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Original poster

DS giving up on sports, hobbies - what can I do? AIBU to be so upset?

67 replies

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 08/01/2022 12:23

DC 15 has a real talent at running - he's a county runner. Over the last few months he's been less and less keen to train. He has a sore knee on and off - growing pains - and has seen a physio for this. He has been given stretching exercises to do that will help - he says he does these but I don't think he does.

He has history of getting really into something for a couple of years then losing interest and going off it and moving on to something else. Often these are expensive jobies, but not always - think rugby, electronics, collecting things eg pokemon cards, exotic pets, etc.

He's always given up easily if something doesn't come easily to him. It's always frustrated the hell out of me.

An important race is today. We had entered ds - he wanted to, we talked about it - but because he doesn't think he'll do well, he has refused to go. He won't engage and talk to me to tell me how he feels, and I'm getting so frustrated with him. He's letting himself down, his coach, and us.

We're still paying training fees and he hasn't been training for months! I've asked if he wants to give up and he just strugs and mumbles dunno.

AIBU to be so disappointed that dc didn't race today? I've really missed live running and going and meeting up with the other parents, watching races and supporting the runners. There were no races last year and I'd been looking forward to this, and now, nothing.

I feel that I'm over-reacting here in being so over-invested in dc's sport, and wanted to check.

So, how to encourage dc not to give up on everything, how to make him see there are consequences for his actions (eg what happens to pets he can't be bothered looking after any more?), and AIBU? But be gentle...

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 08/01/2022 12:30

At 15, I think he's old enough to make his own decisions. I understand your disappointment and the sense of loss that you might be feeling if you enjoyed going along to watch, but you need to respect his decision.

Obviously, you can't keep paying for his trai ing if he isn't engaging, though, so he needs to make a decision. Let him know that he needs to either commit or quit, that it's genuinely up to him, but that it isn't an option to carry on in a half arsed manner.

AlexaShutUp · 08/01/2022 12:31

The pets are a different issue, I think, as there are consequences for other living things. I think he needs to carry on taking responsibility for those whether he likes it or not.

toomuchlaundry · 08/01/2022 12:31

I think you are slightly over invested if one of your complaints is that you are missing the social side. Get interests separate from your teenager

Stop paying for training if he isn’t going, or ask him to contribute to the costs

How is he at school! Important at this age to be concentrating on his studies. Nice to have hobbies as well though

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DropYourSword · 08/01/2022 12:32

We're still paying training fees and he hasn't been training for months! I've asked if he wants to give up and he just strugs and mumbles dunno.

He’s already given up, hasn’t he. I think he’s just worried about your reaction.
Gently, I think it’s a bit unfair that parents don’t allow children to explore new things and then move on from them. I don’t think there’s anything wrong from developing new interests, having fun with them for a while and then dropping them.
I get that pets are a slightly different thing - but with running, rugby etc I think it makes sense to do it when you enjoy it and stop when you don’t.
Part of the problem sounds like it’s the expenses associated with these things and maybe that’s where you could focus on him taking more responsibility. At 15 he should be really starting to finance his own interests a lot more independently and not just leaning on you.

Palavah · 08/01/2022 12:33

You need to separate your enjoyment of/disappointment about missing the bits around DS racing, from DS's enjoyment of it or otherwise.

It sounds as though he's got a fear of failure/pain/disappointment.

At home how do you talk about trying things/not winning at things? Do you reward effort and consistency as much as results?

toomuchlaundry · 08/01/2022 12:33

What happens with the pets if he is not looking after them?

RomeosGone · 08/01/2022 12:33

At 15, he is probably better concentrating on his GCSEs anyway. Has he got mocks at the moment?

Scarby9 · 08/01/2022 12:36

I agree that he either needs to commit or quit. I suspect his choice will be to quit, unfortunately.
But you could continue in supporting the sport. A friend's children were into athletics and he took them to training and competitions week in, week out. He began to officiate at junior events. When they gave up, he continued to volunteer at the club and to take whatever opportunities came up. He ended up officiating for field sports at the 2012 Olympics!
I know it is disappointing, but he does have the right to choose.

BobbieT1999 · 08/01/2022 12:38

We're still paying training fees and he hasn't been training for months! I've asked if he wants to give up and he just strugs and mumbles dunno*

I agree with the previous replies you've had but also feel strongly that this behaviour is wrong. If he doesn't want to do something then that's fine, he doesn't need to continue his hobby but he does need to see through commitments he's made to other people and letting his coach down like this just because he feels like it is really out of order.

He also needs to accept the responsibility of you being out fees etc when he's not bothering. You don't say how you've approached this with him before but I'm leaning towards a short sharp shock.

If he wants to give up a hobby that's fine, but he can't abdicate his commitments to other people, he must see those through and cancelling on the day without a bloody good reason is awful behaviour.

NatriumChloride · 08/01/2022 12:38

It’s a difficult one. At times it comes across as though you’re over-invested, but in your shoes I’d be pretty disappointed too. However you need to explain clearly that if he no longer wants to train you’ll stop paying training fees and he will no longer have membership to the running club etc. He needs to understand that he needs to make a decision, and keeping an active membership without him using it and training regularly is not an option anymore.
Once he has made his decision you need to respect that. He’s 15 and it looks like his interests and hobbies are continually changing anyway.

MMMarmite · 08/01/2022 12:39

It's a hobby, not an obligation. Let him quit if he's not keen.

I think there's nothing wrong with trying a lot of different things then stopping them. If I take up a new hobby, doesn't mean I'll do it forever, and it's still worthwhile for the fun and skills I learn at the time.

But you do need to manage financial commitments sensibly. Perhaps work out what total budget per year you are willing to spend on his hobbies and equipment, then let him choose - when it's gone it's gone, and if he spends it all on a piece of equipment he doesn't use, he'll learn from that (or he'll get good at selling his things on eBay!). And no more pets!

HoldingTheDoor · 08/01/2022 12:39

You need to find your own hobby and stop living vicariously through him. It's understandable that you'd enjoy the social side of it but it isn't his job to provide that for you. Or if you want to continue seeing your social group there, can you volunteer to help out at events?

It's normal to move on from things, whether as a child, teen or adult. We all change and our interests change with it. You said that he has these interests for a few years, which is a very reasonable length of time. It's not as though he's trying them for just a few weeks.

Pets though are different. I hope that he's being held to account there
They're his responsibility for the rest of their lives, whether it's a stick insect or a snake.

He has to give you a decision soon though, if he continues or not. It isn't fair for you to keep paying out fees for events that he isn't attending. So I'd give him an ultimatum and if he's still wishy washy then I'd stop paying the fees and tell his coach that he's done.

Iheartmysmart · 08/01/2022 12:40

You are definitely not being unreasonable about the pets. Any living creature is a responsibility for their lifetime and not just a whim.

DS was really good at a martial art when he was younger. His instructor was very keen for him to enter competitions and events which he did for quite a while. Got all his belts and really enjoyed it until he got bored at around the same age as your DS.

Understandably it was a bit disappointing for all concerned as a lot of time and effort had gone into training etc. but it wasn’t our decision to make.

Weirdly now DS is 20 he’s really got into kickboxing and wonders why he gave up his other sport in the first place. It might just be that this is purely for exercise and fun and there’s no pressure.

NoSquirrels · 08/01/2022 12:40

This is separate to him giving things up - try to keep the two things clear in your mind.

It’s a shame you’re missing out on a social thing and that you’ve presumably invested effort in and had proud parenting moments over. But - your DS is an individual and he can’t be expected to carry on to please you. The motivation and pleasure for him must be intrinsic. Especially at 15.

Stop paying for training. You’re asking but you should be telling on this one. Not going = no longer paying.

The faddy approach to hobbies and interests is not necessarily a problem - unless it involves live animals, and if it has then I certainly wouldn’t be facilitating any further pets for him. But taking up a lot of different things, pursuing them to an enjoyable level but not a permanent commitment is something plenty of people - children AND adults - do without ill effect. He’s curious and does have interests. You never know which ones he’ll go back to in later life.

NoSquirrels · 08/01/2022 12:46

If he wants to give up a hobby that's fine, but he can't abdicate his commitments to other people, he must see those through and cancelling on the day without a bloody good reason is awful behaviour.

I do agree with this, though. In anything our DC have done we’ve stressed it’s OK to stop if they want to but they have to honour the initial commitment properly - whether that’s doing a whole term of something if they’re signed up, going to rehearsals or training at inconvenient times or telling the coaches or teachers themselves about issues. You don’t teach anything by allowing them to drop in and out, it’s one or the other.

thetinsoldier · 08/01/2022 12:47

Thank you all for being kind and for such sensible, thoughtful advice. I'm going to read all your messages again.

It's just frustrating because dc is talented at sports - winning races, top 30 in the country sort of thing - and some people would kill for his natural talent. I've never won a race in my life! And in my mind he's wasting his talent.

I want to emphasise to him that hard work and commitment are just as important. Dh and I have done this but dc is so stubborn and it goes in one ear and out the other.

BogRollBOGOF · 08/01/2022 12:47

It sounds like he needs a break and a chance to rehab. Is there another sport/ activity that he can do fairly casually for a while to keep his fitness up and recover from his injuries.

If you're missing the social side of it, why not volunteer with parkrun. That then creates a casual opportunity for him to go with you and to run on his own terms.

Would he be able to return to the club if he left for a while?

irene9 · 08/01/2022 12:51

Sounds like a perfectly normal teenager to me. He's probably sick of the pressure to perform.
It's his choice. Maybe you've built a chunk your life around his running so best to build something for yourself away from your kids. It's normal for teens to separate from their parents and start identifying with their peers. Part of that is pushing back on demands, whether implicit or explicit, from their parents.
He says 'dunno' because he doesn't want to do it but he doesn't want to disappoint you either so he's stuck in limbo.
I did feel sad when you use the words 'let down' about him or anyone else.
He's not here 'for' you. He's here for himself.
You said 'we' entered an important race. Are you running in it too?

AlexaShutUp · 08/01/2022 12:52

@thetinsoldier

Thank you all for being kind and for such sensible, thoughtful advice. I'm going to read all your messages again.

I want to emphasise to him that hard work and commitment are just as important. Dh and I have done this but dc is so stubborn and it goes in one ear and out the other.

I get it, OP, I really do. I was gutted when my dd decided to give up one of her hobbies years ago. She was so talented and I loved watching her. But ultimately, these are hobbies. They're there to be enjoyed and to enrich, not to become a chore.

One of the hardest things about parenting is accepting that our children are separate people and will sometimes make autonomous decisions that are different from the ones that we would have made for them. And actually, that's OK because their lives are their own, and sometimes they might turn out to be better judges of what is good for them than we are! You just have to let go on this one, I'm afraid.

Original poster

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 08/01/2022 13:12

One other thing: hesd doing PE GCSE. Running is his individual sport for that. We talked about this before he decided on his options and he agreed to carry on running until he's done his GCSEs. So I don't know what to do there.

OP posts:

AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking · 08/01/2022 13:24

I think there are separate issues to deal with, running itself and why he gives up.

It sounds like he enjoys praise and winning more than the sport itself. Talk of talent, being naturally great at something etc is lovely for someone to hear who is starting out, but unless he is praised more for putting the work in it soon isn't enough of a motivation.

People like this tend to be thin skinned and one little obstacle (like an injury) or a criticism and they flounce rather than buckle down to catch up. This is the only thing I'd be worrying about, if he hasn't learned how to enjoy things without winning or being praised he might feel quite dissatisfied in life.

As for running, can you see if he actually likes it when it's not competitive? Maybe just going for runs or Parkrun? Take the pressure off and let him run in a way that is less "all or nothing." Bring the fun back and praise him only for not giving up, not natural ability.

AlexaShutUp · 08/01/2022 13:29

As far as his GCSE is concerned, I would put the ball in his court. He can quit the running if he wants to, but what is he going to do instead? Just be clear and consistent about the fact that he needs to either fully commit or give it up, and you aren't going to carry on funding something if he can't be arsed to put in the effort.

FWIW, I carried on with music lessons for ages as a teenager, rarely bothering to practise. My mum asked me a few times if I wanted to quit and I always said no, but actually I really wanted to give up, I just didn't want to disappoint them. I could have saved them a whole lot of money if I had been honest! So make sure he knows that you want him to do what's right for him... even if you have to fake it!

Dozer · 08/01/2022 13:29

It’s just hobbies: not a priority IMO relative to schoolwork, how he is towards family and friends etc.

He’s tried things, done them for a while, stopped. Healthy and normal. His talents are his to use as he wishes, or not.

Stop paying for the training: his actions show he’s stopped.

If you bought the pets for a DC not responsible and mature enough to care for them, that’s unfortunate, and your mistake - as the adult in the household you’re responsible for the pets.

Hellocatshome · 08/01/2022 13:29

It is disappointing especially if they are talented but there is nothing to be gained from forcing the issue. I would ask him to think about it for say a week and then give you a decision on what he wants to do a)quit completely b)run for enjoyment but not enter races, c)carry on competing and commit to going to training and races. I would point out that none of these decisions are irreversible and he just has to tell you if he changes his mind.

Dozer · 08/01/2022 13:29

And yes, his GCSE is his problem. Would point out that if he wants to get a good grade he needs to meet the requirements and leave it at that.

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