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Original poster

I overheard dd's boyfriend saying his house is more 'fun' than ours. I feel a bit hurt!

96 replies

Wisteriabloom · 27/12/2021 16:05

Our daughter (age 22) and our son (18) both live with us.

We all had a very busy run-up to Christmas with work, shopping, meeting up with friends etc, was at my sister's house Christmas Day and hosted dh's family Boxing Day. All went very well!

Much as dh & I are sociable people, I think we generally see these days between Xmas & New Year as a chance to.chill, catch up on TV, enjoy any new books/music we've been given, and eat leftovers!

Dd's boyfriend is staying with us, then they're both going back to his family on Wednesday, and staying New Year. I overheard part of his phone call to his friend about New Year plans. He said 'Yeah we're only here until Wednesday, then back to mine for New Year, we actually have FUN at my house!'

Now he's perfectly polite to us, and we both make an effort hosting him, cooking, chatting etc, but I've never really felt we've 'gelled'. We watch completely different stuff on TV to him (I actually don't 'get' some of his film references and type of humour🤔

He's not into sport at all (dh is an avid football fan), so they haven't even got that in common! Dh also struggles to know what to talk to him about. Dd is, by nature a fairly quiet person ( a bit like me), and doesn't really say much when he's with us all. As dh says, it seems up to us to 'make all the jolly'! They do go out when they're here, but never for long and anyway, it's a rainy long Xmas Bank Holiday! I'm upstairs at the computer at the moment, pretending I'm catching up with work, but I'm really escaping the stilted atmosphere for an hour! He does try with us, as we do him but dh & I are both feeling we can't just chill out as we normally could on a Christmas Bank Holiday!

From what dd says, at his house there's lots of noise all the time, ie doors banging, playing tricks on each other, games or Charades, but we're not really that sort of family!

Dh is getting annoyed with me as he said he needs to accept us how we are, and with all the effort I'm making to host he should be grateful (I think he is, he's always saying thank you and offering to help out), but it's a bit awkward how different we are from each other!

I'm aware of it generally, but things like this are always more pronounced over Xmas, aren't they!!

OP posts:

BoredZelda · 27/12/2021 17:34

From what dd says, at his house there's lots of noise all the time, ie doors banging, playing tricks on each other, games or Charades, but we're not really that sort of family!

Bleurgh. Sounds exhausting. I’ll bet they have a sign that says “welcome to the mad house” and “you don’t have to be mad to live here but it helps”

Your place sounds just fine.

Original poster

Wisteriabloom · 27/12/2021 17:34

I'm 50 btw, and dh is 57. Both our two are into games consoles, they recently got a new VR headset which we've all had a go on, I may suggest that tonight. i couldn't do a whole evening on it though! 🤣 Yes, dd does need to be more pro-active. She sits, tapping away on her phone a lot🤔

OP posts:

BoredZelda · 27/12/2021 17:36

The replacement is here at the moment, watching Netflix quietly in her room having brought us a home made cake and card reading ‘thank you for being so generous to me this last year.’

“The replacement” What a hideous way to refer to your son’s girlfriend.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Allycott · 27/12/2021 17:36

@Ionlydomassiveones

I couldn’t and wouldn’t have the energy to run the kind of house that would be ‘fun’ for a 22 year old male. My house is fun for a pair of old crusties which means we have good food, good heating, plenty of booze, papers, TV channels and books. My kids treat it as a haven for downtime and then they get on with their frenetic 20-something lives. Horses for courses.

I wouldn’t take it personally. One day he’ll be a boring fart who likes peace and quiet!

Your house sounds like an excellent place to spend Christmas - can I book for next year?

Gretaburley · 27/12/2021 17:38

My dd’s in-laws are all fun and games and drunken singing.
They also fall out in drunken explosions and argue loudly about politics.

I know they think we’re boring but I couldn’t care less. I like calm and an even keel and drunk people scare me.

me4real · 27/12/2021 17:39

Bloody hell, it's not your family's job to entertain your DD's boyfriend. Be nice and all (if he's an ok guy) but you don't have to put on entertainments/a show.

ASDmam · 27/12/2021 17:43

I couldn’t care less what a 22 year old thought of my (our) house, he’s old enough to sort his own ‘entertainment’ out.

user1481050140 · 27/12/2021 17:43

Sounds a bit of an immature douch but again, i’ve f he’s polite enough and a good for your daughter id let it slide.

On the flip side, i’d be making a bit of a point to him/ them of why they are sitting at home with parents when they are young, it may be wet and dreary out but don’t they have friends, places to go etc.? Just seems weird that they are expecting / you feel an expectation to entertain 20 something year olds?! Can’t you say something along lines of “aren’t you 2 going out at all? seeing mates, going to pub, cinema, on a date etc…?!- how odd, when we were younger we’d do lots more than that, particularly at this time of year. Certainly wouldn’t be staying at home all the time with our parents..”

SpilltheTea · 27/12/2021 17:44

I wouldn't expect to entertain my daughter's boyfriend, nor would I think they'd want me to. I think it's unlikely that he's talking about you personally. He might just have more stuff he considers 'fun' to do at his house than whatever your daughter has. I think most people prefer being at their own house.

TractorAndHeadphones · 27/12/2021 17:47

Pp have already talked about different houses are etc but why is your DH annoyed with you? Sounds a bit immature frankly.
Also your daughter doesn’t seem to be making any effort to entertain her boyfriend. If she sits away ‘tapping on her phone’ then what’s he left to do?
If you wanted to chill and relax honestly you shouldn’t have had him over, you sounds like you don’t want him there anyway and if I were him I wouldn’t bother returning next year.

WonderingFree · 27/12/2021 17:49

I think you should be proud of ‘your way’ rather than worry/be apologetic about a random 22yr olds opinion. Hope ur not passing on this apologetic side to your son - be proud of the home life you have.

TractorAndHeadphones · 27/12/2021 17:49

Also just returns from the IL’s - 3 days is about all we can handle!
I’d never just lounge about at home though I’d always have something planned. Because of covid I’d imagine they’re stuck at home but even then it’s your daughter’s responsibility to entertain her guest.

I’d be having a word with her if I were you.

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 17:51

I imagine the DH is a bit annoyed because HE likes and is happy and proud of his family Christmas

And the Op seems to think that overhearing a 22 year old boyfriend”s discussion suddenly means that actually he has a point and their Christmas is boring

lomoloko · 27/12/2021 17:51

I think you have to just get over it a bit? He's not complained to you, or been rude to you. He's not asked that you do anything and there's nothing you need do. Your houses are different. It's to be expected.

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 17:53

@Wisteriabloom

Well then you need to prepare her to be dumped because he sounds like he enjoys a more sociable life

And why the heck are you thinking about plans for the evening and suggesting they get their new gifts out, that you arent all that keen on anyway.

Own your Christmas FFS OP! Be proud and happy.

shinynewapple21 · 27/12/2021 17:57

I wouldn't worry about it OP. As long as you, your DH and your DC are happy in your house , that's what matters .

WonderfulYou · 27/12/2021 17:58

Doesn’t everyone think this about their own home?

Regardless of what you do for Xmas you tend to enjoy whatever you’re used to.

My friend’s family aren’t allowed the TV on all day and just have loud music playing all day - I love watching Xmas movies so I’d hate it.

minipie · 27/12/2021 17:59

Your 22 year old’s boyfriend is her guest really, not yours. At least as far as entertainment goes. If he is bored, that’s on her not on you.

1forAll74 · 27/12/2021 18:19

I actually don't like young people visiting my place, I like to chat to people, and maybe jolly thing along a bit with a bit of music on, not loud music though, But all young people are addicted to phones now, they come in with phones glued to hands, sit down with phones glued to hands, and don't seem bothered about communicating with anyone in the room. I try and avoid all phone addicts.

me4real · 27/12/2021 18:21

@Wisteriabloom Is it that your daughter isn't very outgoing, and you want to facilitate her keeping a boyfriend? Sooner or later they'll spend some time by themselves and she'll have to fall back on her own social skills.

ShowOfHands · 27/12/2021 18:21

I met dh when we were teens and our families were so different. My family are v quiet and introverted, Christmas was just the 4 of us, then 3 when my brother moved out. All v polite and friendly I suppose but mostly just watching television and chatting. DH's family were overwhelming at first. Lots of games and noise, open door policy, laughter, music, huge amount of socialising and guests. I know 23yrs later that DH was overwhelmed by my family as I was by his and naturally, we preferred our own ways. However, we've evolved to incorporate both styles in a happy medium. It's easy to denigrate what's different to you as a defence. In fact, people on here are doing it to reassure the op. However, there's a lot to learn from the way other people celebrate. I now happily include an element of noise, music, people, games and silliness amongst the book reading and relaxing and quiet walks. And interestingly, both our families love to come to ours and seem to appreciate the mix.

DH was that 22yr old once upon a time and it felt alien to him. He couldn't be less like my parents but they've developed a close relationship over the years. Does he still prefer his family's way of celebrating? Probably, it's what he grew up with after all but he has the perspective to appreciate it now.

It's okay to feel a bit hurt op.

I do think however, that everybody would have a better time if you did what makes you happy. Just get on with what brings you joy and try not to accommodate him in such a stilted way. Guests respond better to happy hosts and it's your house. Have fun in your own way and he might feel more comfortable.

mbosnz · 27/12/2021 18:22

He's used to his household, and their way of doing things, and it's possible it's his first time away from Christmas - so it may seem very strange and different, and he could be yearning for the comfort of the familiar!

It's so hard meshing families, and particularly at Christmas! He was overheard on the phone talking to his mate, so he was indiscreet, but you said yourself, he's been perfectly polite, and I'm sure it's equally awkward for you all.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 27/12/2021 18:23

Ah, this reminds me of a situation many years ago when my dd (then 7) had a school friend over for tea.
I heard her saying to get mum when she left that she was never coming round again as we didn't have enough tellies

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/12/2021 18:31

I’m sure this was very hurtful to hear. You only heard such a small snippet of his thoughts too. He does think his family is more fun. He may however think your family is more supportive, relaxing, responsible.

NumberTheory · 27/12/2021 18:32

OP one thing you can take from this is that your DD has a boyfriend who is mature enough to fit in with his “inlaws” for her sake, even though it isn’t really his cup of tea. He’s polite and helpful to you, not critiquing everything you do (or don’t do!). He comes over rather than insisting DD spends all her time at his. He didn’t intend for you to overhear - he wasn’t mean.

So often on hear we get threads about teen boyfriends or girlfriends where they spend no time with the family that doesn’t do things the way they like. Or they spend all their time in in the bedroom, popping out only to raid the fridge.

Your DD has someone who will go somewhere that isn’t his first choice and he will do his best, for her, to get on. Isn’t that good?

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