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Original poster

Different wants on babies..

54 replies

womanacrossthestreet · 16/01/2022 21:00

Hi - if you were married with two children (both fathered by your husband) and he categorically wants no more children.

But you absolutely undoubtedly wanted another. Would that be a dealbreaker?

Marriage moderately happy. Not absolutely fantastical, but also not awful.

OP posts:

reallyworriedjobhunter · 16/01/2022 21:25

I have 3 kids and it's really really hard work. I love them all to bits but having more children than adults in the household makes all kinds of things complicated.

Be grateful for what you have and use the mental energy on improving your marriage.

Shapiro · 16/01/2022 21:27

I’m old fashioned. I like my babies to all be made by me and the same man.

I had two children and at times wanted another one but I’m glad I didn’t.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/01/2022 21:27

You probably should seek out some therapy if the nice life and two children you have would cause you to resent your husband.

flyhighdarling · 16/01/2022 21:29

I wanted 4 and DH wanted 2. We agreed on 3 and he had the snip straight away

It's always the person who wants least that wins - lots of ppl said this to me

Ultimately good dads deserve control over their number of kids etc as they're doing 50% and it's their life too.

I was sad for a while re no 4, but a lot of life is a compromise and I'd never risk the involvement of a good loving husband and stable hands on dad for anything. My children come before my wants

Maybe book some fun things to take your mind off it. Gets easier as kids get older too - my broodiness stopped when you test around 4.

Lightswitch123 · 16/01/2022 21:29

Could you have "an accident "

SallyWD · 16/01/2022 21:30

I'd just accept it and move on. Work on your relationship with your husband and don't let this eat away at you. I wanted 3 but I'm glad I have 2. I can give them each a lot of my time and attention. Life's more complicated with 3. Just try and be thankful for what you have.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/01/2022 21:32

@Lightswitch123

Could you have "an accident "

Dear God.

notyouagainn · 16/01/2022 21:34

I don't think you should leave him to have another child. But can you forgive him? I'd give it time to see how you feel about him.

MiddleAgedKick · 16/01/2022 21:34

Definitely wouldn't break up with my husband to have a third child. No way.

Also agree that you can't promise anyone a child. I know a couple who said they wanted four, had two in quick succession and quickly realised it was a lot of work and expense. They're planning to stick with two now. You can't predict how you're going to feel about having babies.

And ultimately, you can't make someone have a baby. If one half of a couple doesn't want a baby, I always think they get the deciding vote. You can always leave and have a third with someone else, but it would be nuts frankly.

WhatsWrongWithMyUsername · 16/01/2022 21:35

What’s worse - you resenting him not agreeing to have a third child? Or him allowing himself to agree to a third child he didn’t want and then resenting that child’s existence?

GoodnightGrandma · 16/01/2022 21:39

It’s easy to say you want lots of kids before you have any. Then you realise how much time and money it takes, so I think you’re allowed to change your mind.
However, if he’s saying no more he needs to take control of contraception and get the snip.
I wanted another but DH said no. I won’t lie, the resentment never goes away and it’s one of many things that I still hold against him.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2022 21:41

@Lightswitch123

Could you have "an accident "

Please be fucking joking.

And this is a seriously fucked up joke.

FawnFrenchieMum · 16/01/2022 21:49

I have a friend who left her husband as she was desperate for a third child, he didn’t want one. She quickly got together with someone, had a third child. He turned out to be a total d**k, she’s now a single mum to third children. Two who spend 50% of their time with their dad and one who barely sees his. I wouldn’t recommend leaving purely for another child. Obviously if your unhappy in your marriage then that’s a different matter.

6464zz · 16/01/2022 21:57

@Lightswitch123

Could you have "an accident "

I really hope you're joking. If I considered deceiving my partner like that then the relationship is over anyway.

WonderfulYou · 16/01/2022 22:01

I think different opinions on children is one of the worst things to happen in a relationship and I do feel for you both but if you already have two then I would personally keep it as that.

How many more do you want?

Loopytiles · 16/01/2022 22:04

He’s not U to have changed his mind based on experience of parenting. You’d be U to resent him for it.

Ansjovis · 16/01/2022 22:11

I know someone whose marriage ended because of this issue. The children of the marriage are now quite unhappy and not only has the mum not had another baby she has now lost half custody of her existing children (dad asked for 50:50, she thought he was bluffing and he wasn't).

You are so very lucky to have been able to have two children. I can only advise that you make peace with your family size as the alternative may well backfire on you.

NoSquirrels · 16/01/2022 22:11

The thing is, you cannot “promise” a third child. It’s just not something that’s a guarantee because so many things can change between hypothetical “Let’s have 3 children” and the reality of it.

So many people wish they could have one more baby. But you would - as the first reply to you says - be really thinking only of yourself if you broke up a fundamentally good marriage over it.

Go to counselling- alone first, then with your husband if needed.

Happyhappyday · 16/01/2022 22:12

OP, I always said I wanted two, had one, traumatic birth, bad PND, insomnia for almost a year due to thyroid issues post pregnancy. I don’t think I want another. Should my DH leave me? Even though fathers don’t go through the physical changes of having children, it still dramatically alters their lives. It’s ok to want different things after a while.

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 16/01/2022 22:22

I wanted a third quite unexpectedly after DC2 was born. DH was clearly against, and had the snip. I'm glad now. He was right - three would have stretched us too far and strained our marriage, and my feelings have faded and I now look forward more and more to our life as a family of 4 as we leave the baby days behind.

Lots and lots and lots and lots of people don't end up having as many children as they would, in an ideal world, have wanted. You are not a helpless slave to your feelings; you can change and manage them, and it would be nuts to leave a food marriage over this when you already have two lovely kids.

Find a channel to deal with your feelings. Therapy, journalling, take up a hobby you couldn't do with a baby in tow, get a puppy. Many people have these feelings and move on.

InnPain · 16/01/2022 23:22

What @BitcherOfBlakiven said

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/01/2022 23:25

No, because I love my husband and existing children.

mrssunshinexxx · 17/01/2022 04:15

Might he change his mind in a couple of years? @womanacrossthestreet

LadyPropane · 17/01/2022 04:34

DH and I have never fully settled how many children we will have. Currently have 2 and haven't really decided what's happening in the future. We may have more. As others have mentioned, it is really difficult to say definitively that you want X number of children, especially when those conversations happen before you've even had your first. So many things change over time. I've known plenty of couples who told me they wanted a football team and then promptly decided that 1 was enough after their first baby arrived 😂

If I start to get restless for number 3 and DH says he doesn't want to, there is no way in hell I'd leave him because of it. I just couldn't. Part of the reason I'd quite like another is because we're such a happy family and our 2 children bring us so much joy. That all changes if DH and I split up. It just seems crazy to me.

Would you really resent him forever if you don't get your third child? Perhaps you need to talk about it again and also try and do some soul searching. Think about why it's so important to you to have another baby.

nellly · 17/01/2022 04:43

I have one abs cannot have more now due to medical complications. I am having to make my peace with not having the family I want and plan to have therapy to help me do that. Could you treat it the same? Accept that you don't want to being another man into your kids lives and go through therapy to help work through it. Maybe with your husband.
to you, it's an awful feeling to have the decision out of your control

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