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Original poster

If you were ambivalent about having children

67 replies

Horriblewoman · 10/01/2022 15:38

Did you have them?

Husband and I are both mid 30s, relatively comfortable, me the higher earner, both like our jobs / life / freedom.

I don't not want children, but my biological clock hasn't kicked in yet.

Talking it through yesterday I said I wished I knew that I definitely didn't want them, rather than this rather apathetic view I have currently! Most of our friends have them, my family are incredibly supportive, his are fine.

Did anyone feel the same way and what did you decide?

OP posts:
Kshhuxnxk · 10/01/2022 15:39

Two sisters didn't have any. Didn't not want them but didn't want them enough to make the effort! Now 55 & 57 and quite happy they didn't have any.

Ringergodgers · 10/01/2022 15:42

Honestly..I got married at 39. We let nature decide. If I had never got pregnant that would be fine...I did and I now have a beautiful dd

SmallOrFarAway · 10/01/2022 16:44

Sorry this will sound very negative. I didn't particularly want kids but my then DH decided he did. But only communicated this desire after our wedding. He decided after we were married that children was the next thing to do, so put a lot of pressure on me to agree, promised the earth and at the time being younger and naive I didn't realise how messed up this situation was. I felt I'd lose him if I didn't agree to have kids with him. Which I did, and had 2 close together. Didn't particularly enjoy being a mum during the baby times, had to take a career break and found I missed my work, but now they are both in primary it's much easier and fun and hopefully I can resume a career at some point.

After our second child was born H then realised it wasn't all the rosy image he had pictured and emotionally dropped out at first after a period of MH issues, then followed this by physically dropping out of our lives during the first lockdown. As a result we'll be divorced this year and I'm now a single mum. Definitely not the life I'd planned or the family I thought I was bringing my dc into but they are both amazing and overall definitely worth it. Just be really sure that if you go for it you could continue with your career and be financially independent should the worst happen. I am scraping by on low hours to suit my dc school hours, on minimum wage and universal credit and hoping the H continues to pay maintenance. Before any of this happened my H would have been the very image of loyal family man, I could never have seen this coming. So just be careful you aren't being persuaded into a decision either way and can manage solo if ever need be.

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crispinglovershighkick · 10/01/2022 17:12

OP the biological clock thing isn't a hard and fast rule, you may just never want them enough to have them. I'm 54 and wasn't dead set against kids, didn't meet DH until late 30s, he didn't really want them though I think there was some wiggle room.

DH and I enjoy our life together. We're very close, I'm an introvert and a homebody and I love peace and order, we have a number of quiet hobbies, I'm free to travel to see my elderly mum, it works for me and I'm happy with my choice.

How would you feel if you found yourself pregnant? I terminated an unplanned pregnancy in my 20s and it made a huge impression, I never viewed it in a romantic light again.

crispinglovershighkick · 10/01/2022 17:14

Sorry, if it isn't already clear we didn't have children Smile

Frenchfurze · 10/01/2022 17:22

Was completely decided on remaining childfree, had about a year of ambivalence aged 38, we decided to stop using contraception, conceived first month of trying just as I turned 39, and now have a nine year old, who is wonderful.

I think we both approached it in the spirit of 'It might be interesting' and 'It's a thing we haven't done', and figured we would do a good enough job as parents, if we had a child.

I don't think ambivalence should rule anything out, and neither do I believe the biological clock hits everyone. I certainly never had the remotest broody urge, and I've never been someone who coos over pushchairs. I've never considered having another child, either.

Paddingtonthebear · 10/01/2022 17:44

Yes this was us, I was nearly 36 and husband was 34. No desire to have kids then we just started talking about it one day. I can’t say I had any huge maternal craving, I think it was a case of “is there more to life than work and going to the pub” 😆. We both felt the same and decided quite quickly that same week to stop contraception and see what happened. I was pregnant within the same month which we were NOT expecting. 😆 everyone around us was pretty shocked, no one thought we would decide to do it but I’m glad we decided to go for it. We decided to stop at one child, no urge to have more, we are very happy as we are. 🙂

NinaProudman2022 · 10/01/2022 17:45

I was a bit the same met DH when 32 got married at 35. I had no massive desire to have children or not have them pre DH and pre things becoming more serious with DH and seeing him with my best friends DD and it dawned on me that he would make a really great dad. This was just before we got married. We talked about it at length and he was happy either way. We thought we would keep an open mind we might be too old but thought we would see if it happened naturally no pressure from DH at all. We tried from our wedding night onwards. With each period I became more and more convinced that I wanted DC but I didn’t conceive until I was 38. Love my DC to bits and have no regrets both children are teens now.

But children are very hard work and nothing quite prepares you for it in a good and a bad way. As a good friend once said they are both the best and at times also the worst things in your life.

No right or wrong I think we would have been happy either way just would have had a different life. We would be much better off financially without them but we are much richer for having them in lots of other ways.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/01/2022 18:11

Never wanted them but missed a pill and ended up pregnant at 34....absolutely no regrets and as much as l wanted another one, now dd is 10 l am more than happy with my one and only.
Love being a mum but l also have my own life too so a perfect balance

BakedBeeeen · 10/01/2022 18:23

“But children are very hard work and nothing quite prepares you for it in a good and a bad way. As a good friend once said they are both the best and at times also the worst things in your life.

No right or wrong I think we would have been happy either way just would have had a different life. We would be much better off financially without them but we are much richer for having them in lots of other ways.”

Very wise words from Ninaproudman.

I agree 100%. Children also test your relationship in ways you can’t imagine, but sharing the good times with your children’s father are amazing.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 10/01/2022 18:30

I'm not far from 40. Never wanted kids, haven't got any. DH is the same and he is over 40. I am ever thankful for my decision not to have any. I've never heard the biological clock tick anyway. I have Crohn's disease so I wouldn't want to pass that on to offspring. I'm not willing to fulfill any expectations of giving up/stepping back in my career. I don't think it's a good idea to procreate out of curiosity either.

bonetiredwithtwins · 10/01/2022 18:34

Fairly ambivalent in that was never really particularly maternal but then got told we may never conceive due to fertility issues and lost a baby at 12 weeks, my maternal drive kicked in hugely after that and I was desperate to be a mum

CaptainChannel · 10/01/2022 18:35

I always said I didn't want children then had an unplanned pregnancy at 27. She's 9 now and I love being her mum so much. I didn't expect to feel it at all, I had a lovely life. I liked it so much I had DS a couple of years later. Wish I had more now!

Wolf1970 · 10/01/2022 18:39

I was ambivalent but became pregnant accidentally at the age of 32. My DP later DH was very keen so I went along with it. I had an abortion at age 20 and didn’t want particularly want another one.

I don’t particularly like kids, but adored my own. I have 2 in their 20s now and they are the best thing I ever did.

Lifeisnteasy · 10/01/2022 18:43

I went ahead & had one. I hope this doesn’t cause offence, but I imagined how I would feel if I found out I couldn’t have children and the choice was taken from me. I knew I would be devastated. Anyway I don’t regret my decision, I adore my DD and feel very lucky to have her. However we have no financial worries & my DH is a very good and responsible dad who will happily take her so I can go out for the evening, the odd weekend away etc.

Poshjock · 10/01/2022 18:43

I pretty much assumed I would have children because, well that's what you do isn't it? But actually I wasn't particularly driven to and by the time I met my DH I realised I was ambivalent. I knew if I had one or more I would be a good mum and would adjust fine but I wasn't fussy either way. I left the decision to DH and as he had two children already he chose not to have any more.

I have not ever regretted the decision. I am a happy step mum and auntie and soon to be step gran.

ShowOfHands · 10/01/2022 18:51

I was coming on to say I was ambivalent but I'm not sure what most people on here are describing is ambivalence rather than apathy iyswim. Ambivalence is more characterised by have directly conflicting feelings at the same time ie really wanting DC but having serious concerns which also hold you back. I think people are describing more apathy where there's no particular pull either way.

I really had to weigh up what was the biggest pull. I had DC. Two of them in fact.

I think we, as a society, should see choosing not to have DC as a valid and considered option. I did feel that I was almost expected to reproduce iyswim.

CorpusCallosum · 10/01/2022 18:55

I was ambivalent and did have DC. I found the baby times very hard and really regretted the decision. I resented DD and her issues/the problems she caused me. Now she is a bit older and she's great, I love her lots. Life would definitely be less fun without her and long term I can imagine feeling that life is overall more fun for having her in it ❤️

Also expecting number 2 😬

PinchOfVom · 10/01/2022 18:56

I thank my stars every day that I got pregnant accidentally because I adore my children and I definitely would have been one to miss the boat - it didn’t remotely feature in my plans whatsoever. Imam flightless botch by nature and was actually on a gap yah (age 34!)

I’ll be honest I spent the entire pregnancy feeling horrified and the first year completely bereft if my old life

It gets better every year

But it’s really difficult making the transition. I don’t know what I’d recommend anybody else to do.

SheWoreYellow · 10/01/2022 18:59

I only found out recently that ambivalence is vacillating rather than being apathetic. I think other people might have the same misconception (pardon the pun).

Ohyesiam · 10/01/2022 19:00

I really didn’t want kids( kilter about my childhood made me want to recreate a nuclear family), then I met my husband at 36 and something began to change. I was still ambivalent, and feared hating the baby stage , which I did.
To be honest I know I wouldn’t have gone through with it if I didnt have a man who was obviously going to be an excellent father.
He was brilliant with the kids but, but a bit lost with teens, but I seem to love the teen bit, so it’s all worked out.

Schlerp · 10/01/2022 19:01

I was mid 30s and my partner and I didn’t want kids, not just didn’t want them, we’re properly anti-kids. Nature had other ideas (pill baby) and she’s now a grumpy teen. We had another more recently that we did make a conscious decision to have. Like a PP I’m really glad we did have kids. I do miss the freedom I had prekids and will probably be almost retired before I get that again but I don’t regret having them for a moment.

GrandRapids · 10/01/2022 19:06

No maternal urges whatsoever. Had been with DH 10 years and although we were both ambivalent about it, we decided that we'd probably regret not having any later in life, so went for it.

We just have the one and that's definitely enough for us. Miss my old life and the freedom and spontaneity, but on balance very glad we have had the experience of parenthood.

passionfruitpizza · 10/01/2022 19:10

I just did it because it was expected/next step. I really didn't like children. I was reading Gina Ford and working out how fast I could go back to work/out socialising. It completely changed me though. It turned out I really loved being a parent (after the first couple of months) and it's honestly the most amazing thing that I could imagine. Getting to watch a person become a person is incredible. Maybe my super low expectations and apathy helped.

tillyandmilly · 10/01/2022 19:16

Deliberated when I was in my 30’s having been with then partner 10 years - he was not bothered either way - years went by and then my partner took early retirement on the grounds of Ill health and then they was that! I have never been really maternal but now at 54 I wish I had ! Too late now sadly …