An unconventional life

[LadyCampanulaTottington]

Do you live an unconventional life?

I met a woman last week and I’ve fallen head over heels in platonic love with her. Actually I think I want to be her.

She eschewed every conventional life step. Never married by choice, has 2 or 3 casual lovers on the go at any one time.

She has a companion who is a single gay man in his 50s and they go on holidays together, are each other’s +1 and spend Christmas together with other friends. He is not interested in being in a LTR with anyone and loves her friendship. He is one of her many good friends.

She’s a business consultant and works online with some trips to visit client premises all over the world. When covid hit she rented a beach house and moved there with her dog so that she could do daily beach walks and work in a peaceful and beautiful setting.

She doesn’t have to think about anyone else or put anyone else’s needs first. She can make her own independent decisions for her life. It was amazing speaking to her.

She’s never lonely because she designed her life to be like this. To have friends and companions who also don’t live conventional lives. I must admit I was wildly envious listening to her.

I’ve never lived alone, never had that autonomous independence to just pick up and go somewhere without having to consider anyone. It sounded idyllic!

I love my DH and DD but something about the freedom of choice was intriguing.

The end of Trainspotting sort of sums it up for me, if anyone knows what I mean.

Sounds perfect to me, don’t think I could be bothered with two or three lovers on the go though

I agree not having a family and good career choices makes a difference financially. As for not being anyone else’s priority there are women in relationships who don’t have that either. She has a best friend who could be more reliable than some husbands.

but what is unconventional?

It sounds to me like the only 'unconventional' things she has decided do is not get married or have children. Her job isn't unconventional. I'm sure a lot of people with second homes in the country/seaside went off there when Covid hit.
@travellingturtle sounds far more unconventional to me. She is also absolutely right about pp negating the value of this woman's friendships. Just because she doesn't have to put other people first, does not mean that she will be there when needed, if fact being unencumbered by her own partner and children, she is probably more available.
It seems to me that something feels unconventional if it doesnt quite tie in with your own life choices.

Some people in my family think I'm totally off my rocker. Never married, adopted a child of a different ethnicity, travel to 'strange' places
( camping in Africa), I have an allotment and god forbid a black cat. I gave up a nice comfy job when I was 40 to go off on a completely different tack and at 57 this year about to do that again.
I'm actually a middle ranking civil servant who has lived in the same Victorian terrace for 20 years and will celebrate paying off my mortgage in May by getting a plumber in to replace all my taps ans sort the drain out.
I have wonderful friends who have walked beside me through thick and thin, as I have done for them, I will never be alone.

On the outside my life looks a bit different but fundamentally it really isnt.

This doesn't sound that unconventional to me. Woman who chose not to get married or had children, spends time with friends, working, travelling and enjoying herself. Also loadsa money! What's to be in awe of? Also she's unlikely to tell you about the shit/lonely/bored/hard times is she?

I hope that when she’s old and looking back at her life, she’s happy with the choices she made and can say she has lived her life the way she choose to. Too many people, often women, don’t have that choice and I think many people actually don’t want a conventional life but are too scared to row against the stream. Good for her.

@LadyCampanulaTottington

Yes she is independently quite comfortable but I think that also stems from her choice not to marry and have children which is a financial disaster for most women.

That was certainly the case for me until I started my own business. DH was earning 5 times my salary. Now I earn 10 times his

Off-topic - but intrigued to know what your business is!

She'll be please that her new friend is writing in such detail about her personal life .

I made significant choices in my life.

The primary one was that I chose to (aim to) have children.

That choice has constrained several other choices ever since - in the same way that the choice not to [assuming it was a choice, because otherwise we're having a totally different conversation] has affected your new friend.

It doesn't mean I don't have choices, just that this particular one has effects that last decades.

What's quite funny about this thread, which is very interesting by the way, is how many people are saying this woman is not unconventional!

If you look statistically, she's an absolute outliner: not married, more than one partner, rich enough to have other homes, free enough to relocate.

There aren't many women who live like this and I wonder why people think there are, but then here, people are considered playing it a bit risky if they are not married. If there's a thread on high earners, lots of people tell us about their husbands.

None of that is a commentary on the worth or otherwise of living that type of life, or happiness, or anything, but it is unusual, if nothing else.

Why would she divulge the whole set up of her life to you?

Anyone that has to tell you how wonderful their life is, probably doesn’t have a wonderful life at all and is trying only to convince themselves that they are.

Ugh… posted before I finished. Here’s the full post:

To the PPs arguing about negating the value of her friendships - actually I’m personally not, I’m just taking the OP’s description at face value. If she says this woman doesn’t have to consider anyone else’s needs that includes her friends, who I took to be people who wouldn’t need anything from her either as they led a similar libertarian lifestyle.

Saying “we’ll she doesn’t have to put their needs above here but if push came to shove she would” is just playing semantics, because whilst hypothetically she hasn’t, we’re just pretending because the implication is that yes she would. Which actually negates the OP’s description. She’s still potentially got people’s needs to consider, the fact they’re not a romantic partner or kids is moot.

I met and fell in love with a woman like this ten years ago. She was very much the way you described. Enviable, or so I thought. The truth was, when she died after a short but aggressive illness, the one at her bedside was me - someone she'd only known for a matter of months. It haunted me for many years, and I eventually decided that I wanted a husband and children after being sure I wanted that alternative set-up that my late partner had. I know having children doesn't guarantee you love and companionship in old age, but the idea of dying alone like she did - it's heartbreaking. The emergency contact she'd listed in her passport, I later found, was the artist she acted as an agent for.

Swings and roundabouts!

@TossaCointoYerWitcha I took the Op's point about not having any ones else's needs to consider as being about theobligations that come with partners and children, not about how you would support friends and wider family.
I am single, I do not have to consider the needs of a partner. This gives me certain freedoms. I do have a son, this puts some constraints on me.
So for example, this year I will be giving up my nice secure job. It will have financial implications, including my pension. It's my decision, I don't have to think about how it impacts on a partner. I've discussed it with friends, wider family, but ultimately it does not impact on them in the way it would with a partner.

@Taoneusa

Smug much ?

@Sittingonabench

I love the sound of this woman, admire her and look ok up to her. I would point out that while she doesn’t have to consider the needs of others in her decisions, it’s likely that she will choose to when needed. For example if her friend was in need, she’d probably hel him out. I only say this because it seems a few posters are projecting a very cold and selfish nature on a person who has simply chosen to be fully independent and keep as many doors open to herself as possible.

Well put. This woman is living the life that she wants. Doesn't mean she's cold and selfish necessarily.

@BleuJay

Why would she divulge the whole set up of her life to you?

Anyone that has to tell you how wonderful their life is, probably doesn’t have a wonderful life at all and is trying only to convince themselves that they are.

My guess would be because the OP asked lots of curious questions.

I find myself giving far more detail about how I live now in conversation with people than I used to before I left the UK.

I mention I don't live with my DP and they ask "how come?" or I say I used to move around a lot and they ask "weren't you lonely?", or I share that my business is fully remote and they ask "how does that work in terms of tax?"

If I said "I live with my husband and 2 kids and I work full time in an office two train stops away", people would leave it at that, because they know how that kind of life works in practice.

I'm not waxing lyrical about how wonderful everything is, because it's not always –it's just different, so people are curious and ask more questions than usual.

I’m hearing a lot of “smug marrieds” on here denigrating this woman’s life and projecting quite a negative slant and I’m not sure why.
I am married with dc and DSC. DH and I both have a female friend living a life similar to the one you describe.
My best friend from Uni is single, wealthy, independent, works for interest not necessity, travels widely and has lots of time for her interests. She is also a wonderful and supportive person, has a network of friends and family who are mutually supportive. Unconventional doesn’t mean selfish.

@OnwardsAndSideways1

Being a business consultant is hardly unconventional. Being financially comfortable/wealthy is not unconventional. Relocating to the seaside is not unconventional.

@Ted27 In that case, fair enough - but perhaps the OP could confirm this? After all, she said:

"She doesn’t have to think about anyone else or put anyone else’s needs first. She can make her own independent decisions for her life.

I’ve never lived alone, never had that autonomous independence to just pick up and go somewhere without having to consider anyone. It sounded idyllic!"

I know I'm partly playing Devil's advocate, however does she truly have this - what would her gay friend think if she were to up sticks and move halfway across the globe, for example? Or if he'd got seriously ill with Covid during lockdown and needed some home care - would she have stepped into provide it and given up her beach house break?

@MsAnnFrope FWIW, I'm, personally, not married. Was once, however ended up realising I was very much the co-dependent person doing a lot of heavy lifting in the relationship. I have kids, but appreciate they're not for everyone and not everyone gets what I get from bringing them up.

Must be nice to please self and bugger off when you want. Lots of us get bogged down for years, even decades in selfless domestic drudgery really. My friends are married but childless and both self employed in jobs that require talent and they are both so free in lots of ways. They seem so much younger than their ages.

Interesting topic! In many ways, some of the lifestyle you describe ‘should’ have been mine, as I always knew I didn’t want children and, deep down, am probably not naturally monogamous or keen on living with a partner. The thing is, these are things I’ve realised over the course of a lifetime during which I’ve married and settled down with someone. I think, therefore, this is where I’d ideally be heading should I ever find myself single again. Love DH very much and am there for the old stick (and vice versa). As many have pointed out, a highly independent lifestyle can lead to isolation later in life, that said, having a family is zero guarantee either. Sadly, I know more than one person estranged from adult children.

I find these life choices very appealing however it’s only since getting married and having kids that I realised it’s not what I want. However if I hadn’t done it I would be pining after a husband and babies. My life is good but I wish I had more examples growing up of happy single women. It was drummed into me that the conventional choice is the only one.

Meant to say I’d not be looking to settle down and live with someone if single again.