Teenagers and grandparents... what do yours do together?

[workwoes123]

We live overseas and, thanks to Covid, haven't been back to the UK to see family for 2 full years. We's got two boys aged 14 and 11, so they were 9 and 12 when this started. We met up with one set of grandparents this summer past, and it was hard work. The children, especially the oldest, have grown up so much. The oldest has a phone, his own group of friends and interests - he's moving into typical teenager-ness. My dad in particular found this really hard to deal with - constantly commenting about how DS's 'always' on his phone, not joining in with jigsaws or board games, not spending enough time with my mum (who adores them but frankly is much more accepting of them as they are - former teacher). We don't have any other children in the family - my sister is child free, no other siblings - my parents really aren't used to being around teenagers / phones etc.

We are due to go to the UK for 2 weeks soon (Covid allowing). I'm partly dreading it. The point is to spend time with family, but I'm struggling to come up with plans of what to do that can keep 80 yr olds and 14 yr olds together. We will be staying with them part of the time. It will be easier as I'm sure my dad will disappear to his garage / workshop most of the time. But with DHs family, we still need to come up with things to do with his dad (80) that don't involve being in a house together - his flat is really small and small talk / tea / biscuits don't really hold anyone's interest.

So what do your teens do with their grandparents on holiday? When spending extended time together?

I think that you need to set your expectations with kids. They join in a game, and obviously meal times. But they are not expected to spend hours at it. If we're with grandparents teens are allowed to disappear to a different room with their phone once they have done a bit of chatting, unless it's a meal time.
Walks work well if grandparents are up to that.

mine usually are on phones but do interact with gp.
We live close to them though, my family have a buisness and My DC help out when we visit- Esp Ds ( Its a mechanical buisness)
My DPs have a lot of GC and have bought a lot of 'outside' toys over the years , they have the outdoor space to allow- My DP enjoy sitting outside watching the GC charge about too, so that has always helped.
I think that dc may need to participate in board games suggested with their Gp and the Gp accepts that a 14yr old enjoys his phone too.

It's very all-or-nothing - which doesn't help. We are either there 100% or not at all! I really didn't think DS was being unreasonable with his phone - he's there for mealtimes, he helps out when asked to set table / do dishes, he comes and joins us for a film, he'll sit and chat when invited. But he'd prefer to be left alone to chat to his friends. IDK what my dad is expecting - that he'll curl up beside his granny for a story??

I mentioned board games becuase we tend to play some in the summer. At my parents, nobody plays board games - certainly not my dad, ironically.

Interested in the responses to this.

I have 12 year olds and a widowed mother who they see weekly. They are close but dds want to be on their phones/with mates and also have a weekend sport commitment. They don't want to be talking about school work or going for walks. They love their grandma and still enjoy staying over and having 'girls nights' with her but they aren't 7 anymore.

DM keeps making noises about how my cousin keeps weekends as 'family time' with her teen boys and gets all upset when my one dd wants to watch a film with her rather than do colouring in or maths. Doesn't matter how many times I point out that watching s film is dds way of bonding and also my cousins kids are not mine and we get more family time in the week!

And breathe......

Nothing. They used to take them for walks when they were younger but don't offer any more, despite their grandparents being very active and able to do it. They think they're being nice grandparents letting them indulge in screen time.

I agree that occasional board games and meals would be a reasonable request for the teens. Failing that, unless they have shared interests or history it is harder.

Relationships work 2 ways. My 14 year old DD has an amazing relationship with one set of grandparents because they genuinely show an interest in her life and accept her for who she is. The other side is more strained and everyone is on their best behaviour which is much harder.

Our family live closy by but we are having the same issues with MIL. Boys are 12 and 9. She forgets they have grown up ans all they want to do is play computers or be with their mates. She comes out once a week and my sons are starting to resent it.

I think your dc need to suggest things, & then you can approach it with GPs. There might be an attraction the DC are interested in which the GPs could go along to. Theatre show etc
DC invites a friend who is likely to engage with the adults, encouraging DC to do so too? (If they have one).
Videogames together? Dc teaches GP what to do.

Mine do spend a lot of time on their phones, but after lunch on Boxing Day, MIL taught them how to play a card game, and three generations were sat around the table playing for an hour. It was nice.

My DC are age 12 to 16 and the four grandparents are 79 to 85 and I recognise some of what you say.

My parents like taking the DC to the theatre, and have booked tickets to a performance in the Easter holidays. My MIL is the one who is in the best physical shape of the four of them, and she sometimes goes for a bike ride with 14yo DD. We go for family walks with both sets of GPs and 12yo DS enjoyed flying a kite with my parents. At Christmas we found that "Weird Things Humans Search For" was a nice short game that worked for all generations. Going out for afternoon tea or fish and chips was a hit with everyone!

Basically it takes some compromise on both sides. The teenagers need to be warned in advance that they can't be on their phone for the whole visit, but the grandparents also need to be aware that things have changed and their grandchildren are growing up.

Will be interested in the replies to this. We’re just reaching this stage as mine aren’t quite teens yet, but I can already see the grandparents’ expectations no longer match the reality. DH’s parents have a house in a tiny village with a huge garden and in the past we’ve had many weekends there with the kids being perfectly happy running around outside there with paddling pools, building dens etc. They’ve invited us to stay for a week over Easter & I’m already thinking ‘but what will we actually do all that time?!’.

My DC haven’t seen MIL for 5 years due to her MH issues, and they rarely see my DM. When they do it’s for an hour.
We’re just not that close, and I can’t imagine staying with my DM.
Can you not get a cheap hotel or Airbnb ?

I think it's especially tough if you spend so much time apart and are then thrown together in a confined space ... my DS did lots with his DGPs but from the age of 10 they lived quite near us ... he played a a sport they enjoyed so a lot of time was taken up watching the sport (cricket so it took for ever ), they all enjoyed cards, board games, in more recent years my DS and his DGF would go walking together, my DF became a little confused so it was lovely to see my DS taking him for a walk.

We used to have good days out ... meals out, cinema trips, theatre etc. my DS would also do 'jobs' for my parents, car washing - that sort of thing ... to earn money ! My DS is studying the same subject that my DF did at Uni so that involved some good discussions, and one thing my DPs did was give him a modest sum of money to invest in shares and discuss how they were performing!

It's a tricky balance, but looking back I am sure I spent hours in my bedroom listening to Radio Caroline instead of more time with my own DGPs!

My DC 14, 16 don't see their GP often enough but they are really close. They chat about all sorts together, go for walks, play games etc chat on the phone. They are very involved and have even been on holiday together just the GP and DC. My DC do spend time on their phones and laptops too for hours on end when they visit which the DGP accept and get their heads around as being acceptable behaviour for teens. But it's a relaxing atmosphere when they're together and the PP makes me realise now that we're lucky one set of DGP are so proactive as the other set are sweet and kind but less interested in my DC than their DD DC who they dote on far more.

My DF died last year but one of my happiest memories is him teaching my DS to play chess .. my DF was amazed to hear how my DS played chess online during lockdown, so although my DF would never had been able to do that himself he loved hearing about it and learning from my DS about how technology developed things ...

They've been theatre trips, museum trips, shopping trips, restaurants and all sorts with the DGP alone.

None of this though have they ever done with the other set of DGP

We have a similar set up, thanks to Covid my in-laws haven't seen DD (now 14) for 3 years now and we hope to go in February half-term.

They interact with via Skype and WhatsApp, so they have an idea what she does for hobbies but I am pretty sure the visit will be very different to previous years.

We hope to go out for at least one, maybe two days but FIL is not up to longer excursions as he is 88 and due to being CV I assume he may want to avoid too much indoor activities, so public transport and a museum may not be the best idea.

I so far assume that DD will be with us for mealtimes, play a game, help with cooking and shopping but also will spend time on her phone/laptop and chat with friends.

Ragwort and some others sound like it's a two way relationship with something in between which seems lovely.

That sounds like an ideal relationship.

I also think a key word here is accepting them, the dc as they are.

At that age, we saw our grandparents at meals and for the occasional outing when we were staying with them but that was all that was expected of us. Even when we went shopping with my mum and grandmother, we'd just go off on our own (DGM would usually give us some spending money) and meet them afterwards. Occasionally, I would bake or do some cooking with my grandmother but it wasn't expected and I was given the choice. I really miss them.

I think it depends on the personalities of all involved. I think setting your own expectations low is a good starting place. So mealtimes, spending a bit of time together and so on. If there is something that is a common interest maybe they could spend time chatting about that.

But apart from this I find visits with grandparents very draining. Especially when you're a young teen and all you want fo do is chat with your friends and not spend time with with boring grandparents who ramble on about rubbish for ages.

I would just see how it goes to take the pressure off of things.

My parents are in early 60s so a bit different my Dad takes the boys cycling or plays similar games to them on the pc. They watch films, play cards or risk.

We all have National trust and English heritage memberships so go to a lot of places like that.

One side are physically able to do walks, theatre trips, shopping trips etc which works for my dds. They are also good at tech, so online Scrabble or chess work as a way of keeping in touch, too. Or they will play board or card games, or watch a film or some sport (they don’t like sport, but show an interest in anything their DGC like) if we are together in person.

The other side is harder - currently mostly relies on bribing them with cake to visit, and a bit of joint sewing / crafting.

It all depends on the health and fitness of the grandparents I think - if they’re fairly active then going out places will work best - my teen neices have a great relationship with grandparents, and are very happy to go to national trust type places for a walk, or to castles/museums/theatre etc, but then when home they do spend a lot of time on phones, but that’s fine with GP so works out ok.
Like a pp said though, it helps massively that the GP take an interest in their lives other than just “How’s school?” and take them as they are!

This is a short visit. The GPs haven't seen them for a long time, and won't see them again for a long time after this.

To be honest I think you need to have a talk with your kids. This isn't something they're going to have to do every Sunday for the rest of their lives. But they do need to try to understand that their GPs love them, have missed them (during a really stressful time) and will REALLY be looking forward to seeing them. Your kids are young, they won't really understand the GP love, but they do need to understand that they have to step up in this kind of situation.

It won't kill them to halve their phone time, and put their GP's feelings first. It really won't.

I'd find as many days out/walks etc to do as you can, if they're not the sort of people to play games etc. Or cook something together? Get properly involved in what's being done rather than just helping to tidy up afterwards?

It's a shame to have to couch it as an obligation, but it might become less so as they get more involved with their GPs rather than their phones, as with a bit of praise here and there, or a comment about 'how much granny enjoyed that chat with you/you helping cook dinner with her' they might actually enjoy it.