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Original poster

Fixing sex sulks in a marriage

75 replies

StopSulking · 02/01/2022 16:22

Lucky me, I have a husband who sulks / mopes / sighs / strops about / gets in a depressive funk if we don't have sex often enough (at least every couple of days). This is the least sexy thing ever. It makes me curl up inside. I have spent literally years explaining how unsexy and unappealing it is, written it down clearly in emails, sent him links to stuff, bought books, I have even drawn bloody diagrams - and it has all been an utter waste of breath. We have a four year old and he's been like this since about a week after birth. I understand that he thinks that sex=love and I also know he has shit self esteem. I still don't want to have sex with someone who is such a grumpy wanker about it. Especially if I then get told afterwards that it is a bit boring.

I am sick to death of it. Really fed up at being sighed at, moped at, treated like some kind of malfunctioning sex robot, constantly being blamed for his shit moods and lack of enthusiasm for anything else in life.

You can tell me to leave, it's easy to do from behind a keyboard. I have been told this by friends IRL too, I've been told that it is abusive by counsellors. I don't really want to leave, I want to stay and be happier. What I'm hoping for is to hear from people who have been in this kind of situation and found a way through it to a happier relationship.

I can see four options:

  • leave him
  • stay and 'give in' more often (so so so so problematic)
  • leave things as they are where he is miserable, it takes up huge amounts of my mental energy and is so draining, and the tension is witnessed by our kid
  • hope that he stops this shit behaviour (through some kind of act of God perhaps because nothing I say makes a damn bit of difference)

Anyway. Has anyone actually been where I am but improved it?

OP posts:
Wombat43 · 02/01/2022 16:24

Why are you expecting him to change?

Peridot1 · 02/01/2022 16:25

You can’t fix it. Unless as you say you give in more.

Only he can ‘fix’ it.

You’ve tried.

Newbeginnings2022 · 02/01/2022 16:28

Get him on antidepressants and kill his libido!

*lighthearted

Interested in this thread?

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Marriage & partnerships Relationship problems
Thissucksmonkeynuts · 02/01/2022 16:29

2 things helped here ( for a while) one was sex therapy at Relate, the second was when he went to train with a charity that supports victims of sexual abuse.
I understand the bind you are in. Of course every woman should be able to break free from a man when they need to, but that isn't he reality.

Newbeginnings2022 · 02/01/2022 16:29

But in all seriousness I had this too and it gave me the ick. No advice but I understand how awful it is.

PostmanSplat · 02/01/2022 16:30

I was where you are. I tried absolutely everything to improve it. It didn’t work.

I wouldn’t explain it to him again. He knows that it upsets you, he chooses to continue that behaviour. He is deliberately causing you distress in order to get what he wants. I know that this isn’t what you want to hear but what would you be telling your friend/sister/daughter in this situation? You deserve better

Ragwort · 02/01/2022 16:31

The best lesson I ever learned in life is that you can't change anyone ... you can only change yourself.

He won't change .... maybe if you really don't want to leave at least suggest a trial separation... if he really has low self esteem would that shock him into realising how serious you are?

Nathlash · 02/01/2022 16:32

leave things as they are where he is miserable, it takes up huge amounts of my mental energy and is so draining, and the tension is witnessed by our kid

What about, if you really won't leave, accept that you cannot change the situation, and he doesn't want to, so work on improving your mental hygiene so that you are not devoting so much mental energy to it and him?

Have you considered counselling?

Akire · 02/01/2022 16:34

Sounds awful, does he have any idea how close you are to leaving? Does never having sex with you seem better to him than toning down his demands to something balanced out your feelings?

Is he really willing throw it all way or it’s sex every other day or nothing? Though to be fair if he can’t see it from your point of view and understand why it’s such a turn off then no you are never going get there.

I would argue someone who consistently puts his needs and demands before your feelings does not have low self esteem quite the opposite. You are the one who can’t put yourself above him, it’s your self esteem being trodden to the ground.

pennysays · 02/01/2022 16:49

I had this. But it was a bit different because his expectations changed after we had our child and we are working on finding a rhythm together. It was many many frustrating years and endless arguments but it did resolve itself, Howerer I think my dp sounds a bit more receptive than yours.

Although. As part of it I did change my expectations around how much sex we would have - what I found out about myself was that I think I need to be completely there mentally to have sex but actually often if I can ‘get over the hump’ then I really enjoy it. So we also met a bit more in the middle. You don’t say if you enjoy sex with your dh?

frankiefirstyear · 02/01/2022 16:51

I had a similar issue so I asked my (now)ex to go elsewhere to get 'serviced'. Which he did after a while. I was absolutely sick of being treated like a sex toy. Interestingly enough I have a high libido but my respect for him had gone and I felt zero sexual desire for him. We lived together like best friends for a while and it worked well, much better than him repulsing me and 'sleep shagging' me 🤯 there are apps for married men apparently and that's where he went to get himself seen to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/01/2022 16:53

Why do you think your child should grow up in a household filled with tension, resentment and watching dad emotionally manipulate mum?

Suprima · 02/01/2022 16:55

Do you enjoy sex when you do have it?

NearlyAHoarder · 02/01/2022 16:57

Eugh

That sounds awful.

55mirabeau · 02/01/2022 17:02

We went to relate and it has always stuck with me when the counsellor said “men need to have sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex”.

The more they sulk and strop the less you want to have anything to do with them and it just spirals. If he won’t accept that he is part of the problem directly from you, maybe he would from a counsellor of some description.

Good luck.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/01/2022 17:05

Well you’ve given him plenty of time to change and he hasn’t, the obvious answer is to leave him.

moochies · 02/01/2022 17:05

We went to relate and it has always stuck with me when the counsellor said “men need to have sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex”.

That's bang on.

FinallyHere · 02/01/2022 17:08

spent literally years explaining how unsexy and unappealing it is

Oh lovely, this is never going to get better.

Very sorry to add to your woes, but, you are describing a man to whom it is so important to have sex that he honestly doesn't care whether you want it or not.

He doesn't deserve you, just dump him.

Has anyone actually been where I am but improved it?

Only by dumping him. Sorry.

MintMatchmaker · 02/01/2022 17:10

You’ve told him how it makes you feel and he doesn’t care enough to change.

That should tell you all you need to know.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 02/01/2022 17:15

He won't change, you've told him in more ways than one how it makes you feel.

You won't leave.

I'm not sure what you want from this thread? You can't 'fix' this. Friends have told you he's abusive, councillors have told you it's abusive. Confused

wildseas · 02/01/2022 17:33

Hes not listening because he doesn’t care if his behaviour turns you off. He doesn’t care if you’re turned on - he just wants you to sleep with him whether or not you are in the mood.

In this position I would leave. If you really don’t want to then one approach would be to sit him down and explain that every single time he sulks about sex you will ban it for a week. And stick to that with a calander in the kitchen and crosses on no sex days.

Whether I could ever bring my self to sleep with someone I had to do that with would be a different question......

Hippychicken1 · 02/01/2022 17:36

@Newbeginnings2022
😂😂 tramadol is the best, one kills a dick dead 😂

Wizzbangfizz · 02/01/2022 17:37

What do you want from your sex life? When he says it is boring what does he want instead? You say you don't want to
Leave but unless you find some kind of middle road it isn't going to work.

Immaculatemisconception · 02/01/2022 17:39

I left my sex pest DH. It was the only option really.

Anothernick · 02/01/2022 17:39

@moochies

We went to relate and it has always stuck with me when the counsellor said “men need to have sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex”.

That's bang on.

I agree (I'm a man BTW). My love for my DW is always at its most profound after we have had sex. And if I go too long without then it affects my mood and I can become edgy but I do my level best not to show it. We discuss our sex life regularly so problems can be sorted out before they get serious. The problem for the OP is that she has tried to discuss the issue and her DH is not engaging or understanding and his attitude is all wrong - sex, like most things in a relationship , involves compromise and communication. The way to get more is to make sure she enjoys it when you do it and to learn to read her mood so you know when to jump. It really isn't that difficult.

If he is unwilling to compromise then you are in a difficult position - you probably need to make it clear that leaving is on the cards if he doesn't change and hopefully this will shock him into engaging with the issue. If I come on to my DW and she's not interested she tells me to sort myself out, which she is happy for me to do in front of her - a satisfactory solution for both of us - could you suggest that?

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