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Original poster

Failure to launch - help

71 replies

Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:03

Hi, I hope you don’t mind me posting this here, not sure where else reasonably I can post this…..I have posted here before pre-pandemic with a similar concern.

I am nearly 41 (man). I have my own flat in a nice city, decent-ish job, no financial worries, nice family, nice friends (although I don’t really see them much as they have families/relationships).

But, and please don’t have a go at me, I have never really left home properly. I have spent time at my flat but mainly stay with my parents (as my job is mainly WFH this has become the regular situation).

I feel pretty hopeless sometimes, I am comfortable at my parents and we have a good relationship. But I am nervous and clueless about anything else. I have never really broken out of this and have had anxiety for a long time (have had treatment but think I will just have to fight on with it - and do).

Not sure what I am looking for, some advice/encouragement perhaps. I was feeling down about it tonight that’s all.

Thanks.

OP posts:

FlibbertyGiblets · 30/12/2021 00:08

Have you considered what your parents might feel about their 40 yr old still hanging around?
Their sex life curtailed. Having to factor you into their meal plans. Please don't tell me your Mum still does your washing.

PGSTesting123 · 30/12/2021 00:10

Have you ever had a relationship?
How long did it last?
What was the cause of the break up?

You have to get self sufficient.
Your parents will pass away one day, then you will be lost.

Make the transition now whilst they are alive and you can visit them.
Don't live with them.

Learn to cook.
Ask your mum to show you how to use the washing machine, iron etc if you don't know how to do these things.

Go running everyday.

Read a new book every week.

Do things for yourself by yourself.

Then see how you feel about dating.

You're not a failure.
You're financially OK
Have your own place
Guessing you have a decent career
Have self awareness
You have more than most people have already.

Good luck

Original poster

Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:12

Yes, they don’t mind (or at least say so) me staying there but it is a factor, of course, in wanting to leave. But I worry it is too late now :(

OP posts:

BabyLove22 · 30/12/2021 00:13

What's the point in paying for your flat if you don't use it?

LittleBearPad · 30/12/2021 00:14

Make the decision to stop living in your parents house. You have your own flat - that’s home not your parents house.

If you can’t cook, clean etc then learn. You may make mistakes but you’ll learn.

Good luck

Original poster

Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:15

Thanks PGS - some good tips. No relationship. I think I am reasonably okay look wise. Am popular and liked with work colleagues, so can’t be too bad. I have had a little attention in the past (not lots or anything, but some!!!)

I think I have got too comfortable and lacking confidence in my abilities. All feels hopeless but want to at least try and see :)

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 30/12/2021 00:15

41 isn’t too late. As other posters have said, you aren’t entirely “stuck”. You have a job and a place of your own to go to. Go back to your flat and start living from your own space. If it helps, set a scheduled time to visit your parents at the weekend.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/12/2021 00:17

Wow some harsh replies! There is no right or wrong way to life your life, if the current set up works for you and your parents you’ve no need to feel ashamed about it. Are you able to look after yourself? Know how to cook and clean? If not these are important independent life skills that you should learn not only to help your parents but to increase your confidence.

Original poster

Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:18

Sorry I can’t respond to all messages, but I am reading them and grateful for them. Re: cost of flat, this is an issue. I am not too concerned as hopefully it is going up in value (or at least that is how I justify it). The pandemic and home working has affected things a bit. Before I was working in the office. Now, I am 30-40 miles at parents because of home working (not an excuse, just explaining)

OP posts:

Almost2022 · 30/12/2021 00:18

I'm sorry you're struggling @Strugglingatm

What are you looking for? Are you looking to settle down? Marriage and children? You're not too late for that.

Original poster

Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:21

Yes, I love my nephews and would like a family of my own. But to be honest, if it doesn’t happen, then this is fine too. But I think I am realising I have to make some changes and see how I get on. I am not massively unhappy or anything, but life is passing me by.

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 30/12/2021 00:22

@Strugglingatm

Do you like your flat? If it doesn’t feel like home have you considered buying closer to your parents? If you are going to be working from home going forward it may be a thought

ProudThrilledHappy · 30/12/2021 00:23

Sometimes it seems better to stay in a safe space rather than face the world, but once you give yourself the nudge to try something and you realise how easy it is the confidence boost will propel you on to bigger things.

If going home seems a bit daunting maybe try smaller steps like taking yourself out to the supermarket or going out to a cafe for lunch with a book? Then take yourself out for a morning to meet a friend. Work up to full independence bit by bit

Almost2022 · 30/12/2021 00:25

What do you feel like you're missing out on?

PGSTesting123 · 30/12/2021 00:27

00:16Strugglingatm

Obviously I don't know you.
You seem like you my be a gentle soul.
Are you religious at all.
Could you join a church or the equivalent of your faith? Only do this if you have a religion of course and are genuinely interested.

Once you get comfortable running, join a running group, participate in the park runs, the competitions, you'll feel better expanding your social circle and it won't be an intrusive activity either.

FreeFrenchHens · 30/12/2021 00:27

Time for a new year's resolution! Why not make yourself some goals for this year? 22 goals for 2022 perhaps. Stuff like cooking, tackling some DIY jobs, whatever else will help you sever the apron strings. Maybe mix in some leisure stuff too like a weekend solo break somewhere new, theatre, water skiing...

And maybe commit to a month staying in your own flat without staying over at your parents. It may feel like "only" sleeping but there's a lot of associated stuff like shopping, cooking, washing clothes which follows on from it. Maybe your flat becomes your base for work and sleep and your parents' place becomes a leisure visit rather than all day, every day.

Original poster

Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:28

I have thought about selling and moving back closer, but it is only 30-40 miles away anyway and easy to go between the two locations anyway, so I don’t see any benefit in this. I like the apartment but have got too comfortable and lacking in confidence. I am not reliant on my parents, out relationship is adult to adult, but I also feel a bit afraid to be honest of independence :(

Missing out on: partner (and maybe family), more social opportunities, confidence

OP posts:

Fangdango · 30/12/2021 00:30

I wouldn't assume your parents are unhappy with the arrangement. Are you? Or do you just think people will judge you for it? If you're contributing to the household and all happy, keep living as you please - it's not that unusual.

If you wanted a change, in non pandemic times, if your job allowed it, I'd advise you to go travelling / live abroad for a short time. It's easier to make and break habits in new environments. But think about what you want to do and why. And well done too - you have lots of things sorted already.

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 30/12/2021 00:31

I honestly wouldn’t see this living situation as a problem if it suits all of you and you’re comfortable with it. Especially during the pandemic and working from home I can understand why you’d want company and have ended up at your parents. Like a PP said you have a good career, your own place and are financially solvent and self aware. I wouldn’t beat yourself up over this. Life during the pandemic has been weird, whatever works to get people through is fine I think. I suspect if you met someone you’d move in together and that would be fine, but maybe you find living alone in the meantime a struggle? A lot of people find it lonely and especially if working from home too. If that’s the case maybe looking for a flatmate might be worth doing? The only thing is that I do think if you want to meet someone it’s important to try and get out there which might be harder to do if you’ve got too comfortable hanging out with your parents!

Original poster

Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:32

PGS - not religious at all. Running/exercise is a good tip though.

FreeFrenchHens - sorry, but I am being honest here, and am embarrassed but one month away without coming back just feels like a mountain :( but I am keen for 2022 to be better especially as the COVID situation is improving and we will likely be able to go back to the office at some point

OP posts:

DukeofEarlGrey · 30/12/2021 00:33

I don’t fully understand - did you ever leave home properly (uni?) and how much time do you spend at your parents’ house vs. at your flat? Are you from a culture where this is more normal or do you feel out of step with your peers? (don’t answer the cultural question if you don’t want to)

If encouragement is what you need, then you have plenty of things to feel good about - you seem to be a decent, attractive, solvent man with a good career, your own home and healthy relationships with friends and family. Those are very strong foundations for building anything else you want!

Also, the pandemic has made a lot of us feel weird and disconnected from the wider world in general. It sounds like this might be affecting you too.

PGSTesting123 · 30/12/2021 00:34

What city are you in? Obviously don't reveal your location if it's a small place.

FreeFrenchHens · 30/12/2021 00:35

Also you're framing work like you '"need" to be at your parents' for that. Is it worth exploring a bit around that? Loneliness is a real worry with singletons WFH so I expect you'd be very reluctant to just retreat to solo living cold turkey, but maybe brainstorm what other solutions you can use alongside staying with parents. Are there online things through work to help people connect? Or could you go into the office some days? Or do certain days from your flat and some at your parents' even if it's not strictly the most efficient way to do it.

Maybe it is just too far and you need to either move closer as PP suggested, or "lean in" to th community round your flat. I think that until you have personal connections there, it's not going to feel like home.

FreeFrenchHens · 30/12/2021 00:37

@Strugglingatm

PGS - not religious at all. Running/exercise is a good tip though.

Sure but that's just me, a stranger, picking a number out of thin air. Pick your own number. 2 days, whatever. Make it work for you.

Original poster

Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:37

Thanks Fang and Kylie for taking the time to respond with advice.

Duke - culturally, no, it would be typical to leave home at a younger age. My friends have all lived mainly independently for 20 years. My problems started as I had bad anxiety so never went to Uni and then just stayed at home. I am mainly at parents atm, but that is related to home working (and again, I am not using this as an excuse, I could work from my own home)

OP posts:

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