Teenagers and grandparents... what do yours do together?

[workwoes123]

We live overseas and, thanks to Covid, haven't been back to the UK to see family for 2 full years. We's got two boys aged 14 and 11, so they were 9 and 12 when this started. We met up with one set of grandparents this summer past, and it was hard work. The children, especially the oldest, have grown up so much. The oldest has a phone, his own group of friends and interests - he's moving into typical teenager-ness. My dad in particular found this really hard to deal with - constantly commenting about how DS's 'always' on his phone, not joining in with jigsaws or board games, not spending enough time with my mum (who adores them but frankly is much more accepting of them as they are - former teacher). We don't have any other children in the family - my sister is child free, no other siblings - my parents really aren't used to being around teenagers / phones etc.

We are due to go to the UK for 2 weeks soon (Covid allowing). I'm partly dreading it. The point is to spend time with family, but I'm struggling to come up with plans of what to do that can keep 80 yr olds and 14 yr olds together. We will be staying with them part of the time. It will be easier as I'm sure my dad will disappear to his garage / workshop most of the time. But with DHs family, we still need to come up with things to do with his dad (80) that don't involve being in a house together - his flat is really small and small talk / tea / biscuits don't really hold anyone's interest.

So what do your teens do with their grandparents on holiday? When spending extended time together?

The How's school question is really grating on me with my in laws and my own dc.

Both my DC grandparents are still young so they do lots of activities together however when we go to visit great nan who’s older, Dc tend to sit on technology and she tends to just over feeds them with chocolate and biscuits. Occasionally they may play a card game together. If we do go out and about with her it’s usually for food or day trips with all family to beaches or theatre or National Trust places.

My expectation when they were that age was to eat together and we occasionally did theatre trips.

If my parents commented on phone use I was firm in gently telling them to butt out.

Nothing except talk

Kids used to not have phones. What did they do when visiting their grandparents then?

That's not a dig. I'm actually trying to remember. But it does also make clear that phones aren't absolutely vital, and that asking kids to play their part and reduce their phone time a bit to make someone happy for a short visit isn't an unreasonable ask.

@KirkstallAbbess

My expectation when they were that age was to eat together and we occasionally did theatre trips.

If my parents commented on phone use I was firm in gently telling them to butt out.

Seriously, your only ask was that they eat together? Eating together is a norm. If that's all their grandparents got from them, that's enormously sad. I suspect that when you're a grandparent you will hope for more.

My parents live in a big house out in lovely countryside. Neither of them have the remotest interest in ‘days out’, we never did them when I was a child. Ditto theatres, cinema (my mum once said “we’re not really ‘video’ kind of people, are we?’). Eating out, yes we can do that but tbh there rather not. Neither are physically up to long walks, though there is always gardening to do. We will definitely go for walks, we’ll have a bonfire and a sausage sizzle in the garden, DS2 loves baking so he will do that. Maybe DS1 could be persuaded to cook a meal - he’s the tricky one because he is all about his friends atm.

You are totally right that it’sa two way street. My dad, introvert though he is, had a tough time through Covid and he has agreed a lot on two years. He wasn’t at his best in the summer, and I’m hoping he’ll be a bit more accepting when he’s on his own turf.

Sara doesn't it depend on so much?
Sitting around with adult catching up is so boring for them.
Other gp may do things... Eg come and help me cook.. Go out and do things.

Sitting around with spot lights on dc expecting them to perform is the worst.

I remember around 14 my Dad telling me that I should pay attention to my relationship with my grandparents because they wouldn’t be there forever. Something clicked and I made the effort to talk to them and my teenage self realised very quickly that they are the best people EVER!

Three out of four had a basically unconditional and unlimited interest in my life and clearly loved hearing me chat about it and the fourth shared his fairly niche interests in an interesting and engaging way (a niche sport that he took us to watch and also chatted to about his own escapades as a youngster).

When I passed my driving test at 17 they were the first people I drove to, to show I could do it and I basically continued visiting them independently from then on- I realised that we both had more fun without my parents around- my grandparents loved to hear my tales of what me and friends got up to and shared their own teenage escapades, whereas my parents would have disapproved! We realised that element of grandparents having all the fun parts of parenting without any discipline applies in adulthood too!

I was devastated to lose both Grandad’s at 20 but I would say my independent relationship with my grandmothers has deepened since. I am now 29 and they are 86 and 83 and genuinely consider them close friends. I visit both of them at least every other week and we chat about life. I share my excitement in planning my wedding, they are always interested in my career although we have a laugh that they don’t know exactly what I do (work in IT!), one of them always has plenty of tales to tell me about the other residents in her supported accommodation and the other is currently sharing with me some family history that has been written up by her sister.

I am very grateful my Dad gave me a nudge about it as a teen, for a small investment, they are some of the best friends I will ever have.

You need to talk to your son op and also your dad!

Mine are 13 & 15 and it definitely is a tricky balance

They know it's no phones at mealtimes and conversation is expected

Some board games still work and cards
Going for a walk and getting coffee/hot chocolate & a cake

Best bet is ask the dc and the gp for 5 suggestions of things to do

If by a miracle some match - great!
Otherwise they gain some understanding of what each other likes and have to agree to do at least one off each of the others' list

Clear expectations that everyone will need some time out & alone time before you go

@user1471548941

That's so heart warming!! They sound like so much fun and genuinely accepting of who you are.

Unfortunately not all grandparents are like that, they are just people after all.

My in laws for instance don't chat to my dc like that, they more like tell them what they want which languages they want them to learn what education attained from grandpa etc.

They don't chat and would be incredibly disapproving if my dc said they did naughty things and also I don't feel the love is unconditional. Your very very lucky to have such wonderful gp and it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with grandma

Yep. It just seems like the onus is on the grandparents to be accepting. Maybe the teenagers could learn to be accepting of their grandparents needs too?

I'll admit that we were lucky. Phones weren't as all pervasive when mine were that age, my in-laws (who were the ones we would need to go and stay with due to distance) were just really warm people who it was easy for my DDs to engage with, and maybe 30% of the time their cousins were there too, so there was a certain informal turn taking of engagement with the GPs.

But we did always encourage the relationships, and talk to our kids about how much their GPs loved them and how much they appreciated their company.

Both remaining GPs are in care facilities now, one just a shell due to Alzheimer's, and the other somewhat difficult. But my adult kids still visit them occasionally (and they're 2-3 hours away) because they've grown up with understanding the importance of the relationship.

My DC are 13, 10 & 7, so DS1 certainly fits the age bracket.

We see all grandparents fairly regularly & they are are bit younger, though - late 60s-early 70s & all fit & healthy. MIL sadly passed away from dementia in the summer & it was very different with her.

My parents, who we see weekly, often for an hour or two but can be all day. They also provide childcare overnight when needed (couple of times a year) DM aged 68 does baking & cooking with all the boys. Gives them jobs to do in the big garden. They have lots of outdoor toys eg trampoline, full size football goal, archery set, so boys play on those a lot in decent weather. Also have their own veg patch in the garden which they tend with my parents. With my Dad, 72, they do gardening & help clean/mend motorbike & cars or do any fixing jobs. Then all together they will occasionally go for a walk in the big country park nearby or paddle in the stream. Board games if poor weather. They don't tend to go on days out, occasionally visit nearby relatives or cemetery to tend graves. Ds1 doesn't really use his phone there, the others don't have them.

With FIL, 69, we tend to see him once a month and/or school holidays, for 2 nights plus at a time. We all play lots of board games together whilst there. He watches a lot of football & supports the same team as DH & DS1 so they watch together - mostly on TV but sometimes live matches. He always takes us all for a pub breakfast which all DC love. We usually go for a big walk to a country park. Sometimes visit relatives/friends, including going to church & social afterwards. Stroll round a car boot sale. As we are there for a few days, DS1 does have his phone there. Is limited to 3 hours absolute max per day (as he is at home).

With my Nan (DCs great-grandmother), who is recently widowed at 91, DS1 sees her every weekday. His school is just around the corner from her. He pops in for half an hour after school & does any chores she needs like drawing curtains, making tea etc. He listens to her tales about growing up in the wartime & my mum as a child & my grandad, who died last month. She feeds him illicit biscuits & buys in J2o just for him to drink & loves to hear about school & Scouts. It is very sweet. He does go on his phone a little, but maybe a few mins whilst he is there.

Two DS's - 13 and 18

My parents - fairly young, we tend to see them for longer stints and the boys are pretty good at joining in with board games or going out for dog walks. My parents have been hands on in the past and have taken DS1 away abroad, taking DS2 away in the next couple of years. They do both spend time on phones etc when we visit, but Mum and Dad are both quite relaxed about that.

My husbands parents - totally different kettle of fish - almost a generation older than my parents (FIL 20 years older than my mum), old fashioned in their ways - only go for an hour or two, no TV allowed on, formal small talk. DS1 is good at keeping people happy and talking about studies etc, DS2 is painfully shy so finds the set up very awkward . TBH in laws might not like it (they haven't said anything), but i turn a blind eye to DS2 being on his phone whilst there. Generally he is playing on something like Google earth so hardly anything horrendous! It's very awkward for him to sit there and listen to a lot of adult talk.
They've never had DS2 over for a sleepover, or even without us. DS1 has been for a sleepover when we were desperate for childcare when DS2 was going through serious illness. They are pretty hands off, very formal grandparents.

Nothing really - our 14 year old only has his 91 year old Granny left . When we do go to visit they chat for a bit, but that’s about it.

My Mum was great with the old 2 as children but she died when they were young teens. Our youngest didn’t really know her. My dad has serious MH issues so didn’t see him (his choice) and my FIL died of Parkinson’s a long time ago and wasn’t able to do anything with them.

I think any (positive) relationship they can have with their grandchildren is valuable - teens will naturally pull away from their parents and grandparents, but as long as they know that they have to engage with the DGP to some level then I think it’s fine.

When our DC were young and we visited GPs we took games and books with us. GD liked to go for walks with them and play board games. I’m a fit grandparent and I cook with our GC; do crafts eg painting; and take them to museums. I find that our GC just like hanging out with us. The youngest has discovered Bake Off! WE also go out for cheap lunches - the Harvester is very popular!

Sorry - how about a large jigsaw everyone can do?

We holiday with DM a couple of times a year and go out each day to do something together plus are together for meals and usually a board game but otherwise we relax however we want (chat, phones, film, reading, crosswords). Outings that work well include gentle sport (eg crazy golf, disc golf), theatre, boat trip, castle, NT, drive somewhere scenic and DM takes short walk then looks at view and/or visits cafe, DC plus parents do longer walk. Key things are accepting we are all different from when DC were tiny (DM less active, DC and us more on screens!), spending some time together and some apart.

Bake Off has been a great focus for my youngest with his relatives in the UK! We share videos and photos of his latest creations with them.

Jigsaws … DS1 just isn’t interested in them. Ditto most board games - once he’s done them once, he’s done - especially if he wins. I think btw him and my dad there is a generation and a personality clash - DS1 is a sociable extrovert, DF is a fairly misanthropic introvert. DS1 has always loved them to bits - first grandchild - and them him. But time, distance and growing up are changing things.

I’m going to talk to them all for sure, thanks for all the ideas.

Oh and trips / days out.. they (my parents) just aren’t interested - they never have been. Plus we are going to Scotland in February - the weather is usually dire which puts the kibosh on a lot of activities unf.

@workwoes123

Oh and trips / days out.. they (my parents) just aren’t interested - they never have been. Plus we are going to Scotland in February - the weather is usually dire which puts the kibosh on a lot of activities unf.

I think this is a two way street.

If they are active I would be booking some sort of day out and telling your parents that you are all going out for the day. It’s not fair for your children to be cooped up and have restrictions placed on their behaviours when your parents don’t do completely normal things like a walk out or theatre.

I don’t mean a water park or a ghost walk- just a national trust for afternoon tea.

Not much point in national trust for afternoon tea: they live on the edge of a hunting / shooting / fishing estate, complete with lakes, ponds, rivers, woods, footpaths and plenty wildlife. And they have a Nespresso machine. Why would they drive and pay money to share that experience with loads of other people?

Days out are more likely to be DH and I taking the boys away for the day, just to give us all a break from each other. Then we reconvene for dinner with something to talk about. Which is fine too.

I know my parents sound weird in this respect. It's normal for me though. We don't do much as a family either, as in day trips etc.

Op so why not the hunting shooting fishing then??

I've just remembered why: my dad was a farmer, 7/7 job so being away for a whole day (especially anything frivolous :-)) just didn't happen .