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Original poster

Failure to launch - help

71 replies

Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 00:03

Hi, I hope you don’t mind me posting this here, not sure where else reasonably I can post this…..I have posted here before pre-pandemic with a similar concern.

I am nearly 41 (man). I have my own flat in a nice city, decent-ish job, no financial worries, nice family, nice friends (although I don’t really see them much as they have families/relationships).

But, and please don’t have a go at me, I have never really left home properly. I have spent time at my flat but mainly stay with my parents (as my job is mainly WFH this has become the regular situation).

I feel pretty hopeless sometimes, I am comfortable at my parents and we have a good relationship. But I am nervous and clueless about anything else. I have never really broken out of this and have had anxiety for a long time (have had treatment but think I will just have to fight on with it - and do).

Not sure what I am looking for, some advice/encouragement perhaps. I was feeling down about it tonight that’s all.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Almost2022 · 30/12/2021 01:22

I am an extrovert so I'm unhappy with my own company. So I completely get it. Its great you're work focused but I think there's so much more to life than that. Make it your goal to see friends more often in the New year. Try speed dating or online dating or the likes. Don't be lonely.

KloppsTeeth · 30/12/2021 02:05

You sound exactly like my brother, except he was living in his own place and had no life outside of work and being stuck at home. He had no hobbies or friends. A perfectly lovely bloke, just hadn’t launched into the wider world.

Then he joined adult education classes at the local college. Picked some random courses and gave them ago. Some practical stuff, like plumbing for beginners and other more creative ones. Through that he met a nice circle of friends and eventually his wife.

It’s hard to break patterns that you’re comfortable in, but small steps pay off.

RoyKentsChestHair · 30/12/2021 03:02

Can I just say from a dating perspective, a man in his 40s without the baggage of kids and an ex to contend with is a pretty good place to be. If you can cook, tidy up after yourself and basically be a decent grown up, you could have your pick of women!! Try and see the positives in your situation.

Get yourself out there - if work is likely to be wfh for the foreseeable future then it’s even more important to find some hobbies outside the house. I know that bit is hard, I’m currently having to do the same.

But once you have your confidence and self assurance you will be an attractive prospect for a relationship if that is your focus.

It’s great that you are close to your parents but as others have said, don’t rely on them for the practicalities or for your only social interaction. You can do it!

bedheadedzombie · 30/12/2021 05:02

@Strugglingatm

Yes , Ibane. That is part of the problem I think. I feel discomfort, and return to a “safer place”. But, yes. I need to perhaps feel uncomfortabe as hard as it may be.

The ultimate goal is to feel comfortable and safe in your own home. The uncomfortableness is just temporary and you need to find a way to handle it in a manner that will make you feel fine while you are alone. There are lots of ideas on this thread. You need a plan, and go for it. There will be days that you fall back a little, that's ok, keep going. It's a process. Come back for more advice if you need it. Plenty of people here online that want to help you with advice to try.

SNUG2022 · 30/12/2021 05:08

I was wondering if your parents or just mum or dad, could stay with you for a week/weekend to help bed you in, as it were. Get your settled in your own environment, explore the local area with you, find a nice cafe or have a night at the local pub, go to your local shops. I think this would be healthy and extremely helpful.

Ilady · 30/12/2021 05:41

It good that your have realised that your life is not as good as it should or could be.

It easy to get stuck in a bit of a rut especially if you're single and in your late 30s or early 40's.
But do you know what you have a lot going for you. You have a job, your paying a mortgage and you have friends. At this stage you need to look and see what organisations or evening classes are available near your flat and join something you are interested in.

You might find the local gym near your house has classes at night so joining the gym and going to 2 classes a week could get you out of the flat, meet new people and give you some thing to look forward to.
If your willing to push yourself to make small steps you never know what could happen. You could try online dating as well.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 30/12/2021 09:05

Could you try building up the number of nights you spend at your flat each week?
Is there anyway you can make your flat more like your parents house so you like being there?

Hereslookinatyoukid · 30/12/2021 09:26

@Strugglingatm

Yes, I agree re weekends, I think, tbh, I avoid the weekends because I find them harder. I get up and feel lost! When I have work, I have somewhere to go, see colleagues etc

Have you thought about parkrun? You could go along as a participant - if you register, print your barcode then you can find out your time. Or register to volunteer and you will likely meet people.

For a lot of non-religious people it gives meaning to the weekend. There will probably be several near you - you could go to one regularly near you, which is your incentive to stay at home on a Friday night?

Beamur · 30/12/2021 11:11

I think the idea of making a day at the weekend plus an overnight at the flat 'your time' could be a good start.
Perhaps you need to make your flat more welcoming and cosy.
Park run is a brilliant idea. If you don't run, or want to observe a bit before jumping in you could volunteer to help? I think they have volunteer marshalls and need help setting up/taking down.
Go for a walk, read a book in a cafe, shop for some nice food. It's really empowering to enjoy your own company. Being on your own doesn't have to be lonely and we're only talking about one day/night a week.
I lived with my Mum into my 30's which some people found very odd but we got on great and house sharing suited us, but I did have a private life too.
Do you belong to any clubs or have hobbies? That's always a good way to meet people with similar outlooks or interests.

Mabelface · 30/12/2021 11:20

Could you be neurodiverse? You sound like both my son and me.

whywouldntyou · 30/12/2021 11:34

How about taking it step by step? So perhaps 3 days a week WFH at your flat and cook your own meals, plan them, shop and make an event of cooking. Then do that on a weekend occasionally. So ease yourself away from your parents slowly. When you're at your flat do things, like decorating or take up a hobby, doing nothing will make time drag.

Original poster

Strugglingatm · 30/12/2021 12:11

Thanks all for your time and comments and suggestions. I cannot respond to each individually - didn’t expect such a good response! But later today I will have a thorough read through and consider all ideas and opinions.

OP posts:

SingToTheSky · 30/12/2021 12:40

I know you didn’t ask this, but have you considered that you may have autistic traits and/or ADHD? These could be factors in why you are struggling with some aspects of adult life. It may be worth having a look at information about adult autism/ADHD to see if you can relate - there’s much more to it than I ever realised, I was never hyperactive. In particular the ADHD - medication doesn’t fix everything but it really has transformed my life. I feel like a proper adult now (I am pretty sure if I hadn’t met my husband when young I would be like you, struggling to be independent). It could give you the boost you need to make the other changes that everyone has been suggesting.

That may all be completely irrelevant of course and apologies if so. Either way making small changes is the way forward. Good luck @Strugglingatm you’ve got this!

FreeFrenchHens · 30/12/2021 12:51

it's fine you don't have reply to each post

Good luck with your planning. Just start with where you are. It's not a competition and any progress is progress. I see that book "Atomic Habits" recommended on here a lot. I wonder if that sort of thing might be helpful, or reading up on anxiety and how to break that spiral of thoughts and physical symptoms.

XmasCrap · 30/12/2021 13:26

What is it about your flat you don't like? There must be a reason you prefer to be at your parents' place?

I think I would try and work out why I don't like being there and address that, if I were you.

Then, maybe try and build up the amount of time you spend at your flat, inviting your parents/friends round for meals etc so it becomes a place associated with pleasant memories for you.

honeylemonteaforme · 30/12/2021 13:37

Hmm who says it's so bad to be staying with your parents... better that than being lonely on your own through lockdown wfh etc

I'd focus less on "I must move out (for the sake of it)" and more on making space for other things you want eg a relationship, hobbies etc

Can you set yourself some challenges this year? Some things out of your comfort zone you might surprise yourself

LadyCatStark · 30/12/2021 13:40

Could you try online dating? Lots of women are crying out for a nice guy. Both my brothers are shy and met their wife/ partner online.

I’d also recommend spending Monday- Friday at your flat and treating it as if you’re going to work for the week.

Welshgal85 · 30/12/2021 13:49

I think maybe try small steps and try staying at the flat a little more and plan to get out a bit more, join some clubs, social activities etc Covid restrictions allowing of course!

If you think there could be a deeper issue here then it may be worth looking into having some counselling? I know you mentioned having anxiety so not sure if it something you have explored before? Talking to an impartial person about your feelings, fears and anxieties can be a good way to figure things out

CrimbleCrumble1 · 30/12/2021 13:50

Could you decorate the flat in a similar style to your parent’s house?
I agree about the online dating.

NumberTheory · 30/12/2021 16:09

Covid has made things particularly difficult, but I think focusing on your social life is important. And not dating particularly because without a broader social life, you risk swapping one crutch for another and that would not be a great basis for a relationship.

Getting into a hobby or two, things with a bit of commitment near your flat, would give you something to break up the loneliness of being on your own. Another possibility is trying something some of your friends already do, that gives you a way to interact outside the 9-5, and a social introduction so when you turn up you don’t feel as overwhelmed by all the people who already seem to know each other but not you, etc. (But make an effort to branch out and talk to people you don’t know).

There’s also volunteering if you have interests of a charitable or political bent.

Also agree with the idea of putting some effort into physically making your flat a place you like to be. Decorate it. Get the best sofa/TV/bed/stereo/art/whatever. Make it nicer than your parents place. And indulge yourself there. Food you don’t get at your parents’. A silk robe to lounge around in. Music they don’t like (but you do!) playing through the whole flat. Anything that you avoid or can’t get at your parents but still like.

And do you invite friends over? Could you ask friends from work to watch a game/movie at you place? Provide some beers and snacks and order pizza if it gets late. Or for dinner (which can be a curry delivered or something easy from M&S or a 5 course meal you craft by hand depending on what you like). Or see if some of your friends who are parents fancy going to some outdoor thing they can bring their kids along to on the weekend.

Agree with Welshgal that you should start out slowly and build, and that some sort of counseling might be a good idea to try and get some more self awareness about why you feel the way you do.

TWmover · 30/12/2021 19:59

Have you seen the courses by School of Life in London (they are held virtually now), some interesting ones on bring sociable, self awareness, finding your most suitable job etc? They might be helpful in getting to know yourself?

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