How can I help my little boy deal with dads rejection?

[SunsetsAndLollypops]

Hello. I’m hoping someone can offer me some advice as my heart is breaking for my 3 year old ds. Myself and his father split 8 months ago. I have facilitated contact in this time, they’ve had phone calls 3-4 times each week, dad has visited him (though inconsistently and has let him down multiple times). My ds loves his dad and is forever asking to see or speak to daddy. Just before Christmas his dad decided to tell me via text message that he does not believe ds is his child, an utterly ridiculous claim as he knows, however he has a history of abusive behaviour and does not care who he hurts with his spite. I fully believe he is attempting to hurt me with these comments rather than ds, as disgusting as his comments are. He has now decided he wants nothing to do with ds. My poor boy doesn’t understand what is going on and each time he asks to speak to dad or see daddy or when is daddy coming, he’s upset so much. I’ve been answering him with things like “daddy’s at work/his phones broken/etc” . I don’t know how long I can keep this up. Is it fair to keep lying to him? My friends and family say to keep this up and he will forget and stop asking at some point. Does anyone have any experience of this? I fully expect his dad to eventually contact him again at some point. I’m at the point now where enough is enough and I don’t want this kind of negative influence on my sons life. So what do I say to him? Obviously when hes older it will be easier to explain things to him (his dad is not a good influence and there is a history of abuse to me/drug addiction/cheating/using ds as and when it suits/harassment). Just hoping someone has some advice I guess. Will he stop asking? Is there a way to help him through this in a better way? I was abandoned by my own dad as a child and I know it has an impact on lives, it’s awful and I want to try my best to ensure my ds is not impacted by his effectively Sperm donors awful behaviour. Thanks for reading

As him to do a dna test then, I think he's saying this so he doesn't have to pay maintenance.
If you have something of his at home a toothbrush or hairbrush you can use it to do a dna test yourself.
Then contact CSA.
Your ex husband is a cunt. I'm glad you have left him. X

@Shiningpath I agree however I don’t think the poster meant anything sinister about this. It’s difficult and people will have different experiences amd opinions. I totally understand the sentiment as tbh at times it does feel like the best option to reply with @ok yes he’s not yours goodbye”.. however S I’ve said he doesn’t actually believe this to be true he is just trying to exert his last opportunity of control over me. Appreciate your reply though thank you

@lisaandalan haha yes he is a cunt! Made me laugh that . He doesn’t pay maintenance anyway I’m not bothered about that. And I’m glad I left him too 🤣

I have no real advice as my situation was different; my ds who is now 10 has never met his 'real' dad. But when he started to ask about dads and where his was, I didn't lie to him. I think that would have been the worst thing. I told him in an age appropriate way, and I quickly then told him about all the people in his family who love him very much etc etc.

As he has gotten older I've had to speak to him again about this but he knows I've never lied to him etc.

@squishyegg that’s reassuring thanks. Can I ask (and you don’t have to answer obvs) do you think this has had any impact on your ds? I’m just asking as I’d like to think by age 10 as your son is, he’ll be happy and ok without a father figure if that makes sense?

If your not bothered about the maintenance just tell him daddy isn't coming have fun with mummy instead and pull out your favourite thing to do with him at home I used to distract dd with drawing her dad dumped her when he had his new family she screamed tantrummed pissed her pants demanding I produce her father it didn't help when she was almost four I dialed dad's number put it on speaker phone she heard him cut off the phone then shut off the phone she wasn't stupid he was dead to her after that she spoke to him once after that when she was six and listed everything I bought her for Christmas in detail said got to go play now bye and put the phone in the bin she is 21 a uni graduate and fine without him

@FairFuming

I split from my ex in May last year. He has basically brushed his hands of our 5yo and 3yo he totally disappeared for over 3 months at one point and is having spotty and inconsistent contact with them now. Fortunately he wasn't about much even when we lived together so they are used to him not being around. I decided from the onset that I wasn't going to lie to them. When they ask where he is or why he hasn't been in contact I answer "I don't know but that isn't our fault" then normally tell them how amazing they are and how much I and all of our family love them. Sometimes my 5yo says maybe he's working and I just say maybe and then we change the subject.

She has once asked if he still loved her but I just said she was so amazing and anyone who didn't love her was missing out.

Its honestly so hard OP. My 3yo DS is obsessed with their dad but he's slowly transferring that bond to my father and brother its its them he asks for over the fickwit ex.

You are doing amazing and I hope this gets easier for both of us.

I dif similar to my ds.

I don't. Know.. i can't imagine not seeing you ds..

I don't know when he will see you again but has our number.. etc.

My dd has never met her dad so slightly different situation but she went though a phase she 3-4yo of asking about her daddy a lot and being v upset she couldn't see him.

I've never lied and told her some daddies aren't very good daddies but she has lots of people who love her very much. I kept as much stuff of her dads as I had and gave it to dd when she was around 10yo, I've always talked about him as positively as possible and tried to be sympathetic about the reasons he may have had for not being involved (not that he's a selfish prick!)

There are some kids books called 'Do I have a daddy?' And various all families are different type books which dd liked.

What @FairFuming has said seems the most reasonable.

My own father stopped seeing me at age 5 and I wondered for years and years why on Earth he stopped wanting me, until I discovered he was a raging alcoholic years later into my adult life (he died of Covid). His rejection changed me and hurt me so much, but knowing my mum loved me made a lot of things better. I still struggle as an adult but my mum’s love has made everything ok, I suppose.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies thanks I’ll have a look for these books

@Rno3gfr yeah I was the same. It’s the wondering “why aren’t I good enough “ and as you say mums love is good enough… but I suppose… that’s what gets me. I don’t want my boy growing up thinking he is t enough/ doesn’t warrant his dads love. It killed me as a kid and I still have these thoughts as a grown ass adult! Just feel such a failure landing my amazing boy with a deadbeat dad who will potentially cause him issues if he’s in or out of his life.

Honestly? I really don't think it has at all. He would be better off without him anyway as he was a total waste of space (drugs etc) and I know he'd only let him down! My ds is a wonderful boy who is very happy! I have a very close family and my dad has almost taken him on as the male role model xx

@squishyegg thank you that makes me feel a whole lot better 😊 you sound like a wonderful mum

That’s so sad 😞 your poor little gorgeous boy

I would be honest to and say I don’t know I know this makes you sad and it makes me sad too then of course tell him how much you love him and you are a little team (if you a pet they are part of the team too or a favourite teddy)

This is the approach when ds dad moved abroad (I’ve always been on my own) it wasn’t as bad as he kept in touch but ds felt abandoned. My dad walked out on me and making excuses for him didn’t help

@Theunamedcat I don’t want to get to the stage my ds is “pissing their pants” tonight I get the sentiment of teaching dad is a waste of space …

@OhWhyNot yeah I think this is the best approach vague but not blaming…

Sunsetsandlollipops.
I am so sorry that you and your poor little boy are going through this.
A very long time ago my then 3 year old girl saw her dad not even once a year. She would ask me why he didn't see her and I would say he was busy/at work. To be honest I didn't know what to tell her but I wish I had just said that he wasn't as nice as I'd thought. This might've eased things at the time. He turned up when she was about 6 and brought her a doll suitable for a 2/3 year old (think zips, buttons) she came into the kitchen and asked me who he was. I told her he was her dad. When she was about 9/10 we saw him near her school. They did say hello to each other but when she came out of school she told me that if her dad didn't want to be bothered with her she didn't want him either. Over the next 8 years he must've seen her about 3 /4 times. She got married when she was 23. Him and his wife and (supposedly her child) came to the wedding. They arrived as it ended. Outside photographer asked for usual, bride and groom, bride with mum and dad at this point my DD said "No it's just my mum". I asked her about it as I thought she may regret it in the future but she wouldn't budge. She did have a dance with him at the reception. He met our eldest gs (who is now 15) when he was 3 and our younger one when he was about about 4 (he is now 6) DD doesn't really bother about him at all. I always made clear to him that he would always be welcome to see her but he couldn't be arsed. My Dd is an extremely capable woman who knows her own mind and has coped very well with very challenging times over the last 15 years.
As long as your boy knows that you are there for him no matter what then you have got this and OP you can do this. 💐

Yes

We still talk about our team (includes the cat and his Pingu) years later

She did it as a tantrum get my daddy now or I will wet myself it was very sad to witness but I had to be the one to get her to clean herself up and the floor to make sure we didn't have a reoccurring episode like this I held firm and she never repeated the action because all it got her was wet pants you can only do your best I ended up being very firm its daddy's choice I've not moved he is supposed to be here if he doesn't show up life goes on

@notthemum thank you so much! I think that’s what’s been bothering me the most… the long term impact. I’m so glad to hear your dc have a healthy mindspace re their dad. You have obviously been more than enough for your children I hope I can be the same

Sunsetsandlollypops.
I promise you You are.

@notthemum thank you. You have no idea how much that means c

We have been there, we still are, best advice I got, from a charity that specialises in helping separated parents to parent or co parent their children was:

• Don’t make up an ideal but busy dad. That is lying to your child and can hurt him far more than just helping him to accept the situation, don’t ever fake communications from his dad.

-.If he asks you why dad didn’t show up, send cards/gifts, etc. The best answer is the truth, “I don’t know” and distract, distract, distract. In our case it was mostly “I really don’t know but shall we go to the park/for an ice cream/ call friend to invite to play, etc.

-Don’t tell him when he is having contact with dad (if he gets in touch again). If he doesn’t know when daddy is coming he doesn’t get hurt if he doesn’t show up. It is a nice surprise if he shows up, though.

• Don’t lie to your child, he will have questions but you don’t need to tell him all the truth in one go, just tell him what is appropriate for his age in words he can understand, you will build up on that truth over the years as his questions become more complex abd he becomes more mature to deal with extra information.

• If he starts thinking that his dad left because of him, tell him in no uncertain ways that dad’s leaving has absolutely nothing to do with him, that dad had other things in his mind or dealt with things in ways you cannot understand but that doesn’t mean at all that it is DS’ fault dad left.

• Children do not remember much about early childhood, much less so from what happened before they were 3 or 4 years old as long as you and other people don’t make an issue of it talking about his dad regularly, it would be second nature for him to go through life without his dad.

With regards to him not being his son, there is a very easy way to prove paternity, you ring the Child Maintenance Service to set a case, they contact your ex for payment, he will deny paternity so they will offer him a DNA test, which is more like forcing him to take the test as, if he refuses he has to pay maintenance anyway. Having said that, if you don’t need the money or he was a dangerous piece of work, sometimes it is better to leave them run so you can rebuild your life and that of your child without the pain and problems that come with having a nasty dad.

@Theunamedcat yeah I get the tantrum thing and how you dealt with that but in my position my ds isn’t tantrumming he’s just distraught that his dad has abandoned him

… and yes, it is far easier to raise a happy child without a dad, than raising him happy with a nasty dad, whether you are single, divorced or even married.