Unconscious racism v face blindness

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

I am DYING of cringe here.

I am white, live in a very MC white area, I can count on two hands the people of colour I know or even see. That’s the context/excuse/reason everyone thinks I’m a dick.

Person x is an ex colleague. I only worked with them for three days but we got on. Person y exactly the same circumstances, same job, worked together for a few days a week apart. Both these people worked with me for one day a week, for three weeks each, consecutively. You can see where this is going.

Both of these people are black.

In my industry it’s all quite forced intimacy, lots of best mate back slapping and hugs at the end of the night. So people I know on a ‘speak to’ level become bezzie mates when you see them out.

I met person X outside of work, months after they’d worked at my place. Introduced them to dh as Y. Called them Y several times. They answered to it! Didn’t correct me. Lots of hugs and rah rah back slapping, how’s so and so, how’s your night.

At work; referred to seeing Y at other work place, to much confusion. Didn’t expect to see them there, etc.

Months later, I see a random Facebook post of X working at the place, with name attached, and suddenly with creeping horror realise what I’ve done. In my absolute defence I am terrible with names/faces and tend to call everyone love, hun, mate to avoid this. I was so sure I knew his name! The names are not remotely similar, either.

I am cringing myself inside out thinking about it. I mix people up all the time, it only takes the same hair colour or the presence/absence of a beard, I’m a master at pretending to recognise people who clearly know me (I manage a pub, so this happens a lot).

This has really cringed me though because I know everyone I mentioned it to is going to think it’s because I’m a racist who can’t tell black people apart. I’ve already had that comment from a colleague.

Please help me out with anecdotes about face blindness and reassure me. X and y look nothing alike; the only characteristic they share is being black, but I also mix up beards, hair colour, noses. It’s awful though because literally the only shared characteristic is skin tone; the two of them couldn’t be more different otherwise.

Christ, just calm down. You mixed the names up of two people you briefly worked with in the same week. End of story.

I think there's far more 'unconscious racism' in the first line of your OP.

I am white, live in a very MC white area, I can count on two hands the people of colour I know or even see. That’s the context/excuse/reason everyone thinks I’m a dick.

What does your area being predominantly white, have to do with it being a 'very middle class area'?

Do you genuinely think black people/Asian people etc don't live in very middle class areas?

Nobody cares, OP. The fact that you're cringing so much reveals a hyperawareness of race on your part. If you'd called 2 white people by each other's names, you wouldn't be thinking 'Oh god, it's because they're white...'

Just forget it. Nobody is focusing on your error like you are. Find something better to do.

I can’t see anything racist in what you have done.

Don’t worry about it.

People at work get me and a colleague mixed up. We’re different races!

@WorraLiberty

Christ, just calm down. You mixed the names up of two people you briefly worked with in the same week. End of story.

I think there's far more 'unconscious racism' in the first line of your OP.

I am white, live in a very MC white area, I can count on two hands the people of colour I know or even see. That’s the context/excuse/reason everyone thinks I’m a dick.

What does your area being predominantly white, have to do with it being a 'very middle class area'?

Do you genuinely think black people/Asian people etc don't live in very middle class areas?

That is literally my point. I live in a small town where almost every face is white. There are two non white kids in my youngest’s entire school. Places like this exist.

Mixing up two white guys because they have beards is totally ok, mixing up the only two black guys I’ve met in the last year is less so. I’ve made a tit of myself by referring to one as the other several times in a professional situation. It’s stark. They look nothing alike. I feel like shit about it.

Mixing up two white guys because they have beards is totally ok, mixing up the only two black guys I’ve met in the last year is less so

Why?

That is literally my point. I live in a small town where almost every face is white. There are two non white kids in my youngest’s entire school. Places like this exist.

And literally my point is that's not because it's a 'very middle class area'.

It's because it's a very white area. The fact it's middle class is incidental, unless you think there are no middle class black/Asian people living in middle class areas?

I've accidentally called my child the dog's name. They don't look alike either.

There is an 'other race effect' in face perception which makes is harder to discriminate between faces that you are less familiar with. it is a very common psychological effect.

But I'm sure that black people find it horrible & infuriating to be confused with their colleagues, and it is important to make an extra effort to learn names & faces for people from other groups.

Can you apologise to the colleague & make a big effort not to get confused again?

@TheFoundation

Mixing up two white guys because they have beards is totally ok, mixing up the only two black guys I’ve met in the last year is less so

Why?

Interesting. I think because the two people I mixed up were so so different (one was over 6.5ft, the other is much shorter and has a beard) that all my usual context clues went out the window because I went straight for skin colour. Like if that wasn’t my only point of reference there’d be no way I’d confuse them.

I don’t know. It’s made me really question how I pigeonhole people and I feel like a cunt about it

I feel your pain. I have facial blindness to some extent and rely heavily on sex, hair styles and skin tone to tell people apart.

I took months to reliably tell apart two white blonde colleagues, both who had similar bobbed hairstyles. That was excruciatingly embarrassing but the worst people could think of me was that I was an idiot.

However, it also took me months to tell apart my DDs 2 kindy teachers. Both New Guinean women, both with similar Afro hairstyles. That was awful for me and I am sure for them too, as they no doubt have to deal with this shit all the time. The worst people could think of me then was that I was a idiot and possibly also a racist who thinks all black peoples look alike. But the problem is all people do look alike to me and if they are the same sex, have the same hairstyle and same skin colour, I am toast.

You have my sympathy, I'm terrible with faces and live in fear of doing something like this. My mates took the piss recently when it became apparent that i thought Paul Rudd and Chris Pratt were the same person.

I teach a kids' class at my hobby and have to call most of them 'hey you' because one sandy-haired primary age white boy looks very like the next one to me

@WorraLiberty

That is literally my point. I live in a small town where almost every face is white. There are two non white kids in my youngest’s entire school. Places like this exist.

And literally my point is that's not because it's a 'very middle class area'.

It's because it's a very white area. The fact it's middle class is incidental, unless you think there are no middle class black/Asian people living in middle class areas?

Oh whatever. You are trying to make a thing out of not a thing. I live in a Tory stronghold in the south east that is overwhelmingly middle class and white. It was a short hand way of describing it. Nothing to do with thinking middle class = white fgs.

Read up on "The Other Race Effect"

We tend to recognise features of our own race more easily than those we don't mix with so much. It doesn't make you a racist.

Deliberately misnaming people does.

I'm really not 'trying to make a thing out of not a thing' OP.

I'm pointing out the unconscious racism in your post. If you don't want to consider it then that's ok.

I've no idea why you wouldn't though, considering unconscious racism is what you're saying you're worried about.

More on the "Other Race Effect" here:
bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/page/journal/20448295/homepage/callforpapers?pbEditor=true

Op I have faceblindness and don’t recognise people outside the context that I know them and it is very embarrassing. It doesn’t matter what colour their skin is, it’s always the same. I tend to explain to people when I first meet them, apologise in advance and ask them to clarify if it doesn’t seem to come to me when we meet out of context. Most people are quite gracious about it.

My partner doesn’t have faceblindness but is awful with names and forever refers to people by the wrong name. It explains why he always says “alright fella” when he meets people when out. There are people He’s known decades whose name he has no idea what it is & now it’s too late to ask.

I feel like a cunt about it

Well, if it's bothering you so much you'd post on a forum, you're not a bad egg, are you?

I'd find something more worrisome to worry about, if I were you, and drop the self-criticism.

Oh don't be daft OP, it happens. I struggle to remember people's names until I get to know them.

Non-white people also struggle with telling white people apart too, especially if it is a non-white dominant culture. Actually , the longer you live in a majority other culture, the better you get at it. So it's probably just something you learn.

I had a hairdresser in Asia, who mixed me up with an Irish client and would very sweetly regale me with any Irish anecdote, he could think of. One of many examples. It was hardly intentional.

I might add, I live in a "mostly white "middle class area.
People I meet don't seem to have any difficulties using the right name when talking to me.
I manage to return the courtesy.

I have mild prosopagnosia and have offended a few people by not recognising them, at times it's embarrassing. I need to meet people about half a dozen times before I learn to recognise them so I could easily have made the mistake you did. I don't often confuse people, although that can happen, it's more often the case that I don't recognise them at all, as if I've never met them before.

Quite memorably I didn't recognise a carpet fitter when he arrived one morning to finish the job; he'd spent all of the previous day at my house! I apologised but I think he thought I was incredibly rude.

I have face blindness and once walked straight past my own mother when I was meeting her off a train, because she had a different hairstyle to normal! My husband must hate watching films, dramas etc with me as I have to keep on interrupting it to ask him who someone is again...

If you normally have problems with remembering faces/names, then what's the problem? You've just been your usual self, except this time it happened to be a Black person. He didn't seem to mind or he just didn't feel like correcting you. You're making it an issue and coming up with odd reasons.

It would've been different if you aren't normally like this!

I had twins who look similar. Both girls with similar haircuts, similar size. Wore different clothes. One always wanted a bow in her hair where the other never did.
They got mixed up all the time, it happens! So could 2 vaguely similar other people get mixed up..look at Any and Dec, who remembers which is which.

You just think it's worse because its two black men and that seems racist maybe?

Someone only has to change their hairstyle or put a hat on and I probably wouldn't recognise them.

I also have a lot of problems with recognising people outside of their usual environment, for example seeing a local shopkeeper in the street.

The worst example of this was when our neighbour sold her flat and introduced me to the new owner. I met him in the lift several times afterwards and chatted with him.

Not long afterwards my husband was taken seriously ill and was eventually transferred to a hospital in Central London. He had been there for over a week before the penny dropped that the doctor looking after him on the ward was this new neighbour. I was so embarrassed!