Fixing sex sulks in a marriage

[StopSulking]

Lucky me, I have a husband who sulks / mopes / sighs / strops about / gets in a depressive funk if we don't have sex often enough (at least every couple of days). This is the least sexy thing ever. It makes me curl up inside. I have spent literally years explaining how unsexy and unappealing it is, written it down clearly in emails, sent him links to stuff, bought books, I have even drawn bloody diagrams - and it has all been an utter waste of breath. We have a four year old and he's been like this since about a week after birth. I understand that he thinks that sex=love and I also know he has shit self esteem. I still don't want to have sex with someone who is such a grumpy wanker about it. Especially if I then get told afterwards that it is a bit boring.

I am sick to death of it. Really fed up at being sighed at, moped at, treated like some kind of malfunctioning sex robot, constantly being blamed for his shit moods and lack of enthusiasm for anything else in life.

You can tell me to leave, it's easy to do from behind a keyboard. I have been told this by friends IRL too, I've been told that it is abusive by counsellors. I don't really want to leave, I want to stay and be happier. What I'm hoping for is to hear from people who have been in this kind of situation and found a way through it to a happier relationship.

I can see four options:

• leave him
• stay and 'give in' more often (so so so so problematic)
• leave things as they are where he is miserable, it takes up huge amounts of my mental energy and is so draining, and the tension is witnessed by our kid
• hope that he stops this shit behaviour (through some kind of act of God perhaps because nothing I say makes a damn bit of difference)

Anyway. Has anyone actually been where I am but improved it?

Put up or ship out.

If my dh told me I was boring I bed he would be booted out...

Fuck that shit OP. Life is too short to feel like you chose between having sex you don't want or a sulky fucking manchild sexpest stropping around.

Ltb. Buy flick lit and enjoy a sex life on your own terms and live happily ever after.

"I also know he has shit self esteem."
I'm not seeing any shit self-esteem, I'm only seeing entitlement.

OP, I read on here years ago this sentence -
"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got."

You have "spent literally years explaining how unsexy and unappealing" his behaviour is to you. That's what you've always done. How's that working out, huh? It isn't. So you are going to HAVE to do something different, OR you're going to have to accept what you've always got.

You posted
"I can see four options:
- leave him
- stay and 'give in' more often (so so so so problematic)
- leave things as they are where he is miserable, it takes up huge amounts of my mental energy and is so draining, and the tension is witnessed by our kid
- hope that he stops this shit behaviour (through some kind of act of God perhaps because nothing I say makes a damn bit of difference)

And you're right. Those are your four options. He has no reason to stop this shit behaviour, so that rules out option 4. Option 3 shouldn't be taken because that is no life for any of you but particularly, it is no life for your child and I hope you wouldn't condemn them to live such a life regardless of your willingness to condemn yourself to it. Option 2 is indeed problematic; for you being a "sex robot", for your child to live in that dynamic, and for your husband to be 'rewarded' for his shitty behaviour and so think he's right to do so.

That leaves option 1, leave. But - "You can tell me to leave, it's easy to do from behind a keyboard. I have been told this by friends IRL too, I've been told that it is abusive by counsellors. I don't really want to leave, I want to stay and be happier. "

Well you can't stay and be happier. You can stay and be a sex robot, you can stay and he can drain the life out of you and your child. That's it. He isn't going to change unless and until he needs to, and that's only going to happen if you stop putting up with this shit and either leave or throw him out. That's your only hope that he will take any steps to change himself - when he needs to.

Your call.

I have one of these OP. I love him dearly but I don’t always LIKE him as he becomes a petulant, sulky child with the emotional grace of a teaspoon when he pesters for sex & I tell him I’m not feeling it. Just so annoying to be around & a highly highly unattractive trait. And what pisses me off more than anything is that we actually have a good sex life so the long faces & the childish sulks when he doesn’t always get it really frustrates me.

I honestly don’t know what the answer is. I do still fancy him but not when he turns into a sulky sex pest. In fact it’s guaranteed to turn me completely off. To me, at times like this when he mopes and whines sex with him just feels like another thing in the to-do list

I mean there is nothing you can do if he isn’t willing to engage or change?

Would he have marriage guidance counselling? Does he realise you are considering leaving? Why does he think his behaviour is OK?

If not, I guess you put up with the sulking, or you leave - I can see why you don’t want to leave, but can you put up with this for life?

I've been told that it is abusive by counsellors.

Because it is abusive.

@Immaculatemisconception

I left my sex pest DH. It was the only option really.

Really? The only option? Not to actually have sex because that's what couples do?

OP,

It really depends on how often you refuse and why. If you're never willing, never initiate, and just don't make an effort, it's not hard to understand why he gets upset. That doesn't mean he should be sulking, but c'mon, how would you behave if he constantly did something that made you feel rejected and worthless.

OTOH if you have a regular sex life yet he sulks on the odd occasion when you're not in the mood, that's totally not on.

Really? The only option? Not to actually have sex because that's what couples do?

OP,

It really depends on how often you refuse and why. If you're never willing, never initiate, and just don't make an effort, it's not hard to understand why he gets upset. That doesn't mean he should be sulking, but c'mon, how would you behave if he constantly did something that made you feel rejected and worthless.

OTOH if you have a regular sex life yet he sulks on the odd occasion when you're not in the mood, that's totally not on.

Yes, the only option. Constantly pestering someone for sex and sulking when they don't get it, is a massive turn off not to mention abusive. I had three children under five and two didn't sleep. I was utterly exhausted, yet he continually pestered me for sex. I would be fast asleep and he would penetrate me, I believe that's rape. He had no respect for me and my body. His needs were all that mattered to him.

If you're never willing, never initiate, and just don't make an effort, it's not hard to understand why he gets upset I wasn't willing and did not initiate or make an effort because I'd just had his third child and I had another that did not sleep. I was like a fucking zombie. So no, I didn't understand why he got upset. I wanted a grown up DH who could understand how his wife was feeling. I wanted a DH who would look after me and care about me, not just care about sticking his penis into me.

So yes, the only option was to end the marriage.

I find your comment Not to actually have sex because that's what couples do? deeply offensive.

You’ve ruled out three of the four options you list. The only option left is leaving. Do you really think he’ll change? After YEARS of you shouting, explaining, begging? You’re dreaming, OP, sorry. He sounds like an abusive arsehole. You say your child is picking up on this? So what will you do?

I swung between Nos 2 and 4 until any attraction left (both physical and emotional) was eroded, then No 1.

Has he had therapy/counseling, OP? Or just you?

I totally get that feeling of wanting to stay and be happier. I've wasted about 10 years of my life trying to make that happen (not same issue as you though). It is utterly soul destroying and I barely recognise myself anymore. Good luck. Remember you are allowed to put yourself first.

We have a four year old and he's been like this since about a week after birth

This is potentially dangerous as you need those six weeks to heal inside. He has no respect for you.

I had this with one BF years ago and I exited that relationship after three months. Instant ick. I can still remember that sulky ‘little boy’ expression when once - once!! - I said I didn’t feel like it.

I know it’s not easy to leave a DH especially when children are involved. However he is NOT going to change. So either live with it or leave - no other choice.

He. Will. Never. Change.

Never.

I have no doubt everyone in your life wants to bang their head against a wall because you refuse to accept this fact.

Your husband is a nasty, vile, misogynistic sex pest. You know this. What a dreadful waste of your life.

Take the blinders off and get rid of him.

Thanks for thoughtful replies and also for the brief to the point ones as well. Can't reply to everyone but a few things ...

@Nathlash how do I improve my mental hygiene do you reckon? serious question... is this a kind of 'radical acceptance' approach?

A couple of people asked if I enjoy it. A bit, sometimes. But usually I just feel so distanced from him and so annoyed about the sulking that no, I don't really enjoy it. I'm not surprised he thinks it is boring, but boring vanilla is about as much as I can manage. The thought of anything else - urgh.

@frankiefirstyear so yours went elsewhere? ... that feels grim really. Can't see that working well here.

A couple of people suggested Relate or similar. I have really really really tried to get him to go. He's very hostile to the idea. I've been on my own (he doesn't know that). Cost me a fortune but at least it saved my friends' ears.

Good point from others about entitlement rather than shit self esteem. He is so fucking entitled sometimes. Urgh it is vile. But I think that you can have both in one package in fact.

@WhereYouLeftIt very thoughtful and difficult to read but thank you

@BellatricksStrange yes that's how he sees it. He feels rejected and worthless. He actually said the other day that I was abusive because I was denying affection and intimacy. I think he really believes it. I think he's got it totally backwards but I still feel a tiny bit sorry for him because he makes himself feel so shit about it.

@Immaculatemisconception My god what a pig. I'm so sorry. I hope you are doing OK now.

@CaveWoman1 Yes I know what you mean about the to do list. About as appealing as some of the other stuff on the list like cleaning the bathroom. Though the bathroom doesn't complain that you weren't very enthusiastic about it.

Thanks everyone. I'm especially interested if anyone has found a way through this particular variety of shit without a divorce. I don't like quitting and to be honest I am scared of single parenthood.

This is so familiar to me. In the end, I ended the marriage - I am so much happier except for when I have to deal with Ex. I do find life a bit daunting but has totally been the best decision. I would have loved to been married all my life but only to someone who was worth being married to. There is no point having a Golden Wedding if the marriage is miserable is there.

My ex had low self esteem and would have considered me much more confident. He was considered quiet and kind by friends. But he was also entitled. He ruined my enjoyment of sex and sulked if he thought he should get sex and I wasn't up for it
Please leave. It took me 28 years. It won't get any better trust me

You only have one option. Dump this pathetic rapey loser.
He doesn't listen to you.

You could try couples counselling to see if he can really get the message about how his emotional wounding is destroying the relationship. If he won't commit to that - and take it seriously - then I don't see that you have a happy future together.

The comment about feeling profound love for a partner after sex is great but leaves out that this guy has sex with his wife and then tells her it was a bit boring.

To which the only possible answer is 'oh I agree, let's not bother any more!'

Lucky me, I have a husband who sulks / mopes / sighs / strops about / gets in a depressive funk if we don't have sex often enough (at least every couple of days). This is the least sexy thing ever. It makes me curl up inside. I have spent literally years explaining how unsexy and unappealing it is, written it down clearly in emails, sent him links to stuff, bought books, I have even drawn bloody diagrams - and it has all been an utter waste of breath.

He feels rejected and worthless. He actually said the other day that I was abusive because I was denying affection and intimacy. I think he really believes it. I think he's got it totally backwards but I still feel a tiny bit sorry for him because he makes himself feel so shit about it.

That's interesting. Looks like your both entrenched in your opposite views and neither are prepared to listen - you just keep repeating your own mantras. Could you even (both) accept that this is case?

I wouldn’t explain it to him again. He knows that it upsets you, he chooses to continue that behaviour. He is deliberately causing you distress in order to get what he wants

This .. and I know he’d say he thinks you are cashing him distress, well in that case he should agree to counselling. The fact he is not willing to do anything whilst you have explained, bought books, sent emails and gone for therapy, shows how much effort YOU have put into this. How much effort has he put in other than sulking?

Also you say your child is picking up in the atmosphere. I’d use this fact as an ultimatum. He either agrees to Relate or you’ll need to separate.