My 6 year old is crying about school

[ChildHatesSchool]

She’s year 2. Never really settled into Reception then covid hit. She hated home school as much as as she did real school, in the end her teacher asked us to focus on phonics, writing and maths work as she struggled so much, so we did school in the morning then fun in the afternoon.

She went back for a few weeks in 2020 but hated the bubbles and refused to go into the classroom and her teacher was banned from picking her up and putting her in so school withdrew her place. I know this made her worse as she was out of school for so long.

She went back for year 1 (new teacher) but her class had two periods of isolation so she got further behind. Then the second lockdown happened. She just crumbled with the second lockdown, she refused to pick up a pencil and do anything, no matter what I tried she refused, punishments didn’t work, encouragement from school and me didn’t work, even bribery didn’t work (I literally offered her £10 to buy toys or whatever she wanted if she tried to do some work and she refused).

Back for end of Year 1 and her class had 3 more periods of isolation.

Year 2 started (another new teacher) and everyday has been a battle to get her into school, screaming, crying, biting me, she’s hidden her uniform, hidden her shoes, she’s even deliberately wet herself on the way to school. We’ve been late by 5-10 minutes nearly every day. When asked why she just says she hates school and there’s no point trying because it’ll close again soon.

There have also been issues with the children who were in during lockdown, it isn’t all to do with DD, but those who were in during lockdown have progressed socially as normal and now tend to exclude those who weren’t in because they see them as babyish. She’s in a class of 25 and at one point in the second lot of school closures they had 18 in. We had to stop taking part in the zoom calls as DD would cry after them and start being violent because she could see all her friends in school but wasn’t allowed to see them or play with them and she didn’t understand.

I don’t recognise my child. She used to be so happy, would run into nursery without even looking back at me.

We’ve now got the Sunday night “I’m not going to school” crying, when asked specifically what she doesn’t like she says everything, it’s all too hard.

School estimate she’s around 2 years behind – her delay in settling into school (which apparently isn’t unusual) plus covid and the fact she’s had a new teacher every year but never been able to properly meet the teacher and see her new classroom. They think if it had just been a settling issue she’d have caught up by now. She hasn’t had any assessments as so many children need them now.

I am broken for her, I work and as a single parent I have no choice but to send her to school. I want to help her and make it better for her.

This isn’t a teacher bashing thread, in fact her teacher and headteacher have been fantastic, have tried everything they can to resettle her – friendship benches, lunchtime clubs, they even tried wraparound but it was just too much for her.

Any tips on helping her to like school again? She can’t read very well, and her writing is around the level of my 3 year old nephew, which really isn’t helping especially as the 18 who were in appear to be “on target” (I know this might just be DDs perception). I can’t go on like this.

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

If there are a few children who would benefit from reception style learning then could the school group them and do some reception curriculum and style learning for that whole group rather than trying to slot them into a reception class? Maybe even just a couple of sessions a week to give them a bit of a break.

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo will suggest this thank you

i've used a website - 'mentor jr' quite a lot for my dc.
it's free tutoring by secondary school students. Jessie who set it up is amazing, and if you message her and explain she would be able to find you a tutor who would be good for your dd.

Just thinking it might be nice to have someone who isn't a teacher/mum trying to get her up to speed? Perhaps the change in attitude would help to inspire her?

Let me know if you have any questions as I've used it a lot and it really is brilliant!

www.mentorjr.com

It might be worth asking SENDIASS about whether they feel she might qualify for an EHCP. They can help you with the process if needed. There are strict time limits that the council have to adhere to in considering whether to assess for an EHCP, so they won't be able to just fob you off like the school and Camhs. You don't need a formal diagnosis to be considered for an EHCP, her difficulties attending school and being on the waiting list for ed pysch should be enough I think, but SENDIASS would be able to let you know if this is an option. Seeking answers from local councillors and your MP about why referrals to ed psych and camhs are currently closed might also be worth a try. They need to be embarrassed into stumping up more money as it really isn't good enough. Your daughter needs and deserves a lot more help than she's currently getting.

Hi OP. No advice but my heart goes out to you. It's awful to see your child unhappy and struggling. Sounds so stressful. Good luck.

They have 1 TA delivering small group work, but as there's 3 classes per year and she's part time she only offers 1 morning or 1 afternoon per week per year group, and as the school are back in bubbles due to a big covid outbreak it means each child only gets 1 or 2 sessions per half term

The funding should stretch much further than this OP and your child seems to be in absolutely the sort of situation it is intended for.

Apply for an EHCNA yourself, IPSEA have a model letter you can use. The only legal threshold for an EHCNA is a) has or may have SEN, and b) may need SEN provision to be made via an EHCP. If the school need additional funding in the meantime to provide additional support have they applied for high needs tuition funding. An EHCNA includes assessments from e.g. Ed Psych without the need to sit on a waiting list, it can also include assessments from a psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, SALT, OT etc.

If DD is unable to attend school, including because of her mental health, the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative education as soon as it becomes clear DD will miss 15 days - the 15 days do not have to be consecutive.

Be wary of SENDIASS, some are good, too many are not and repeat the LA’s unlawful policies. IPSEA and SOSSEN are better.

What about asking her take some photos of stuff she's enjoyed over the weekend and asking the teacher if she can show the class? Or just her teacher.

My son (who is now 14 and has SEN) has had periods of school refusal due to anxiety. We have found a few things that help. He has a white board with days of the week on and every Sunday we write for every day something good that will happen or that is locking forward to. This could be having spaghetti for tea (his fave), computer class, a favourite TV show...anything. We also do a "treat" at the weekend for a successful week at school. Nothing big; just something he enjoys like a family board game. We make a big deal over his good days but also keep positive about the bad ones. No negative speak -we say never mind, we will try again tomorrow. When DS went through this at primary level school were great. We built up each day, so week one I would come in with him and we sat in reception for an hour looking at books together and then went home. Week two we built up to him being there without me with a TA for an hour doing similar in the school library. Week three was with a TA half day, some time in the classroom. It really worked. It's far easier if you have a supportive teaching staff and DS does have an EHCP so we did get that additional support. I know how tough it is, I remember DS screaming on the floor outside of school with me trying not to cry. The very best of luck to you.

@boomshakalacka

They have 1 TA delivering small group work, but as there's 3 classes per year and she's part time she only offers 1 morning or 1 afternoon per week per year group, and as the school are back in bubbles due to a big covid outbreak it means each child only gets 1 or 2 sessions per half term

The funding should stretch much further than this OP and your child seems to be in absolutely the sort of situation it is intended for.

My school 'purchased' two full time TAs with this funding to support so many children who struggled and continue to do so because of lock downs.

So sorry to hear about your situation and your poor daughter's unhappiness OP. I would look into unschooling - it's a form of home education where the child directs their own learning. It's brilliant for children who really don't work well in a school environment and kids who've been educated this way still go on to pass exams, go to uni, get professional jobs etc. There's a Guardian article here www.theguardian.com/education/2016/oct/11/unschool-children-monitor-home-schooling-education
Another great intro here: zenhabits.net/unschool/
And a great facebook group here where you can get an introduction to what unschooling is all about, or any kind of advice you're looking for:
www.facebook.com/groups/254085341320035
Good luck

It def feels like your school is underresourced and it could be worth considering other options

Our primary school has a whole class TA
In each class, some extras for 1-1 and there has also been various part time external help in this academic year.

Unless you actively want to EHE, I would be wary of deregistering. Parents often find it is ‘easier’ to get support when on a school’s roll, even if the child does not attend. Crudely, you are someone’s ‘problem’, whereas it is easier for others to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet when EHE. (I put easier in ‘ ‘ because it is not easy for anyone, but is easier when in school compared to those out of school.)

In defense of the school and the funding I don't think it's that they can't afford to provide more support, I think it's that they physically can't. They've had a teaching post and a TA post advertised for over a year appears in every newsletter school send out

I think it's just they haven't got the resources support the children so are doing their best.

I'm so sorry OP what a horrific pile of stress your child has been through. Has she had any one to one therapy or support?

My daughter was similar during lockdown lots of regression and tears and like yours multiple isolations which were very distressing for her but has settled in OK now into year 3.

I know you say school are helping but I have to ask what programme of support are they offering her to get her into school each day.? My child was offered to go in 10 mjns early and be in class helping.

Other thoughts. Home school or some sort of alternative like forest school etc and completely forget the formal stuff while she recovers and develops emotionally?

I know year 2 is so shit for some kids as it is a lot of pressure to write and read . She may need a break to fully recover

Maybe look at home school groups? I know mums who home school and work.

I'm in the same boat. My dd has two older brothers with SEN so I appealed to get her assessed. Not had the reports back yet

I was exactly the same as your daughter when I was younger (25 years ago)

I never settled properly into reception. I didn't understand why I was there or how to interact with the other children. I used to kick the doors and scream because I was desperately wanting to go home.

I moved to a school in a different area (we moved house) during the first term of year 1. I liked it better there and was happier (with just the occasional day of refusal). Then we moved back to our original area after 10 months. Rather than go back to the first school, my parents chose to send me to the school closer to our new house. In this school I had a male teacher (I'd always had female teachers before) and I really didn't like him. He used to shout a lot and would often take away playtime or other privileges for minor things (such as pencil shavings on the floor instead of the bin). I started refusing to go to school (I'd literally run back home everytime we left the house and would repeat this multiple times until my parents gave up)

It eventually it got to the point where the authorities became involved and the teachers started coming round to drag me kicking and screaming on some mornings (we lived only a few mins walk from the school) to get me to come in. The head teacher once pushed into the classroom, slammed the door and left me crying in the corner hysterical whilst the other kids were all sat at the tables. I felt humiliated and it didn't solve any problems (just created more because I remembered that and how I'd felt)

Eventually I got into Year 5 and was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. It didn't solve my problems overnight but with the right support in place (a named TA for a few days a week) things really did start to improve and I settled well at Secondary school with the set routine and good support.

Can you suggest a compromise to your daughter and the school of her doing half days for a while? So she goes in for the morning (example) and then you and her do something nice together afterwards? It might make it less daunting if she knows she doesn't have to manage the whole day.

Good luck

So sorry your DD is struggling so much - having been in a similar place, it is absolutely heartbreaking and isolating.

I would also look into dyslexia. I would speak to your SENCO and explore this. My dd was like yours and she had specific learning difficulties particularly working memory and processing (two others plus maybe dyspraxia/ASD). Her needs weren’t being met resulting in severe anxiety. Once her needs were met her anxiety reduced. It has been a battle to get school to understand her issues and of course then there’s no funding and a battle for an EHCP.

a few other things -

• if you go for a tutor find one that is a tutor who specialises in dyslexia/ splds (I didn’t and it was a disaster)
• Nessy and toe by toe are good for dyslexia and learning to read
• lots of support eg groups on Facebook

Good luck xx

@waterrat

I'm so sorry OP what a horrific pile of stress your child has been through. Has she had any one to one therapy or support?

My daughter was similar during lockdown lots of regression and tears and like yours multiple isolations which were very distressing for her but has settled in OK now into year 3.

I know you say school are helping but I have to ask what programme of support are they offering her to get her into school each day.? My child was offered to go in 10 mjns early and be in class helping.

Other thoughts. Home school or some sort of alternative like forest school etc and completely forget the formal stuff while she recovers and develops emotionally?

I know year 2 is so shit for some kids as it is a lot of pressure to write and read . She may need a break to fully recover

Maybe look at home school groups? I know mums who home school and work.

What we've tried

• Friendship benches - so if she's feeling a bit lonely at playtime she sits on the bench and whoevers on duty encourages a group from her class (still in bubbles so only her class outside) to include her, it does seem to have helped
• Breakfast club - She would go in for 8am, but it just made her even worse, she hated it and screamed and cried the whole time she was there. We tried slightly later (8.30 - school starts at 8.50 and wrap around kids are taken to class at 8.45) but had the same reaction
• Lunchtime clubs - they've been cancelled again now but they encouraged her to choose a club and go just to have something outside of lessons to do. She did one about board games and one about Lego or something can't remember exactly. They haven't restarted since she's been in year 2 though. She seemed to enjoy them but when I mentioned them again she wasn't bothered about going and it didn't help with encouraging her to go to school.
• Letting her go in through front office instead of via playground - didn't help at all, she still refused to go in

She's mostly behaving in school but won't even attempt work if she's left alone, she literally won't even try, and she's fine once home and at weekends it's just mornings are a nightmare. So I don't think ASD or anything like that. When asked why she won't work alone she says "It's too hard I can't do it"

@Namechange600

So sorry your DD is struggling so much - having been in a similar place, it is absolutely heartbreaking and isolating.

I would also look into dyslexia. I would speak to your SENCO and explore this. My dd was like yours and she had specific learning difficulties particularly working memory and processing (two others plus maybe dyspraxia/ASD). Her needs weren’t being met resulting in severe anxiety. Once her needs were met her anxiety reduced. It has been a battle to get school to understand her issues and of course then there’s no funding and a battle for an EHCP.

a few other things -

• if you go for a tutor find one that is a tutor who specialises in dyslexia/ splds (I didn’t and it was a disaster)
• Nessy and toe by toe are good for dyslexia and learning to read
• lots of support eg groups on Facebook

Good luck xx

@Namechange600 Thank you can't afford a tutor or any paid for apps really (DD does have some christmas money though and I'm sure my family wouldn't mind me spending it on those) really but will look into it.

Any facebook groups you can recommend?

Follow made by dyslexia, the British dyslexia association, Nessy, neurodiverse learner

If you put dyslexia into the search bar quite a few will come up. I’m in one that is called dyslexia - support for parents (think it is a Us one but there will be other UK ones too).

Also we found taking the pressure off - just celebrating what she could do was amazing. Eg is she into art? Being outdoors? Really important to big up anything that is outside school as it can drag them down so much.

Best of luck for you and your DD

@Namechange600

Follow made by dyslexia, the British dyslexia association, Nessy, neurodiverse learner

If you put dyslexia into the search bar quite a few will come up. I’m in one that is called dyslexia - support for parents (think it is a Us one but there will be other UK ones too).

Also we found taking the pressure off - just celebrating what she could do was amazing. Eg is she into art? Being outdoors? Really important to big up anything that is outside school as it can drag them down so much.

Best of luck for you and your DD

@Namechange600 Thank you will check them out

She does Swimming and Dance outside of school, she likes the swimming and has just moved up a stage but isn't so keen on dancing. She tried Rainbows but didn't like all the craft, and found the Beaver groups too boy heavy.

It's hard to know what else to try with her though. She can't read well but has a fantastic imagination, she makes up all kinds of games for her toys.

Hi OP. Here are a few things that have helped my DC (not exactly same situation so not sure if they’ll work for you).

• social challenges. 1:1 play dates really helped. One of mine is v late summer born and gets overwhelmed in groups.
• reading. What is her challenge with reading? Can she blend? Does she mix up some sounds from later stages in phonics?

Teach Your Monster was really great at this for us and I think if you play it on the computer it’s free. I’ve just discover they’re also offering a free version of their new book app.

• writing. We split the story telling (eg they record themselves or say it and you write it down) and the writing (handwriting) and spelling.

For fine motor (handwriting) It’s really hard when they hate colouring and playdoh and all the things people say are good for fine motor (one of mine hates all of this and always has). Dot to dot helped a bit for us and printing whatever pictures in the world they wanted to colour - there are gazillions of free colouring sheets online. Also I know it’s not free but Orchard games are brilliant.

@Rjw84

Hi OP. Here are a few things that have helped my DC (not exactly same situation so not sure if they’ll work for you).

• social challenges. 1:1 play dates really helped. One of mine is v late summer born and gets overwhelmed in groups.
• reading. What is her challenge with reading? Can she blend? Does she mix up some sounds from later stages in phonics?

Teach Your Monster was really great at this for us and I think if you play it on the computer it’s free. I’ve just discover they’re also offering a free version of their new book app.

• writing. We split the story telling (eg they record themselves or say it and you write it down) and the writing (handwriting) and spelling.

For fine motor (handwriting) It’s really hard when they hate colouring and playdoh and all the things people say are good for fine motor (one of mine hates all of this and always has). Dot to dot helped a bit for us and printing whatever pictures in the world they wanted to colour - there are gazillions of free colouring sheets online. Also I know it’s not free but Orchard games are brilliant.

@Rjw84 She's can't blend or decode at all, she will attempt it but then says the wrong word. So she will break down then as th-en but say "sheep" every teacher she's had has been very confused and concerned about it. She can read some words by sight but only very short or very predictable words like "the" us" "to" anything longer or more unpredictable she does the blending thing.

Sorry I have to go so nrtft but personally I would look for a school woth a year 1 space and move her down a year as she is behind socially and with the skills by the sound of it. She will struggle with work and friends so of course she hates it where she is. Let her start again.

Agree about 1 to 1 playdates closely monitored. When you say work alone do you mean at school ? I think if she is present and going in could the school be more tolerant for now? This is a child who is in many ways in need of reception stage entry to school with lots of play.

It is such a shame we are pushing overly formal learning in schools despite children suffering such social losses in the pandemic.

Given that most European countries don't even start formal learning til our year 3....we could really have taken a step back and allowed children to recover.

Is there a way to boost her social skills outside like at a good out of school activity...forest school or drama etc