Teenagers and grandparents... what do yours do together?

[workwoes123]

We live overseas and, thanks to Covid, haven't been back to the UK to see family for 2 full years. We's got two boys aged 14 and 11, so they were 9 and 12 when this started. We met up with one set of grandparents this summer past, and it was hard work. The children, especially the oldest, have grown up so much. The oldest has a phone, his own group of friends and interests - he's moving into typical teenager-ness. My dad in particular found this really hard to deal with - constantly commenting about how DS's 'always' on his phone, not joining in with jigsaws or board games, not spending enough time with my mum (who adores them but frankly is much more accepting of them as they are - former teacher). We don't have any other children in the family - my sister is child free, no other siblings - my parents really aren't used to being around teenagers / phones etc.

We are due to go to the UK for 2 weeks soon (Covid allowing). I'm partly dreading it. The point is to spend time with family, but I'm struggling to come up with plans of what to do that can keep 80 yr olds and 14 yr olds together. We will be staying with them part of the time. It will be easier as I'm sure my dad will disappear to his garage / workshop most of the time. But with DHs family, we still need to come up with things to do with his dad (80) that don't involve being in a house together - his flat is really small and small talk / tea / biscuits don't really hold anyone's interest.

So what do your teens do with their grandparents on holiday? When spending extended time together?

I agree with pp - plan some days out and make it clear that the grandparents are welcome to join in. If they don't want to come, and then moan about the DC being on their phones too much when they're back at the house, you can make it clear that if they wanted to engage with the DC they should have come on the organised trip. It's their choice!

Just because they didn't go on days out when you were a child doesn't mean they can't now!

My dc ( pre-teen 12&11 -but very teen-like) involve their grandparents when they're messing around on their tablets/phones.
They'll show them the funny face-change apps etc and whilst I'm sure my parents aren't really interested they do show interest and both parties look happy and entertained ( gps don't feel like they're being in left out or ignored).

Hi :) when I was a teen, this might be controversial but I used to play texas hold em poker with my grandad.
My parents would give me 20 quid or so and he would teach me how to play, count cards , bluff etc etc and it was quite fun because its not something I could do with my parents.
Grandad also bought great sweets / chocolate ( I wasn't allowed full fat coke so spending Sundays gambling with full fat coke and playing poker was a treat)
Perhaps I'll get flamed for this but we built a great bond over it

As a young teen I can remember teaching my grandma and grandad how to play a video game and it was hilarious. They were fabulous.

Could your son show his grandad how to play some games on his phone if both are willing? Just an idea.

We played gambling card games too .

@SmallElephant

I agree with pp - plan some days out and make it clear that the grandparents are welcome to join in. If they don't want to come, and then moan about the DC being on their phones too much when they're back at the house, you can make it clear that if they wanted to engage with the DC they should have come on the organised trip. It's their choice!

Totally agree

It absolutely works both ways, if GP's expect GC to be interested in them, they need to show an interest in GC interests or respect that several hours of political discussion might not be for them

It's a shame as we lost my father in law last year and he was just starting to show an interest in DS1's interest in cars - he'd save newspaper clippings with new cars in it etc

@saraclara you know nothing about my family or parents or family so why would you offer that opinion?

@workwoes123

I've just remembered why: my dad was a farmer, 7/7 job so being away for a whole day (especially anything frivolous :-)) just didn't happen .

But there’s no reason why they can’t do that now.

Plan some days out and say they are welcome to come. Why can’t it be the hunting, shooting, fishing you suggested if you had all of that nature on your doorstep? A pub lunch with a walk? Or do a trip to the next town for a cinema or theatre trip?

I am usually of the mind that children should make an effort with grandparents and family- but it’s simply not fair to have your dad moaning about the phone use when they are sat in their living room all day.

Maybe get them involved with more grown up games- poker, cards, chess, darts, music quiz?
Otherwise depends on what the kids are into- cooking, baking, looking at old photos, theatre, cinema, walking
I think grandparents have to accept that teens spend less time with the adults in their family than younger kids do but can still plan some quality time in.

Ours live far enough away that we don’t see them that often. When we do, they have a chat, disappear for a bit, come back and have another chat etc. Meals are together and in the evening we might play cards or other adult type games.

I remember how much I hated being forced to spend time with my grandparents through my teenage years. 5 or 6 hours every Sunday of making small talk about school and staring at the wall while the adults chatted.

Like you my dc enjoyed visits to their grandparents as small children because we could escape to the swings or play in the garden. They're 12 and 14 now and it's getting harder and harder to get them to go. Grandparents aren't local either so there's no popping in for an hour. Problem is due to my own experience I sympathise more with my children than my parents!

Online escape room or if they are fit enough a real one. Crazy golf. Going to the zoo or aquarium. My neighbour 84 likes taking my son to mini golf whilst I do shopping with my daughter's and we then meet somewhere for lunch or coffee.

Card games, go swimming, go out for "brunch", bake cakes, do puzzles (jigsaw/paper puzzles) etc.
When younger they did different things.

Food. Cook/eat together

@mummyof2boys30

Our family live closy by but we are having the same issues with MIL. Boys are 12 and 9. She forgets they have grown up ans all they want to do is play computers or be with their mates. She comes out once a week and my sons are starting to resent it.

Your sons resent spending a couple of hours with their NaN once a week ?🙄. They sound very bratty

We're lucky in that all of our parents have been happy to take the kids as they come with no expectation.

They spend a lot of time with my mum, who, much to my surprise, has taken on the 'helpless little Granny' role to encourage them to spend time helping her out with jobs around the house and garden. They spend most of their time on tea break eating Tunnocks. She loves them to bits, but she knows they can't sit nattering with her for hours, so she draws them up there with tasks that need completing and gets to talk to them more naturally as they work than if they were sitting around. She always tells them to go with the better offer if they get one though, there's no obligation.

The in-laws (who we rarely see) are less interested, but they don't criticise the kids for phones - in fact they're quite interested in being shown games and funny videos etc. They don't leave the house which limits opportunities for fun, but it's so rare that we visit that it's manageable.

My DC are 16 and 13 and both are close to my parents, who have stepped in to uplift me as a single parent by picking up from school, providing childcare on holidays, attending school plays when I couldn’t get there etc. The DC treat my parents house as their second home really and are happy to potter about doing pretty ordinary stuff and are now at the age where they can help out eg my 16 year old helped my 75 year old dad stain the wooden shed! They play cards, board games, do jigsaws, bake/cook with my mum, take the dog for a walk together, watch quiz shows on TV, go to the theatre and then sometimes the DC will faff around on phones or laptops and that’s ok too.

HELP me, not uplift me 😂🤦‍♀️

We are in almost exactly the same situation as you OP.
Watching crap British tv worked, stupid card games, a little baking in one household. Shopping for British foods and chocolate.

Hanging out with pets and cooking in another.
We also just went out every day in the rain, although we had to buy wellies first and borrow coats.

My still active parents lived very close to us when my boys were teenagers. My dad was a whizz at fixing things so always had a project on the go that they could help with, he had no problem with them using proper tools while he supervised. They used to ride round on their bikes and he would help them fix them. Both he and my mum were always up to date with their hobbies and interests so weren’t just asking about school all the time. My mum used to make up picnics and they would all sit in the garden and just chill, which was nice in their stressful exam years. My parents would talk about how things were when they were teenagers but always seemed to do it in a fun way.
On cold days they would play card games and my boys became quite the card sharks. They would also make popcorn and watch a film together. My in-laws lived in the country and had a ride on lawn mower which my boys loved to ride around on, my FIL had a whole shed of woodworking tools so they used to whittle away at things together. Even as teenagers they like to dam up the wee river that flowed through their garden.
So in our case it was doing things together that formed the bond and my boys may have been unusual but they weren’t always glued to their phones.