I overheard dd's boyfriend saying his house is more 'fun' than ours. I feel a bit hurt!

[Wisteriabloom]

Our daughter (age 22) and our son (18) both live with us.

We all had a very busy run-up to Christmas with work, shopping, meeting up with friends etc, was at my sister's house Christmas Day and hosted dh's family Boxing Day. All went very well!

Much as dh & I are sociable people, I think we generally see these days between Xmas & New Year as a chance to.chill, catch up on TV, enjoy any new books/music we've been given, and eat leftovers!

Dd's boyfriend is staying with us, then they're both going back to his family on Wednesday, and staying New Year. I overheard part of his phone call to his friend about New Year plans. He said 'Yeah we're only here until Wednesday, then back to mine for New Year, we actually have FUN at my house!'

Now he's perfectly polite to us, and we both make an effort hosting him, cooking, chatting etc, but I've never really felt we've 'gelled'. We watch completely different stuff on TV to him (I actually don't 'get' some of his film references and type of humour🤔

He's not into sport at all (dh is an avid football fan), so they haven't even got that in common! Dh also struggles to know what to talk to him about. Dd is, by nature a fairly quiet person ( a bit like me), and doesn't really say much when he's with us all. As dh says, it seems up to us to 'make all the jolly'! They do go out when they're here, but never for long and anyway, it's a rainy long Xmas Bank Holiday! I'm upstairs at the computer at the moment, pretending I'm catching up with work, but I'm really escaping the stilted atmosphere for an hour! He does try with us, as we do him but dh & I are both feeling we can't just chill out as we normally could on a Christmas Bank Holiday!

From what dd says, at his house there's lots of noise all the time, ie doors banging, playing tricks on each other, games or Charades, but we're not really that sort of family!

Dh is getting annoyed with me as he said he needs to accept us how we are, and with all the effort I'm making to host he should be grateful (I think he is, he's always saying thank you and offering to help out), but it's a bit awkward how different we are from each other!

I'm aware of it generally, but things like this are always more pronounced over Xmas, aren't they!!

I don’t get why surprised

You say you overheard him saying this
But then list all the ways he is correct to think that

There’s nothing wrong though with your set up

It’s just not to his taste
And shame you overheard

Everyone is different. One person’s fun is another person’s hell. And actually, shouldn’t your DD be making more of an effort? After all, he’s her boyfriend, she’s the reason he’s there at all. It’s no use her sitting being all sweet and quiet, leaving her fun-loving boyfriend to be entertained by her middle aged parents!

For what it’s worth, I’d choose your Christmas over his any day. I remember being near a huge extended family on a plane once, and they larked around and played pranks on each other constantly. If they’d been in the same hotel as us I’d have left.

Wnat does your daughter do at his house?
If she just sits in yours not speaking and leaving you and her dad to make the conversation, then is she "fun" at his?

I have the same issue. DD's (my eldest) boyfriend is from a huge extended close knit family so there's always a get together or party going on in one house or another. In comparison we have very little family locally, just us and an elderly grandparent so occasions at our house tend to be a board game or a film.

He's never outright said anything but I can tell it's a bit dull for him because it isn't what he's used to. I'm not bothered though as we can't be something we're not currently. In years to come when all my kids are grown and have partners or children then things might liven up again.

Try not to take it to heart.

Its just different, people prefer their own families at xmas and such because it's what you've grown up with. My DH family spends every xmas just his 2 siblings and parents and then me and DH alternate between our parents houses. Their house is always "loud" but I find it a bit boring and weird because its just them. Then to make it a bit different there is loads of organised board games and enforced fun. In my family we always have my parents, siblings, aunt and uncles, cousins, step siblings, grandparents and everyone just mingles. Some muck in with the food, some go out on a walk, some have a natter and a laugh. Theres no organised fun but it's more interesting because we are all together as a big family. I wouldnt say this to him though, its just because I'd rather be with my fam at xmas

He’s bored, and unable to relax in a house with people he doesn’t know we’ll and has nothing in common with.

No need to feel hurt, OP, you’re just very different, just suggest they only come for a couple of nights next time (and hope she doesn’t marry him, he sounds exhausting).

I can see why you might feel hurt by his comment but I don’t know why you are surprised that he doesn’t find your house fun. From your OP I don’t see why he would - and that is no criticism of you at all! You are from different generations, don’t have anything in common, watch the same tv shows etc. Added to the fact that many people feel uncomfortable staying in other people’s homes, he is probably feeling like he can’t do the things he would like to do so is probably feeling bored and frustrated. I am 43 and have nothing in common with a 22 year old man. I think your house sounds lovely and we are much the same here. If he was in my home he would probably be bored to tears. You weren’t meant to hear the comment and he obviously felt a bit awkward from his response. I don’t think he would want to upset you, it’s just your lives are very different and that is ok

It's unfortunate you heard, but you've listed all the ways yourself why he is probably not having fun. You've said he's polite and it wasn't meant for your ears, so I'd try not to dwell on it or keep arguing with dh about it.

Well good. It's good that he likes being with his own family more than with you. Surely that's only natural if he comes from a loving family. We all feel more natural and relaxed among our own loved ones. And if he's a keeper he'll try to be loving with his own children if they'll have them, which is a positive thing. He did come to stay and says thank you and everything so he is doing his bit.

I would probably prefer the other house but it really doesn’t matter does it. We are all different and enjoy different things. You said he is polite and respectful which is really what’s important.

DH and PP putting the boyfriend down are a bit harsh I think. He hasn’t said or acted like he is ungrateful. Perhaps with the atmosphere he feels like he can’t relax either. I think you all need to just breathe. You can get on with what you enjoy separately but still be around each other iyswim

No need to be a Party Palace (ugh) but do you do anything sociable?

No games of any sort?

Why don't you go downstairs and have a quick half hour game of charades? You might enjoy it!

[quote HaggisBurger]**@Wisteriabloom* get one of the dogs to sht in his bed. Great jolly jape for him 😉😂[/quote]
Bwaaahaaaa!

Love it !

There's nothing wrong or strange about him preferring his own family's way of doing things. I think it's only a problem if his inability to tolerate your family's ways prevents you and your daughter from seeing each other and having some family holidays together. If he's trying to convince your daughter that there's something "wrong" with your family's ways, or that holidays at your house are so awful that she needs to stop coming to you and go to his "more fun" family, then I think that's a problem (assuming their plan is to stay together permanently). But if he just enjoys his family more, that's normal.

YANBU to be hurt but it wasn’t meant for your ears and it sounds like you and your DD’s boyfriend have different ideas of what constitutes fun. It sounds like his family and household are very different, he sees it as fun but who knows maybe next week when they’re there it’ll be your DD criticising his family for being too overwhelming/ full on and longing to be back in the chilled and relaxed atmosphere of your home!

He is NBU to find your family dynamics a bit of a challenge if they’re not what he’s used to and I think it’s fairly standard for a lot of people to find visiting the ILs and being immersed in another family’s way of doing things challenging. It sounds like he is a polite and helpful houseguest and like he is trying hard to get on with everyone and be appreciative and that is the main thing.

I do get what he means. At my parents its games, quizzes and generally noisy - dp was a bit overwhelmed! I would find a family who sits around quietly less fun

My DS1 has a girlfriend who was always insinuating that her family were closer than ours and wanted to do everything together.

She’s now the ex. Turns out DS1 found them utterly exhausting.

The replacement is here at the moment, watching Netflix quietly in her room having brought us a home made cake and card reading ‘thank you for being so generous to me this last year.’

Banging doors and playing tricks on each other would very quickly become very irritating for me.

I'd really much prefer your quieter and more chilled home.

Everyone is different though. He didn't mean to be rude because he didn't intend you to hear him. He's just finding things a bit different and quieter than he's used to.

You shouldn't really need to get involved with what 20 somethings are doing or their entertainment. Leave them to it.

I also wouldn't have any thoughts either way about whether this is a long term relationship. It may be but it's just as likely that it isn't.

While I can understand you are a bit hurt, it doesn't sound like he was being deliberately rude. I think it is pretty understandable that he finds your house a bit boring, it sounds like you can understand this too. It is normal to prefer the style of christmas you are used to. He sounds like he has made an effort to be polite during his stay. I imagine your dd would prefer your place to his parents when she is there too, and would similarly be too polite to say so.

DH's house is very quiet and no games and TV that I don't enjoy (Think Strictly and Call the Midwife), my parents house is lots of games and music. We suffer each others houses politely each time but much prefer our own parents houses. And we both prefer our own house where we can completely relax. I'm sure this is the norm.

Well, my son wouldn't find fun without game console, may be the same for him?

I am an introvert, I don't like visitors staying for more than 4 hours, I am happy for them to short stay

People generally prefer their own families, traditions, recipes and ways of cooking food, vibe and so on.

I'd be interested in a chat with your DD when she returns home to find out about the atmosphere, activities and so on to understand what he means by 'fun' though would have zero interest in increasing the fun quotient in mine. If your DD is 'quiet', don't be surprised if her worst nigttmare is a 'funner' house.

Thanks for all your responses - We do have fun in our house but it's different to his, I suppose. There's always music on, good food, tins of chocolates on the go, a lively dog etc. If there's something good on TV we'll suggest we all watch it. Normally we'd suggest us all going to a theatre or cinema between Xmas & New Year, but dd & boyfriend don't want to as they're worried about Covid. (We are too, but feel safe masking up etc, they're more cautious)!
We're not really into Charades etc, but even dd & ds find that sort of game embarrassing (I think dd does a lot of 'watching' and taking pics at his house, rather than joining in herself, but she likes that! (In answer to one poster's question).

Dh is annoyed with me because he doesn't want pressure to be 'different' these few days, he's enjoying relaxing before work stsrts up again. There's not an 'awkward' atmosphere in our house btw, we're sociable, have a laugh etc but we're not loud! 18 year old ds is fairly quiet too, dd's boyfriend did comment what a quiet bunch of lads his friends are too (they were here yesterday).

Perhaps he should have stayed with us over Xmas rather than after, there were a lot more people around!

Spending Christmas with someone else's family at that age has never going to be ideal. There are any number of moaning posts on here from much older and more mature people about having to go to the in-laws at Christmas!

We're a quiet family too, so someone from a larger more extrovert family would definitely struggle at that age. He had every right to express that you his friend, just as we have every right to post on here about in-law Christmas days. He didn't mean you to hear it, we don't mean for anyone in our real lives to read our posts here.

Your DH is right. Put it out of your mind. And yes, it's up to your DD to play her part too.

You sound like you selling you and your family OP!