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Original poster

Different wants on babies..

54 replies

womanacrossthestreet · 16/01/2022 21:00

Hi - if you were married with two children (both fathered by your husband) and he categorically wants no more children.

But you absolutely undoubtedly wanted another. Would that be a dealbreaker?

Marriage moderately happy. Not absolutely fantastical, but also not awful.

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 16/01/2022 21:01

Would I break my existing DCs family up because I wanted to meet someone else, bring a man they don’t know into their lives because I wanted another baby?

No.

Original poster
womanacrossthestreet · 16/01/2022 21:02

@BitcherOfBlakiven

Would I break my existing DCs family up because I wanted to meet someone else, bring a man they don’t know into their lives because I wanted another baby?

No.

Do you know what. This is the bluntness I needed. Thank you.
OP posts:
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 16/01/2022 21:03

@BitcherOfBlakiven

Would I break my existing DCs family up because I wanted to meet someone else, bring a man they don’t know into their lives because I wanted another baby?

No.

100% this.
6464zz · 16/01/2022 21:04

I'd just accept it. What if you broke up and couldn't get pregnant?

Aria2015 · 16/01/2022 21:04

No. Not with two children already. I'd do my best to make peace with it and enjoy what I have.

Original poster
womanacrossthestreet · 16/01/2022 21:05

I don't even think it's a case of bringing another man into their/my lives. I think it's more a case of just resenting my H for the rest of my life. But equally it sounds nuts to me to not be with him for that reason, but then also not be with anyone else. I don't think when it comes down to it I could have children with someone else. But equally I don't know if I can remain with someone who has promised something and took it away?

OP posts:
stripetop · 16/01/2022 21:06

@BitcherOfBlakiven absolutely.

And remember a separation from an otherwise good man and good father, you will be looking at fifty fifty with your two DC if the third did happen with someone else.

HipposHaveNipples · 16/01/2022 21:06

Nope. The grass is not always greener/be careful what you wish for. What if you end up as a single parent with three children, trying to arrange contact with both Dads? No thanks.

HumunaHey · 16/01/2022 21:07

@BitcherOfBlakiven

Would I break my existing DCs family up because I wanted to meet someone else, bring a man they don’t know into their lives because I wanted another baby?

No.

Ditto. Especially as you have 2. I can sometimes understand the pain and angst of those who have 1 child and want another, but 2 is enough.
Luckyelephant1 · 16/01/2022 21:08

@womanacrossthestreet

I don't even think it's a case of bringing another man into their/my lives. I think it's more a case of just resenting my H for the rest of my life. But equally it sounds nuts to me to not be with him for that reason, but then also not be with anyone else. I don't think when it comes down to it I could have children with someone else. But equally I don't know if I can remain with someone who has promised something and took it away?
So did he promise you more than 2 children? Bit of an odd promise to make.

I echo what pps have said. Make peace with it.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 16/01/2022 21:09

But equally I don't know if I can remain with someone who has promised something and took it away?

I don’t think anyone can ever promise another person they’ll give them a child, and anyone who believes that promise is, bluntly, a fool. Having a child is such a massive thing, even if it’s a second/third/fourth. Anyone is entitled to change their mind on that and it’s not anything like breaking a promise.

NotMyDayJob · 16/01/2022 21:10

Not if I already had two. And I say that as someone who went to quite extreme measures to conceive a second (donor egg IVF). You need to have a cut off point and sometimes that's just you can't have another one. If it really means that much, have some counselling to help you accept it.

badg3r · 16/01/2022 21:11

If the relationship is not fantastic and it is going to build resentment I think you need an honest conversation about it. If you fear you will always resent him for not having a third then it might lead to divorce anyway. You both need to figure out how much wiggle room you have.

ShadowPuppets · 16/01/2022 21:11

@BitcherOfBlakiven

Would I break my existing DCs family up because I wanted to meet someone else, bring a man they don’t know into their lives because I wanted another baby?

No.

Agree. We’re having our second at the moment. I’d love #3. DH broke it to me the other day that this is our last child, whether we win the lottery or not. I wouldn’t destroy our family for it.
Babdoc · 16/01/2022 21:12

OP, why do you need a third child? Are your current two a disappointment?!
The last thing our planet needs is population growth. Every excess child you produce comes with a carbon footprint of over 58 metric tonnes of CO2. Can’t you be happy with the two you have, and avoid contributing further to global warming?

GemmaRuby · 16/01/2022 21:14

People are allowed to change their mind on wanting another child - it’s a big commitment - you can’t just go along with it because previously you thought you’d want another one. Imagine if he insisted you have another one when you didn’t want one.

You’ve had some good (blunt) advice already. I think potentially the issue you need to work through is your anger at DH for changing his mind.

Diggersaursarethebest · 16/01/2022 21:16

For me it would be an absolute deal breaker if he wouldn’t agree to a 2nd child but I wouldn’t break up over wanting a third child if he wanted to stop at two.
This probably says more about the number of children I’d like that it does about you.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/01/2022 21:17

@BitcherOfBlakiven

Would I break my existing DCs family up because I wanted to meet someone else, bring a man they don’t know into their lives because I wanted another baby?

No.

This!

Get a kitten woman.

I know it’s sad - really - but a third kid has been the straw that broke many a marital back, and that’s when both people wanted it.

puddleduck234 · 16/01/2022 21:17

@womanacrossthestreet

I don't even think it's a case of bringing another man into their/my lives. I think it's more a case of just resenting my H for the rest of my life. But equally it sounds nuts to me to not be with him for that reason, but then also not be with anyone else. I don't think when it comes down to it I could have children with someone else. But equally I don't know if I can remain with someone who has promised something and took it away?
What if he wanted more kids and you didn't? I think that's a BIG ask of someone no matter what.

I wanted 3 kids close together. Now I have one and know the reality I doubt I'll even have 2. People are allowed to change their minds on such big life decisions.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2022 21:17

You can't promise someone something like that.

Agreeing to having 3 kids before you have any is ridiculous and can't be held against them.

Having one child is a huge, life changing experience. Each and every child is always going to be life changing. You never know how you'll be financially, emotionally, physically etc.

I always thought I wanted 4 kids, DH always wanted 2. We've actually settled on 1 and done. I would still like more kids and I think DH would have another if I pushed it, but I know he wouldn't be happy and would impact him negatively. As a child who grew up with a dad who didn't really want them, I would never put a child in that situation.
I love DH and him being happy and healthy comes ahead of my desire for more kids.

Comedycook · 16/01/2022 21:17

That's not a dealbreaker imo.

Would you really rather split up your family and potentially be a single mum of three or living with a new man and a new baby while dealing with your ex and all those complications? You must be crazy!

AliasGrape · 16/01/2022 21:18

We only have one. It took us a long time to conceive and we are early 40s. After I had DD I really really wanted to think about another, and at one stage DH agreed we could try.

He later said he’d thought about it and really didn’t want to, giving his reasons which I did understand.

Am I ok with it? Kind of. It did feel like he’d promised something then taken it away, and I was hugely hurt then angry and then really really sad. But he hadnt promised, not really, he’d tried to go along with what I wanted but ultimately had to be honest with himself and me that it wasn’t what he wanted. You can’t have half a baby so there’s not really a compromise possible here.

I wouldn’t leave him and I wouldn’t break up our precious DD’s family over it. It will always be a sadness to me, but we are very lucky with the child we have.

QforCucumber · 16/01/2022 21:20

That’s never ever a reliable ‘promise’

Dh and I always discussed having 3, it was what we both wanted. We have 2, and have had 2 losses (Mc, Ds1, TFMR, Ds2) we categorically do not want to experience another loss, and having a toddler who hasn’t slept a night through in 18 months has put us off a 3rd, I’d never hold it against him - or the other way round - because 7 years ago we said we wanted 3..

GreenLunchBox · 16/01/2022 21:24

Sounds like you're not in love with your husband and that's a separate issue

More than two kids is a lot in my opinion but that's by the by

People are allowed to change their mind on the number of kids they want but it's up to you if that's a deal-breaker or not- you don't need our permission

I personally wouldn't break up my kids home for the unicorn third child with a new man

It's up to you if you want to leave your husband

AD3000 · 16/01/2022 21:24

Sorry, but no, I wouldn't destabilise your existing children's lives on the off chance of meeting a new man who's willing to have a baby.