So angry with normal child behaviour

[sochicsocheap]

Name change.

I want to point out that I am looking for genuine help and advice. No flaming or pilling on, I’m trying to change my RL for me and my children.

Ok, here goes. Whenever my DD5 is misbehaving or not listening etc I always feel super angry inside. Most of it is just usual silly kid stuff put I feel such rage. Like yesterday I told her not to jump in the puddle, she did and it pissed me off. Told her not to pick up stones, she did and again I’m pissed off. Told her to drop the stones, instead she walks to the end of the garden (we were on way home) and drops them there. Today told her not to walk in the mud and of course she’s walking in it. Most of the time I try to stay level headed and not let the anger out but there are times it does and I feel terrible for it. I love my daughter so much and I don’t want her to think I don’t or that I hate her. Would also love it if she bloody listened to me but I understand that is a separate issue.

My dad used to hit me as a child and was very emotionally controlling too so I’m super conscious of getting things wrong as a parent as I swore I would never be like him. I’m worried that maybe I am becoming just like him (I don’t smack her btw) and I know how badly that hers a child and I do not want to do that to her. Please help me 😭

You need a reset, as your parenting examples weren't great.

You can't 'will' yourself to be different, you need to unpick or redirect difficult situations.

I'd suggest trying to be relentlessly positive- it's hard and feels artificial but quickly becomes a habit that's second nature.

So instead of telling her not to go in the puddle, ask if she can tiptoe around the edge of it or jump it in one go. Instead of telling her not to mess with the stones, look at the different colours and ask her which she thinks is prettiest/biggest.

When you redirect her behaviour and your own thought processes, you'll start to see situations differently. It's not about controlling her or making her behave, but about spending time together.

I agree with this, but I'd go a step further.

She sounds so much like my own DD was at a young age. We used to call her Contrary Mary, whatever you asked her to do, she stubbornly did the opposite. It used to wind me up a lot at times too as it can be very difficult to manage if trying to get things done & yiu just know it's deliberately challenging.

I was lucky to have childcare experts in my uncle & friends. My uncle knew me as a kid too & said I was exactly the same way & it's a sign of intelligence. Basically you've got a bright little button on your hands & they are bright enough to know exactly how to challenge you for best effect & they love a challenge.

I found actually making things a challenge had her jumping through hoops & doing exactly as I wanted.

Picking up stones & my wanting her to put them down because there was a good reason that I needed her to be clean or whatever, would have me say "I bet you can't put those stones down without getting your hands dirty" or, I bet you can't walk around that puddle & not get your feet wet". I bet like mine she'd jump at the chance to prove you wrong. Starting an instruction with "I bet you cant" worked brilliantly with my competitive little monkey.

I would also say pick your battles though & let her choose for herself at times, a bit of water or dirt does no real harm to them & the freedom to explore is wonderful for them & wonderful for you to see too with a chance of mindset & relaxing a bit

You do sound also anxious & stressed whether you are acknowledging that or not. You want to get this right, so you are already nearly there, but putting yourself under so much pressure as your own childhood leaves you clearly feeling out of your depth. You are not out of your depth at all, but low self esteem tells you that you are. Seek counselling, somewhere like a Womens Centre or your GP, if nothing else it gives you a place to offload & reassurance that you are not as bad as you think you are.💐

Honestly I’d like to thank you all so much for your advice/help. I really mean that. I feel so much more positive about the situation now and feel like my mindset is going to adjust, I’ll make sure of it.

I actually ordered the Phillippa Perry book before Xmas but tucked it away for the new year and I’ve only just remembered that now 🤦🏻‍♀️ I had better dig it out!

Lovely advice here OP but also...be easy on yourself you have a six month old. I look back in horror at how I spoke to my older child when I had a second baby. I was just so tense and exhausted I treated him like a naughty child when he was so tiny himself.

It's a beautiful thing of young children that they want to explore the world around them. Jo 5 year old in thr world is going to have the impulse control to immediately obey every adult instruction. How boring it would be if they did.

Also . Remember they are usually under pressure constantly at school to obey literally hundreds of tiny instructions. Sit here ..do this.. Read this...cross your arms like this...it is natural their self control will relax the moment they are back with mummy who they love and trust.

Maybe let the journey home be a playful relaxed one and just bear in mind their tired mind may not always listen to more instructions very well.

I was actually with some friends at thr weekend and noticed that one mum said no a lot more than others did and she seemed very stressed. I think if we let go a bit of micro managing children it also can make us relax a bit.

@sochicsocheap

I don’t think I have either. I usually try to be a glass half full type person. It’s only really DH & DD that make me feel this rage and I try to get over it as quickly as possible but sometimes it really festers and I have to just ride it out

Totally hear you op. I've recently started some HRT and it's helped calm me down. How old are you?

@Greydogs123

Were you allowed to have “normal”childhood behaviours when you were a child? Often what triggers us as parents is behaviour which we were not allowed to indulge in.

This is a really great question. I find myself similar to you OP, also have kiddies of similar ages. For me I think my rages are really down to my own anxieties about something. Ie if I was not allowed to jump in a puddle as a kid, then I'm kind of programmed to be anxious when my child does. Could this apply to you too? I am watching this thread with interest as much of what you have detailed, I am experiencing too. I am considering a GP's appointment to discuss either a hormone imbalance or something to help with my anxiety. Like you I can't bear the thought of my kids having the sad childhood that I had.

Given that you have a 6 month old too, I'd definitely say cut yourself some slack & be kind to yourself.

I'd also suggest getting your B12 levels checked by your GP, get a copy of your results so you can double check, if they say it's negative. It's a poorly understood deficiency & often missed. Having recently given birth puts you at risk of deficiency for a few reasons, if you're vegetarian, then the risk is higher still. This would definitely explain your lowered tolerance & would add to exhaustion

I can relate to a lot of this. YY to the emotionally (and physically) abusive, shouty father- and now I’m a shouty, intolerant mum myself. Worst, I can hear DS1 (11) using a harsh, sharp voice that comes from me on his little brother (6) all the time- bossing and micromanaging him. I shout at DS1, he goes and finds something to shout at DS2 about. It’s such a mess

I needed to read this today and I’m so grateful for people sharing their experiences. I feel forever guilty that I’m not the mum I want to be- I just don’t recognise myself and the way I parent. I know better but just can’t stop snapping and showing my frustration

I could have written this post. My two DDs are older but in the last few weeks I feel full of rage when they disobey me, or are rude (pretty much constantly). I can go a whole day and never hear a civil word said to me. I screamed in DD1s face and still feel awful.
My parents were hitters. I’ve never hit mine but I shout too much. I feel pretty broken by it all right now. I’m wondering if hormones are playing a part. I’m resolved to do better and am following with interest.

My childhood pretty much consisted of either doing what my dad wanted or staying out of his way. When we were alone with mum I could be a child but otherwise I was on edge pretty much all the time. I don’t remember at what age I became a problem to my dad; my sister was the apple of his eye and I was the shit on his shoe. My mum tried her best but it was like living a double life

It’s so sad that a fair few of us have shared a similar experience and we are still suffering the consequences as PP have said, at least we recognise and want to/are trying to change

There is some excellent advice already on here but I'd think about WHY you don't want her to do that stuff.

Was it because she was on way to school and you don't want her cold, wet dirty?
If yes then just say puddle jumping is best on way home or could you wear wellies and change at school gate?

Were you on limited time? So no time for the meandering kids like doing? Could you leave earlier or say we'll walk home collecting stones/go to woods on Saturday when we have more time.

Was it dangerous at the time? Were you worried what people thought of you or her or your parenting?

I would also think about how you were parented. Did you parents stop you doing stuff like this? What could their reasons have been if they did? I know when I have some bizarre rule or idea about behaviour, DH has to point out to me that just because my mum Hyacinth Bucket insisted on it doesn't mean it is the right and proper thing to do.

I would also consider whether anxiety or depression could be an issue. The only time I felt the rage over minor stuff like this was when I wasn't quite well but didn't realise it. When on tablets I handled it all so much better and am off them now. The dc were much less stressed and anxious too.

Follow some gentle/positive parenting insta accounts for tips -
Little.mama.shark
Big.little.feelings
Mr chazz

The "gently raising smalls" page is a handy FB page too (although I do find it a bit...much at times).

A huge part of parenting is reparenting your inner child. Your instincts will automatically switch to how you were treated as a child and so you have to retrain your brain to react and support your child better.
Pp had good suggestions avoid No and Don't in favour of do this or do that. It really does make a difference.

I'm in the fortunate/unfortunate position of my mum minding my toddler while I work from home (we all live together). So I see as an outsider when he's "misbehaving" and she's trying to stop him. Throwing things from his high chair is a prime example just now. I hear her saying "Noooo" "whyyy" "don't throw that" and even before he throws anything "don't you throw that on the floor" and guess what he does next...
I tend to have a space for him to put food on the table and draw his attention to this say "food goes in our mouths or on the table" etc etc.
I've told my mum she gives him such an exciting reaction of course he's going to continue!

I have been in your place OP, and similarly had issues in childhood.

I think it boils down to not having learned how to express emotions normally when growing up. There’s a lot that just gets shut down and then as an adult under stress (baby and young child) it can come out in inappropriate ways.

I’ve had therapy which is what really helped. Would recommend it if you can afford it. If not then there are lots of self help books, and remember the first step is recognising it so well done for that.

I will also add that up until my son was 14 or 15 months i suffered bouts of intense rage almost daily. It was mostly due to sleep deprivation after the initial post partum depression had passed (never recognised it at the time, but have retrospectively).
I had found gentle parenting accounts at around 1 year but it took a few months for the ideas to change my actions and thus my behaviour towards my son. So I know where you're coming from but feel I'm now on the right path.

I also could have written your post and want to thank you for starting the thread. I always thought I had a great childhood and becoming a parent, the scales fell and I am still trying to process it all. I started therapy last year because I found myself rages with DH and kids the same as you, in situations I knew didn’t warrant it, and always connected to them not listening to me. It made me feel humiliated and like I failed.

One of the things I have seen through therapy is how I coped with my mums anger and emotional ups and downs, was to be ‘a good girl’. Largely if I behaved exactly as she wanted then I got treated warmly. But I can see now that the whole process totally eroded my understanding of how I felt, made me feel terrified of making mistakes or being ‘selfish’ by not putting everyone else’s needs first. I think sometimes my childrens ‘naughty’, egocentric behaviour can be quite triggering for me as over time it became so ingrained that behaving like that would mean I was bad.

I am having some successes with reversing my responses after lots of talking and reflecting. And I am seeing my 6yr old with some of these ‘good girl’ traits and it horrifies me, but also it’s what I want as it makes my life easier! Such a conflict. Luckily DH does not have the same issues at all and encourages her to be a bit of a rogue, and I can join in with this. We don’t want to raise people who are ridiculously compliant. DH jokes that I would have died in the twin towers when people were told to go upstairs and just followed instructions, while others followed their instincts. Breaking a rule makes me sweat intensely!! Anyway that’s a long ramble but I really recommend a therapeutic space for yourself, best thing I’ve ever done.

Your experience and post really resonates with me. I had a very controlling, aggressive Dad and an absent mum. I am short tempered with my child, one in particular. For very similar reasons to what you describe. She's now a teenager and I still struggle. You've had some good advice on parenting but I would say sort your head out. All the positivity and reward charts in the world will mean nothing when you lose control. I hate not feeling listened too. Don't let yourself be drowned by your family otherwise your feelings will get worse. Talk to your husband and look for his support. Relationships with your kids is the most important thing, you can make this much better. Definitely apologise when you get it wrong. Good luck x

I very much relate you your post OP. I'm on meds again now - only 2-3 weeks in - and already feel my tolerance increasing.

Like you and other PPs I was badly smacked by my dad as a child. It's horrific thinking back! I'm one of 4 and we were all smacked, and I'd never do that to my child.

Thank you for posting, I haven't rtft yet but feel solidarity with many posters here

It’s not so much saying ‘yes’ to her all the time, but telling her what you want her to do, not what you don’t want her to do.

So, don’t say, ‘Don’t jump in the puddle and get your shoes all muddy.’ So tempting…
Try the suggestions from a PP, ‘Let’s tiptoe around the edge, let’s jump right over it.’ Or distract. ‘What’s that funny looking bird over there? Come and see. Where’s it gone?’

That’s what’s meant by being positive. Some children hear, ‘Don’t jump in the puddle,’ and think, ‘Ooo, that would be fun.’ Best to tell them what you do want them to do, and try to make that fun instead.

I hope you find the book useful. It’s definitely a work in progress book, as in, it takes time and effort to change. It doesn’t just magically happen. I’m still working on it. Every day.

Agree with not saying what you don't want her to do as it puts the idea in her head.

Eg instead of saying "don't jump in the puddle, you'll get your shoes wet" say "stay on the dry bit, keep your feet nice and warm"

When handing a child a drink, don't say "don't spill it!" say "make sure it all stays in the cup"

Alot of small children don't hear/process the word 'dont' in an instruction, so 'don't jump in the puddle' becomes 'jump in the puddle' as the phrase is too long for their brains to process. Try and rephrase your commands into a short positive phrase instead.
This

Hi
I found this post and honestly could've written it myself! Had abusive parents and now I get so so angry with my 3 year old.
I just wondered how things are now? What did you find helped?

The How to talk so kids will listen book is brilliant for these sorts of scenarios.

The minute you tell your child 'don't jump in that puddle' they hear 'jump in the puddle'

It's a bit like telling someone not to think of a yellow elephant- immediately you think of a yellow elephant!

What you have to try and do is tell the kid what you want them to do so using the above example you'd say 'can you please walk on the dry bits of the pavement' if they moan you might say 'when we get home you can get your wellies on for puddle jumping.'

This makes total sense to me. I hate it when I ask my ds (nearly 3) a direct question and he just blanks me.

I have similar feelings to you. I think the important thing is they are just feelings and they aren’t a reflection on our love for our children and they are quashed.