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Original poster

Access to your partner's phone

96 replies

WhalesTales · 11/01/2022 05:58

Just wondering what is normal here. Do you have full access to your partner's phone and do you use it just because. I mean reading emails, WhatsApp messages and going through photos. And how soon after getting together would you expect this access?

OP posts:
Kinsters · 11/01/2022 08:00

We can open each others phones but I'd never read DH's messages and he wouldn't read mine, I don't think that's normal. We share photos though so any pictures I take appear on his phone and vice versa.

reluctantbrit · 11/01/2022 08:04

There is no right to read messages. Sometimes DH will ask me to check if the phone pings and I tell him from whom it is (it's also his work phone) but while I could read his texts/emails why should I?

Same with mine, he can and I sometimes ask him if I wait for someone but otherwise I don't think he looks at it.

Photos are in a joined cloud so there is no escape.

MaternityNurse007 · 11/01/2022 08:08

Yes we do have access to each others phone, laptop etc and we have been together long time ( 15 yrs)
It just happened naturally, don't know how, when, why...
We do not ,,check" each others texts,mails as such ( i am terrible with my spam folder ,so i do ask him to go through it occasionally lol)but i do grab his phone to look up some recent photoes he has taken or to send it to mine if i like them, or use his phone to google something quickly if i can't find mine (he does the same.... )type of thing. If i am low on battery i just grab his and make a call if i have to....
We just basically use both phones for whatever we need it for without thinking of it.
And we do open each others post, as we hardly get any( digital world....)and it might be very important, like HMRC recently ;)

GrazingSheep · 11/01/2022 08:11

@WhalesTales
Does your friend have access to her partner’s phone? Does she read his messages?

NoHeavenNoMore · 11/01/2022 08:14

Partner has the passcode to my phone and I have thumbprint saved on his phone so therefore unable to unlock. I have never, ever used it. I would never. Never go snooping 🧐
Can't think of anything worse! But, by the same token, I'd expect he'd never go trawling through my phone either. I think people only really worry about this if they have something to hide. That doesn't mean these people are wrong. But I tell him pretty much everything so nothing would be a surprise to him 🤷‍♀️

BurntO · 11/01/2022 08:17

Reading his messages seems immensely boring tbh, although he wouldn’t object

Joined4this · 11/01/2022 08:24

Nooooooooo. Ultimately if someone wants to cheat, they will. Whether you spy on them or not. Spying on them will put a massive strain on your relationship

MajorNeville · 11/01/2022 08:27

I have his passcode but I've never done it, can't think of anything more boring than going through my husbands phone. He doesn't have my passcode as he has never asked, I only know his as he's used the same one since we got together 33 years ago, lol

MaryAndHerNet · 11/01/2022 08:28

Fuck that shit.
I don't care of 9d been with them month or a decade. My phone is my phone, you no touchy... Tis private.

If this is a sign of modern relationships that kids are having, I'm glad I'm older and not interested in relationships, too much like hard work

girlmom21 · 11/01/2022 08:31

We know each other's passcodes but I've never looked through his phone in 8.5 years that we've been together.

I'd be pissed if he looked through mine. There's nothing to hide but we're entitled to a little bit of privacy.

comfortablyfrumpy · 11/01/2022 08:31

@WhalesTales

I'm single. This isn't me. But someone close to me said their partner reads their messages. Some of which may be mine. I find it odd. I was then told that all new relationships would expect this. I would hate this as some conversations I have are private to me and the recipient.
Sounds pretty controlling. I have never had access to a partner's phone. It doesn't sound normal?
Change123today · 11/01/2022 08:32

I’ve been married for 20 years…I know my husband password & vice versa but the only times I’ve used it if I forgot my phone and to pay for some shopping using Apple Pay or if he’s driving and an text has come through that he happy for me to read.

I’ve never read though his phone messages he is entitled to a privacy as I am - but he could pick up my phone anytime and read mine if he really wanted to (I don’t think he ever has)

Frymetothemoon · 11/01/2022 08:34

We know each others' passwords, but have absolutely no need to go through each others' messages. We don't tend to be glued to them so we sometimes just use whichever one is closest, or DH asks me to read a text if he hasn't got his glasses/is cooking/whatever

tricksyt · 11/01/2022 08:35

Never been through each other's phone.

Though each of us have no problem using each other's phones if needed - like I'll hand him my phone to read something or choose gousto recipes.

I'd find it weird if he wanted to read through my messages. It'd be a red flag to me if he did want to.

Original poster
WhalesTales · 11/01/2022 08:39

@GrazingSheep I believe they do. They honestly didn't seem concerned.

OP posts:
MangoM · 11/01/2022 08:40

We both have full access to each others phones but we don't take advantage of it and start nosying through.

Sometimes DH asks me to write a text or email using his phone out he's got his hands full, and knows full well that I'll be able see his other chats. It all looks pretty boring to be honest!

No idea if he's rifled through my messages, it wouldn't bother me if he has. It's mostly mundane chit chat.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 11/01/2022 08:40

I've got access and know his pin code. And will sometimes use it for a call if mine is out of battery.

Certainly wouldn't be reading emails and messages though. And I wouldn't want him reading my emails and messages cos I whinge about him on WhatsApp quite a lot

saraclara · 11/01/2022 08:41

I might be discussing something with friends that they might not want a partner to see and I would never betray their confidence.

Exactly. No-one gets access to my phone. I've had conversations with distressed and troubled friends on there and no-one has the right to access them.

It makes me shudder to think that friends'partners could read my messages to them, too, even thoughmine are not exciting.

To be honest, I think anyone who lets a partner or boyfriend/girlfriend access their phone, is a really poor friend. Aanyone who demands access needs running from, fast.

saltandpepper234 · 11/01/2022 08:41

My DP and I know each other’s passcodes but it wasn’t some grand reveal. Came out naturally from years of being together and e.g. I’m driving and I want him to call my mum, he is driving and his phone has more data for maps etc.

Mumoblue · 11/01/2022 08:43

I knew my ex’s password for his phone, and would sometimes use it to set alarms for cooking if I had left my phone elsewhere.

Reading your partner’s messages is over the top, but them not being secretive with their phone is a sign of trust, IMO.

In fact one of the ways I figured out he was cheating was when I picked up his phone and he jumped out of his chair to snatch it back.

MangoM · 11/01/2022 08:44

Something a little more innocent that made me laugh a few years ago is that a friend of mine was in the habit of snooping through her DH's phone regularly.

She came across some messages on his phone about her surprise 30th birthday party. She was really upset that the surprise had been ruined - it was her own fault! Hmm

Chillyjam · 11/01/2022 08:47

We don’t use each other’s phones although we have the ability to unlock them. If my phone is on charge and I want to take a photo I will use his, and the other way around, maybe even Google something, but otherwise we don’t go on them. Also with changing music while driving, this is normally me with his phone as I have good playlists, and we don’t need to skip songs 😅

Dammitthisisshit · 11/01/2022 08:49

Do you have full access to your partner's phone and do you use it just because.

Yes, as in I know the password and if I need a phone and can’t find mine I’d use it (usually to phone mine to find it!). If I wanted it for longer I’d ask - eg when I broke mine but needed a phone.

I mean reading emails, WhatsApp messages and going through photos.

No, I can’t ever see a reason to do any of that.

And how soon after getting together would you expect this access?

Never. Nearly 20 years together and I don’t see why you’d do this.

BigFatLiar · 11/01/2022 08:51

We both have full access to each others phones and PC. Doesn't bother either of us. I'll use his phone, he'll use mine, biggest use is using each others phone to dial our own to make it ring so we can find where we put it down. If either of us wanders off without the phone we'll answer each others phone or check messages in case its important, seldom is.

No big secrets, we're pretty boring.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/01/2022 08:56

I have access in terms of its left lying around and I know his password. If I can't find my phone I'll borrow his to take a photo of the kids, Google something for the 6 yo. As he could with mine.
But that doesn't mean I'd go through it searching. I've looked at his texts to a certain person's twice in the early days and felt spectacularly shit about it. But it wouldn't occur to me to check emails and photos.