How can I help my little boy deal with dads rejection?

[SunsetsAndLollypops]

Hello. I’m hoping someone can offer me some advice as my heart is breaking for my 3 year old ds. Myself and his father split 8 months ago. I have facilitated contact in this time, they’ve had phone calls 3-4 times each week, dad has visited him (though inconsistently and has let him down multiple times). My ds loves his dad and is forever asking to see or speak to daddy. Just before Christmas his dad decided to tell me via text message that he does not believe ds is his child, an utterly ridiculous claim as he knows, however he has a history of abusive behaviour and does not care who he hurts with his spite. I fully believe he is attempting to hurt me with these comments rather than ds, as disgusting as his comments are. He has now decided he wants nothing to do with ds. My poor boy doesn’t understand what is going on and each time he asks to speak to dad or see daddy or when is daddy coming, he’s upset so much. I’ve been answering him with things like “daddy’s at work/his phones broken/etc” . I don’t know how long I can keep this up. Is it fair to keep lying to him? My friends and family say to keep this up and he will forget and stop asking at some point. Does anyone have any experience of this? I fully expect his dad to eventually contact him again at some point. I’m at the point now where enough is enough and I don’t want this kind of negative influence on my sons life. So what do I say to him? Obviously when hes older it will be easier to explain things to him (his dad is not a good influence and there is a history of abuse to me/drug addiction/cheating/using ds as and when it suits/harassment). Just hoping someone has some advice I guess. Will he stop asking? Is there a way to help him through this in a better way? I was abandoned by my own dad as a child and I know it has an impact on lives, it’s awful and I want to try my best to ensure my ds is not impacted by his effectively Sperm donors awful behaviour. Thanks for reading

It’s so hard and upsetting. No child deserves to be rejected by their parent in this hurtful way.

When mine were small just after their father stopped seeing them I would just say ‘I’m sorry, daddy isn’t coming. He doesn’t know how to be a good daddy and look after you properly. I’m here to look after you and I’ll always be here.’

I think as adults we look for something we can say to make it not hurtful but I think this is one of those situations (a bit like someone passing away) where it will hurt and there’s nothing we can do but help them deal with that pain.

@GrandmasCat can I ask what the charity was ? And your advice is great thank you. I’ve come to the realisation that lying to isn’t the best option. Re paternity he knows he is his child I’ve no interest in cms payments (not that I’d not need it I’ve had quit my job and allly for benefits which is something I’d never thought I’d do) he’s just ruined my life in all

@Kanaloa thanks that makes sense: from the way you have spoken I’m assuming your dc are older? Can I ask how you dealt with the questions about their dad and communication? I’m just struggling atm how to phrase sorry ds daddy does t. Want to be a part of your life???

Yes mine are older (11 & 10) now. At the time they really didn’t ask much because they were so small. By the time they were old enough to think about it they just thought about ‘a daddy’ if that makes sense. So they don’t really have any memories with their father, but sometimes would ask about ‘why has everyone got a daddy and I haven’t got one?’ I just said there are lots of different families and some have a daddy and some don’t.

I never tried to justify or explain why he wasn’t there and if they asked I would just honestly say I don’t know because I don’t know where he is and can’t speak to him. I would always emphasise that I’m here and will always be here. There were other issues that can’t be explained to children but when they’re older if they ask I will explain more clearly.

And then now they are very close to my DH, dd calls him dad so I suppose she never asks because she has him. DS is also very close to him and overall he’s a very practical child. I don’t think it would ever occur to him to ask about or miss someone who he has no memory of.

But yes phrasing it will depend. I would just say something short like ‘I’m sorry daddy isn’t being a very good daddy. I don’t know why that is and I’m sorry if it makes you feel sad’ then move on to something else. At the end of the day you shouldn’t even have to explain this and there’s nothing you can really say that will make him sound less totally shit.

@Kanaloa I’m glad your dc has someone to look upto as a father figure you have obviously managed an awful situation and done the best for your dc you sound like a great mum 😊

You sound like a great mum yourself. That’s why you’re so worried about this. It’s a shame that when dads decide to give up their responsibility as a parent it’s so often us mums left trying to pick up the pieces, manage as a mum alone and somehow manage our child’s disappointment at their own father and the effect that has on their little minds.

It was The Centre for Separated Families, I don’t know if they are still around but I am pretty sure you can still their amazing book from Amazon. It is called “Putting children First”

Mind you, you may want to retake that job at some point soon as long gone are the days when you could raise a child on benefits alone through childhood. You will be expected to return to work when he is 5, at least partially, to avoid losing your benefits and you will get far more money in benefits if you are working more than 16 hours. Entitledto.co.uk has a very nice calculator to explain how much better off you would be if you are working.

Personally, having a career break is my only regret in life. That little gap in my CV didn’t allow forme to get back into work at the same level and although it was long long time ago, I have not yet recovered from it. The regret comes because raising DS on my own, DS would have had access to many things and opportunities that he didn’t simply because I couldn’t afford it.

@Kanaloa thanks i am trying my best. It is s shame but my opinion is it’s him that’s missing out. He will miss out on the everyday accomplishments he won’t be the one to go tO sleep at night with the hugs and kisses and the i love yous, sod him my boy deserves better!

@GrandmasCat I have no intention of living off benefits long term. I want my children to have everything they deserve in life and more. My ex has left me in a position where I cannot return tI my previous career but I completely understand your sentiment. Personally I didn’t rake a career break as such I’m Just hopeful that my qualifications will alllow me to branch out into other areas

I'd absolutely be pursuing the maintenance. His denying your son is his is disgusting and this would be a strong reminder that he is indeed therefore undeniable. The amount is tiny but it's what it stands for that would matter to me

Sorry don’t think that bit was clear. I do claim maintenance via cms however as he is self employed and hides his income, along with falsely claiming universal credit- he only pays the minimum amount. It goes into an account for my son but it’s pathetic as he earns a significant amount of money. But yeah it’s the principle of it

Oh yes, there is no way you can go around the self employed / have his own business bit… my ex earns a 6 figure salary and has a lifestyle to prove it but… everything from his house to his holidays belongs to the company… he just reduced his paid income to a ridiculous level to avoid paying maintenance and got away with it.

@GrandmasCat yes it’s disgusting isn’t it

@GrandmasCat

Oh yes, there is no way you can go around the self employed / have his own business bit… my ex earns a 6 figure salary and has a lifestyle to prove it but… everything from his house to his holidays belongs to the company… he just reduced his paid income to a ridiculous level to avoid paying maintenance and got away with it.

This just makes me sick...honestly just makes me lost for words. Such selfish and greedy behaviour, these pieces of shit piss me off so much

@NickCarters90sCurtains yeah me too. Nothing to be done about it though. What sickened me the most was when I was in the process of trying to make him pay via cms, Googling help, the amount of “how to avoid paying child support”, “loop hole for cms” type results. It’s disgusting

Hi.
I have just come across this. I really hope you are both doing well.
I was in exactly the same position. My son was 4 years old and his father moved to another country and stopped contacting him.
I did not know what to say to my son or how to explain it.
I went to a child psychologist for advice. He said not to lie and not to bad mouth.
We said Daddy has gone to live away now in another country and we feel a bit sad about this but we hope daddy is happy. He also told me, my job as his mum was not to make decisions for him but only to support him. If he makes a great choice, I celebrate with him, if he makes a wrong choice, I hold him and commiserate with him.
Don't ever lie to him.
I provided stability and unconditional love. I refrained from letting my new partner move in. I gave my son compliments and tried to build his self esteem as much as possible.
My son is 17 now, in college with loads of friends and a girlfriend. People remark on what a great kid he is. I'm very proud mum.
Thought out the last 13 years he has never seen his dad, we have never had financial support from him.
The father tried getting in touch a few times thought the years, each time I gave him his son's number and left it to my son. It's their relationship now, not mine.
The father offered tickets and holidays for us to visit him. My son refused. My son asked him to visit his home, he wanted to show him his school and karate classes, the father refused.
No contact for a few years, few years later, same again pops up, the send a few messages, son decides they have nothing to talk about and stops responding. My son now is in bothered, leading a happy life. Don't let one man's pathetic actions define yours or your sons future. In this day and age, your son will have many friends with missing parents one way or another.