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Original poster

An unconventional life

74 replies

LadyCampanulaTottington · 08/01/2022 10:52

Do you live an unconventional life?

I met a woman last week and I’ve fallen head over heels in platonic love with her. Actually I think I want to be her.

She eschewed every conventional life step. Never married by choice, has 2 or 3 casual lovers on the go at any one time.

She has a companion who is a single gay man in his 50s and they go on holidays together, are each other’s +1 and spend Christmas together with other friends. He is not interested in being in a LTR with anyone and loves her friendship. He is one of her many good friends.

She’s a business consultant and works online with some trips to visit client premises all over the world. When covid hit she rented a beach house and moved there with her dog so that she could do daily beach walks and work in a peaceful and beautiful setting.

She doesn’t have to think about anyone else or put anyone else’s needs first. She can make her own independent decisions for her life. It was amazing speaking to her.

She’s never lonely because she designed her life to be like this. To have friends and companions who also don’t live conventional lives. I must admit I was wildly envious listening to her.

I’ve never lived alone, never had that autonomous independence to just pick up and go somewhere without having to consider anyone. It sounded idyllic!

I love my DH and DD but something about the freedom of choice was intriguing.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 08/01/2022 15:08

@TossaCointoYerWitcha

Is the op in fact comparing this woman's life to her own, and therefore deeming it unconventional because it's different to her own, sees a freedom there that maybe she yearns for and that she infers things from the probably little information she actually has.
I have a couple of really close friends, both who have partners, I have no formal or legal obligation to them or they to me. But we all know we would do whatever it takes for each other, because we have. From the information the op has given, I would imagine this woman is the same. Not having a partner or children increases the liklihood that she places great value on her friendships.

Dozer · 08/01/2022 15:10

Her life sounds great, but being a ‘business consultant’ sounds v conventional! And funds stuff.

Ted27 · 08/01/2022 15:12

@Gildededge

if you are a single, happy woman, no one really believes you. Unless you are another single happy woman - and then we are all deluding oureselves

2bazookas · 08/01/2022 15:16

You only met last week. Did you take it all at face value? .

I'm somewhat wary of new acquaintances who immediately blag every imaginable detail past and present of their life, finances, sexual and emotional experience.

If you get to know her better over a longer time period you may find the reality of her life is rather different.

dworky · 08/01/2022 15:18

@NotAtAll

Not so great when you get a health scare or times get hard

The same could be said for many 'dp's' though not to mention almost half of all marriages fail so being partnered up is no guarantee of being cared for when you need it. Likewise children, many will move far away from parents and almost all will have their own responsibilities.
I had similar freedoms for a couple of decades before having a child as I always knew I never wanted to marry. Still choose to live partner free and looking forward to regaining my freedom in a few short years.

So you marry &/or have children as an insurance policy?
AdoptedBumpkin · 08/01/2022 15:19

I quite like quirky people, but it's healthy to have friendships and to support people as well as to have people you can rely on, and I would guess most quirky people do.

tara66 · 08/01/2022 15:22

I could not say this woman's life is 'unconventional' at all - she has merely been able to chose how she lives. Maybe if she had moved to Antarctica etc she'd be 'unconventional'.

Clarissa76 · 08/01/2022 15:26

Sounds great but not especially unconventional. I think if you’re married with children you end up with lots of friends who are also married with children and it’s easy to forget all the thousands of women who aren’t and who therefore have a bit more flexibility.

Walking4You · 08/01/2022 15:32

@TossaCointoYerWitcha

The danger with “she doesn’t have to think about anyone else or put anyone else’s needs first” is that the converse is also true: no-one has to think about her or put her needs first either (and if they do, she’s by definition, a parasite).

All fine and dandy when you’re financially secure, in good health and times are lovely. Not so great when you get a health scare or times get hard - not sure those unconventional friends will be there to keep her company if it starts compromising their needs and puts hers in front of there’s. Why would they?

You can have a ‘conventional life’ and still end up alone when you need support. I can think of my gran who had 4 dcs. She spend the last 30 years of her life in her own. Her DH died quite young, one dc died leaving a very young dd and the other 3 dcs moved abroad…..

So yes she ended up in the exact same situation except she had never thought about building that network around her as a support. So she WAS alone.

Walking4You · 08/01/2022 15:35

@dworky of course a partner is an insurance policy. That’s one of the few positives of being in a partnership Imo.

It’s support when you have a dip financially (eg being made redundant) or if you unexpectedly fall ill (let alone if you end up with a chronic illness).

I have found that, esp on MN, people are very quick to dismiss that. It’s a shame because it is one of the strength/positive point of being in a relationship. For BOTH partners.

Walking4You · 08/01/2022 15:39

@Gildededge

I find these life choices very appealing however it’s only since getting married and having kids that I realised it’s not what I want. However if I hadn’t done it I would be pining after a husband and babies. My life is good but I wish I had more examples growing up of happy single women. It was drummed into me that the conventional choice is the only one.
Yep I’d agree with that too.

As a 20yo, I was longing for that perfect relationship, husband, children etc…
30 years on and with insight, this is not what I would have chosen. The whole system is deeply entrentched in patriarchy and it’s working against women most of the time.
There ARE some benefits to being in a marriage etc… I’ve benefited a lot from it. But yes so many disadvantages too….

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2022 15:44

That was certainly the case for me until I started my own business. DH was earning 5 times my salary. Now I earn 10 times his

Surely you have plenty of money to buy some of the freedoms you crave?

Frenchfurze · 08/01/2022 15:58

[quote Ted27]@Gildededge

if you are a single, happy woman, no one really believes you. Unless you are another single happy woman - and then we are all deluding oureselves[/quote]
I have several very happy lifelong/longterm single female friends, and despite being married, I absolutely see and appreciate their happiness. One, after roaming until her 40s, adopted a baby from China, and settled down in one place while her DD was at home (when we worked together), but now in her 60s divides her time between NYC and the west of Ireland. She is a brilliant and inspired friend, one of the most genuinely independent spirits I’ve ever met, and has a real gift for friendships all over the world.

Another led a fairly conventional life (emigrated to NZ, had a longterm partner, worked in a well-paid finance job) until she was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer in her thirties and given a likely life expectancy of five years, decided she wasn’t living her authentic life — ended relationship, moved back to Europe, embraced Buddhism, and almost fifteen years on is in remission and living very happily in different countries and making a precarious living teaching yoga online and at yoga retreats.

An old university friend entered a Poor Clare convent and is an enclosed nun. When I see her, she’s glowing.

An older friend, now in her 60s, has spent most of her life working in war zones for Medecins Sans Frontières. She’s planning to retire to a sort of commune of older women in Ireland.

BocolateChiscuits · 08/01/2022 16:06

I've got an old and good friend who's a little like this. She lives in different countries, goes out a lot, time for creative pursuits etc. Doesn't have a DH or DC.

She's living a different life to me, but I never thought to judge it, or feel jealous or question my own choices. I'm happy whenever stuff happens in her life that makes her happy, and likewise she's happy for me when different good things happen to me.

The people on this thread saying "she'll die alone", or "she's not really happy". Why? Confused A different person, choosing to live a slightly different life to you and enjoying it, is hardly an affront. You could just think "good for her".

TVTestCard · 08/01/2022 16:32

There’s a lot of defensiveness here. I don’t think this woman has said she thought her life was better than the OP’s?

On the support in a partnership, I’m sure I heard statistically men are more likely to leave their partner in the event of illness than the other way around. So it’s not always 100% guaranteed you would have support anyway.

Gildededge · 08/01/2022 16:41

@Ted27 in my upbringing it’s worse than that. Single women were to be feared and pitied. The religion my family are part of used patriarchal expectations to control your choices. I am happily married and have wonderful children but I know it’s not what I truly want. I am determined to show my children they have choices. I have my made my peace with it as it was impossible for me to survive and go against the grain.

Furries · 08/01/2022 17:09

[quote Ted27]@Gildededge

if you are a single, happy woman, no one really believes you. Unless you are another single happy woman - and then we are all deluding oureselves[/quote]
This x 100 - it’s so bloody annoying!

What1sg01ngON · 08/01/2022 17:21

If this story was about a man, would you think that it was an unconventional lifestyle ?

ashorterday · 08/01/2022 17:22

I don't but now I'm envious. Sounds exactly the kind of life I need!

7Worfs · 08/01/2022 17:24

@What1sg01ngON

If this story was about a man, would you think that it was an unconventional lifestyle ?
Ofc. Men with such lifestyles are judged worse than women I think.
TossaCointoYerWitcha · 08/01/2022 18:26

@What1sg01ngON

If this story was about a man, would you think that it was an unconventional lifestyle ?
I do wonder if it was said he generally spent Christmas’, went to +1 events, etc with a lesbian but had 2 or 3 female lovers in the go, there’s be an assumption he was likely exploiting them or not being entirely honest in some way. By and large, post Sex and the City, at least in more middle-class, metropolitan media, that lifestyles seen as a sign of empowerment for women and conversely more pitiable for men.
TossaCointoYerWitcha · 08/01/2022 18:30
  • pitiable in that men are as much likely to be judged to be players or have commitment issues if they have more than one casual lover on the go.
bagheaven · 08/01/2022 18:36

@TyrannosaurusRegina

It sounds like a wonderful existence. I think many people really against it because they wouldn't be brave enough to choose an alternative to the expected, 'normal' path in life.
Agree, most people are sheep and follow the crowd. It takes guts to break off and not care what others think
gumball37 · 08/01/2022 18:56

I've recently learned of platonic couples and Boston marriages. I would be up for either of those. Where you have a platonic partner to navigate life with. I'd freaking love it. Doubt it will happen but still.

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