DS giving up on sports, hobbies - what can I do? AIBU to be so upset?

[whiteworldgettingwhiter]

DC 15 has a real talent at running - he's a county runner. Over the last few months he's been less and less keen to train. He has a sore knee on and off - growing pains - and has seen a physio for this. He has been given stretching exercises to do that will help - he says he does these but I don't think he does.

He has history of getting really into something for a couple of years then losing interest and going off it and moving on to something else. Often these are expensive jobies, but not always - think rugby, electronics, collecting things eg pokemon cards, exotic pets, etc.

He's always given up easily if something doesn't come easily to him. It's always frustrated the hell out of me.

An important race is today. We had entered ds - he wanted to, we talked about it - but because he doesn't think he'll do well, he has refused to go. He won't engage and talk to me to tell me how he feels, and I'm getting so frustrated with him. He's letting himself down, his coach, and us.

We're still paying training fees and he hasn't been training for months! I've asked if he wants to give up and he just strugs and mumbles dunno.

AIBU to be so disappointed that dc didn't race today? I've really missed live running and going and meeting up with the other parents, watching races and supporting the runners. There were no races last year and I'd been looking forward to this, and now, nothing.

I feel that I'm over-reacting here in being so over-invested in dc's sport, and wanted to check.

So, how to encourage dc not to give up on everything, how to make him see there are consequences for his actions (eg what happens to pets he can't be bothered looking after any more?), and AIBU? But be gentle...

Also @whiteworldgettingwhiter - its hard being the parent in this situation. I honestly understand your dilemma of whether to try to push him to stick with it or back off. Plus also questioning yourself about whether you are being over invested or not.

I hope things work out for him - lots of the boys I knew have ended up playing sport at uni or for adult clubs and really enjoying it.

@Cherrymix

Also *@whiteworldgettingwhiter* - its hard being the parent in this situation. I honestly understand your dilemma of whether to try to push him to stick with it or back off. Plus also questioning yourself about whether you are being over invested or not.

I hope things work out for him - lots of the boys I knew have ended up playing sport at uni or for adult clubs and really enjoying it.

I agree with this. Also I understand why you are upset. You see your child doing well at something and, as parents we all want that for our children. Knowing when to encourage it further and when to back off, is sometimes a difficult balance to strike.

My son is in a very similar situation, though he is a bit younger. Natural running talent meant that training and winning came easily but he is young in his age group and a bit of a late developer. He has found it demoralising to see younger boys shoot up past him in height with it the increased speed. He has also got growing pain knee problems which are hanging around. Therefore he has not been that keen to go training and no longer wants to do parkrun.

The approach we've taken is pull back on training and competition focus on strengthening the quads but go along to the track for warm ups and seeing friends and then spend a bit of time in the gym.

I think it's about getting him through to 17/18 body intact so that he can make a decision whether athletics is something he wants to get back into.

Athletes mature quite late compared to some sports so making it fun now is key.

I think you’ve had some great advice here,
I just wanted to say that county level isn’t THAT great, I only say that so you don’t think he’s squandered becoming the next Mo farah and you’re all seriously missing out. Running might not necessarily be his thing.
I was a county runner at his age (similar ranking to your son) and nationally never achieved a great deal. I love running and still do, but for me it was a spring board onto other sports where I ended up at national level.
So it might be a GREAT thing he gives it up to pursue something he’s better at or enjoys more.

My DS was a terror for doing and dropping sports and hobbies. But he tried so much. I think your DS has had enough.

The pets are a separate issue, but at 15 he is old enough to decide if he wants to do a hobby or not. Pets are living things and should be treated as such, they are not a hobby.

I was a 'swimming mum' - there comes a point with most young people, particularly in individual sports when they decide to stop and it is often around 15. School, friends...start taking up more time and they don't want to train realising that to get really good takes up more and more time. It's his decision. Let him make it rather than finding himself letting the coach down with last minute decisions. Also, stop being 'disappointed' in him - he's not running for you or your social life.

Hi OP - is it worth trying to separate out the talent you believe he has from his enjoyment of running? Running is something he can dip in and out of for the whole of his life - as are most sports - but it's not up to you to decide if it's worth him keeping on running in a competitive sense.

Is it possible he doesn't actually want to keep competing and finds it too much pressure? The reality is that he isn't going to succeed in life as an athlete unless he is so so committed - but that's okay!

Maybe you need to back off and let him enjoy the sports he does without leaning over him demanding he 'use his talent' etc.

Also - at 15 does he actually want you there watching him? does he find it a bit naff and embarrasing? At 15 tbh I would have died if my mum had been involved in anything I did.

OP I can sympathise but one thing I've come to accept as a parent of three teens is that just because they have a talent for something, it doesn't mean they want to do it.

My DD (16) is a talented dancer and until last year was on an intensive dance training programme which would have moved her into professional training if she'd stuck with it. Last year she decided to give it up. Covid was a factor (a lot of the lessons had moved online) but she also had problem with her knees from growing pains and ultimately, although she enjoyed the social side of it, she didn't enjoy it enough to continue. GCSE pressure was also getting to her.

I was quite upset about it as she has low self-confidence and isn't very academic and it was something she was really good at. I was proud of her and I'd also invested a lot of time, energy and money in supporting her.

I'd become part of a community with the other parents (we had a car-sharing rota), the other young people, the dance teachers and the scheme administrators and although, when she quit, it made my life simpler and we saved money I did feel as if I'd lost that community too.

Ultimately I had to accept that she didn't want to work towards being a professional dancer and that had to be her choice.

In your situation, the things I'd be concerned about would be letting down his coach and taking a place in a race someone else could have had and also how he's going to complete his GCSE. I would talk to him about that but then just step away from it. Maybe it's just not his thing any more and he's not enjoying it. He can always return to it in the future as a way of keeping fit without the pressure of racing.

Don’t fund any of his interests anymore.

You are not unreasonable to be disappointed OP - I've had this with my son (he's a bit older as he's 19) - he was good at athletics but has more or less given up now he has gone to university - covid did not help.

I hope that he might pick it up again - either at university or maybe once he gets a job afterwards. It is a shame when they are good at something, but if they lose interest there isn't much you can do, it's their life. It does upset me because it was a big part of our lives too and I know other people have carried on with it at university. And I don't want him turning into lard when he's been so fit.

But as pp's have said, it's his life - and you need to find your own interests - I run myself and do my own thing anyway so now I can just concentrate on me and don't have to think about whether a race I want to do clashes with one he is going to do. There are upsides.

My friend's son was like this except he'd always loved tennis and been great at it and got to a really good level at 15 but then like your DS, just dropped it. Partly, he managed to articulate, it was because the thing that made him competitive also made him realise he was never going to be the best, so why bother? We can't really understand what that's like, but I do get the logic - that if you're driven by winning, you can't face being what they see as mediocre. The thing that keeps someone going at that stage is the absolute superhuman stamina/possible delusion that a real winner has. And very few people have that so fair enough for your DS to decide he's done enough and dial it down or even ditch it. Even though you think he's a quitter, trust me, if he's got to county level he's a hell of a lot more determined than many DCs. Compare him to the ones glued to YouTube, not the ones dragging their arses out for a run in a bleak midwinter. Ugh! Who can blame him for staying home??

So I'd cut him some slack and not label him as a quitter. He's just finding his way and learning what he likes and what he's like. Your preconceptions are making you judge him unfairly, although it's obviously understandable that you feel disappointed after supporting him and investing your time and money. It won't be wasted though. You and he have had all that experience and it will serve you in unexpected ways. He may even take up running for pleasure at some point down the line. My friend's DS started coaching some kids in the holidays, but he found another passion for music and is mainly doing that now. It's all a big adventure and you have to go with the flow, see where it leads...

We hosted international students one was a lovely girl who actually played her sport for her country even she was giving it up at 18. As she explained to play at that level you have to give up your study and social life - and you are finished at 25. So actually being hard headed about it it’s good they step back. He can always pick up the sport in later life. The one thing you can’t do is force it.

His interests aren’t there to keep you happy - in the nicest possible way you are making this about satisfying you, not himself. Hobbies are there to fulfil the doer, not the doer’s parents. He knows how invested you are in his running so is it any wonder he’s terrified of failing and “letting [you] down”? And when he avoids failure by not participating, he’s still letting you and a whole host of other people down! The boy can’t win.

Just relax. You have raised a teenager who has a life of his own, which is a good thing - he’s developing an independent will outside of wanting to please you like he did when he was little. This is normal; sure, there will be misfires along the way. I myself had a real desire to be good at music when I was a teenager and went through various instruments but gave them all up because like your son, I didn’t like failing at them. Rest assured it hasn’t damaged my life and it won’t damage his either. Try to take his hobbies less personally and dial down the blame. He’s not doing it to piss you off.

My dad used to teach a sport and was in tears of frustration at one lad who was awesome and could have gone to the Olympics if he could be arsed. But he couldn’t be so that was that! Drove dad mad!

Regarding it being a shame to waste talent that others would kill for:

(a) just because you find something easier than others, doesn't mean you're obliged to do it. Its just running. It's not solving nuclear fusion or creating peace in the Middle East. What's the point if you don't enjoy it.

(b) Only a handful of the kids at his level will make this into a career. The rest will not. It's not a failure to reach this level and decide it's not for you. He's presumably had some fun, learnt skills, developed high fitness, understands how to train. All that will be transferable to whatever he wants to do in the future. Nothing has been wasted. It will only be a waste if he carries on at it long after his enjoyment and ambition have gone, a waste of his and your time and energy.

Also you don't need to teach him that sticking at it leads to success. He'll learn that by seeing how the others who stuck at running turn out. But equally there are other definitions of success than winning races. Often the people with the drive to get to the top are sorely lacking in other areas and most folk are better off with a more balanced approach. And if he stuck at it for you and wound up with knee problems for life, wouldn't you feel awful?