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An unconventional life

74 replies

LadyCampanulaTottington · 08/01/2022 10:52

Do you live an unconventional life?

I met a woman last week and I’ve fallen head over heels in platonic love with her. Actually I think I want to be her.

She eschewed every conventional life step. Never married by choice, has 2 or 3 casual lovers on the go at any one time.

She has a companion who is a single gay man in his 50s and they go on holidays together, are each other’s +1 and spend Christmas together with other friends. He is not interested in being in a LTR with anyone and loves her friendship. He is one of her many good friends.

She’s a business consultant and works online with some trips to visit client premises all over the world. When covid hit she rented a beach house and moved there with her dog so that she could do daily beach walks and work in a peaceful and beautiful setting.

She doesn’t have to think about anyone else or put anyone else’s needs first. She can make her own independent decisions for her life. It was amazing speaking to her.

She’s never lonely because she designed her life to be like this. To have friends and companions who also don’t live conventional lives. I must admit I was wildly envious listening to her.

I’ve never lived alone, never had that autonomous independence to just pick up and go somewhere without having to consider anyone. It sounded idyllic!

I love my DH and DD but something about the freedom of choice was intriguing.

OP posts:
Jennalong · 08/01/2022 11:00

I can see why you would be in awe of her , as she seems to have her head screws on and living an independent life.
However , from your description I'm ( possibly incorrect ) assuming she's pretty financially well off , so can buy her lifestyle / attract people to her by being in nicer places etc.
I could be unconventional if I had lots of money instead I'm sat at home , waiting for the rain to stop before going out to a supermarket and then catching up on housework !😂

LadyCampanulaTottington · 08/01/2022 11:05

Yes she is independently quite comfortable but I think that also stems from her choice not to marry and have children which is a financial disaster for most women.

That was certainly the case for me until I started my own business. DH was earning 5 times my salary. Now I earn 10 times his Grin

OP posts:
TossaCointoYerWitcha · 08/01/2022 11:21

The danger with “she doesn’t have to think about anyone else or put anyone else’s needs first” is that the converse is also true: no-one has to think about her or put her needs first either (and if they do, she’s by definition, a parasite).

All fine and dandy when you’re financially secure, in good health and times are lovely. Not so great when you get a health scare or times get hard - not sure those unconventional friends will be there to keep her company if it starts compromising their needs and puts hers in front of there’s. Why would they?

LadyCampanulaTottington · 08/01/2022 11:26

@TossaCointoYerWitcha she has an extended family, sisters and brothers. She's not totally alone and isolated in the world and has family to help her if she needs it. She also has contingencies in place if she needs care and has been very careful with her money so that she will also be financially secure (baring a total worldwide economic collapse where we would all be in the shit anyway). She's thought of everything.

OP posts:
7Worfs · 08/01/2022 11:33

Sounds a lonely existence to me. She’s denied herself forming a close bond with another human, and the ‘cool wine friends’ I bet only share the good times with her.
Plus I don’t think it’s that great to make yourself the centre of your own universe - it’s sometimes nice to have responsibilities and prioritise someone else.

ItsFuckingJuneDadQuickHide · 08/01/2022 11:34

Sounds lovely but we only show people what we want then to see

Onlinedilema · 08/01/2022 11:36

Swings and roundabouts I say. Of course childless women have more money, they haven't had to pay for their kids!
My best friend is loaded she is childless by choice. Has been able to take the job which took her away from home every week etc.
On the flip side women with children have their love and the possibly the love of a partner.
I'm all for living an unconventional life. Certain things I'd be up for certain things I wouldn't, for example living on a boat would be a no no for me.
I don't judge.
I don't care or ask why someone isn't in a relationship or doesn't have children. Often people will tell me. Often people tell me they are contemplating whether they should have kids. If they want my advice I'll give it, if they don't I just listen.

NotAtAll · 08/01/2022 11:38

Not so great when you get a health scare or times get hard

The same could be said for many 'dp's' though not to mention almost half of all marriages fail so being partnered up is no guarantee of being cared for when you need it. Likewise children, many will move far away from parents and almost all will have their own responsibilities.
I had similar freedoms for a couple of decades before having a child as I always knew I never wanted to marry. Still choose to live partner free and looking forward to regaining my freedom in a few short years.

sandgrown · 08/01/2022 11:39

After a few disastrous relationships I think I could live that lifestyle if I had the money. I love the freedom that being on my own brings and I have discovered that I am brave enough to go to places like the theatre or cinema alone if friends don’t fancy it. I do have close relationships with my adult children though and I know they would always have my back as I would them.

Igneo · 08/01/2022 11:40

Interesting that there seems to be 2 choices you are comparing here:
Either be a free agent and gain security through wealth, or lose agency in the financial stakes by committing to family relationship.

Wouldn’t it be marvellous if it was possible to be something in between?

Or yet again, wouldn’t it be great if money wasn’t so powerful in our lives that some of us feel we have to choose between independence and family.

meteoric · 08/01/2022 11:40

Personally that sounds a bit lonely - DH is the best thing that ever happened to me - but everyone is different.

I LOVE the alternative lifestyle, financial freedom and moving to the sea, that does sound incredible!

AlDanvers · 08/01/2022 11:41

I love my DH and DD but something about the freedom of choice was intriguing.

Did you not choose to get married? Not choose to have a child?

Her life sounds great for her. But if you think she is never unhappy, bored, sad etc then you are kidding yourself.

If sue says she isn't, she is likey lying to herself.

AlDanvers · 08/01/2022 11:42

Oh and since you and your dh earn so much, use some of the money to create more choices for yourself.

You are in a better position and have more choice than most people.

Hb12 · 08/01/2022 11:44

Dhe has family to help her etc. Would she expect them to do so above their own needs? Would she help them if it conflicted with her's?

SalsaLove · 08/01/2022 11:48

I think she sounds interesting and clever. I like the idea of making very specific choices about how you want to live your life instead of life just sort of “happening” and feeling like you never got to choose.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 08/01/2022 11:49

@LadyCampanulaTottington if she has extended family to help her if she needs it, then she should have their needs to think of too, potentially, do she isn’t really living the lifestyle you say - maybe right now, if none of them need her, however that could change. If they help her with her needs but she doesn’t return the favour, then fair enough, however as I said that makes her a parasite.

Also think some posts are drifting off the original point - it’s not just about someone who’s chosen not to have a serious partner. It’s about living a lifestyle where you don’t have to consider anyone’s needs - including friends (since they’re similarly unconventional people).

YukoandHiro · 08/01/2022 11:50

I totally get why you're envious, but I think it's a lifestyle that's only enviable for a period of time. I lived a little like this in my 20s - lived alone, owned my own flat, financially stable, did a lot with lots of different friends and didn't date seriously. But one day I really did think that I would be nice to have to think about someone other than myself for once.
Now I have a DH and two young DDs and of course I often feel exhausted and harried and miss the freedom. But I think I picked the right path

Oblomov22 · 08/01/2022 11:57

Maybe OP feels this because she chose certain things early in life. She never had the freedom that others of us have already had, so don't crave it as much. I was single, went travelling alot and had great fun living alone, before meeting Dh.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 08/01/2022 12:06

It sounds like a wonderful existence. I think many people really against it because they wouldn't be brave enough to choose an alternative to the expected, 'normal' path in life.

Sittingonabench · 08/01/2022 12:09

I love the sound of this woman, admire her and look ok up to her. I would point out that while she doesn’t have to consider the needs of others in her decisions, it’s likely that she will choose to when needed. For example if her friend was in need, she’d probably hel him out. I only say this because it seems a few posters are projecting a very cold and selfish nature on a person who has simply chosen to be fully independent and keep as many doors open to herself as possible.

Jennalong · 08/01/2022 12:09

You seem to know an awful lot about her if you only met last week.

Pumperthepumper · 08/01/2022 12:12

If you’re financially very well off too, why not use your savings to travel for a while? You could homeschool your kid along the way, why not?

travellingturtle · 08/01/2022 12:15

Lots of interesting comments here.

My life is not unlike the woman you've described –although with a few differences... Have namechanged as this may be outing.

I left the UK at 26 and have worked remotely online ever since (11 years), hopping around the world. Part employed, part running my own business.

Spent time in around 14 different countries over the years by housesitting and doing work exchange (including the Caribbean, Amsterdam, South Africa, Copenhagen, Italy and Tokyo) and, counter to what many people expect, actually saved a lot of money that way. No rent to pay, no bills, lived in luxury homes, treehouses, sailboats, city centre apartments largely 'for free'. I saved the deposit on my house by living this lifestyle –no way I could have done it in the early years of my business if I were paying rent, bills, commuter costs etc. in the UK.

I did it both single and with a reasonably long-term partner who also worked remotely and travelled with me.

Now I have a 'home base' on a Greek island, and until the pandemic hit, I travelled just under 6 months of the year in total (mostly for tax reasons), coming back to 'base' when I needed and wanted to.

I've been with my DP for 5 years now, and we have separate homes. Fully committed, fully in love, but have chosen to have our own spaces between which we share our time.

I spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not I wanted kids and have decided it's almost certainly a 'no. DP is fine with that, and he has a wonderful daughter from a previous relationship who's one of the loveliest humans I know. I get to be in her life and contribute to her growing up without being her mother, and that feels just right for me right now.

And I also have very solid, very wonderful friendships in many places around the world, including my 'base' and also in the countries I've lived before. Many of them also live 'unconventional' lives but they've been there for me through thick and thin, and thanks to their 'unconventional' setups have been able to drop a lot and come to be with me at some of the hardest moments of my life – in a way that my more 'conventional' friends wouldn't necessarily have been able to even if I lived in the same town.

The constant travelling was lonely at times, which is partly why I set up a home base, but to PPs negating the value of this woman's friendships, 'unconventional' doesn't mean 'fair-weather' in the slightest.

None of my choices have meant that life hasn't still been 'life' –there have still been illnesses and breakups and challenging moments and times when I wondered what the flipping heck I was doing Grin.

But if meeting this woman has made you want to be more intentional about your choices, even if that means going against the grain just a bit, more power to you. You get one shot at this 'life' thing, and if you're lucky enough to be able to play with it in whatever way feels right for you, by all means do so.

JorisBonson · 08/01/2022 12:19

If DH and I ever split, I would seriously consider doing something similar. If she's happy and fulfilled then more power to her.

Daimari · 08/01/2022 12:32

I had a very unconventional life once and to be honest while in some ways it was exciting and I like to look back at those times, a lot of it was quite lonely and soulless. I’m glad I met my now DH.