'll update this thread next week though as it's been a useful place to think things through & all the responses have been very helpful for me too x

I went to see her. She was in a pitiful state due to illness but also the house condition (thank god nurses in daily).

Within 15 mins of arrival she stated she's saved a couple of hundred pounds for each of my kids but 'your brother will have to sort it after I die. I've been through the money with him & we've agreed you should have some too so here it is'. She gave me an Iceland carrier bag containing some loose £10 notes, 7 old birthday cards and 9 pics of my bio Dad's grave. Then she said I could go.

I said I will if you want but I've spent 12 hours coming 350m to see you so let me put the flowers i brought from your Grandchildren in a vase, show you their card, cut the cake they sent for Dad & peel the grapes I brought. I can also do the washing up/clean & cook for Dad'.

She said: ' it was ALWAYS understood your brother would get the house (£250k?) always. We've all agreed for years'. I said nothing. I wasn't going to beg & it wasn't why I'd gone either.
I managed to stay for 5 hours (not easy). Talked to her about my kids, Talked to Dad about the garden. But, it was like chatting to strangers at a bus stop. No real connection at all.

She said a couple of really nasty things about my bio Dad: (odd as she literally had a house-shrine to him for years). Mostly talked about my sainted brother

I sat and bit my lip whilst she told me how my niece (23) 'needed someone to buy her rented house as its up for sale & she doesn't want to move out as she likes it. Your Brother will move Dad into his spare attic room as soon as I go so it might all work out' & she beamed at me.

I don't know if I did 'the right thing'. I did, by her (more than she deserved) but I don't know if I did by myself ?
I won't see her again (I think she'll pass very soon). I don't think I will attend any funeral (if I'm invited). I might have to encounter my abusive Uncle & I will spare myself that possibility at least.

As I left she gripped my hands & said: 'you're my daughter. I know we've not always got on but no more than any other family'. I said: 'I won't say 'goodbye Mum, I'll say 'au revior' and she said: 'well you always gave yourself airs & graces'. Then I left.

So your sainted brother has been working to secure the house for himself, probably whispering plenty about you in her ear, and is very likely shitting himself that you are visiting and showing concern, and has impressed on your M that you are only doing this in order to make her change her will. Hence the bag with the tenners and the comment that you always knew the house was going to him, and hence also the insulting of your bio dad - it makes you less of a family member in her eyes.

Your family are so rotten, I have no words.

I ended up in resuss last month with similar symptoms.
I had a uti and blood sugars of 26, keytones 1.7 and now on insulin twice a day

I'm sorry your visit was as it was but duty done and you know where you stand. I thought my family was strange but it is what it is and we must process it and move on as best we can. I know personally I'd be in two minds about attending the funeral when the time comes, especially with the distance involved but from now on I think it's Ok for you to do whatever is best for you.

@CrotchetyQuaver

thanks for your post. I think it's unlikely I will attend her funeral as a. I have said my goodbye to her & any attendance would be more for 'show' so pointless. And, more importantly, her brother whom she allowed to abuse me as a child will attend. And I don't need to put myself through either the fear of / actually seeing him to 'pay my respects' to her. I need to pay them to myself now.

@mathanxiety
thank you for your post.
The thing is, my Brother is only behaving the way he is because SHE herself has always treated me as an outsider and actually encouraged others to do so too.
Dad told me years ago that he had wanted to adopt me properly (I was sent to school in his name & 'discovered' age 16 when I got my birth cert for passport) He is the most honest bloke so that rang true. On Monday she said I could 'ask her anything'. This was post her statement about 'inheritance' etc so I couldn't see much point 'raking up the past' as it would only be interpreted badly.
I did ask 2 things though: 1. Was I Christened & if so where (she has given different answers over the years but I need to know as I want to train for Church Secondly I asked her why I'd never been adopted (either by Dad or another decent family frankly though I did't put it that way!). I expected her to say out of loyalty to your bio Dad / it was socially embarrassing or somesuch but she actually pulled a fresh insult out of the bag & said: 'well, paperwork is such a bother isn't it?'. Like it was changing Gas supplier / house insurance etc.

I don't think she ever loved or respected me as a person. That example, and her occasional horrible encouragement of that, has meant the others don't either.

I worry my son saw me accepting such treatment at the end but it's done now.

I was on a train with my children when I was informed that My Mother had died (brief text from SIL). There will be no funeral or memorial & her ashes will be kept by my Brother (who didn't speak to me, nor did Dad). It is, finally, over.

@52andblue so sorry reading your posts and the latest few in particular. I’m sorry you had such a difficult, painful and alienating relationship with your mother.
Please be kind to yourself and treat yourself with care.

So very sorry. Your family - if you call them that - are messed up. A shocking way to behave - sending a belated text with that news? No funeral? Not sure I believe that or they just did the cheapest
thing possible to keep
hold of as much cash as possible. You are free of them now and I hope you can move on. Family are only family if they behave like it. Surround yourself with good people. Xx

Ah, @52andblue I'm so sorry. I hope you've had time to prepare and process, but don't be surprised if you feel ambushed by grief.

It's a difficult thing to accept, that the hope of a future change is all gone. You've been treated very badly, but it's our nature to hope for better against all odds.

Sending you peace and comfort. ((Hugs)).

I'm sorry @52andblue that is so cruel. Please be reassured you did all you could and any fault is definitely not yours.