If you were ambivalent about having children

[Horriblewoman]

Did you have them?

Husband and I are both mid 30s, relatively comfortable, me the higher earner, both like our jobs / life / freedom.

I don't not want children, but my biological clock hasn't kicked in yet.

Talking it through yesterday I said I wished I knew that I definitely didn't want them, rather than this rather apathetic view I have currently! Most of our friends have them, my family are incredibly supportive, his are fine.

Did anyone feel the same way and what did you decide?

You never know how you will react to actually having children. My sister was ambivalent but now loves being a mother and is so well suited to it, she is fantastic. I always wanted at least two children but I find parenting difficult and overwhelming a lot of the time and I'd class myself as a decent mother!

I will say that parenthood can bring with it incredible worry and hard times, but also some of the most joyful moments you will ever experience. The love for your child really is like no other.

I spent many years determined to remain child free following an abusive childhood.
Met my now DW (SS relationship) and became very broody in my mid thirties, so had fertility treatment and 2 DC.
Subsequently experienced v poor mental health and for a long time wished I had not had them. Now receiving treatment and managing mother hood much better. They junior school age and fortunately DW has always been an amazing parent.

So I would be cautious due to this, however we had specific issues - high pressure jobs, no family support, both introverts, no other friends with children - that no doubt exacerbated my experience. And I wouldn’t be without them now.

We had a baby because we'd been married a few years, bought a lovely house, were financially secure and it just seemed like the thing married couples did next rather than any burning desire to start a family on our part.
Having a baby was MUCH more of an upheaval and change to our life than I could possibly have imagined and I did struggle with the first few months, I think we knew fairly early on that we'd only be having the one child!
Having said that, my DS is the absolute joy of my life (sorry to be so corny!) and I've loved watching him grow up and I'm so immensely proud of him but I couldn't have done it more than once and I'm sure DH and I would still have had a lovely life on our own.
That's a long winded way of saying either choice will hopefully work out well for you, don't feel pressured by anyone else's expectations.

@SheWoreYellow

I only found out recently that ambivalence is vacillating rather than being apathetic. I think other people might have the same misconception (pardon the pun).

I didn't know this either! I would've said I was ambivalent but thanks to this thread I now know it was probably apathy instead The best advice I had was from my friend, who told me to make trying or not trying a conscious decision rather than letting it drift (I was 36) and I was very lucky to conceive both kids quickly given my advanced maternal age. My deciding factor (maybe it was ambivalence after all, haha) was seeing now DH with a friend's dog and musing what a waste it would be if he didn't have kids. My instinct was correct, and he's a much more intuitive and natural parent than me.

I was highly ambivalent but DH was keen. Children are adults now, it’s been a wild ride but no regrets. I suspect if I hadn’t had them I’d be happy too, I’m a happy type.

There was a thread about this exact subject last week and pretty much all the posters said they were so glad they had kids.

I asked to be sterilised in my 20s because I really didn't want kids, I didn't particularly like them at all then at 34 I had something major in my life that made me reassess the importance of family and whilst I wasn't 100% sure I did want children the fear of not having them was now bigger than the fear of having them.

It took 3 years to get pregnant and I now have two daughters aged 6 and 8 and adore them, I love being a Mum and am so glad I have them in my life.
Yes it's been hard at times and I didn't particularly enjoy the baby stage with either but they're amazing people and I look forward to growing old and seeing what they do with their lives.

There's nothing like the feeling of a little hand grabbing yours or two skinny arms wrapped around your neck.

I was ambivalent and had a vague idea if we did have any children we'd have them 'sometime in our 30's', but it was taken out of our hands; in my late 20's I was diagnosed with endometriosis and following treatment my GP told me if we were going to have children we needed to get on with it Immediately. DC1 was born a year later.
Having our first child did not change the ambivalence, having DC's was not the be all and end all for us, but in my mid 30's nature once again stepped in via my biological clock and I couldn't ignore it. DC2 was born a couple of years later.
Although I'm glad we did have DC's, I'm still not fussed about children.

‘Ambivalent’ is probably overstating it somewhat ; we were always leaning towards ‘No’. In the end, we never seriously considered trying.

Now, that stage of life has passed and we are both very happily childfree by choice with absolutely zero regrets and if I had my time again I would 100% make the same decision.

I had days where I was certain I wanted them and days where I was certain I wanted to remain child-free. I accidentally fell pregnant and now I have one child.

The baby period was tough and there were times I regretted it but now I‘m so happy they’re here. I would say though that now I have a child, I can see that I would have been happy either way - it would just be different.

@Frenchfurze

Was completely decided on remaining childfree, had about a year of ambivalence aged 38, we decided to stop using contraception, conceived first month of trying just as I turned 39, and now have a nine year old, who is wonderful.

I think we both approached it in the spirit of 'It might be interesting' and 'It's a thing we haven't done', and figured we would do a good enough job as parents, if we had a child.

I don't think ambivalence should rule anything out, and neither do I believe the biological clock hits everyone. I certainly never had the remotest broody urge, and I've never been someone who coos over pushchairs. I've never considered having another child, either.

This was the approach I took too. Didn't feel strongly about it and would probably lean toward not having them if DH didn't want them, but reckoned I could do a good job. All my friends had started getting into serious careers or moving out of London and renovating cottages so my weekend friend group was drying up and I needed a project and it wasn't going to be a house purchase!

I had a motivating factor though when my dad's cancer came back for the second time; I was the only hope of grandchildren and DH definitely wanted them, so I thought better to get on with it so my dad could meet his grandchild. My DS is also 9 and a proper handful, very stubborn and often challenging as he never listens, can destroy stuff accidentally within seconds of entering a room and is convinced he’s right 100% of the time, but he is actually a carbon copy of my dad, personality and all. There's none of DH in him, to our surprise. However, his Grandad is fortunately still with us and utterly adores him. Two know-it-all extroverts bookending the family and the rest of us in the middle!

(I had a second as I heard that two often occupy each other and cancel out the chaos.. that has been true to an extent.)

Yes, I was a bit ambivalent and I think that’s good. Having children obviously changes your life enormously so if you feel entirely positive about the idea then you’re not being realistic and the reality might be a shock.

I got pregnant immediately when we started trying, despite being no spring chicken, and felt rather daunted by how fast it happened. But the DC are, of course, wonderful and the best thing that ever happened to me.

I agree with YerWanIsGettinNotions that two are in some ways easier than one.

With respect I think you are looking at this wrong. It’s not as simple as a binary right or wrong. Either decision will be right on some days and leave you with regret on others.

If you don’t have children there are times when you will regret it and fine yourself wondering how it could have been. Friends with lovely adult children will make you wish you had followed the same route.

If you do decide to have children there are times when the boredom, the compromise and the endless sense of sitting out some of the best years of your life will make you miss the life you had, and make you wish you could enjoy the kids as an aunty and give them back at the end of the day!

Whatever you decide you will have fantastic days where you don’t want your life any other way and you will have days where you feel regret for what you have missed.

I'm in a similar position as OP (although a bit older) and the response from @Whysolong7 is possibly the best / most reassuring I've ever read, so thank you for that.

I'm ambivalent; I really fear I'll regret it we don't have them, but really worry that I won't enjoy it if I do, particularly if we were to split up : a family unit has appeal to me, single parenthood does not. DP is keener but has a more optimistic outlook generally.

I tend to think as PPs have done that we'll let nature decide for us (we don't currently use any contraception but don't 'try' with regards timing at the moment either). I can't imagine being driven enough to go through the agony I've seen friends suffer with IVF.

I absolutely did not want children. Then all of a sudden, I wanted them desperately. I have one lovely one. I love her more than I could ever put into words, she is my world - but honestly, I find motherhood so unbelievably stressful and unbelievably hard work. No one could have ever prepared me for the reality. Having a child has the potential to change you, your partner, your relationship out of all recognition.

I was ambivalent and then we tried and were successful

I was 32

Then another at 35

They are teens now and they are the centre of everything I do

I never 'felt' the urge

My life would be different, I would have a career and earn lots of money and have lots of money

However I cannot remember my life without them

My observation is that I think of them before myself every day

In another life it would be different

There is no right answer, have them or not no-one can tell you

But hurry up as if you have any challenges conceiving time is not on your side

I felt vaguely like I might have some much later when I felt grown up but Id had it well drummed into me by my mum that parenting was a hard slog and so was in no rush.

Ttc at 32 or 33 (with a view to having a ‘year off’ work - So naive!) but having fertility issues instead was devastating. That and a death in the family really put things into perspective.

We have a DS and he’s so ace but the baby year was rough, trying to get back to work with all the sickness of daycare was soul destroying and we spend far too much time staying in watching Netflix ( but I’m partly blaming covid for that!). Even so I ’d love another.

Nope and no regrets (almost 40)
We absolutely love our life child free. Kids aren't for everyone and that's fine.

I suppose the thing is that if you don't have a child, you never know how having one would have been. I haven't had any, never wanted to, and am completely happy with that; but perhaps if I had, it would have given me the joy that most parents here have experienced.

However, I have had very long-lasting and close connections with several children, including living with three for 14 years from when the youngest was seven (not as a stepmother). That was a privilege and I'm glad it happened. My DP has three DCs, and they and their children are my family too. But I still feel fervently grateful that I never became a mother myself!

@Whysolong7 thanks for your post. I'm in a similar position to the OP and it was really refreshing to read your perspective. We get so caught up in fearing regret, but at the end of the day, it is just another emotion.

I was ambivalent but DH wanted children (I did know this before we got married), so we had 2. DH used to want 4, not any more!! . I do regret it, at the moment anyway, hoping that will change when they are a bit bigger. If I hadn't had them though, I would probably be sitting here worried that I was missing out! It's tricky, you never know until you have them and by then it's too late.

I am 36, husband 43. We have been on the fence our whole relationship, and I have never felt any urge to have children so I’d say I was more on the child-free side than he was, as I’d never had that broody feeling over babies (just dogs 😂). In 2020 my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour and he was surprised that the first thing he thought after “I’m going to die” was “what a shame, I never had children”. It changed his whole outlook on it and we decided that we’d try, if we were given the chance to. January 2021 he got an all clear, recovery went brilliantly and in August after a holiday that was pretty much normal I found out I was pregnant! Pretty much a year to the day we found out about the tumour, very strange how it worked out. I’m still petrified if I’m honest, I never pictured myself as a mother but I am happy and excited as well. We are only having one, we can’t comfortably afford more. I wouldn’t wish our experience on anyone but I am grateful that it meant we finally made a decision on kids, the not knowing what to do was driving me insane really.

Well I'm glad I'm not alone! And @worrymcgee I'm glad your husband is ok now.

I think we're trying the 'let's see what happens method' which is basically both of us not wanting to make a decision either way. Our friends have been very honest about how challenging it can be so at least we're not coming at it from a position of blissful ignorance.

Can you spend time with friends & their kids of varying ages?

Newborns -toddlers are really hard work. I believe that primary ages are the smoothest running, great fun but also demanding. Teens then are a whole new challenge as I understand it!

You need to really know that you want dc, with all that comes with having them IMHO.
Pressures I hadn't considered include changing my relationship completely, financial & work pressures, my body changing.

I definitely have found a greater respect for my parents & our relationship has improved with DC.

I wouldn't have DC if I didn't have a really strong wish for them.

@Horriblewoman

Well I'm glad I'm not alone! And *@worrymcgee* I'm glad your husband is ok now.

I think we're trying the 'let's see what happens method' which is basically both of us not wanting to make a decision either way. Our friends have been very honest about how challenging it can be so at least we're not coming at it from a position of blissful ignorance.

I think you should either decide to try or decide not to or to postpone the decision for a while honestly. @Horriblewoman. Especially if you have mixed feelings about becoming parents, it's a big decision to leave to chance. And talk before you conceive about the detail of how you are going to care for a child if you have one -- not only what kind of childcare, assuming you both work, but whether your jobs are child-friendly and flexible, or can be made so, and who will take a day off if your child is sick and can't go to nursery, what your weekends will look like, how you will both continue to maintain friendships, hobbies etc etc.

Pretty much exactly the same as @Paddingtonthebear, but I was 40. Now have one 7 year old daughter. Very happy, and very glad we did it. But also no urge to have any more. And would probably have been equally as happy if it hadn't happened. Life is certainly pretty different though.