Is your DH’s family better off than yours?

[MsWalterMitty]

Dh’s parents are 20 yrs older than my mine (in 70s) and are both retired from well paid jobs, but not rich. They own their own home and are pretty frivolous with money I would say. Their house is immaculate, always having upgrades, enough rooms for us to stay comfortably… including bedding/towels/toiletries etc… and always have lots of food in. They want for nothing and are lovely. They are very house proud.

My mum not soo much. Her house is lovely and tidy, but is always ‘undone’ in some way or something is usually broken due to the cost of fixing. She is not as house proud, but it’s cosy. We always have to bring our own bedding, and atleast one person sleeps on the floor. This is how I grew up, and is actually similar to mine and Dh’s house now.

I don’t know why, but I always feel a bit embarrassed taking my dh there. He’s not bothered

I would say wealth-wise, they’re about on an equal footing. But Dh and the dc have never been to my parents’ house, despite the fact I’ve been with Dh for 17 years. My dm died a long time ago and df wont allow any visitors. He lives scruffily, although does manage to keep things just about clean enough (just). He’s antisocial and will visit us but only for short periods.

PIL on the other hand are welcoming and hospitable, and have a nice, clean and tidy house that’s comfortable to visit.

I don’t compare them because they are so very different. Df is who he is; I love him and he won’t change, so I don’t worry about it.

My family is far wealthier than dps. Mum and dad's house is always immaculate and ready for guests.

Dp only has step mil left. She rarely replaces anything, there's always stuff about. It's clean but untidy. It might not always be guest ready but she would find somewhere to put you up if you needed it.

However, we both enjoy spending time at eachothers family, because we like the people. I spend more time with step mil than dp.

I love his family and he loves mine. That's whats important, not if someone has to sleep on the floor.

My family has more money than OHs, but not significantly so. I think the bigger differences come from attitudes and opinions - OHs family does things differently to mine and whilst I don't always want to do things the way they do, I've learned to accept it as difference of opinion and just roll with it.

You may be overthinking it. Your DH probably had things about his family that he may be a bit embarrassed about, no family is perfect.

Best not to compare, though I also do it! My family are like your PIL - lovely home, John Lewis towels, regularly upgraded bathrooms etc. It’s v comfy to stay and we have nice food. We can’t stay at my PIL (divorced so two homes) as FIL is an extreme hoarder and MIL lives in a tiny, overly cluttered house! I don’t think anything of it and am actually pleased we don’t need to stay over!

Mrs Walter - my family had ups and downs and in laws house a show home, both dh an I would rather be able to relax, help ourselves to food - drink and be causual and relaxed than step foot into incredibly uncomfortable pils home.

Yes. You'd probably fit my parents house in FIL's hall. He's as tight as a duck's arse though 😂

I'm surprised this bothers you when you're married; as a young, new couple maybe, but this seems a rather juvenile thing to bother you as a married woman.

There's not a huge difference in monetary wealth between my family and my PILs and both live in similar houses however when it comes to manners and attitudes my family are much richer than the rude, stingy a**holes.

DH’s parents are baby boomers and don’t understand (and neither does DH) that being only 10 years younger, my parents haven’t had the same luck as DH’s parents. We’re very lucky that DH’s parents have help us out with big cash gifts but they’re much tighter day to day. My parents don’t have as much in savings but are much more generous with their time and little things.

Mil lives in a tiny one bedroomed rented apartment. It's very nicely decorated and she doesn't have much stuff. There's absolutely no place we could stay if we wanted/needed to. Luckily we live close enough to visit for an afternoon and not need to stay (far enough away that she can't just turn up for an unannounced visit)

My parents have a 3 bedroomed house that they own. My brother lives there too though, so there's "only" 1 spare bedroom but they've set that up as a family room with a double bed and a set of bunk beds. Their house is much bigger than mil's but it is very, very cluttered, messy and often dirty (they've recently got a cleaner though so the kitchen and bathroom get properly cleaned once a week).

Our house is a 3 bed ex council house that we own with a mortgage. Mil is amazed that we can afford that (we could afford something bigger/newer/nicer if we were willing to stretch our finances or move to a less nice area). We don't have any spare rooms though, so people can't come to visit. There's just about enough space that dd2 can have a sleepover because she's got bunk beds in her room specifically for sleepovers. We're cluttered and untidy too, and most of the house could do with being decorated, but there's never enough time/money to do it.

Husbands family far wealthier than mine. We weren’t poor but they’re rich.

@userisi2 there’s a lot that goes along with wealth gaps. It not necessarily juvenile. I am really struggling adjusting to the difference and it’s been about 4 years for me.

No.

Yes but they are "normally off" if that makes sense? Not rolling in it, but can afford to do house repairs, keep a tidy car running, have a meal out every so often. My DPs are crap with money management and consequently never have tuppence to rub together. I provide them with financial support.

If you’re parents are in their fifties, you are very young? Teenage or early twenties? I think, and I mean this gently, it’s something you’ll grow out of.

PILs are less well off than we are, but not as badly off as they make out! FIL in particular is very tight. MIL criticises our “profligate” lifestyle and spending a lot. She sees no need to ever eat out, for example. We visited BIL and SIL and the niblings and we offered to get pizza in for everyone so SIL didn’t have to cook 2 nights in a row. MIL was horrified at such spendthriftery and refused to partake in any of the pizza, even though we were paying! She made herself a sandwich MIL is also constantly buying charity shop clothes for the grandkids, which SIL hates. I do think SIL is a bit snobby - her family is very well off - but also, MIL buys the stuff to make a point to SIL rather than because she genuinely wants to buy something nice for her grandkids.

FIL, on the other hand, will never buy anything himself but if someone else is paying he’s happy to accept - including eating the kids’ leftovers!

DP’s parents are wealthy. The family business was very successful and provided them with a very nice standard of living, then they sold it for several million pounds & retired.

My parents are ordinary working class people from a small town in Derbyshire. One worked in a factory, the other in a shop.

My ILs have one four bedroomed, ordinary suburban house in a quite nice neighbourhood. They refit the kitchen every three years and every room reeks strongly of zoflora and is heated to a balmy 30 degrees.

My parents own two four bedroom period properties in a national park. I have to clean up what I can every so often because they are borderline hoarders who hardly so much as wipe down the kitchen surfaces.

I think that's a tie? Both places awkward to visit in their own ways.

(we split the difference with our nice Victorian end terrace with a cleaner but no zoflora and normal heating)

My parents are dead now but my PIL are far wealthier. You wouldn't know it. My DP house was immaculate, clean, warm, reasonably modern, well decorated.
PIL stash their money and don't spend. They have hundreds of thousands despite FIL retiring at 55 and MIL never working a day again after the birth of SIL. The kitchen and bathrooms are over 50 years old, threadbare carpets, family tat handed down through generations, cluttered and dirty. Nothing ever replaced or renewed unless it breaks, even then FIL will nail it together.
Don't understand it at all.

Pil are very wealthy and live in a big house, however it’s absolutely filthy and I hate staying there. My parents are modestly well off but there house is warm and immaculately clean, they also feed us well whereas PIL and terrible and it’s ready meals or nothing.

If you’re parents are in their fifties, you are very young? Teenage or early twenties? I think, and I mean this gently, it’s something you’ll grow out of.

I know you're being deliberately obtuse to be patronising but you're coming across incredibly stupid. Or do you need a biology and maths lesson rolled into one?

well for starters better pick up some cheap extra bedding...why would you want to perpetuate disorganization. not like two extra pillows, a sheet set and a duvet over the next 12 months is overly aspirational...add in a towel set and a basket of extra toiletries and your guests and voila.

Both mine and DH's are dirt poor. It sucks. We both joke we should have married someone richer :o

I'm divorced, but no, my ex husband is from a much poorer background than me. His mum was an alcoholic and lived on disability benefits. He's never met his dad.

@Bluntness100

If you’re parents are in their fifties, you are very young? Teenage or early twenties? I think, and I mean this gently, it’s something you’ll grow out of.

My mum is 52, stepdad is 48. I'm 31.

With Late 50s parents most people are in there 30s surely? 58 year old having had a child at 20 would have a 38 year old today, who isn’t really a teenager.

Pil house is much bigger and cleaner, more guest space. My parents is a 3 bed hoarders house, can’t even fit in to have a cup of tea.