Unconscious racism v face blindness

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

I am DYING of cringe here.

I am white, live in a very MC white area, I can count on two hands the people of colour I know or even see. That’s the context/excuse/reason everyone thinks I’m a dick.

Person x is an ex colleague. I only worked with them for three days but we got on. Person y exactly the same circumstances, same job, worked together for a few days a week apart. Both these people worked with me for one day a week, for three weeks each, consecutively. You can see where this is going.

Both of these people are black.

In my industry it’s all quite forced intimacy, lots of best mate back slapping and hugs at the end of the night. So people I know on a ‘speak to’ level become bezzie mates when you see them out.

I met person X outside of work, months after they’d worked at my place. Introduced them to dh as Y. Called them Y several times. They answered to it! Didn’t correct me. Lots of hugs and rah rah back slapping, how’s so and so, how’s your night.

At work; referred to seeing Y at other work place, to much confusion. Didn’t expect to see them there, etc.

Months later, I see a random Facebook post of X working at the place, with name attached, and suddenly with creeping horror realise what I’ve done. In my absolute defence I am terrible with names/faces and tend to call everyone love, hun, mate to avoid this. I was so sure I knew his name! The names are not remotely similar, either.

I am cringing myself inside out thinking about it. I mix people up all the time, it only takes the same hair colour or the presence/absence of a beard, I’m a master at pretending to recognise people who clearly know me (I manage a pub, so this happens a lot).

This has really cringed me though because I know everyone I mentioned it to is going to think it’s because I’m a racist who can’t tell black people apart. I’ve already had that comment from a colleague.

Please help me out with anecdotes about face blindness and reassure me. X and y look nothing alike; the only characteristic they share is being black, but I also mix up beards, hair colour, noses. It’s awful though because literally the only shared characteristic is skin tone; the two of them couldn’t be more different otherwise.

I can't tell the difference between white people, black people, Chinese etc.
I can't even tell the difference between different ethnic Asian / Indian groups.
I can genuinely only recognise people of my own ethnic group.
My partner is white, I'm from a specific Indian background. I'm not racist.

My aunt once said that she didn't realise her doctor had changed, as it was white man and another white man. She only realised from the signed name on the prescription. When she told my mum all white people look the same, my mum said there is a slight difference but you really have to look for it.
My sister pointed out that at least white people have hair and eye colour variation and it must be difficult for them to tell us apart.

My point, you're not racist OP. I'm sure most people have this but fear saying it out loud in case they are accused of racism.

Im surprised that you started a thread about unconscious racism then got mad when Worra pointed out your unconscious racism.

As for your OP, don't panic. I'm sure your colleague isn't. Just make an effort to get their name right next time.

It's not as easy as just making an effort to get it right next time though, wish it was!

I find it very inhibiting. I've regularly walked past DS at nursery and school pick up, walked straight past tables in cafes where a relation or friend are (when they have been out with me and grabbed a table, so not a case of them being there without me knowing). A while ago (before covid wfh) someone stopped me outside a supermarket and was chatting away. It wasn't until he said his wife's unusual name, 10 minutes in that I realised I worked with him, every day, 10ft away from eachother.

It's not always a case of it getting better once you've met people a few times, or making an effort to remember eye colour, hair type, unusual features, etc. In my case it can apply to people I have known for decades!

@parietal

There is an 'other race effect' in face perception which makes is harder to discriminate between faces that you are less familiar with. it is a very common psychological effect.

But I'm sure that black people find it horrible & infuriating to be confused with their colleagues, and it is important to make an extra effort to learn names & faces for people from other groups.

Can you apologise to the colleague & make a big effort not to get confused again?

There is indeed, and it's interesting. The OP however is protesting too much.

I see why the OP is worried. Where I work, this could come up as an incident of bullying, harassment and discrimination in the staff survey. Or as a complaint on the basis it was a micro aggression and part of a pattern of racist culture. I think she needs to be very open about her face blindness, so people are aware this is an issue for her.

I can see why you're worried op. The trouble is you have no control over how other people will interpret this and trying to anticipate them feeling offended and explaining it to them is likely to make things worse / massively backfire. All you can do is try to avoid a repeat, focus on something else if you know you are prone to placing skin tone at the top of your distinghuishing characteristics. Humans are inherently a pattern/category spotting species. It is a problem only when it's loaded with all the cultural/historical context that the UK has as a result of our past abuse of other races. But it's fair enough you try to be sensitive to that as a caring member of society. You're only human though.
Hopefully the people in question experienced enough of your good qualities to not think this is the most important thing to take away from their interactions with you.

I can see why it bothers the op. It does feel racist to find it harder to distinguish between people of other races for those of us who struggle a lot with faces (I’m another one who needs my dhs help to watch a movie- tinker tailor soldier spy was a standout for having a bunch of middle aged to old white men who all looked identical to me, except Benedict cumberbatch ). Even if it’s a well documented effect that doesn’t make it feel better, lots of intuitive biases are well documented but you’d still like not to demonstrate them!

Did you mix up their names or did you actually think one was the other one?

There is an sense in your post of them being interchangeable in your mind- I guess because they both performed the same role for you? But you don’t seem to have made any comments about them as people. I think the race thing is a red herring and they were just not important enough to you (work statis-wise) that you got to know them even a little bit.

I would stop worrying about how you’ll be perceived. You can’t control that.

I think the thing about back slapping and being fake pally with people outside work is really weird, I’d be more cringe at myself for taking part in that shite than forgetting peoples names.

Work status
Not statis

I feel your pain- I've struggled with similar. Now you've noticed it you can take extra care to find a different characteristic to use as a marker.

The two ladies I confused completely threw me by changing body type (both had babies) and wearing a wig.
The tiny framed slender one put on weight with and after pregnancy, making her harder to distinguish from the more strongly built woman.

I have no trouble distinguishing them by voice though! But I need them to say more than 'Hi, how are you?'

It can be racist if you were specifically not bothering learning to recognise someone just because they were of a different ethnicity, but plenty of people do have difficulties with their own too so a case of mistaken identity shouldn't be assumed to be a blanket racist action.

The other person has also had the opportunity to say "Actually I'm xxx not yyy"

I muddle people up and get confused if they're out of context. I've often had a situation of not recognising one blonde, fashionably made-up person from another because the fashion is such a clone look. I've had classes where I've struggled to identify "Chloe" from "Charlotte" because they have a similar quiet personality, middling ability, same curtain of dark, long hair and same school uniform and on about 35 hours of timetabling across the year in a busy environment have struggled to find the distinguishing feature. I know the twins in DS's class can be distinguished by height, but I struggle with the distinguishing detail if I can't see them both to compare.

At 18, DM changed her hairdye when I went to uni and I went up to the wrong blonde woman in the supermarket and was about to put something in her trolley having forgotten that DM was now red-haired.

The real question is have you only muddled people because of their ethnicity (and assume they all look the same) or is it something you find generally tricky and could happen with any aquaintence.

"Hello Dave" "Hello Trigger"

I once had a friend of my sisters (who I'd known since I was little) come into my shop at work when I was an adult. I knew exactly who she was after a bit of rummaging in my mental drawers so-to-speak... but could not for the life of me remember her name - all because she was stood in my work place enquiring about our products and not lounging around on my sisters bed listening to music and being being a pain to the little sister
In the end I had to resort to the classic - let me double check your name spelling please... cue face and L.O.U.I.S.E.
Mortifiying.
So you're not alone and hopefully the people in question recognised that despite the back slapping you barely know them and though you muddled them up because they share race you didn't do it on purpose and it is likely bothering you more than them.

@WorraLiberty

Christ, just calm down. You mixed the names up of two people you briefly worked with in the same week. End of story.

I think there's far more 'unconscious racism' in the first line of your OP.

I am white, live in a very MC white area, I can count on two hands the people of colour I know or even see. That’s the context/excuse/reason everyone thinks I’m a dick.

What does your area being predominantly white, have to do with it being a 'very middle class area'?

Do you genuinely think black people/Asian people etc don't live in very middle class areas?

What are you talking about? "White" and "middle class" were obviously specific descriptions of OPs own town...nowhere did she say that it is middle class because it's predominantly white or that she thought other races wouldn't live in MC areas etc..

Well if it makes you feeling any better I did this with 2 dads on the school run, of the same non-White colour/background. Totally obvious I did it, and they know each other so no doubt they both know now. I cringe each time I think about it. Only redeeming point is that my dh is the same non-White background so hopefully they think I'm just stupid, rather than racist

Im faceblind. My health visitor asked of 2 other health visitors which one had come to see me . I couldn't remember..... she asked if she was white or black.... I couldn't remember 😬. I am very faceblind!!! I am sure she thought I'd lost the plot.

(Wealthy very diverse middle class area for reference...!)

I have (genuine) face blindness, I'm autistic so not unusual. I also know I have a particular difficulty recognising people of colour. Because I know this, I double check myself before naming someone. If I really can't remember, then I admit it and ask their name.

It's not racist to recognise this issue exists and try to overcome it. It is ignorant not to recognise it and try to laugh it off. I doubt it's funny to repeatedly be on the receiving end.

What are you talking about? "White" and "middle class" were obviously specific descriptions of OPs own town...nowhere did she say that it is middle class because it's predominantly white or that she thought other races wouldn't live in MC areas etc..

If that was the case the OP would've just said 'I live in a very white area', as being 'very middle-class' is completely irrelevant.

The OP was using it to explain why there were no black/Asian people there, or why mention it at all?

OP, there is seriously nothing wrong with this. It's just a normal thing. And it's totally normal for people to have more trouble recognizing people of an ethnicity the see less of. That is also true for people of other races.

But it was really shit of your colleague to imply it means you are a racist.

@WorraLiberty

What are you talking about? "White" and "middle class" were obviously specific descriptions of OPs own town...nowhere did she say that it is middle class because it's predominantly white or that she thought other races wouldn't live in MC areas etc..

If that was the case the OP would've just said 'I live in a very white area', as being 'very middle-class' is completely irrelevant.

The OP was using it to explain why there were no black/Asian people there, or why mention it at all?

I disagree. I think it was a description of a certain kind of neighborhood. You jumped to conclusions.

Oh, I feel your pain! I suffer from face blindness and have done something similar in the past.

I disagree. I think it was a description of a certain kind of neighborhood. You jumped to conclusions.

Yes, a predominantly white neighbourhood.

So what does it being 'very middle-class' have to do with why there are no black/Asian people there?

It's not just white people who do this though. I've lived in East and West African countries and several times have been confused with someone else, primarily because of having the same hair colour, I suspect. For example, I once checked in at Johannesburg airport accidently using my husband's spare passport - both he and I have blond hair, another time a security guard in Lagos insisted I was my husband, when my husband was standing next to me! It's just one of those human things.

You can't control what your colleagues will think about this. But I am also terrible with names. And similar to a PP, I spent the first few episodes of Mad Men not knowing which man in a suit was which. I rarely say anyone's name in case it's wrong. (Unless I know them really well).

I don’t think you’re racist. It’s easy for a white person to say it’s no big deal and it happens to alll races and everyone. However, if you are an ethnic minority, these situations occur ALL the time. You often get lumped into stereotypical roles/traits and get treated as a collective. It gets very tiresome. So whilst I don’t automatically think it’s racist, and anybody can mix up anybody of any race, it affects ethnic minorities far more.

I try to mention my face blindness when meeting people for the first time (or indeed the excruciating "sorry, I have face blindness, have we met before?"). I am extra careful to do so with people from different ethnic groups because I am a lot more likely to get confused. Working on teams has been brilliant as I can see everyone's names all the time!