How can I help my little boy deal with dads rejection?

[SunsetsAndLollypops]

Hello. I’m hoping someone can offer me some advice as my heart is breaking for my 3 year old ds. Myself and his father split 8 months ago. I have facilitated contact in this time, they’ve had phone calls 3-4 times each week, dad has visited him (though inconsistently and has let him down multiple times). My ds loves his dad and is forever asking to see or speak to daddy. Just before Christmas his dad decided to tell me via text message that he does not believe ds is his child, an utterly ridiculous claim as he knows, however he has a history of abusive behaviour and does not care who he hurts with his spite. I fully believe he is attempting to hurt me with these comments rather than ds, as disgusting as his comments are. He has now decided he wants nothing to do with ds. My poor boy doesn’t understand what is going on and each time he asks to speak to dad or see daddy or when is daddy coming, he’s upset so much. I’ve been answering him with things like “daddy’s at work/his phones broken/etc” . I don’t know how long I can keep this up. Is it fair to keep lying to him? My friends and family say to keep this up and he will forget and stop asking at some point. Does anyone have any experience of this? I fully expect his dad to eventually contact him again at some point. I’m at the point now where enough is enough and I don’t want this kind of negative influence on my sons life. So what do I say to him? Obviously when hes older it will be easier to explain things to him (his dad is not a good influence and there is a history of abuse to me/drug addiction/cheating/using ds as and when it suits/harassment). Just hoping someone has some advice I guess. Will he stop asking? Is there a way to help him through this in a better way? I was abandoned by my own dad as a child and I know it has an impact on lives, it’s awful and I want to try my best to ensure my ds is not impacted by his effectively Sperm donors awful behaviour. Thanks for reading

This is probably not the best advice but I"d seriously consider faking a card to your DS from his Dad explaining that he loves him but has to go away to work and it can't be helped. This way, you're not telling a small child something they can't comprehend such as "your dad doesn't want to know you at the moment" but are letting DS know that he won't be seeing his Dad for some time at least. If DS thinks he's away with work he will at least have some idea that he's not dead or anything. But is there a risk of him bumping into his Dad at the shops or anything?

@FortunesFave I’d not considered something like this. Thanks for the advice. No risk of bumping into him he moved over an hours drive away

Please god do not do the fake card 😣

@RedCandyApple bad idea?

I'm actually crying reading your post. My heart goes out to you, really does. Your poor innocent sweet boy. I'm not sure what to do, but I agree with @RedCandyApple please dont do the card and lie to him. I think surround him with people that love him and make him happy so he doesn't really feel like his missing out on the love from his dad. Spend time with him doing normal stuff, talk to him and tell him you love him all the time. 💚

I’d be honest but age appropriate. When he asks when he will see daddy next day you don’t know, acknowledge his feelings about that and then distract. He will ask less as time goes on.
Make a written record of what ex has said And continue to keep a record anytime ex pops up again.
Don’t badmouth your ex to your son even when he is older.

Find some positive male role models for DS

There are therapists who can work with really young children if you feel he needs it. But it’s early days. Sorry you are having to deal with this

@NickCarters90sCurtains thank you. This is what I am trying to do. It’s just difficult as he gets so upset at times. Today for example at bedtime he asked “can I phone daddy”, I did the usual excuses and spent the next hour crying into my cup of tea trying to answer his reply “daddy doesn’t like me anymore”. It’s breaking my heart he just doesn’t deserve to be treated like this

Offer to Get a dna test done- if he refuses to test that just proves he’s a deadbeat.
For your son, explain sometimes we see daddy sometimes we don’t, at the moment we’re not seeing daddy and it’s not his fault.
Remind him that he gets to have lots of fun with you and you won’t go away.

@Rainbowqueeen thanks for your reply. Oh absolutely I would never badmouth him (in my head I absolutely do!). Luckily he has good male role models. My other son is much older and is great with him, my brother is fantastic and my step father is also brilliant. I just hope that’s enough. I’ve thought of counselling if it reaches a stage I feel this is necessary, hopefully it won’t get to that point.

@Danikm151 I’ve considered the dna test however my POV now is what’s the point? I can’t force him to be a parent and frankly if this is how he chooses to treat his child it’s better for my ds to have no dad rather than a feckless emotionally abusive one. It’s his loss , he’ll never be anything good to my boy so he can go and spit his poison elsewhere. I just don’t want this rejection to impact my son iyswim

Totally get your point! but it’s a back up in terms of child maintenance and if he does decide to try and crawl back in the future you have the proof that you offered the opportunity and there was no withholding contact.

People who do this have no understanding/empathy to how a child feels.
My son’s dad cancelled 2 weeks in a row, my son isn’t old enough to totally understand yet but did ask where he was.
A child isn’t a pick and choose accessory, they’re a person with feelings- especially at the level of contact your son previously had.
Plenty of cuddles for him.

I split from my ex in May last year. He has basically brushed his hands of our 5yo and 3yo he totally disappeared for over 3 months at one point and is having spotty and inconsistent contact with them now. Fortunately he wasn't about much even when we lived together so they are used to him not being around.
I decided from the onset that I wasn't going to lie to them. When they ask where he is or why he hasn't been in contact I answer "I don't know but that isn't our fault" then normally tell them how amazing they are and how much I and all of our family love them. Sometimes my 5yo says maybe he's working and I just say maybe and then we change the subject.

She has once asked if he still loved her but I just said she was so amazing and anyone who didn't love her was missing out.

Its honestly so hard OP. My 3yo DS is obsessed with their dad but he's slowly transferring that bond to my father and brother its its them he asks for over the fickwit ex.

You are doing amazing and I hope this gets easier for both of us.

@Danikm151 you’re right actually thanks, the pint about withholding contact hit a nerve as I know that will be what I’ll be accused of. Child maintenance is a no go he is self employed so hides his income. Cms have declared he is claiming benefits so he contributes a sum of around £7 a week. It odensnt matter though the less he has to do with ds the better. Thanks again for your advice and I’m sorry your dc has been treated like that. It’s awful, funny thing is I’d waited years to settle down again and was confident I’d picked a decent person to have another child with. Hindsight is amazing

I'm glad that you have such a lovely family around you both to support you.

I'd feel the same way about the DNA test, but do what you have to do and get it out the way, this way it can never be thrown in your face that you wouldn't allow it or do it. He seriously sounds like a pile of shit and you sound like such a loving mum, your boy is lucky to have you.

I never had a dad growing up, when I was very young I'd always question it in my head but eventually as time went on I accepted it and I had my siblings to play with and talk to. I'm from an era where you dont question things so I remember finding it hard not being able to talk about our dad, and secretly crying under the covers in bed because I missed my dad.

Now as a grown up, I know this man has influenced my life with the negativity he exposed me to at such a young age. I wish he was never a part of my life or left when I was younger so i didn't have memories of him.

Anyway sorry waffling...talk to him, allow him to talk to you about anything, shower him with love and mummy cuddles.

I don’t think lying is ever a good idea. My ex hasn’t seen our 4 children in a year. He just doesn’t want to be involved, I’ve kept it truthful in an age appropriate way. And explained all families are different.

@FairFuming thank you for your reply. That gives me confidence re your situation with ds as that is mine now “obsessed” with his dad. I agree re the lying I think I will adopt this approach from now on. That’s really helpful, I’ve thought until now that lying ie daddy’s phones broken was best but you are absolutely right. It’s not my job to lie for him. Thanks again and sending hugs I also hope it gets easier for us 🤗

We had this. My child was also 3. I spoke to a child psychologist at the time. Their advice: a) Don't lie. If asked when daddy was coming I would say I don't know as daddy hasn't spoken to me (very true!). I would make specific plans, distract etc. b) Magic Wand (or alternative wishing object!). You and child both make a wish (them first). E.g. child ' I wish daddy was here' Adult, ' I wish for us to have a lovely day together you and me doing x y z. C) a little further on we started a Circle of Trust. Piece of paper inner circle, who can we trust and will be there for us? Gradually developed so that child starts to separate daddy from family.

Sorry if this is not helpful but we are now 3.5 years on. We discuss 'daddy' in the context of 'poor him, he is just not very good at being a daddy' so not criticising him as a person but factually stating lack of parental role.

My child rarely rarely raises the topic of her father any more. I have also seriously distanced from his family who feel that he is a lovely person but misunderstood.

In the beginning it is tough. I remember crying in my bathroom quite a lot, it does get easier. Build a life for your son with friends and your family. Good luck.

@NickCarters90sCurtains I was exactly the same as a child. Never questioned anything but it hurt. I’m so sorry for how that affected you. You are right though what you said about you wish he was never a part of your life or had left earlier. Think I’ve tied myself in knots trying to weigh up is it better he’s in his life or feels abandoned? Reality check I too wish my dad had never been around as the damage he did far outweighed having another parent present. Thankyou so much for your reply I’m feeling better already! My son is loved and doesn’t need a deadbeat dad!

@RedCandyApple yes I’m starting to see this now. I thought I was doing the kindest thing by lying but now see it’s probably the opposite. Thanks again for everyone’s replies I love mumsmet for this alone, the honestly and compassion has led to many a life changing decisions for me personally.

@belle40 great advice and I will definitely follow this. The thing about the circle of trust is great. We’ve just today had a conversation (following allowing him to watch bloody Cocomelon on Netflix.. which happened to be a song something along the lines of I love my mummy because.. I love my daddy because..) about yes I love nana etc as she loves me and I love daddy but daddy isn’t here as much as brother/uncle/nana/ grandad… I hope we get to the point like you mentioned about being able to just mention daddy as being not very good as a parent. Thanks again

Agreed, don't lie.

In your circumstances, given your ex's appalling behaviour, I think possibly saying something along the lines of "Daddy isn't here now, I don't know what will happen. Sometimes he hurts people and doesn't know how to be a good Daddy, sadly. I love you and always will and so does [extended family, specially grandparents] and then distract.

Maybe there are some books available too that might help. Reading and re-reading books really can help a child come to terms with difficult things. The circle of Trust a PP mentioned also seems a great idea.

Most of all, children need stability, reliability, love and good boundaries from parents who can put them first. If possible, keep your ex out of your poor little boy's life. If ever there's a reason for lying, this is it: agreeing with that idea that your boy is someone else's son might mean your ex drops any idea of involvement? (you know better than any of us!)

It breaks your heart, I'm in a similar situation although my DS hasn't seen "dad" since he was a baby. Iv promised myself that when the time comes and DS starts asking I won't lie to him. You obviously can't tell your DS the whole truth because he wouldn't be able to process it but I would keep it simple and as close to the truth without causing him anymore hurt or calling "dad" names (easier said than done).
They leave us with a mess to clear up then play the victim

@Ijsbear thanks great advice. I would feed into the “he’s not my son “ if I could however he absolutely knows this isn’t the case and is just using this to get at me. I will however follow the advice about you have x y and z people who love you but daddy’s just not good at being a parent

If ever there's a reason for lying, this is it: agreeing with that idea that your boy is someone else's son might mean your ex drops any idea of involvement? (you know better than any of us!)

This is a dreadful idea. What if the father insists on a DNA test further down the line to try and exert more control? I’m sure he wouldn’t hesitate to tell the child his mother lied about his parentage.

@CantBeAssed yes absolutely! That’s what pisses me off the most. I’ve honestly done everything (despite my reservations/ the constant abuse and manipulation) to try and facilitate a father/son bond. I’m now cursing myself and wishing I hadn’t bothered! But yeah the mess they cause then play the victim is disgusting! Woe is me blah blah erm maybe think about the impact t you are having on a poor innocent child!!