So angry with normal child behaviour

[sochicsocheap]

Name change.

I want to point out that I am looking for genuine help and advice. No flaming or pilling on, I’m trying to change my RL for me and my children.

Ok, here goes. Whenever my DD5 is misbehaving or not listening etc I always feel super angry inside. Most of it is just usual silly kid stuff put I feel such rage. Like yesterday I told her not to jump in the puddle, she did and it pissed me off. Told her not to pick up stones, she did and again I’m pissed off. Told her to drop the stones, instead she walks to the end of the garden (we were on way home) and drops them there. Today told her not to walk in the mud and of course she’s walking in it. Most of the time I try to stay level headed and not let the anger out but there are times it does and I feel terrible for it. I love my daughter so much and I don’t want her to think I don’t or that I hate her. Would also love it if she bloody listened to me but I understand that is a separate issue.

My dad used to hit me as a child and was very emotionally controlling too so I’m super conscious of getting things wrong as a parent as I swore I would never be like him. I’m worried that maybe I am becoming just like him (I don’t smack her btw) and I know how badly that hers a child and I do not want to do that to her. Please help me 😭

Overall are their any other signs you could have some anxiety or depression? Some of my lowest times as a parent (losing my temper far too quickly) we’re when looking back I was suffering and didn’t realise. I finally got some help for my depression and my whole tolerance levels increased along with my mood.

I don’t think I have either. I usually try to be a glass half full type person. It’s only really DH & DD that make me feel this rage and I try to get over it as quickly as possible but sometimes it really festers and I have to just ride it out

You need a reset, as your parenting examples weren't great.

You can't 'will' yourself to be different, you need to unpick or redirect difficult situations.

I'd suggest trying to be relentlessly positive- it's hard and feels artificial but quickly becomes a habit that's second nature.

So instead of telling her not to go in the puddle, ask if she can tiptoe around the edge of it or jump it in one go. Instead of telling her not to mess with the stones, look at the different colours and ask her which she thinks is prettiest/biggest.

When you redirect her behaviour and your own thought processes, you'll start to see situations differently. It's not about controlling her or making her behave, but about spending time together.

Also, it's great that you've recognised it and are trying to adjust your behaviour. Be kind to yourself- you'll have more reserves to be kind to other people. Look after you. Try and work out what's bothering you.

Sorry you feel frustrated... Try to change your perspective in your little one's eyes... When you say no, don't do this, don't take that, stop... to her it's always nos and negative....
No matter how many repeat nos if it doesn't follow with consequences (Time out/ taking fav toy away for 5 mins etc) She will just do it anyway as Nos are just words.

Kids enjoy praise and might be worth allowing her to do something and line the day/ outing around the event. Jump in paddles, wear wellies... some prep and join in!!!

Are you doing anything fun for yourself? Getting enough sleep? Prioritise yourself for a bit of mummy time, belly laugh with friends then all will just fall into place 💐

I will be watching this for advice as I feel very similar to you.

My Father was also aggressive & emotionally abusive.

I get so, so angry when my 4 year old doesn't listen to me (which is all the time). I shout and sometimes scream and then I feel horrific afterwards.

I find I can have a word with myself and can hold it together for a few days and then will have a day where she does everything on the planet to wind me up and it's back to square one.

Hopefully someone will be along with some advice shortly.

Have a read of the Philippa Perry parenting book. It’s all about figuring out what your own triggers are and then how to build a good relationship with your child. It’s really interesting.

I'm not sure I have a lot of advice but when mine was a toddler I posted on here because I was just so lost as I'd had an awful upbringing. I asked for examples of good parenting so I could figure out how to do it. I got lots of lovely examples, but one thing that really stuck out to me was one poster (I still think about her - she still posts on here and I feel grateful to her all the time) saying that by asking for help and trying to change things I was already a better parent than mine had been - the fact that I cared was hugely important.

I just really wanted to say the same to you. Noticing the behaviour and trying to change it will help.

My only bit of advice, which doesn't work for everyone, is that if I ever get angry with my DD I always explain why, and apologise for shouting if I did.

I know someone will be here with good advice soon, but you're already taking the right steps.

@SwanShaped

Have a read of the Philippa Perry parenting book. It’s all about figuring out what your own triggers are and then how to build a good relationship with your child. It’s really interesting.

oh YES and this - I loved that book.

How’s your mood otherwise?
And if you don’t mind me asking your age? Could your hormones be out of balance?

I could have written your post word for word OP. My ds is also 5 and I have a 3 year old as well, sometimes I just feel so angry over totally normal kids stuff. With ds it's stuff like endlessly yelling poo, being destructive with his toys, running about indoors etc. Some days I just feel like I'm caught in a downwards spiral of anger where every little thing just makes me more and more snappy, I find myself stomping about and yelling at the drop of a hat. I also had an extremely controlling and emotionally abusive dad who "smacked" us in a way that would probably be considered abusive nowadays. I also swore I would never be like him and am very low contact with him but too many days I feel like I can hear his voice coming out of my mouth. I adore my children and feel desperately guilty. I was very into "gentle parenting" when they were babies - we coslept, I did extended breastfeeding, no CIO etc. But at some point I seem to have morphed into a different kind of parent, one that I detest. I've got an appointment with a doctor tomorrow morning where at the very least I want to get a prescription for anti depressants. I've taken them before and think it might help. I'm also thinking of trying to find a parenting class or something like that. My 3 year old starts nursery tomorrow so I should be going back to work part time soon, clearly being a SAHM has run it's course for me. Something needs to change one way or another, I can't keep going like this or my kids will grow up thinking of me the same way I think about my dad.

Some of the things that make you angry could be reduced so that what might be normal irritation does not blow up to anger.
For example unless she was dressed for a party all of your examples seem hugely controlling and I don’t mean to be critical.
If your expectations were that she could jump in the puddle (put wellies on) pick up the mucky stones or take a little bag they love collecting bits at that age then the walk would not have made you angry.
If you can change what stresses you then it could help reduce that rage feeling.
If you think about all the things you said no to none of them mattered really.
If you put all these small to your eyes naughty actions together all day no wonder you are angry.
It’s really hard I struggled but I reduced what I gave a sod about and then it reduced my stress. Ive still got a pile of sticks by the front door that my youngest collected on every walk.

Were you allowed to have “normal”childhood behaviours when you were a child? Often what triggers us as parents is behaviour which we were not allowed to indulge in.

Alot of small children don't hear/process the word 'dont' in an instruction, so 'don't jump in the puddle' becomes 'jump in the puddle' as the phrase is too long for their brains to process. Try and rephrase your commands into a short positive phrase instead.

Your frustration and anger probably comes from the fact that she isn't obeying you / following your instructions. When you give negative 'dont' instructions then you can get into a cycle of negative phrases all day which then makes you feel negative too.

Also think about why you didn't want her to jump in a puddle or pick up stones both normal favourite toddler activities good for both their fine and gross motor skills. Can you solve the problem in a different way, she can wear a splash suit and wellies outside if you have a puddle splasher etc. If you don't want to carry lots of stones tell her she can only choose one (I live by the beach and if I hadn't put this one in place would have 1/2 the local beach in my back garden).

Are you happy with your family life in general op? The fact that you feel this way towards dh and dd makes me wonder if you are resentful of them in some way? Do you feel your needs are being met? Are you happy with the balance of household responsibilities? What about your career/aspirations, are they being prioritised?

My mum operated on a "Why say no when you can say yes" basis. No, I couldn't jump in a puddle on the way to school because I would be wet, yes I could jump in them on the way home as I could change easily.

Some of my favourite parenting moments have happened following this concept, preteen Dd and I were at the beach one day having only popped out for an ice cream and didn't have are swimming stuff but the waves looked big and fun, and she asked if we could go in, I was about to say no but changed my mind, so in we went with our are shorts and tshirts and left our hoodies on the beach. Yes, we went home wet and I could have easily said no but it was the best fun and DD still talks about it now.
So try and relax and really think about why you say no and the worst that would happen if you say yes. You may find yourself being less angry.

Why not issue fewer instructions. Does it matter if she picks up stones for example? Just let her.
Also wellies on days with puddles and so it matters less.
I guarantee she will not be picking up stones or jumping in muddy puddles forever. Much past about 8 ime.
Running in road for example is different and so reserve your instructions for things that matter, dangerous activities. Don’t sweat the small stuff as they say.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

What brilliant advice. I'm going to keep that in mind. I dont particularly struggle with anger towards my children, but sometimes catch myself saying no without any real reason, just that what it is they want is more hassle/mess etc. We could be missing out on some amazing things like that.

Do you get enough sleep? I find being tired hugely increases my tendency to get angry over small stuff.

My tips would be:

• more sleep

• more self care (being hungry or thirsty or needing a wee can also make people more angry)

• remember that this is totally normal child behaviour

• try to see things from her perspective as much as you can

• Imagine a TV camera is filming you (works in my more ragey moments)

FWIW I found age 4/5 the most difficult in terms of them being infuriating. After that it got a lot better.

I think it might help you to sign up for a parenting course, some of the ones that local authorities offer free are really helpful.

Remember that if you tell a small child not to do something, then you are focusing their attention on the something. What you want to do, if they really shouldn't do the thing, is focus their attention on something else. Distract and divert.

And also, think about why you are saying no. Does it have to be no? Can it be yes instead?

A lot of people say that it helps them to parent in the way that they would like if they imagine that someone is watching them. Kind of fake it till you make it.

But really - look at parenting courses, they will help you change your mindset and that is what you need after the the parenting that you were shown when you were little.

Why did you tell her not to do those things? If it’s because she wasn’t wearing the right clothing then get it for her. Make her put them on as soon as you pick her up and let her do whatever she wants.

I'd second preparing for puddle jumping if there's ever any. Also to do anything as long as it's not a direct H&S risk. In terms of getting discipline, doing as told, reas 'how to get little kids to listen ".

First of all, we all feel that way sometimes, so please dont best yourself up too much. It’s how you manage it

Maybe you can address the problem differently which might help. So for example, instead of telling her “don’t jump in the puddle” which makes her test your boundaries cos she’s a kid and she knows you react to it, get her to stop doing it by suggesting something else to distract her from whatever is annoying you

For example
Kid heads to puddle
You - it’s a bit cold and wet for puddle jumping. Why don’t we try and cross the pavement without treading on the cracks instead?
Then you show her what you mean, she’s distracted, stops doing what is irritating you, issue resolved and it doesn’t escalate. Only good for minor irritations (she will stop puddle jumping as she gets older anyway) not dangerous stuff like running in the road where she HAS to understand why she shouldn’t do it.

Appreciate this wont always work but worth a try!

Lol hadn’t read the thread first but just looked up thread and saw someone saying much the same!

Oh @sochicsocheap don't be so hard on yourself.

I also think one way to re-set a bit and get some coping strategies is to figure out what your trigger points are, then try and avoid them versus see them unfold and get cross.

Pick your battles. Sometimes it is easy to start to say "don't" but maybe think why and consider less instructions might make listening to the important ones more easily.

Different things wind up different ppl.

I was always relaxed about mud and dirt etc (not on the way to school-just when playing) but the dinner table pushed my buttons.

You sound like every Mum with DC of those ages so do be kind to yourself. You are self aware and that is def what you need to sort things.