My 6 year old is crying about school

[ChildHatesSchool]

She’s year 2. Never really settled into Reception then covid hit. She hated home school as much as as she did real school, in the end her teacher asked us to focus on phonics, writing and maths work as she struggled so much, so we did school in the morning then fun in the afternoon.

She went back for a few weeks in 2020 but hated the bubbles and refused to go into the classroom and her teacher was banned from picking her up and putting her in so school withdrew her place. I know this made her worse as she was out of school for so long.

She went back for year 1 (new teacher) but her class had two periods of isolation so she got further behind. Then the second lockdown happened. She just crumbled with the second lockdown, she refused to pick up a pencil and do anything, no matter what I tried she refused, punishments didn’t work, encouragement from school and me didn’t work, even bribery didn’t work (I literally offered her £10 to buy toys or whatever she wanted if she tried to do some work and she refused).

Back for end of Year 1 and her class had 3 more periods of isolation.

Year 2 started (another new teacher) and everyday has been a battle to get her into school, screaming, crying, biting me, she’s hidden her uniform, hidden her shoes, she’s even deliberately wet herself on the way to school. We’ve been late by 5-10 minutes nearly every day. When asked why she just says she hates school and there’s no point trying because it’ll close again soon.

There have also been issues with the children who were in during lockdown, it isn’t all to do with DD, but those who were in during lockdown have progressed socially as normal and now tend to exclude those who weren’t in because they see them as babyish. She’s in a class of 25 and at one point in the second lot of school closures they had 18 in. We had to stop taking part in the zoom calls as DD would cry after them and start being violent because she could see all her friends in school but wasn’t allowed to see them or play with them and she didn’t understand.

I don’t recognise my child. She used to be so happy, would run into nursery without even looking back at me.

We’ve now got the Sunday night “I’m not going to school” crying, when asked specifically what she doesn’t like she says everything, it’s all too hard.

School estimate she’s around 2 years behind – her delay in settling into school (which apparently isn’t unusual) plus covid and the fact she’s had a new teacher every year but never been able to properly meet the teacher and see her new classroom. They think if it had just been a settling issue she’d have caught up by now. She hasn’t had any assessments as so many children need them now.

I am broken for her, I work and as a single parent I have no choice but to send her to school. I want to help her and make it better for her.

This isn’t a teacher bashing thread, in fact her teacher and headteacher have been fantastic, have tried everything they can to resettle her – friendship benches, lunchtime clubs, they even tried wraparound but it was just too much for her.

Any tips on helping her to like school again? She can’t read very well, and her writing is around the level of my 3 year old nephew, which really isn’t helping especially as the 18 who were in appear to be “on target” (I know this might just be DDs perception). I can’t go on like this.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Is getting a tutor at home an option. So that she feels more comfortable and confident doing her work before you take her back into the classroom?

A friend of mine asked the teacher to send her child home with the teachers pen.. Then the child would have to take the pen to school the next day so the teacher could teach it worked. So simple.
Worth a shot?

Could you try a different school? Would that help?

Can't afford a tutor sadly @MadamMaltesers wish I could, I keep seeing the adverts online and thinking "That'd help".

@TooMuchSugar22 Will speak to the teacher, she's pretty good so see if she has a suggestion.

@Justkeeppedaling I looked into other schools but this is the only school in the area with a space in Year 2, next nearest is a drive away and the opposite direction to work. I will consider it if it gets too much but want to try and make this school work if I can.

Could she possibly be dyslexic? I don't think they make diagnosis until age 7, but you could maybe look into it and research ways to help until she can be assessed.

Sorry to hear this - I have a child the same age and have had similar worries but in my case it’s worked out pretty well in y2 despite reception and year 1 years being a disaster and homeschool even worse.

Does she have any friends at all? I’m wondering if it’s worth encouraging friendships by organising more play dates.
Academically that might be harder but schools definitely have budgets now to work with kids that have fallen behind.

Oh dear, this must be so stressful for you. I remember one of my boys crying every morning until he was 6 that he didn't want to go in to school, but I do know that he was happy once he was there, it was just a separation thing. I felt terrible even so, every morning was just so stressy, and your situation sounds far worse.
I work in a school, and I know that your experience is not typical. As a single parent I know it's hard for you, but you do sometimes have to put your foot down, and it sounds as if she has had her own way quite a bit.
It is quite unusual for a child to have such a strong reaction to doing any form of learning, and I'm wondering what the issue is. Offering financial bribes is not the way forward for such a young child, encouragement and lots of positive feedback usually work better.
It is concerning that she won't even pick up a pencil.
I think I'd focus on enjoying books together and maybe drawing or doing colouring to keep her fine motor skills up to scratch. She won't learn in the formal sense while she is so tense , but she could play online spelling and number games.
It has been difficult for young children having to cope with lockdowns and isolations, but the bottom line is she does have to go school, and so do not let her think for one minute that there's a possibility that she doesn't have to go in. Start getting ready earlier, because being late won't make it easy for her to settle in class. She needs to get there on time.
I wonder if it might help for her to get to know some of the other children better, so she feels she has playtime with friends to look forward to. Can you arrange a few playdates at the park or something so she gets to play with the children inn a different environment.
Children often do find year 2 hard in terms of work after Reception and year 1, it is harder and more work focused. Your poor DD hasn't even had the benefit of a full year 1, so she is going to find it more difficult.
It's good to hear that the school are being supportive. There is no quick solution to this, and I think routine is helpful, and hard as it is, keep calm yourself.

Look at Oxford Owl online

There’s lots of free books that the app reads to the children and games after.

Look at some maths games - I think you need to go down the fun games -

Also you need to model reading to her, sit with a book and tell her how great it is - read it in her room before bed, so she understand the routine. Read to her. She doesn’t have to read - or do my turn your turn and do a page each - ask her to help you read - say you don’t understand, being ‘teacher’ helps her learn.

Buy audio books so her language skill can expand.

Invite friends over, let her play 1-1 with some other children.

Is she attending any clubs?

Would having a job to do help? Or coming in before work after everyone else to for a the calmer start? A named TA collecting her from you, and going to play board games/colour pictures/whatever DD enjoys.

I used to support a child with school refusal, and what worked best was gradual withdrawal. So for the first 3 months or so I met her at the gate and she got a sticker if she came with me. 7 stickers in a row = prize. Then once she could do that, I waited just inside the gate, and sticker was was given if she walked herself from her mum to me. Again, 7 stickers in a row = prize. Then I waited in the entrance for her and she had to walk in alone. Eventually I waited in the staff room, she’d knock and say she was here and take herself to class. It took a fair while, with set backs after holidays, but it worked eventually. As did some time to mature and a bit of play therapy.

I'm sending a pm now.

@DelphiniumBlue

Oh dear, this must be so stressful for you. I remember one of my boys crying every morning until he was 6 that he didn't want to go in to school, but I do know that he was happy once he was there, it was just a separation thing. I felt terrible even so, every morning was just so stressy, and your situation sounds far worse. I work in a school, and I know that your experience is not typical. As a single parent I know it's hard for you, but you do sometimes have to put your foot down, and it sounds as if she has had her own way quite a bit. It is quite unusual for a child to have such a strong reaction to doing any form of learning, and I'm wondering what the issue is. Offering financial bribes is not the way forward for such a young child, encouragement and lots of positive feedback usually work better. It is concerning that she won't even pick up a pencil. I think I'd focus on enjoying books together and maybe drawing or doing colouring to keep her fine motor skills up to scratch. She won't learn in the formal sense while she is so tense , but she could play online spelling and number games. It has been difficult for young children having to cope with lockdowns and isolations, but the bottom line is she does have to go school, and so do not let her think for one minute that there's a possibility that she doesn't have to go in. Start getting ready earlier, because being late won't make it easy for her to settle in class. She needs to get there on time. I wonder if it might help for her to get to know some of the other children better, so she feels she has playtime with friends to look forward to. Can you arrange a few playdates at the park or something so she gets to play with the children inn a different environment. Children often do find year 2 hard in terms of work after Reception and year 1, it is harder and more work focused. Your poor DD hasn't even had the benefit of a full year 1, so she is going to find it more difficult. It's good to hear that the school are being supportive. There is no quick solution to this, and I think routine is helpful, and hard as it is, keep calm yourself.

We're already up at 6am, which I think is too early for her but I have no choice, any later and we end up being very very late.

She doesn't like colouring, she's ok with painting but not a massive lover of colouring or drawing, she does have pens and pencils and I do encourage it but she often refuses to do it - that is one thing thats carried through, even in Nursery they said she wouldn't mark make or colour in with the other children.

@BluebellsGreenbells

Look at Oxford Owl online

There’s lots of free books that the app reads to the children and games after.

Look at some maths games - I think you need to go down the fun games -

Also you need to model reading to her, sit with a book and tell her how great it is - read it in her room before bed, so she understand the routine. Read to her. She doesn’t have to read - or do my turn your turn and do a page each - ask her to help you read - say you don’t understand, being ‘teacher’ helps her learn.

Buy audio books so her language skill can expand.

Invite friends over, let her play 1-1 with some other children.

Is she attending any clubs?

We read every night I can get her to sit and every day over the weekends/holidays, she loves stories and hearing people read she just finds it really hard to read herself.

Will have a look at Oxford Owls thank you.

@Frazzled2207

Sorry to hear this - I have a child the same age and have had similar worries but in my case it’s worked out pretty well in y2 despite reception and year 1 years being a disaster and homeschool even worse.

Does she have any friends at all? I’m wondering if it’s worth encouraging friendships by organising more play dates.
Academically that might be harder but schools definitely have budgets now to work with kids that have fallen behind.

She seems to have a few friends, and she does activities outside of school and loves those and has friends there. School do encourage friendships, and have done work about friends and being nice as well as bringing in the friendship benches - children without someone to play with sits on the bench and the TA/Teacher/Lunchtime Staff on duty then encourage others to include those children in their group/games.

@ChildHatesSchool if they’re now saying she’s 2 years behind, how would she/you feel about her going into Reception where it’s mostly play based but also will be at her level? You’d have to speak to school but you could then increase the time she’s in her actual year group as her skills progress.

She hasn’t had any assessments as so many children need them now.

It's certainly true it may be hard to get assessments because of the high demand on an underfunded system, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need them. She definitely seems to be struggling a great deal but at the moment it's very unclear as to why. I really think you need professional input to work out what's going on as only then will you be able to identify the right approach to help her and get the right support in place. Is her school refusing to make referrals to ed psych? I think this may be what's needed. If you look at your council website there will be information about schools and where to find support such as your local SENDIASS or SEN support service. It may be worth getting in touch to get advice on how to get your daughter suitable assessments and help.

My friends son was similar, he wouldn’t even look at a book. They ended up home schooling and he chose himself to learn to read as he wanted to be able to progress in the computer game he likes and read a magazine. They took all pressure off him and stopped trying to make him read and write. He then started with reading eggs

Reading eggs is def worth looking at but you have to pay for it
That said I think the first week or perhaps month should be free

@DaisyDreaming

My friends son was similar, he wouldn’t even look at a book. They ended up home schooling and he chose himself to learn to read as he wanted to be able to progress in the computer game he likes and read a magazine. They took all pressure off him and stopped trying to make him read and write. He then started with reading eggs

@DaisyDreaming I've seriously considered home schooling only reason I haven't yet is I'd still need some sort of childcare while I worked as I can't afford to not work.

@Prestel

She hasn’t had any assessments as so many children need them now.

It's certainly true it may be hard to get assessments because of the high demand on an underfunded system, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need them. She definitely seems to be struggling a great deal but at the moment it's very unclear as to why. I really think you need professional input to work out what's going on as only then will you be able to identify the right approach to help her and get the right support in place. Is her school refusing to make referrals to ed psych? I think this may be what's needed. If you look at your council website there will be information about schools and where to find support such as your local SENDIASS or SEN support service. It may be worth getting in touch to get advice on how to get your daughter suitable assessments and help.

@Prestel school have said that shes on the list for referral but currently there's nowhere to refer her to, Camhs in our area have closed their list as there's a 2 year wait, and the Ed psych has a similar waiting list.

Will check out Sendiass or the local SEN support service though, even if it's just to confirm.

[quote MamaTutu2]@ChildHatesSchool if they’re now saying she’s 2 years behind, how would she/you feel about her going into Reception where it’s mostly play based but also will be at her level? You’d have to speak to school but you could then increase the time she’s in her actual year group as her skills progress.[/quote]
@MamaTutu2 I suggested this but apparently there's other children who'd also benefit from some time in Reception or Year 1 but they can't do it for all of them so the answer is no without an EHCP.

I'm seriously considering home schooling now.

@Greenandcabbagelooking

Would having a job to do help? Or coming in before work after everyone else to for a the calmer start? A named TA collecting her from you, and going to play board games/colour pictures/whatever DD enjoys.

I used to support a child with school refusal, and what worked best was gradual withdrawal. So for the first 3 months or so I met her at the gate and she got a sticker if she came with me. 7 stickers in a row = prize. Then once she could do that, I waited just inside the gate, and sticker was was given if she walked herself from her mum to me. Again, 7 stickers in a row = prize. Then I waited in the entrance for her and she had to walk in alone. Eventually I waited in the staff room, she’d knock and say she was here and take herself to class. It took a fair while, with set backs after holidays, but it worked eventually. As did some time to mature and a bit of play therapy.

@Greenandcabbagelooking The only TA in year 2 is a 1-1, there is no TA support for the whole class. There's a general TA who does group work 1 morning or afternoon per week with each year group (apart from Reception) so DD gets that maybe once or twice per half term as there's 3 classes per year.

If there are a few children who would benefit from reception style learning then could the school group them and do some reception curriculum and style learning for that whole group rather than trying to slot them into a reception class? Maybe even just a couple of sessions a week to give them a bit of a break.

Try the app "teach your monster to read". We used that during lockdown instead of the lessons and it really really helped. My sons teacher could not believe how much his reading came on.

It might not help your dd but if her reading improved she might find the whole experience of school easier.

OP- the school have catch up funding for exactly your situation and as a direct result of lockdowns. What intervention have they planned for her to help her? She should be receiving small group support given the disparity between her age and her knowledge.

@boomshakalacka

OP- the school have catch up funding for exactly your situation and as a direct result of lockdowns. What intervention have they planned for her to help her? She should be receiving small group support given the disparity between her age and her knowledge.

@boomshakalacka They have 1 TA delivering small group work, but as there's 3 classes per year and she's part time she only offers 1 morning or 1 afternoon per week per year group, and as the school are back in bubbles due to a big covid outbreak it means each child only gets 1 or 2 sessions per half term.

She's on a support plan but there isn't a class TA, so most of the support is being delivered in class by the teacher whose also trying to support 24 others, some of whom are in a similar situation to DD.

Not bashing the school at all, they're trying their best.