9 year old dislikes school and cba with learning

[puppystress]

My ds goes to school with shoulders slumped every morning and it's actually starting to get me down, I have run out of ways to try to encourage him or talk to him about it.

He has plenty of friends, no bullying issues. Doesn't struggle with the work he's given and is either average or above average jn all subjects. He just thinks the work set is a waste of time and boring. He just doesn't see the point in learning.

He describes his teachers as "hypocritical" (they don't answer his questions but when he doesn't answer their questions he gets "told off ") he definitely is sensitive to being "told off"...often getting teary at what he perceives to be a telling off when actually it isn't at all. If that makes sense.

Teachers have described him a kind, considerate and popular member of the class. They have said he surprises them consistently because he gives the impression he isn't listening but then goes on to prove (either through questioning or through the actual work he does) that he was in fact listening and taking it all in. They have no concerns regarding his learning or his social skills.

I'm kind of rambling now, guess I'm just venting, in the hope someone comes along and tells me something magical to do or say to change ds' view of school. I loved school and learning so I can't really relate and never quite know what to say. I want to connect with him about this and ultimately I'd love to see him going off to school happy.

Any suggestions?

@puppystress - aww not hating on him at all. I have a 9yo DS who thinks he is very, very clever and fascinating and funny! I adore him, obviously, but I'm aware that he can come across as a PITA too. I've noticed recently that my DS will say something or someone is "annoying" when what he really means is either it's not going exactly as he wanted it to, or the person/people involved don't think he is quite as amazing as he does! Could this be the case here?

I do get that it's a bit heart breaking when you think they are sad. Also - check in with the teacher if he is really disengaged at school. Both mine have gone through phases of saying they hated school but when I spoke to teachers they would say they were really involved and doing well. What I mean is, they can ham it up to us because it gets them some attention and it's interesting to see what we'll do in response, not because they are genuinely miserable.

Maybe he was being facetious maybe he was being sarcastic. I can't comment as I wasn't there. What I do know is that ds is fed up of his teacher never letting him ask questions or talk about things. If he has gotten facetious during the school year because of this well then I don't blame him really. His last teacher was the exact opposite. She used to talk to me about how the curriculum was restrictive and how she would allow the class to go off on tangents which is probably why ds is struggling with this new teachers way of teaching.

I dunno, maybe the teacher could have used it as an interesting opportunity to take a minute to teach the children the definition of 'desert' instead of shutting him down. Its depressing that the curriculum/ teachers day is so structured and tight that they don't have time or energy to discuss educational things and to encourage further learning.

I was hoping to get some tips or tricks on how I could make my mornings a little easier and try and get his head out of not liking learning anymore. He hasn't always been this way. I don't go on at him at all, because I never know what to say to him and I don't want to make it worse...hence posting here for what I was hoping for kind advice from fellow parents.

I will check in with his teacher...thank you

He's bright. Very bright. Everything you've written absolutely screams of it

I think so too.

My DD hated the last couple of years at primary. She’s fairly shy but also bright and was getting bored with all the stock topics and same routine.
I explained that she needed to do her best to set up for the secondary years and that teachers do put forward a report on your strengths etc so you do have to put some effort in to play the game and be respectful.
Some of this was definitely a bit of depression/low mood which we explored but I could never really shake her out of it even with the lovely teacher putting in her input.
She’s at secondary now and enjoys it much more although I still get that “it’s boring”attitude sometimes.
I think one thing that helped was not listening to the endless moaning and giving her a platform for it so I was just breezy “sorry you hated maths today and it was a poster again in science, shall we make some cakes” I also backed up the teachers unless something unfair came up of course so I would say “ well they have to show that method for all the kids/that’s the curriculum they have to teach Rainforests”
Yes it’s a bit depressing watching them slump off but if there is nothing serious wrong just try and leave it.

Of course I think he's very bright but that's because I'm his mum! His teacher says he is above average in most subjects but didn't engage in discussion about giving him extra work when I brought it up. I told her he found the homework incredibly easy and therefore a bit pointless and asked if she would set some more but she didn't go for that either. I don't want to be one of those parents insisting on things so I left it as she is the teacher and she knows best (we'll she should anyway)

@puppystress

Maybe he was being facetious maybe he was being sarcastic. I can't comment as I wasn't there. What I do know is that ds is fed up of his teacher never letting him ask questions or talk about things. If he has gotten facetious during the school year because of this well then I don't blame him really. His last teacher was the exact opposite. She used to talk to me about how the curriculum was restrictive and how she would allow the class to go off on tangents which is probably why ds is struggling with this new teachers way of teaching.

I dunno, maybe the teacher could have used it as an interesting opportunity to take a minute to teach the children the definition of 'desert' instead of shutting him down. Its depressing that the curriculum/ teachers day is so structured and tight that they don't have time or energy to discuss educational things and to encourage further learning.

I was hoping to get some tips or tricks on how I could make my mornings a little easier and try and get his head out of not liking learning anymore. He hasn't always been this way. I don't go on at him at all, because I never know what to say to him and I don't want to make it worse...hence posting here for what I was hoping for kind advice from fellow parents.

You do realise how much time kids have missed because of Covid and you think teachers have the luxury of discussing every little thing. Of course they don't. In an ideal world, curious children should be able to question but in a room with 30 ish kids all of whom have missed learning due to a pandemic then life isn't always like this. Imagine if all 30 children were like this. Nothing would get done and no curriculum learning would take place.

I get that it's grating for a teacher to have 30 kids all wanting to discuss something but it's pretty sad that there's no time for discussion with such a strict curriculum .

Children aren't robots, they all learn in different ways but they have to go in these little boxes with no space to develop a love of learning. My child is bright and curious but primary school can't really support his learning style.

It's not just about asking children to be quiet or sit still or less facetious - some can't and they are already internalising the message that learning is boring and that they are a nuisance. I wish teachers had more freedom and support

@ilovebagpuss

My DD hated the last couple of years at primary. She’s fairly shy but also bright and was getting bored with all the stock topics and same routine. I explained that she needed to do her best to set up for the secondary years and that teachers do put forward a report on your strengths etc so you do have to put some effort in to play the game and be respectful. Some of this was definitely a bit of depression/low mood which we explored but I could never really shake her out of it even with the lovely teacher putting in her input. She’s at secondary now and enjoys it much more although I still get that “it’s boring”attitude sometimes. I think one thing that helped was not listening to the endless moaning and giving her a platform for it so I was just breezy “sorry you hated maths today and it was a poster again in science, shall we make some cakes” I also backed up the teachers unless something unfair came up of course so I would say “ well they have to show that method for all the kids/that’s the curriculum they have to teach Rainforests” Yes it’s a bit depressing watching them slump off but if there is nothing serious wrong just try and leave it.

Thank you

Yes I try to be breezy too and believe it or not its not something we discuss all the time. Its just not nice seeing him so down going into school. I back up the teacher more often than not but I was a bit taken aback when he said she used the word ridiculous (I've asked him again of that was the word she used and he said yes and I believe him)

Hopefully next year he will have a teacher he gets on better with

I have to be honest. He sounds like he is a bit arrogant and ungrateful. Personally I would shut down a lot of the moaning about school. Even if he doesn't get his way or doesn't like everything the teachers says or does, he doesn't need to complain about everything. I might also be sharing some info about the value of education. I did some work with my class about attitudes to learning in other countries. It really opened my class's eyes to the opportunities and advantages they had vs children in other countries around the world.

That sounds a bit defeatist but unless you are going to consider moving schools or investigating gifted and talented testing he will need to be able to cope with standard teaching and classes.
Could you explore moving teachers? Our school would let them move if there was another year group class if a child was really unhappy.

Sorry my post not your reply. It’s very hard seeing them miserable.

Could it be that he's actually a lot brighter than his current results suggest and that he's bored and has disengaged as a result?

I do see where other posters (especially those who are actually teachers) are coming from - I don't have kids and am not a teacher, but I would imagine that there aren't enough hours in the week to deal with this mano a mano, as it were.

Is there anything he enjoys sharpening his brain on that you could encourage? Something like coding, or chess, or modelling, that could be done outwith school hours, but would give him sufficient stimulation to help him reshape his attitude a bit?

I was also that 'very bright, but bored' kid for a lot of my school years and unfortunately, an attitude doesn't really help you in the grand scheme of things.

What do you do with him at home? Does he have access to lots of books? Lots of board games? Is he challenged to learn new things? Music? Chess? The whole point about learning new stuff constantly is that you are challenged in the classroom and outside of it and teaches you to be humble about the things you are not good at.
While you can motivate him at school, I suspect he needs to perhaps be pushed more at home (not necessarily academically but in different ways). That might stop him acting out in school.

He doesn't moan!

He has slumped shoulders going into school and if I ask him he will tell me why. He doesn't volunteer any info at all and I'll be lucky if he tells me anything.

He isn't arrogant or facetious, he really isn't. He is a curious little boy who maybe wants to impress people with his knowledge, get conversations started, how sad that this is seen as arrogance and should be squashed.

Teachers, including this one, have said he is a kind and considerate child who they have no issues with.

All it would have taken is for teacher to say "that's an interesting answer, because technically the Arctic IS a desert"

I came on for advice about how to spark interest in a little boy and all I get is people insulting him and suggesting he should STFU because teachers don't have time.

Fucking hell this thread is depressing.

I have one of those. The problem is the education system....and I understand it has to meet the needs of all...but by trying to pitch in the middle it actually ends up not meeting the needs of many.

The challenge for teachers is that they are support to deepen knowledge not extend it now. So if a child has got 2 digit multiplication then instead of saying OK- now flip it around and try division they ate supposed to say great now try 3 digit multiplication, and 4 digit multiplication and 5 digit multiplication while some kids are still doing two digit. Meanwhile the child who is on 5 digits is just bored because they know it's the same thing with more numbers....

I would (if I could afford it) pay for a private educational psychologist assessment. They you will know what is going on with your DS - his iq, what he excels at and what is a challenge.
I would encourage his interests out of school - eg a science club or Lego or whatever his particular interest is.
My DS loves science and finds the lessons too simplistic. So I buy him books, encourage it at home etc. Then to work hard in school and get the best grades possible - because this should lead to more streatching work.
In a way it’s the same in a job. You have to prove you can do the basics before you are moved into the more challenging parts of the job.

We read together a lot at home, play chess, card games, board games, watch films together.

Have tried to get him into music...not interested

He loves football.

@Mumdiva99

I have one of those. The problem is the education system....and I understand it has to meet the needs of all...but by trying to pitch in the middle it actually ends up not meeting the needs of many.

The challenge for teachers is that they are support to deepen knowledge not extend it now. So if a child has got 2 digit multiplication then instead of saying OK- now flip it around and try division they ate supposed to say great now try 3 digit multiplication, and 4 digit multiplication and 5 digit multiplication while some kids are still doing two digit. Meanwhile the child who is on 5 digits is just bored because they know it's the same thing with more numbers....

Yes to this! He is great at maths and just find the repetition so boring. He downloaded a maths app to my phone and has worked out how to calculate square roots on his own?? I don't even know how to do it? But I tested him and he got all the answers right

Wow I could have written this about my son! All the details are the same. He finds school slow and boring, he claims he's not learning anything. Not sure what to do.

He does sound like a smart little cookie. But he also sounds like he is lacking in social skills. As everyone has said, teachers have a lot to get through and can't engage every child's whim, especially when presented in a "gotcha" manner. You need to help him learn that school doesn't revolve around him, he has to engage with the lesson, not try and take it off on a tangent and, if he does feel he wants to make a point, to make it more politely - "They live in the arctic which is actually a type of desert". Or home educate him and let him follow his whims and trust that he matures as he gets a bit older.

@Serenschintte

I would (if I could afford it) pay for a private educational psychologist assessment. They you will know what is going on with your DS - his iq, what he excels at and what is a challenge. I would encourage his interests out of school - eg a science club or Lego or whatever his particular interest is. My DS loves science and finds the lessons too simplistic. So I buy him books, encourage it at home etc. Then to work hard in school and get the best grades possible - because this should lead to more streatching work. In a way it’s the same in a job. You have to prove you can do the basics before you are moved into the more challenging parts of the job.

Thank you for this helpful reply

Unfortunately modern state education isnt about firing a childs enthusiasm for learning. Its covering a very heavy National curriculum. Bloody Govt targets! Individual thinking/debating doesnt seem to have a place. Large number of kids, a lot of infomation to be transferred doesnt allow for individual conversation. What does he like? Can you trigger a love of learning elsewhere? Clubs, interests, tutors? Otherwise look at scholarships/bursaries for indies (who dont have to stick to rigid NC teaching)
Good luck OP ! I have grown up DC , this was an issue 20yrs ago, pressure on schools is worse now. You will have to be your childs champion so they get re engaged and achieve.
Bright DC arent always the ones doing the best in class as one size does not fit all. Not the teachers fault but a result of culture of meeting targets for the masses.

@puppystress

So how can I get my son to enjoy school again?

Apart from telling him not to be a facetious little fucker or to try to open any discussions or explore any ideas with the teacher, that is

Sorry, that's the bit he does need to develop.

It doesn't matter if he is the smartest 9 year old on the planet if when he's asked a question, he gives the most ridiculous yet technically accurate response. You have know what they're looking for and give it to them - which is a skill that will be absolutely vital in exams, as if you don't know what they're looking for or think it's such a stupid bloody example they've given or question, you aren't going to dignify it with the response they will be looking for - well, you're going to come across as a bit dim, really.

Something I learned through experience. I still haven't forgiven my headteacher for laughing at me when he asked the class 'where do stars come from?' and I tried to stammer out a word I'd never heard but had read, being nebulae, gave up and spluttered out the answer 'a kind of factory of gas and gravity and then the gases join up together and they get hotter and hotter until they become stars', only for him to start roaring with laughter and cutting me off at the factory bit. I was only six at the time and shouldn't have been sneaking into the reference books bit of the school library for another year when we were still supposed to be on Janet and John books, but that really, really stung. Especially as the 'correct' answer was apparently 'God made them'.

Sarcasm is like chilli. Some people can't get enough of it and some can't be doing with any. When you're responsible for 30 little gits angels, one smartarse who hasn't actually condescended to do anything to let you know that they are smart is not the time for applying a little heat.

@User12398712

He does sound like a smart little cookie. But he also sounds like he is lacking in social skills. As everyone has said, teachers have a lot to get through and can't engage every child's whim, especially when presented in a "gotcha" manner. You need to help him learn that school doesn't revolve around him, he has to engage with the lesson, not try and take it off on a tangent and, if he does feel he wants to make a point, to make it more politely - "They live in the arctic which is actually a type of desert". Or home educate him and let him follow his whims and trust that he matures as he gets a bit older.

Also helpful, you made your point in a non judgemental way so thank you for that. It's hard to take advice on board when your child is being called names. Thank you for the helpful constrictive criticism, j will speak tk him about the way he answers teacher