Is your DH’s family better off than yours?

[MsWalterMitty]

Dh’s parents are 20 yrs older than my mine (in 70s) and are both retired from well paid jobs, but not rich. They own their own home and are pretty frivolous with money I would say. Their house is immaculate, always having upgrades, enough rooms for us to stay comfortably… including bedding/towels/toiletries etc… and always have lots of food in. They want for nothing and are lovely. They are very house proud.

My mum not soo much. Her house is lovely and tidy, but is always ‘undone’ in some way or something is usually broken due to the cost of fixing. She is not as house proud, but it’s cosy. We always have to bring our own bedding, and atleast one person sleeps on the floor. This is how I grew up, and is actually similar to mine and Dh’s house now.

I don’t know why, but I always feel a bit embarrassed taking my dh there. He’s not bothered

My DH and I grew up with remarkably similar backgrounds financially and live fairly similarly today.

My XH and I were very different. My family had a nice house, we had the basics, etc. His parents were multi-millionaires. The catch was that they lived like they had next to nothing. It was really strange to go visit them out in their country home because we would end up driving trucks that were literally falling apart and we would have to repair on the side of the road, sometimes with tape and string.. The plumbing would break again and they would pull out buckets and no one else would bat an eye. They were the nicest people, but it was culture shock in the extreme. The dad had grown up in a pretty typical middle income lifestyle in the outer city, but he got lucky early in his career, got really rich, and decided to live his dream life in the country and never spend any of it except on travel and quality equipment for extreme outdoor adventures.

My XH had chosen to live more in “my” world, but the differences in our background still caused issues at times. For starters, I didn’t have a trust fund backing me up. We also disagreed on the best uses for money. He placed a strong value on experiences. I valued long term investment in housing and vehicles and things used in day to day life.

@Caspianberg

With Late 50s parents most people are in there 30s surely? 58 year old having had a child at 20 would have a 38 year old today, who isn’t really a teenager.

Pil house is much bigger and cleaner, more guest space. My parents is a 3 bed hoarders house, can’t even fit in to have a cup of tea.

The average age for first child in the uk is 28.9. So someone who is 58 would on the average have an oldest child who is 30 and possibly some younger children in their 20s

My parents didn't buy their own house until we were teenagers but both now semi retired and comfortable. Always very welcoming and pay for most things, treat us all a lot but don't spend a lot of £££ on superficial things, it's more about spending time together and all pitching in helping each other when it's needed with practical stuff.

PIL on the other hand require our financial support as despite both coming from well off families they have got themselves in circumstances where they live in a property we bought and require extra ££. What infuriates me is that they expect us to foot the bill for everyone if we visit and they expect us to fund a higher standard of living than my parents have (holidays, eating out etc).

Our parents have a similar amount of money but very different lifestyles.

DM lives on her own in a 2 bed house in an expensive area, DPIL live in a larger house in a cheaper part of the country.

DM although her income was similar to PIL had a very different upbringing so there are some major differences in behaviour. I would say this is more important than how much money they have.

My family is considerably more wealthy than my OH’s. Their house doesn’t bother me when we visit but I struggle to stay over as their hygiene and cleanliness is downright awful. Thankfully my OH is a complete clean freak so he doesn’t like to stay over either. However I don’t contribute their lack of hygiene on wealth.

@Blossom64265 - that’s the average age today though isn’t it? Not 30 odd years ago. 30 odd years ago average was more like 20-25

Parents had similar amounts of money.

ILs got lucky with a bargain house years ago in an area with lots of social cachet, I grew up in a more prosaic wealthy suburb. ILs spent a lot of their income on privately educating their kids; my brother was, but sister and I went to local grammar (sister surprisingly didn't get into private school, I didn't want to go to it - not favouritism for my brother or anything!)

MIL was initially very unimpressed with me and seemed to think I was 'marrying up' when it came to DH - as far as I was concerned we are from exactly the same social strata.

I think ILs tend to live a little above their means to preserve a 'front' but can just about afford it. My dad spends money freely which drives my mum crazy as she grew up very poor in Eastern Europe.

My ILs are a lot wealthier now than my parents, due to FIL’s good business sense and investments. However both sets of parents started in similar situations (council estates in the 50s and 60s), and even DH had a frugal upbringing, his dad didn’t start to make the big bucks until DH was 15/16.
So although now there’s a big difference between our families wealth and homes etc, (FIL drives an Aston Martin, vs my dad’s 10 year old Ford Escort) they get along fine as they’re from a similar background.

@Bluntness100

If you’re parents are in their fifties, you are very young? Teenage or early twenties? I think, and I mean this gently, it’s something you’ll grow out of.

I’m 38. Married for 17yrs.

I am obvs juvenile

No, mine were a lot better off than dh's

Both sets of parents are fairly wealthy . DH is the highest earner but keeps quiet about it . FIL mentioned that BIL earned X amount and dh and I just nodded and said that’s great 😃

@Bluntness100

If you’re parents are in their fifties, you are very young? Teenage or early twenties? I think, and I mean this gently, it’s something you’ll grow out of.

bit of a random assumption - of course if OPs mum was 32 when she had her and is only 51 now then OP would only be 19....but on the information given it's equally likely her mum could have given birth aged 18 and is now 59, making OP 41. Or anywhere in-between those two!

Neither of my DP have education post school, and both sets of grandparents started their own businesses after the war (grandfathers served). My DF continued the family business and me and my sibling joined after we had finished education. My DP had a comfortable life a nice property with some land and now with investments a comfortable retirement. They spend money on their hobbies, house and are generous to the DGC. The house is functional, warm, slightly messy and welcoming. I am there usually bi-weekly, my sibling more often.
PIL are better educated, degree plus level. MIL worked in education and has a reasonable pension, FIL for a large organisation that was privatised, he ended up quite high up and has a good pension. Their house is reasonable in size, always immaculate and we hardly ever get invited round. MIL has a poor working class background and does not spend money.

My husbands parents are very wealthy, when we got married for his wedding present they paid off the mortgage on his flat (in Cambridge, so not cheap), when he turned 18 they bought him a summer house (he’s Swedish).

They still send him a monthly allowance (he’s 29!), as they think the salary of an actuary is very very low and their little prince must be barely making ends meet. He usually sends it back, he keeps it during his birthday month, he sometimes donates it to charity, usually a charity his parents wouldn’t approve of 😂

My parents weren’t at all well off, first generation immigrants with poor English, so jobs that were generally less than NMW.

[quote Caspianberg]@Blossom64265 - that’s the average age today though isn’t it? Not 30 odd years ago. 30 odd years ago average was more like 20-25[/quote]
30 years ago it was 25.6
40 it was 24.8
The lowest point was 1970 with 23.9, if you go back further than that it actually starts trending upwards.

DP and I are old, parents long dead, I think growing up her family didn't have much more money than ours. She has three siblings and they range from quite well off to very wealthy. My brother seems to do ok, I have much less money than DP, but enough.

I have to be honest, I’m surprised you’re nearly forty and been together nearly two decades and still ashamed of your parents home.

My husband grew up relatively wealthy middle class, large detached home etc, I grew up in council accommodation, I never ever felt embarrassed when I took my husband there, becayse I never perceived what my father did and had as being any reflection on me as an adult. And I met my husband when I was twenty,

However I grew up in an abusive home, so I guess I was emotionally detached, but I felt and still feel, I as an adult am not in any way responsible for their lives.

You grew up in a loving home, with loving parents, many don’t have that, for me that’s something to be proud of, not what they had materialisticly.

Op can I ask what have you achieved as an adult? Financially? Are you successful in your career and do you contribute equally, if not more, financlly to your own home?

@cptartapp

My parents are dead now but my PIL are far wealthier. You wouldn't know it. My DP house was immaculate, clean, warm, reasonably modern, well decorated. PIL stash their money and don't spend. They have hundreds of thousands despite FIL retiring at 55 and MIL never working a day again after the birth of SIL. The kitchen and bathrooms are over 50 years old, threadbare carpets, family tat handed down through generations, cluttered and dirty. Nothing ever replaced or renewed unless it breaks, even then FIL will nail it together. Don't understand it at all.

Maybe they just aren't interested in 'stuff'. If something works, why replace it? There are environmental arguments for living exactly as they do. Or maybe they are worried about care home fees for two.

As long as they are happy and safe.

OP, your DH is right. Stop worrying.

If your dm is welcoming and pleased to see you both, why would it matter? If your DH is bothered by something being broken, he could always offer to help her fix it.

mint safe??.. mmmm. That's another story. Their refusal to plan for their old age and spend on downsizing/adapting accordingly has already resulted in one badly broken femur.

...and unless they live to 99 they can afford care home fees for too. What else is their money for?

I'm from a council estate, never had money growing up. Raised on benefits, chaotic house hold etc etc. My parents are not English. My dh comes from a firmly middle class, classic middle England home owning back ground. State schools but he and his siblings all ended up at an oxbridge college. In context their house was like Buckingham Palace compared to my mum's. There were definitely times I was uncomfortable with the difference but it's never driven a wedge. His family are incredibly generous with money, mine with love and child care! Swings and roundabouts...

My DH’s parents are dead now, they had a nice affluent retirement and a lovely house which sold for 400k about 5 years ago.
I only have my DM left and both my parents were younger than my in laws. They divorced years ago and each have/had a flat. Financially they were probably similar.

@Bluntness100

Op can I ask what have you achieved as an adult? Financially? Are you successful in your career and do you contribute equally, if not more, financlly to your own home?

I’ma teacher, we have 2 kids. Both full time workers. DH is the higher earner. Our bills are split 60/40 him the most