DS giving up on sports, hobbies - what can I do? AIBU to be so upset?

[whiteworldgettingwhiter]

DC 15 has a real talent at running - he's a county runner. Over the last few months he's been less and less keen to train. He has a sore knee on and off - growing pains - and has seen a physio for this. He has been given stretching exercises to do that will help - he says he does these but I don't think he does.

He has history of getting really into something for a couple of years then losing interest and going off it and moving on to something else. Often these are expensive jobies, but not always - think rugby, electronics, collecting things eg pokemon cards, exotic pets, etc.

He's always given up easily if something doesn't come easily to him. It's always frustrated the hell out of me.

An important race is today. We had entered ds - he wanted to, we talked about it - but because he doesn't think he'll do well, he has refused to go. He won't engage and talk to me to tell me how he feels, and I'm getting so frustrated with him. He's letting himself down, his coach, and us.

We're still paying training fees and he hasn't been training for months! I've asked if he wants to give up and he just strugs and mumbles dunno.

AIBU to be so disappointed that dc didn't race today? I've really missed live running and going and meeting up with the other parents, watching races and supporting the runners. There were no races last year and I'd been looking forward to this, and now, nothing.

I feel that I'm over-reacting here in being so over-invested in dc's sport, and wanted to check.

So, how to encourage dc not to give up on everything, how to make him see there are consequences for his actions (eg what happens to pets he can't be bothered looking after any more?), and AIBU? But be gentle...

We have always praised him for the effort he makes, not for the results. He puts all the pressure on himself! We recognise this isn't healthy and have been trying to change his mindset. Without much luck.

AIBU to be so disappointed that dc didn't race today? I've really missed live running and going and meeting up with the other parents, watching races and supporting the runners. There were no races last year and I'd been looking forward to this, and now, nothing.

Yes. Sorry but this isn't about you. Not giving up is a good quality to have but it's also ok to learn that if something is not making you happy you don't have to keep doing it.

Finances are a separate issue, he won't understand the value of money yet if he's not paying for these things himself. If he's not going to training then you cancel the membership.

Personally I wouldn't buy a pet for DC that I wasn't willing to look after myself if they lost interest.

Giving up at his age is really common. My mates daughter was on track to be a potential olympian when she gave up as she wanted to study more rather than train to that degree.

Now she's a medic!

I know some manage to juggle both but it's their choice.

You can always volunteer or join a running group yourself. Most local clubs cover all levels from starters and walkers up to the faster, even elite sometimes.

How about taking him out of training and encouraging him to just run for the fun of it for a while? I’m a runner and get myself in such a state before races that I’m thinking I just won’t do them going forward.

Pets are different but don't take them on if you won't look after them. You have to understand most live 10 to 20 years by which time, even a 10 year old, could be married, working and have a family. The pet might not be something they would buy in that circumstance. So, assume its your pet really. If you cannot see you can look after it then don't get it - and explain why!

Maybe they could buy a hamster or fish which will not be around for such a long time?

He has history of getting really into something for a couple of years then losing interest and going off it and moving on to something else.

What's wrong with that? It's natural and healthy to explore the world and his own interests and identity. Everything changes over time, like the seasons. They will have contributed to his life and the person he is regardless of whether he sticks with them forever.

Why would you expect a child to still enjoy the same hobbies at 15 as they did at 5? We don't have to commit to the same activity for an entire lifetime and frankly that would be very narrow and dull. Are you disappointed that because he enjoys change that it means you haven't got a child prodigy/expert in the way you would if he'd devoted his entire childhood to the same hobby?

Caring for pets is a separate issue, although one that in fairness is pretty common to children.

Your feelings of disappointment at missing out on socialising at his activities are irrelevant. Is that what you mean by telling him he let you down by not going? Personally, I think that was a harsh baseless rebuke and hardly going to make him feel good about himself.

It's running. Running. Why have you turned it into this life or death drama? These are your issues that you're putting on him. There's nothing wrong with your son.

@whiteworldgettingwhiter

We have always praised him for the effort he makes, not for the results. He puts all the pressure on himself! We recognise this isn't healthy and have been trying to change his mindset. Without much luck.

Hmm, but you also describe being extremely frustrated with him throughout his childhood and viewing his interests as inadequate and disappointing.

It is ridiculous to think he is unaware of how you really feel even if your words offered praise.

Can you really not see the connection between a lifetime of frustration and disappointment from you, and him feeling very pressured and down on himself?

Basically, you need to change your own mindset and behaviour instead of viewing him as a problem to fix.

My ds who is much younger (9) is a "quitter". It gets on my nerves and I really resent it. Every sport he tries, he excels at. He has just got a real aptitude for it. athletics, football, basketball, hockey, gymnastics. But he is so god damn lazy. It makes me really sad that he doesn't want to apply himself. The grit and the determination to want to succed isnt there and it drives me mad. Silverspoon etc I think it is in our case. I have removed his playstation until he finds ONE sport that he commits too. Just one out of all the options he has. He is still muttering and trying to get out of it. Which is fine.

If it's just a hobby it needs to be fun, if he's putting in more than he gets out then it's his decision to stop.

1. Of course he gets into something for a bit and then moves onto something else, he's a child! It would be weird if he was still into Peppa Pig because that's the first thing he liked wouldn't it?! He's trying stuff out as he should.

1. It sounds like you're more into the running than he is. He can't be responsible for your social life at running events/meeting other parents etc. If you like the running scene find a way to be involved with it separately from him.

1. If you've bought a child a pet, then the mistake is yours. They're too young to have responsiblity for another life. They should be encouraged to help look after family pets of course, but getting them their own pet is ridiculous.

To add. I don't take any pleasure of his activities. I dont want him to do them so i can socialise. But i want him to commit to SOMETHING that isnt computer games. Anything!! Athletics, football, chess, collecting stamps, anything!!!!! My ds struggles academically and so for him to have something outside of school that he is good will matter to him. Children need to learn thw assocation between grit, hard work and success but he just isnt interested. It is sad for me because I think it is a lesson that would serve him well in life.

It’s disappointing that you’re paying for something that he isn’t doing/taking full advantage of. I’d stop funding his hobbies if you can’t afford them to go to waste.

But, I also hope you didn’t say these words to him:

He's letting himself down, his coach, and us.

At 15 he’s old enough to take responsibility and say yes/no, and then accept the consequences either way. At his age I was trying to turn my hobby into a career and my parents were quite clear that they’d stop funding it if I didn’t put in the effort. But not once did they say I’d let them down, because it was my hobby, my future, my choice.

@user114653217696248626 - Hmm, but you also describe being extremely frustrated with him throughout his childhood and viewing his interests as inadequate and disappointing.

I said It's always frustrated the hell out of me.

Nowhere did I say I told DC that

And I said nothing about his interests being 'inadequate and disappointing'. Where on earth did you get that?

Really unhelpful comments.

@EileenGC - yes, we said he'd let his coach down for deciding at the last minute that he didn't want to race. I don't think there's anything wrong in that. Actions have consequences.

I agree there is not much you can do. Done of my dcs activities I was pleased when they gave up but my dd was genuinely talented in a form of dancing and just like that gave it up around 14. I do not want to add up what I had spent to that point as it will annoy me ( and I spent it happily) but I was upset for a while ( mostly for myself as I had made friends and enjoyed going to the events) so I understand your feelings.

OP I understand, I also have a runner, although he's 12 so slightly younger. The thing is, if he hasn't been to training for months, he's absolutely right that he wouldn't have done well today. If it's XC in particular, the conditions today at our county champs were horrific, even our best, hardest training runners struggled. If he's not trained and lost his fitness he would have placed much lower than when he was at his peak and he knows you, he and his coach would have been disappointed. It's easier for him to not race, because he can continue kidding himself that he's a good runner.

Why don't you suggest he takes a 3/6 month break and see if he misses it - he can always go back if he finds he does, although I suspect he won't.

It's perfectly normal and desirable for youngsters to try lots of new things, drop them and move on when something else catches their interest. That's how they develop their own tastes and skills.

What IS abnormal is your attitude to HIS activities; you seem very invested in his running as the means to create some social life or status for yourself. Performance parenting at the trackside?

He's told you he doesn;t want to run any more, that's fine. Stop nagging him, and stop paying for training he doesn't want or attend.

Develop your own interests, do your own sports, get a life of your own.

@2bazookas: In my OP I said

I feel that I'm over-reacting here in being so over-invested in dc's sport, and wanted to check

Your unkind reply did make me laugh:

What IS abnormal is your attitude to HIS activities; you seem very invested in his running as the means to create some social life or status for yourself. Performance parenting at the trackside?

lol.

We have been in a pandemic for two years - perhaps you've noticed - and the hobbies I had before have been affected. I haven't wanted to go back yet as Covid cases as re so high.

If I don't support the dc's hobbies, I'd get criticism for that. I do, and I get called over-invested.

I already do voluntary work for dc's club, and I enjoy that. Perhaps I should stop that too? Is that over-invested?

If you don't have anything kind or constructive to say, please, don't reply.

Maybe your DC doesn't see it as a "fun" thing to do anymore as more is expected of him than he is willing to give.
I remember (many years ago), joining a club at school. It turned out I was rather good at this particular sport and was entered for a few competitions that I did quite well at. The problems started when people started forgetting that I was doing it for the fun of it and not for the awards. Everybody else's hopes were projected onto me and the fun went out of it and I became less motivated to do it. The last competition I did, I deliberately did badly in because I had had enough if I could have gotten away with not turning up then I would have. I left the club that day and refused to go back. When it stops being what the person wants and starts becoming what everyone around them wants then the enthusiasm and motivation goes and that person (well me anyway), is so worried about letting those around them down then it really is not worth the stress.
Talk to you son gently and ask why he does not want to run anymore and please do not tell him he has let people down, he doesn't need that added pressure. It needs to be something he wants to do for himself not to please those around him if he wants to continue on with it.

@AlexaShutUp

The pets are a different issue, I think, as there are consequences for other living things. I think he needs to carry on taking responsibility for those whether he likes it or not.

OR, if it's fish or some small creature in a cage, he could make new arrangements for its care and welfare. Put up a poster advertising it. Sell it or give it away to someone who wants it.

It's HIS responsibility to ensure his unwanted pet's needs are still met.

Whilst I was sad when our then-DS14/15 gave up music & sprinting (County level sprinter and then County discus thrower too), we had a heart to heart. His dad just took the "I'm really angry" attitude, but DS said he was only doing it to make us happy. He had been busking but admitted he felt very self conscious and lonely when he did it & was getting quite morose when he didn't win competitions any more.

Some kids suck it up, keep training and improve; others just don't want to do it any more.

However - he's now 19 & at university where he's started playing guitar with his mates & goes to the gym most days. We look back on it as having laid the groundwork. Maybe your child needs some space to mature and he will most probably come back to it later.

I had some involvement in junior athetics in the past and age 15 is a very difficult age for boys. Don't underestimate the pain of "growing pains" - not only does it hurt but I also think it has a psychological impact on athletes, especially talented ones, as what used to be a lot easier is suddenly a lot harder. It affects different boys to differing degrees and I think it can be very frustrating and demotivating for them to see their peers carrying on as normal when they simply can't.

Physio can help but sometimes it is just a question of waiting for their body to catch up. Sometimes it doesn't take long but for some boys it seems to go on forever and if they carry on pushing themselves they can end up really demotivated and with injuries.

@edwinbear is right.

If he needs to keep up with athletics for his GCSE then can he just carry on training but with the proviso that at the moment he's not doing it to compete. One of the boys at our club also got involved with coaching the younger athletes and trying out a few different track and field events which meant that he could still score points for the club and feel part of things without the pressure of having to compete at county/ national level.

Thanks, @TimBoothseyes and @Cherrymix - really helpful posts.

I get where you're coming from because working through when the going gets tough is a very important life skill, and easier to deal with earlier through sport than at university or in the world of work.

The first thing I failed at was my driving test. I was distraught for ages because I hadn't learned to fail and keep going/try again, but better that than getting discouraged and giving up applying for jobs in the future.

I fight my inner pushy mum all the time with my 6 year old, but as she's definitely got a tendency to attempt to evade challenges rather than work on them - she'd prefer to make no answer than a wrong answer with educational apps and gets hysterical at the hint of a time limit - so I'm balancing pushing her to deal with something she thinks is hard as a life skill with allowing her to choose hobbies and move on in due course.