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Original poster

Am I invited to the wedding?

85 replies

Awkwardusername · 07/01/2022 17:39

My partners cousin is getting married on August; they sent the invite a few weeks ago and sent one invite to the family home, addressed to “The Smith’s”.

I automatically assumed I wasn’t invited (I don’t mind if I’m not!) however my partner pointed out that by then, I’ll be Mrs Smith, as we’re getting married before the wedding.

Partner isn’t particularly close to his cousin or auntie/uncle so feels weird asking, and partners mother has just said “yeah of course” I’m invited without actually finding out!

Help please!

OP posts:
BHX3000 · 07/01/2022 19:03

If this was you, how would you view it?

I wouldn’t be quite sure how to view it. Which is why I’d ask!

girlmom21 · 07/01/2022 19:04

@Awkwardusername

Just as a quick aside: without sounding awful, I hope I’m not invited! I don’t get on with the in laws to be anyway, the wedding is the day after we get back from holiday (August), and I’m hoping to be pregnant by then anyway!

Please don’t think you’re insulting me by saying I’m not invited!

But now you've been told you are invited you can't not go if you don't check because as far as the in laws are concerned they're RSVPing on your behalf and you know they are
LethargicActress · 07/01/2022 19:05

I’d assume the only smiths that are invited are the ones that live in the house the invitation was addressed to, but you think that might not be the case for some reason, which is why someone has to ask!

It’s awkward either way at this point. Do the in laws think you and/or their son are invited?

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings
Lollypop701 · 07/01/2022 19:07

Honestly it depends on how his family works and on the type of wedding! It might be fairly informal and They might not have your address so sent a general invite to all the family. If it’s more formal might be for your in-laws only. You don’t know, and you are family so not sure we can help!

sadpapercourtesan · 07/01/2022 19:07

I'd assume I wasn't invited, I wouldn't go and I wouldn't give it any more headspace.

But then, I loathe weddings and the weirdly brittle stylised etiquette that has grown up around them. The whole thing sets my teeth on edge.

lightisnotwhite · 07/01/2022 19:08

If you aren’t in a position to ask then you probably aren’t invited surely?
I agree you send the invite to the house and if you don’t live there you wait for one of your own.

Original poster
Awkwardusername · 07/01/2022 19:10

@LethargicActress

I’d assume the only smiths that are invited are the ones that live in the house the invitation was addressed to, but you think that might not be the case for some reason, which is why someone has to ask!

It’s awkward either way at this point. Do the in laws think you and/or their son are invited?

The in laws are absolutely adamant we’re both invited Confused
OP posts:
Bellyups · 07/01/2022 19:12

Your in laws are the ones causing confusion here.
The invite was sent to their address, using their Surname.
It does not include adult children who have left home. I think that’s quite clear, as do many of the pp.
Your in laws are assuming you are both invited (maybe they would like to you to be there), but all they are really doing is causing confusion and making a difficult situation

Original poster
Awkwardusername · 07/01/2022 19:13

@TakeYourFinalPosition

Neither of you are invited… just the people who live at the house that the invite was sent to. If you or DP were invited, you’d have had an invite sent to your home - even if it was delayed until after you’d moved, or given to his parents to pass to you.

To be honest, it sounds like it’d be unlikely you’d be invited anyway, if you’re not close enough to ask him if you’re invited and he’s not invited to yours.

Although I don’t think I’d ever ask someone if I was invited to their wedding if I hadn’t received an invite… perhaps if you & DP lived with your in-laws, but as it is, it’d come off a lot like you were angling for an invite.

This was almost my exact argument when discussing with DP! He said his siblings are even less close to the cousin than he is, so it would be weird for them to be invited but not him?

(We’ve caused endless family arguments with our wedding guest list so really don’t want to be fussy at all)

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 07/01/2022 19:13

Your MIL is probably insisting you two are invited because she doesn't fancy an entire day of dire speeches and awful music with only FIL for company Grin

Original poster
Awkwardusername · 07/01/2022 19:14

@Bellyups

Your in laws are the ones causing confusion here. The invite was sent to their address, using their Surname. It does not include adult children who have left home. I think that’s quite clear, as do many of the pp. Your in laws are assuming you are both invited (maybe they would like to you to be there), but all they are really doing is causing confusion and making a difficult situation
The siblings at home are 33 and 30, just for context! In laws definitely wouldn’t want me there, but I agree they’re causing confusion!
OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 07/01/2022 19:18

It works be odd to include the 2 other siblings as they live at home but not the one who moved out. (Would be less odd if siblings at home were 10/8 age)

So equally the in laws need to know if those 2 are invited else that wound be super awkward on the day too if they turn up uninvited!

MsSquiz · 07/01/2022 19:19

Why can't your partner just ask his cousin if he is invited?

NerrSnerr · 07/01/2022 19:20

Just send the cousin a message yourself. There must be some way of messaging them on messenger/ Instagram or somewhere else. Just because your in-laws won't do it doesn't mean you can't.

flowery · 07/01/2022 19:24

Why are you “not in a position to ask”??

heyhoehey · 07/01/2022 19:26

Well, an easy way round it is to contact them with some query about the wedding. Where to stay, dress code or some such thing. Make sure the query is from both of you. Their reply will indicate if you have made a mistake.Smile

DahliaMacNamara · 07/01/2022 19:27

As it stands, they haven't invited you. That doesn't mean, given your account of family politics, that they aren't expecting you to at least respond, which is clearly awkward. Since you don't want to/can't go, ask your ILs to RSVP that they, plus Kid A and Kid B, will/won't be attending. Then if they want an answer from you and your STBDH, they'll have to ask you direct.

heyhoehey · 07/01/2022 19:28

Or RSVP from both of you.

Mummabug18 · 07/01/2022 19:30

Personally, I would ask the cousin myself. Make it clear that you don't think you are invited but others are sure you are and you want to clear up the situation because you don't want to NOT attend and risk offending them nor do you wish to cause any embarrassment showing up if you haven't been accounted for. I would then end with something along the lines of "Please don't feel like you will cause any offence as, while I would of course be honoured to join you in celebrating, I, obviously, understand how expensive weddings are. Thanks and congratulations, 'Awkward' xx"

AllTheShitHappensToMe · 07/01/2022 20:22

Your partner saying you'll be a Smith by then so must include you is also another weird way of thinking, it doesn't sound like he or you are close enough to his cousin for them to even know you were changing your surname on marriage. Many women don't now so your partner is wrong in assuming that's what they've thought too, and by his same logic, that would mean any sisters of his who've changed name on marriage would be excluded. I think he's wrong that you're invited but also that he is too.

I would never assume any invite to my parents house was extended to every adult child and their spouse who'd moved out. We did a runner and got married in a registry office, but other siblings and cousins have either sent invites directly to my home or to my Mums to pass on to me.

If you won't ask them yourselves then I would not go. I'd send a card and maybe gift wishing them a great day etc etc. No way in hell would I risk being seen as the cheeky fuckers who turned up to a wedding uninvited for the rest of their lives 😂 and even worse, the bride could be writing a thread about you on MN about how they weren't invited to yours but you gatecrashed theirs.

LawnFever · 07/01/2022 21:26

The in laws are absolutely adamant we’re both invited

If you don’t want to go it’s utterly irrelevant anyway.

But you’re clearly not invited.

Talipesmum · 07/01/2022 22:13

I think they might have forgotten about you, or you’re not invited. Your fiancé should ask. It would be weird for you to ask I agree, but he should be able to.

Kite22 · 07/01/2022 22:17

I was kind of hoping to see how people interpreted the situation rather than being told “just ask” over and over again! If this was you, how would you view it?

I would view it as a confusing and vague invitation that therefore needed clarifying --and wonder why on earth the hosts didn't put "MiL. FiL, BiL, SiL, OP'sDF and OP" or "MiL & FiL" or whatever combination of people they actually want to invite.

If my in laws received an invite to ‘the Lawnfevers’ to their home it wouldn’t occur to me that it would be an invite for DH, me or his other siblings who don’t live at home.

Though, just before COVID, we did get an invitation to our house, addressed to "The Kites" , and, when we checked, they did want to invite our adult dc who were all a bit transient at the time, and the couple getting married didn't know their addresses...... so it just goes to show that people are different, and I am glad we checked, as were the B&G, and as were our adult dc.

I know asking is the best option but if my cousins fiancé asked me if they were invited to my wedding, I’d be baffled!

Confused I don't understand why you would be baffled. If you send out vague, unclear invitations, then you would be bound to get queries. Though I would expect it to come from my cousin, not his fiance.

As others have said, this is perfect Hi Cousin,
Mum and dad have said we're invited to your wedding but I think the invitation was just for them, can you clarify? (but your fiance needs to send it really, not you of course).

Cattitudes · 07/01/2022 22:22

Could you maybe arrange to meet up with cousin for drinks at some point. Presumably they know you are getting married so you could do it as a chatting about similar life stage approach and then discuss it with them then. Say that you had assumed the invite didn't include all the children and hadn't you decided to have a small wedding anyway so not an issue but PIL seem to think you are all coming. Or just politely decline on account of holiday.

midsomermurderess · 08/01/2022 01:03

So rather than asking anyone who knows you decide to ask strangers to guess? There is an increasing helplessness pervading this site.

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