If you were ambivalent about having children

[Horriblewoman]

Did you have them?

Husband and I are both mid 30s, relatively comfortable, me the higher earner, both like our jobs / life / freedom.

I don't not want children, but my biological clock hasn't kicked in yet.

Talking it through yesterday I said I wished I knew that I definitely didn't want them, rather than this rather apathetic view I have currently! Most of our friends have them, my family are incredibly supportive, his are fine.

Did anyone feel the same way and what did you decide?

You need to really know that you want dc, with all that comes with having them IMHO.

@magicstars people say this, but it drives me nuts - how can you possibly know you want them, before you have them?
As you say, it completely turns your life upside down. So presumably what you believe you "know" is actually just - you know you want what you believe it will be like. And the reality could be totally different, as many people discover.
And you have no idea what type of child you're going to get either. Or maybe it's not even one child??
In the same position as OP and have no clue what the best thing to do is, tbh. Sorry if I sound exasperated, it's for that reason!

I always was clear I didn't want kids. At some point in my 20s, I realised I was a bit more ambivalent in that I didn't actively want them, but I didn't actively NOT want them either. DH was desperate to have them though.

For me, I adore my children and I can objectively see that while my life without them would have been good, there were things that I think would have happened that I'm glad didn't. More in terms of my approach to life, thinking etc. Having said that, what was crucial is that there was never any expectation from DH that I would change my life completely. I've been able to maintain a career, a social life, downtime etc and he has stepped up. There have been bumps, yes, but overall, I compare my experience with many of my friends and there's no doubt that if I'd had to be responsible for the vast bulk of everything as they were, I would not have survived. On here I read about women who never get a lie in, who can't go out for an evening because their DH can't cope, who never ever get a day away and I know with every fibre of my being that if that had been me I'd be wreck by now.

@BlingLoving

I always was clear I didn't want kids. At some point in my 20s, I realised I was a bit more ambivalent in that I didn't actively want them, but I didn't actively NOT want them either. DH was desperate to have them though.

For me, I adore my children and I can objectively see that while my life without them would have been good, there were things that I think would have happened that I'm glad didn't. More in terms of my approach to life, thinking etc. Having said that, what was crucial is that there was never any expectation from DH that I would change my life completely. I've been able to maintain a career, a social life, downtime etc and he has stepped up. There have been bumps, yes, but overall, I compare my experience with many of my friends and there's no doubt that if I'd had to be responsible for the vast bulk of everything as they were, I would not have survived. On here I read about women who never get a lie in, who can't go out for an evening because their DH can't cope, who never ever get a day away and I know with every fibre of my being that if that had been me I'd be wreck by now.

This post really speaks to me. My husband (apart from when he was ill, of course) does the vast majority of “house” type jobs because my work is more intense than his is (my career is not more important than his, not at all, but I’m more emotionally invested in mine than he is in his and it’s also our main source of income) he also says he enjoys taking care of me - and genuinely seems to, unlike previous relationships I’ve been in! If I thought for a second I would be taking on the vast majority of this on by myself, I would not be pregnant right now. I know I wouldn’t handle it. I have so many friends with husbands that do the absolute bare minimum and I’d be a total wreck. Hopefully my husband of 11 years won’t morph into an entirely new person when this baby is born 😂

Hopefully my husband of 11 years won’t morph into an entirely new person when this baby is born

I'm cautiously optimistic for you! . In my experience, the signs are there long before children arrive. It's just that when it's just the two o you, and a less complicated life, the woman doesn't notice or particularly mind that she's taking on the bulk of the work and the thinking. In our case, it was something we'd argued about and been slowing improving from the day we moved in together! DH worked much shorter hours (and earned significantly less) than me and I remember him uttering those immortal words re the huge pile of laundry I came home one night to find, "but why didn't you ask me to do the laundry". It wasn't pretty!

If your career is more profitable and more important to you, hopefully you're considering shared parental leave? I think that's a very powerful tool in ensuring things stay equal longer term.

@SheWoreYellow

I only found out recently that ambivalence is vacillating rather than being apathetic. I think other people might have the same misconception (pardon the pun).

Well blow me down, I never knew this! I’m genuinely stunned at the actual meaning of ambivalent - really thought it meant apathetic.

This is such an interesting thread! I come from the other end of the spectrum, in that I knew I definitely always wanted kids. From my mid 20's I think it was a big preoccupation of mine.

I had our first at 30, and despite being so clear about it, I found it very hard and had PND. We now have 3 children and I am grateful every day that we do, but I certainly underestimated how hard it can be.

Also completely agree that choosing not to have children can be a great decision which should absolutely be supported.

I got married at 29 and neither of us were in a major rush to have children . It was something that I eventually wanted but somehow 'eventually ' didn't seem to happen and if someone had told me back then that I wouldn't have children . It wouldn't have bothered me. DH was keener than me , at least as the years passed so I thought we should try when I was about 35. We needed assistance to conceive and then had twins when I was almost 39. No regrets whatsoever. DH was 4 years older than me. Unfortunately DH passed away when the DT's were 15 and it makes me sad that he didn't see them grow up and that they lost their dad when they were so young . If I'm honest , I also feel a little guilty that I waited so long also and contributed to DH not being with his children for longer , but I know logically that we all make choices without having any idea of what's to come

You need to really know that you want dc, with all that comes with having them IMHO.

This is always said and I don't think it's helpful. So many people I know who desperately wanted kids have found it very hard (including a couple of women who had postpartum psychosis) whereas the women I know who were more ambivalent managed the disruption to their lives much better. Some people who want DC never have them and many pregnancies are unplanned but most parents look after their DC well enough.

I never wanted kids, I thought they were too much work and and would be too disruptive to my career. DH and I almost split up over it when we were in our 20s because he always wanted DC. But as we moved into our mid 30s I decided to have DC. I knew DH would do his fair share of the parenting and I thought he'd be a good Dad (he is, e.g. we both worked PT when they were little and he has always done lots of the housework). It seemed like a reasonable next adventure. We now have 3DC and although the preschool years were very disruptive I really enjoy being a parent to my teenagers.

@Subulter it's a fair point but I'd say that half of my friends who have children decided to try and see what happens, and half actively were doing everything they could to have children.

I honestly have no doubt that my husband would be a brilliant dad, we are equal in everything that we do and while I may choose to spend more effort on certain things, he doesn't assume that I take on the burden of the house.

I'm luckily in that I have a stable job with a generous maternity policy, a workplace that encourages flexibility, and a husband who would likely reduce his days instead / too to look after a child alongside nursery so all those practical things are covered.

Dh and I always avoided the subject of children as I had been told on a routine consultation/examination with a doctor concerning my birth control that it was unlikely that I would ever concieve. After stopping birth control (I couldn't see the point) Ifell pretty quickly with DS1, then fell pregnant with Ds2 on the mini-pill, and my one intended daughter turned out to be twin boys!
I love my large family that I never particularly or wanted or imagined and according to them I am an okay Mum

OP I was in exactly the same boat, we took the plunge and it's the most incredible thing. I had a lot of fears about how it would impact my life/body/relationship and all I can say is that life is a million times more beautiful now. I know it's not this way for everyone but we couldn't be any happier. Our daughter is almost a year old now and I feel like we wring so much joy out of every day. The relationship is amazing and it's wonderful to get to know her as her personality develops. I do think that it helps that my husband is an equal parent and was very very supportive through my pregnancy. That should be a given but sadly on MN it seems it's not

@headspin10

This is such an interesting thread! I come from the other end of the spectrum, in that I knew I definitely always wanted kids. From my mid 20's I think it was a big preoccupation of mine.

I had our first at 30, and despite being so clear about it, I found it very hard and had PND. We now have 3 children and I am grateful every day that we do, but I certainly underestimated how hard it can be.

Also completely agree that choosing not to have children can be a great decision which should absolutely be supported.

This was pretty much me as well (without PND). Genuinely couldn't understand why people wouldn't want kids - until I had them!

Not a single ounce of regret but at the start I found it incredibly hard to adjust. Like other PP's I also have an incredible DH who is an equal parent. I don't know how people cope with a partner who doesn't pull their weight.

Being a parent can bring out the best and worst in you - currently doing alot of self assessment to ensure that some childhood issues (which are minor to be fair, but they are there nonetheless) are not filtering down to the kids. It can be overwhelming at times when I have had a bad day with them and think I am an awful parent.
Also we are relatively low earners and so money is always a stress.

I was always ambivalent about having kids - I really, really don't care for other people's children and don't like babies at all. DH really wanted to be a Dad though. I set myself some career and personal goals to achieve pre-kids, and then once we were there just stopped taking the pill - I have PCOS and so didn't think it was likely that I'd get pregnant. 3 months later, much to everyone's surprise I was knocked up.

I had HG and hated every, single second of being pregnant. Hated, hated, hated it. Wanted to crawl out of my own skin, cried every day, thought I'd made an awful mistake and my life was ruined.

Turns out I LOVE being a mum. Love, love, love DS so much. He's 2.5 and the most fun little feral sidekick. Still don't like other people's children and will politely decline to hold a baby, but I have no regrets at all about having my own.

In some ways I think it's better to be ambivalent about it. I remember one thread on here where someone said she'd always wanted to be a mum, and thought it would be all happiness and bonding and was then shocked and devastated when it was actually really hard. I thought it would be really, really hard and it's actually not that bad at all. I've done harder things, I was def more sleep deprived in my raving 20s.

I also find people talk a lot of martyr-y bullshit about motherhood. I had DS when I was 32 (I'm 35 now) and basically carried on with a baby - now a toddler in tow. I still work full time, at the weekend I always loved going to museums and doing cultural stuff and going to brunch and now I just...do that with DS - he is an ace bruncher. DH is an equal partner, so we take it in turns to hang out with our friends and do non-toddler stuff. Still wear the same clothes, hang out with the same people, like the same stuff. I became a mum, I didn't have personality transplant. If anything I feel more myself since I have DS.

[quote Horriblewoman]@Subulter it's a fair point but I'd say that half of my friends who have children decided to try and see what happens, and half actively were doing everything they could to have children.

I honestly have no doubt that my husband would be a brilliant dad, we are equal in everything that we do and while I may choose to spend more effort on certain things, he doesn't assume that I take on the burden of the house.

I'm luckily in that I have a stable job with a generous maternity policy, a workplace that encourages flexibility, and a husband who would likely reduce his days instead / too to look after a child alongside nursery so all those practical things are covered.[/quote]
Actually, if you’re having unprotected sex, you’ve largely made the decision to try anyway — though I think we were both certain in advance that, should we not conceive naturally, we wouldn’t explore any kind of medical intervention, or adoption, because we weren’t that set on becoming parents. I sometimes wonder if that mindset would have changed if we hadn’t conceived immediately — I don’t think it would have, but we’ll never know.

Great you’ve got practical things covered. And have a partner who’s fully on board as an equal parent.Good luck with it all!

I kinda felt this way. I wasn’t desperate to have a baby but not dead against it either. Child birth terrified me and the thought of not being able to go where I want n suit myself kinda scared me too. However I now have an 8 week old baby and he truly is the light of my life. I abso couldn’t be without him x

My advice is to recognise when your hormones are shrieking at you to procreate!

Mine did, to the extent they drowned out everything else. Including a perfectly capable brain. They didn’t quieten down for another 5 or 6 years, by which time it was too late (had had 2 DC).

I distinctly remember a feeling almost like coming to after losing consciousness. I looked at my life (who is this man? who ARE these children? where am I living and what happened to my life??!) and felt genuine shock. For around two years after that, I felt what I eventually admitted to my DH to be resentment. I resented my body and my hormones for the changes to my life, which I had LOVED. Which caused huge arguments, as he had never wanted children. And, honestly, neither had I really. Would have been fine to have just carried on as I was.

Now, however, with my children growing and separating from me inexorably and as they should, I’m grateful. And so is my DH. They have made our lives more interesting, richer, deeper. I feel connected to a swathe of humanity that was foreign to me when I was child free. I’ve felt new emotions, learned about myself, been tested and challenged. I’ve also gained a lot of weight, been in and out of hospital, aged prematurely, so there’s that too…

Seeing how things go is as good a strategy as any if you’re not sure BUT never forget that your children won’t have asked to be born. That’s all on you. They are your responsibility and you owe them, at least until they’re mature enough to suffer the consequences of their own actions (could happen at 16, 18, 25 or 45 or never, depending on how you and they turn out).

In case it’s not clear, I have never loved anyone or been loved by anyone as much as my children. They’re pretty much the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But, it has cost me a lot of time, energy, money, health, wellbeing.

I was adamant I didn’t want any at all but changed my mind suddenly at 36 for a few reasons.
It was really hard to get him here but we Now have a DS and he’s everything. Love him to pieces.
I am the higher earner, flexible workplace, great mat leave, easy enough to pick up my career at a later date. However I’m working part time and work plays second fiddle at the moment (never thought I’d say that!)
DH is magnificent and its 50/50 with everything, and he was 100% involved in night feeds and the like. None of this ‘I have to work that’s your job’ shite.
Be warned though that some blokes claim they will be sharing all aspects of home and childcare but when it comes down to it don’t - make sure your DH is on board with all it entails!