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Original poster

Failure to launch - help

71 replies

Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:03

Hi, I hope you don’t mind me posting this here, not sure where else reasonably I can post this…..I have posted here before pre-pandemic with a similar concern.

I am nearly 41 (man). I have my own flat in a nice city, decent-ish job, no financial worries, nice family, nice friends (although I don’t really see them much as they have families/relationships).

But, and please don’t have a go at me, I have never really left home properly. I have spent time at my flat but mainly stay with my parents (as my job is mainly WFH this has become the regular situation).

I feel pretty hopeless sometimes, I am comfortable at my parents and we have a good relationship. But I am nervous and clueless about anything else. I have never really broken out of this and have had anxiety for a long time (have had treatment but think I will just have to fight on with it - and do).

Not sure what I am looking for, some advice/encouragement perhaps. I was feeling down about it tonight that’s all.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Almost2022 · 30/12/2021 00:38

You mention confidence. This is something you can build on. There are several workshops you can join that help build resilience and self esteem. Please look out for them. Usually its through a charity. You can find out more information through your GP. I did this recently as I started to lose my confidence and its been a great help.

Have you got many friends? What are your hobbies?

emsmar · 30/12/2021 00:38

My brother is like this. I dread what's going to become of him when my parents pass away. I know that's a horrible thought but try and put yourself out there. Your parents maybe worry about you.

You seem really lovely.

Almost2022 · 30/12/2021 00:40

Are you taking anything for your anxiety? Just to take the edge off.n

Original poster
Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:41

Thanks FreeFrenchHens :) sorry, I was perhaps reading your comment about staying for a month too literally. I think perhaps as the new year begins and we return to the office, that will help with my planning. Before the recent wfh guidance, I was working in the office and staying there Mon to Fri, for example and enjoying that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:43

Yes Emsmar, I have the same fear for myself. But I also want to improve my life and expand it, if only a little. See how I get on. There are some good tips here, I have some time, as I don’t return to work until the new year, so time to think and plan. Yes, taking medication, smallish dose.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 30/12/2021 00:43

Can you go and stay for a weekend? Try to put down some roots. If you’re only there Monday to Friday in normal times it’s very much a dormitory rather than a home.

immersivereader · 30/12/2021 00:44

Can you put in a request to go back to the office? It'll do you the world of good

Original poster
Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:44

Sorry, would rather not name city. But not a big one.

Yes, I have friends, but don’t see lots of them. They have families etc, plus COVID has affected things a bit too…..

OP posts:
DukeofEarlGrey · 30/12/2021 00:45

I’d try to tackle it from a few angles. Exercise could be a great idea both to get you out and interacting with others and also to build more general wellbeing that should help with the anxiety. Is there a team sport you like that you could join locally to your flat, or a gym to go to?

And the idea of setting targets for spending more time in your home is good - maybe weekends there and weekdays with your parents for now? You could plan nice things to do when you go home. Also, if you haven’t already, make sure you invest some time in making your flat a welcoming place to be.

Original poster
Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:46

Yes, I agree re weekends, I think, tbh, I avoid the weekends because I find them harder. I get up and feel lost! When I have work, I have somewhere to go, see colleagues etc

OP posts:
Beamur · 30/12/2021 00:47

It's not too late.
Anxiety is tough. Maybe focus on some achievable goals first. Maybe a few more nights at your flat, organise something social with a friend?

Original poster
Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:48

(But I accept, that I need to plan things)

OP posts:
bedheadedzombie · 30/12/2021 00:48

Maybe you can start by sleeping in your flat for one night a week, then the next month two nights et cetera. That way you get used to sleeping alone there but it's a more gradual transition?

SandingWithMyUnshavenLegs · 30/12/2021 00:49

I wonder, what is the feeling that seems to drive you to stay in this situation which seems to be, on one hand, quite comfortable, and on the other making you feel uncomfortable?
Is it loneliness? Avoidance of a relationship?
A question mark over your sexuality/lack of sexuality? Something else?
I think it is likely you know deep down what the issue is here.
My advice would be to face up to it. And to certainly not be embarrassed about your situation. If you would like a relationship and children, start doing something about it. Focus on that rather than your living situation; if you find someone special, then the natural thing that will follow is that you hang around much less with your parents. You already have a place to go to which simplifies things massively!

Original poster
Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:49

Thanks, I will start making a plan and go for it. I actually think I need to build my tolerance levels a bit as well - experience feeling lonely, lost etc

OP posts:
DukeofEarlGrey · 30/12/2021 00:50

Yes, and knowing that you won’t die of it Smile

Original poster
Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:52

Thanks Sanding. Not got an answer for that atm, but will think more on it.

OP posts:
SandingWithMyUnshavenLegs · 30/12/2021 01:01

I also want to say that:

  • I think it’s lovely that you have parents you want to be around.
  • Being unconventional is perfectly okay.
  • Simply asking the question “how do I get what I want” means you are a lot closer to getting it!
  • You seem to talk as if you have a big, bad secret, and feeling this way is probably quite paralysing. A plain reading of the situation is that you have achieved plenty in your life and are looking to enrich it with a relationship.
PGSTesting123 · 30/12/2021 01:01

I've never connected with my family.
Felt lonely with them.
I feel lonely in my relationship at times.
I like my own company basically.
However, there was a time that I felt anxious, that the four walls of my house and my life were caving in on me.

I read a bit, a watched back to back scandi noir BBC 4 shows Bridge and The Killing and a french drama spiral.
I would drive to the local nature park and watch the ducks, sit in my car listen to BBC 4 radio and BBC 4 extra.

These little and boring things gave my life structure, stuff I was interested in and looked forward to, things I enjoyed doing on my own.

I don't crave friends however, today I bumped into 3 neighbours and spoke to them for hours individually, I was so happy to be home and watch Frankie Boyle on the TV with a cup of tea, on my own.

Find things you enjoy and do them in your flat and personal space.
Go your parents as a dinner guest or for the Christmas holidays.

Your life will be structured and you'll be more focused once you are less anxious about your situation.

I'm sure your parents worry about you.
They must wonder what will become of you once you pass.
Shoe them that you are working towards independence.

Can you drive?
So you have a degree?
Open university?
Study something you feel you may have missed out on.

Ibane · 30/12/2021 01:03

@Strugglingatm

Thanks, I will start making a plan and go for it. I actually think I need to build my tolerance levels a bit as well - experience feeling lonely, lost etc
Yes, and just to stay with those feelings. It’s ok to have them. They’re signs of growth. Your comfort zone is stunting you.
PGSTesting123 · 30/12/2021 01:04

Once they pass on I mean, sorry

Original poster
Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 01:05

Thanks Sanding, Yes, its easy to forget the positives sometimes :) I think this week with no work etc has got me pondering more on things - and then feeling a low about it all. Thanks for everyone’s responses, I actually feel more positive generally now and will sleep better tonight. Tomorrow, I will start being proactive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 01:08

Yes , Ibane. That is part of the problem I think. I feel discomfort, and return to a “safer place”. But, yes. I need to perhaps feel uncomfortabe as hard as it may be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 01:11

Thanks PGS. One thing I would like to improve is my job, its respectable but I would like to progress, so can definitely make that a target for 2022.

The thought of being completely alone, in any situation, for a long time does frighten me. I envy people who are comfortable in their own company! But perhaps I am just not used to it. Honestly don’t know.

OP posts:
PGSTesting123 · 30/12/2021 01:19

01:11Strugglingatm

This is anonymous anyway but if you feel comfortable ...
What do you do?
What qualifications do you currently hold?
What would you roughly like to do or what kind of money would you like to earn?

As an example my partner always felt he should have a better job in terms of work content, I always felt he wasn't being paid enough - I told him he cannot change job unless it's a six figure salary - he realised his worth and did not accept a job until it was in the six figures, OK it's low six figures AND the work content would excite him.
Honestly, with experience and qualifications and desire and excitement for your career you can achieve both the money and the satisfaction.
I do believe this is more achievable for white men than other groups at the moment even though society is changing slowly to make this achievable for all groups.
My partner needed that push.