Page 3 | Fixing sex sulks in a marriage

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/01/2022 22:04

One week after the birth!!!! He is jealous of your child and wants your undivided attention. Its not good enough because he knows you always have one ear open for your child and not him. I dumped my ex for this because he made me feel sickened to touch him.

midlifecrash · 02/01/2022 22:08

Look. You are so disgusted with his behaviour that you are dissociating during sex. And yet what you are thinking about is meeting his needs - so that you can be happier?

Turn this around. What’s his AIBU? “I want to have sex with my wife whenever I want to but she doesn’t always want to. AIBU to manipulate and coerce her?” What would you say HIS option are? Counselling has to be high up, he doesn’t seem to understand that sex should be between you, not “for him”.

(I want to say LTB this is my best shot at an alternative)

Hibye23289 · 02/01/2022 22:10

It is hard. I lost my sex drive when having children 10 years ago so ithas always been a problem but built up with tiredness,doing the bulk of parenting,working, the house and then be a peforming monkey for your husband when you just want to fall asleep is hard. I know my dh just feels unloved by it etc and i dont make enough effort but it is hard when you dont ever feel in the mood and feeling pestered turns you off even more. I have been called boring and only this morning called a lesbian and another remark made to be fair i did half jokingly say he was making me cringe after only having sex yesterday and him trying it on again today with me saying no. I told him to not talk to me rudely and he said he was joking by saying I was a lesbian.

No advice but I have been there
Oh and to add we have it at least once or twice a week,some women dont do it for months!! I hate the expectation

BoodleBug51 · 02/01/2022 22:12

It's sexually co-ercive behaviour OP.

Perhaps pointing out that it's something you could use in divorce may open his eyes better.

Masdintle · 02/01/2022 22:20

@55mirabeau

We went to relate and it has always stuck with me when the counsellor said “men need to have sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex”.

The more they sulk and strop the less you want to have anything to do with them and it just spirals. If he won’t accept that he is part of the problem directly from you, maybe he would from a counsellor of some description.

Good luck.

My first serious boyfriend's mum once said men give love for sex and women give sex for love. I've never forgotten it.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 02/01/2022 22:26

Our Relate bloke (socks and sandals) told me I must have hang ups about sex because I didn't want to sleep with exh. No you tosser just not a manipulative creep..

thequeenoftarts · 02/01/2022 22:37

You could buy a decent sized piece of 2 x 4 wood and each time he sulks or mentions sex batter him til he stops talking about it. Personally I opted for divorce..Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear but being sulked at cos I didn't want him fucking me when I didn't want it really angered me, and having to provide sexual services against your will is awfully demeaning. I am so so sorry you are experiencing this

Janeandjohnny · 02/01/2022 22:48

@StopSulking

Lucky me, I have a husband who sulks / mopes / sighs / strops about / gets in a depressive funk if we don't have sex often enough (at least every couple of days). This is the least sexy thing ever. It makes me curl up inside. I have spent literally years explaining how unsexy and unappealing it is, written it down clearly in emails, sent him links to stuff, bought books, I have even drawn bloody diagrams - and it has all been an utter waste of breath. We have a four year old and he's been like this since about a week after birth. I understand that he thinks that sex=love and I also know he has shit self esteem. I still don't want to have sex with someone who is such a grumpy wanker about it. Especially if I then get told afterwards that it is a bit boring.

I am sick to death of it. Really fed up at being sighed at, moped at, treated like some kind of malfunctioning sex robot, constantly being blamed for his shit moods and lack of enthusiasm for anything else in life.

You can tell me to leave, it's easy to do from behind a keyboard. I have been told this by friends IRL too, I've been told that it is abusive by counsellors. I don't really want to leave, I want to stay and be happier. What I'm hoping for is to hear from people who have been in this kind of situation and found a way through it to a happier relationship.

I can see four options:

leave him
stay and 'give in' more often (so so so so problematic)
leave things as they are where he is miserable, it takes up huge amounts of my mental energy and is so draining, and the tension is witnessed by our kid
hope that he stops this shit behaviour (through some kind of act of God perhaps because nothing I say makes a damn bit of difference)

Anyway. Has anyone actually been where I am but improved it?

Option 5: stay and be mindful that this is his stuff not yours, be supportive but dont expend energy too much. He only continues because you complete the feedback loop. Never complain, never explain just state what you previously stated and thats that. No improvement? Then consider leaving.

EasyBreezy · 02/01/2022 22:48

Yep i had a sex sulker. They are self centered man-children. It was never enough, or exciting enough for him he wanted to total porn performance every bloody time, he refused to sort himself out and despite explaining (as you have done to yours) that only being nice to get sex or sulking is a massive turn off and to stop me beig turned off from sex, he could perhaps...not go to bed at 10pm every night, not spend all evening on his phone, do his share of work and mental load and engage with and be more pleasant to me more than just the 5 minutes before he expected sex. It fell on deaf ears.

BellatricksStrange · 02/01/2022 22:58

I would be fast asleep and he would penetrate me, I believe that's rape. He had no respect for me and my body. His needs were all that mattered to him.

You added this info later which obviously changes things completely, so your outrage is misplaced.

In MN planet, no husband should even think of having sex before the youngest child is at least 3 years old. And no matter how many times someone gets rejected, they should always be, "Of course it's ok honey. Sure it's been 7 years, but no pressure, in your own time, whenever you're ready. I'm totally fine with waiting, and meanwhile I'll just support all your emotional needs."

IRL though, when one is rejected tie and again (husband or wife), they feel like shit. Their self worth goes down the drain, and it's not so outlandish for them to be a bit stroppy.

It goes without saying that any partner should be able to refuse sex without the other throwing a strop, but when it happens a lot, especially when the rejection is done without any empathy, there are bound to be some hurt feelings.

A lot also hinges on the way sex is refused. There is a huge difference between a no said with empathy, acknowledging that the other wanted to be intimate yet you're to tired or whatnot, versus a cold no. Or worse, making the other feel like some kind of pest or pervert just for asking.

VioletPetals · 02/01/2022 23:49

@BellatricksStrange
A lot also hinges on the way sex is refused. There is a huge difference between a no said with empathy, acknowledging that the other wanted to be intimate yet you're to tired or whatnot, versus a cold no. Or worse, making the other feel like some kind of pest or pervert just for asking.

That’s not what @StopSulking or other posters who have been in similar situations are describing though.
@StopSulking was very clear that no matter how often they have sex if the sex isn’t to his schedule, ie every couple of days, and isn’t to his standard, it’s boring or he throws a strop and sulks.

We aren’t taking about a spouse who has been denied intimacy for X months and is nonchalantly asking if their spouse might be in the mood later and is been rejected so harshly that it’s making them feel worthless and causing a bad mood.

We are talking about an entitled man child who seems to think he’s entitled to sex whenever and however he wants because he wants it and thinks the way to get it is to strop and sulk and make life unbearable until she gives in.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/01/2022 00:03

@BellatricksStrange

I would be fast asleep and he would penetrate me, I believe that's rape. He had no respect for me and my body. His needs were all that mattered to him.

You added this info later which obviously changes things completely, so your outrage is misplaced.

In MN planet, no husband should even think of having sex before the youngest child is at least 3 years old. And no matter how many times someone gets rejected, they should always be, "Of course it's ok honey. Sure it's been 7 years, but no pressure, in your own time, whenever you're ready. I'm totally fine with waiting, and meanwhile I'll just support all your emotional needs."

IRL though, when one is rejected tie and again (husband or wife), they feel like shit. Their self worth goes down the drain, and it's not so outlandish for them to be a bit stroppy.

It goes without saying that any partner should be able to refuse sex without the other throwing a strop, but when it happens a lot, especially when the rejection is done without any empathy, there are bound to be some hurt feelings.

A lot also hinges on the way sex is refused. There is a huge difference between a no said with empathy, acknowledging that the other wanted to be intimate yet you're to tired or whatnot, versus a cold no. Or worse, making the other feel like some kind of pest or pervert just for asking.

Oh don’t be ridiculous @BellatricksStrange , the OP isn’t talking about a no sex situation, she’s talking about being married to a man who is endlessly demanding and sulks when she doesn’t drop her knickers to order.

It’s not true either that the mumsnet planet dictates no sex for mums of toddlers. There are regularly posters who say they are totally off it, there are posters that sympathise - ans there are an equally big number pointing out that that’s fine, but their partner won’t stick around if it doesn’t get sorted.

Cutemob · 03/01/2022 00:10

.

Anordinarymum · 03/01/2022 00:14

My husband was exactly like this. In the years I was married to him he raped me, I would wake up to him having sex with me, he bullied me, pestered me for sex continuously and one day I said to him there will be a time when I will never do this again because of the way you behave.
He did not believe me.
When I finally said 'No'' he treated me to sleep deprivation, he hit me, he screamed and shouted at night keeping my children awake and stopped showering for some insane reason.
The day he left was a blessing for us all

LizzieSiddal · 03/01/2022 07:33

Anordinarymum I’m so sorry you went through that.

TheLovelinessOfBaublyDemons · 03/01/2022 07:40

@Hibye23289

It is hard. I lost my sex drive when having children 10 years ago

so ithas always been a problem but built up with tiredness,doing the bulk of parenting,working, the house and then be a peforming monkey for your husband when you just want to fall asleep is hard. I know my dh just feels unloved by it etc and i dont make enough effort but it is hard when you dont ever feel in the mood and feeling pestered turns you off even more. I have been called boring and only this morning called a lesbian and another remark made to be fair i did half jokingly say he was making me cringe after only having sex yesterday and him trying it on again today with me saying no. I told him to not talk to me rudely and he said he was joking by saying I was a lesbian.

No advice but I have been there
Oh and to add we have it at least once or twice a week,some women dont do it for months!! I hate the expectation

DH calls me a lesbian every time he brings up the lack of sex. I don't want sex. I have no desire. At all. With anyone.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/01/2022 07:44

You can only control the first three of those options but you're looking for a solution to be able to control the fourth. You've tried, it's failed. What else are you expecting people to suggest?

LemonJelly76 · 03/01/2022 07:48

Sorry, not a positive reply.

I was in exactly the same situation..I could have written your post.

I left him. And I'm glad I did. I still don't think he thinks he did anything wrong. It was the co-ercion that got me, the emotional blackmail, the silent treatment. He's really a bit bitter now, and I can see he's a narcissist too. He'll never think any of it was his fault. Only mine

Sorry to not have any suggestions for you

EishetChayil · 03/01/2022 08:02

You know that there's a word for sex that isn't fully consensual, right?

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2022 08:02

I don’t think you can fix his emotionally manipulative sulky behaviour towards you; he’s the only person who can change how he behaves and he’s clearly not going to

The way to fix this is to leave him

PickAChew · 03/01/2022 08:15

@BellatricksStrange

I would be fast asleep and he would penetrate me, I believe that's rape. He had no respect for me and my body. His needs were all that mattered to him.

You added this info later which obviously changes things completely, so your outrage is misplaced.

In MN planet, no husband should even think of having sex before the youngest child is at least 3 years old. And no matter how many times someone gets rejected, they should always be, "Of course it's ok honey. Sure it's been 7 years, but no pressure, in your own time, whenever you're ready. I'm totally fine with waiting, and meanwhile I'll just support all your emotional needs."

IRL though, when one is rejected tie and again (husband or wife), they feel like shit. Their self worth goes down the drain, and it's not so outlandish for them to be a bit stroppy.

It goes without saying that any partner should be able to refuse sex without the other throwing a strop, but when it happens a lot, especially when the rejection is done without any empathy, there are bound to be some hurt feelings.

A lot also hinges on the way sex is refused. There is a huge difference between a no said with empathy, acknowledging that the other wanted to be intimate yet you're to tired or whatnot, versus a cold no. Or worse, making the other feel like some kind of pest or pervert just for asking.

Oh, give over. Are you really suggesting that it's the woman's fault that a man sulks when he doesn't get his dick serviced and that she should be polite to him, even when he's like a randy, humping dog? And did you really just dismiss someone's experience of rape as irrelevant?

PearlD · 03/01/2022 09:27

This sounds miserable. Counsellors have told you he is abusive and your friends, who know the situation are telling you to leave him.

This is about control. You can't make him hange, that is clear. But you can choose whether this is how you want to spend your life, and your children's. It's the hardest decision to make, nobody wants to, I know because I've been there. And it's one you've got to come to yourself, but there's no magic answer you've not thought of. I'm not sure if you've got a daughter, I'm wondering what you'd advise her to do?

PearlD · 03/01/2022 09:28

change*

Cuddlemuffin · 03/01/2022 09:35

This was my parents unfortunately. I was so aware of the sulking and moodiness as a you g kid from my dad and as a teenager I realised it was about sex and that is not something a child should be worrying about. Just giving you the perspective of the child on this situation. It's grim. Parents divorced when I was 17 and it was a huge relief for me. You may feel that your husband is not like this around your child but children are pretty aware of what's going on in their home. Something to consider. I would suggest counseling together specifically sex therapy or a trial separation to see if you are actually happier apart.

ImInStealthMode · 03/01/2022 09:52

My EXH was exactly like this. As you can tell by the 'X' it wasn't fixed. It was one of several reasons we divorced.

Sadly it's left a mark on me that current (lovely, none-sulky, always happen to talk about things) DP has to deal with.

He would never ever demand or sulk, but if it's been a bit longer than usual then I start to get the same feelings of stress, guilt and panic that I did when my ex would sulk or when I knew it was coming, which in turn kills my libido. I'm working hard to overcome this, with DPs help.

Fixing sex sulks in a marriage

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