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Original poster

Where do you go for help with caring?

99 replies

newyear2022 · 27/12/2021 14:21

Relative I’m carer for appears to suddenly need 24/7 help - with absolutely everything .

No other nearby family, friends, or neighbours . Social work are involved apparently but not provided me any contact details for Christmas .

I’m absolutely exhausted . Relative can’t do anything beyond get self dressed and use the toilet and wash and even then they need assistance . Wandering the house or staring into space 24/7 . Can’t be left alone for more than 5-10 minutes .

I’m totally out my depth and can’t walk out as I’m scared social will insist they go in a home . I can’t even go for a shower as I’m concerned relative will walk off .

111 have a 2 hour + wait and even then they’ll say it’s a chronic issue that they can’t help with .

I’ve got a GP appointment booked for the 11th . What do I mean time?

OP posts:
AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 27/12/2021 14:23

Can you Google the number for the social services in your area? Unfortunately they may only get a max care package (if any are even available) 4 times per day so will be left alone in between. If it’s really a case of them not being left alone for periods of time then residential is likely the only choice

CorrBlimeyGG · 27/12/2021 14:25

Do you have a social care hub in your area? Google 'social care hub' and the name of your town etc, they should have an out of hours number.

Are there any other relatives that can sit with them to give you a break?

If they're not safe to be left alone, then realistically a care home will be the most likely option. Social care at home will be very limited, unless your relative can afford to self fund.

NeverSurrender · 27/12/2021 14:26

carers.org/
Th Carers Trust have a search facility for support in your area, also contact Adult Social Care for a Needs Assessment and also request a Carers Assessment for you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Care homes General health
Sooverthemill · 27/12/2021 14:27

Out of hours adult social care ( in England) the number will be on your LA website. If you can't cope it's far better to tell them than try to muddle on.

Hen2018 · 27/12/2021 14:28

I’d try your local Association of Carers (might be tricky with the bank holidays).

Original poster
newyear2022 · 27/12/2021 14:28

She’s hiding used knickers in her handbag, she uses toilet paper then drops it on the floor . Doesn’t eat if not prompted . She’s not wearing pants most of the time anymore . She won’t let me get her dressed or washed . Realised she’s using my toothbrush, or washing hair with hand soap, or washing hands with toothpaste .

She sleeps at night I think, I don’t hear her getting up - but I’m totally lost with it all . Today she keeps gathering up teddies and putting them in bags .

I’ve only seen this before in late stage dementia but doctors - consultants, psychiatry etc - are utterly insistent that’s not what this is .

OP posts:
chopc · 27/12/2021 14:29

@newyear2022 you need to get a referral to the rapid response team in your area. If it's out of hours 111 can organize that or your GP if it's in hours

CorrBlimeyGG · 27/12/2021 14:30

What do the doctors think it is?

Is this someone you normally live with?

AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 27/12/2021 14:31

@newyear2022 definitely sounds like some form of advanced dementia to me OP

NeverSurrender · 27/12/2021 14:31

You can't carry on like this with no support OP, some of the charities that support carers might be closed over Xmas/BH but there should be an OOH number on your council website. Is there anyone who can step in for a few hours to give you a break?

Original poster
newyear2022 · 27/12/2021 14:31

@CorrBlimeyGG

Do you have a social care hub in your area? Google 'social care hub' and the name of your town etc, they should have an out of hours number.

Are there any other relatives that can sit with them to give you a break?

If they're not safe to be left alone, then realistically a care home will be the most likely option. Social care at home will be very limited, unless your relative can afford to self fund.

No other nearby family who could help and Mum would never forgive me for leaving her .

They discussed a nursing home before Christmas but vetoed it as doctors said it would probably kill her, as she would just shut down even more .

I’m beyond exhausted . The only advice I got from NHS was to hide all medicines and valuables in my room and close the door and not to allow Mum to use the oven or bath or machinery unsupervised . But that’s not manageable 24/7 alone .

OP posts:
AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 27/12/2021 14:31

How old is she OP? What was she like before? Any signs of urine infections? That can really knock people off

zafferana · 27/12/2021 14:32

I’m scared social will insist they go in a home

Why are you against this OP? If your relative doesn't go into residential care with carers on duty 24/7 what is the alternative? Are you hoping for a home care package? If so, an urgent needs assessment will have to take place.

I’ve only seen this before in late stage dementia but doctors - consultants, psychiatry etc - are utterly insistent that’s not what this is.

So what is it and why the sudden deterioration? Sounds like late stage dementia to me too.

Original poster
newyear2022 · 27/12/2021 14:34

@CorrBlimeyGG

What do the doctors think it is?

Is this someone you normally live with?

My mum - no, only st home for Christmas . I had threads under another username before Christmas . It’s all screaming dementia at me too especially the gathering and pacing the house . But she had four hours of assessments ten days ago and seemingly all the consultants involved said nah, 99% mental illness, very severely so .

She wasn’t like this six months ago (last time I was home for a prolonged period) .

OP posts:
Original poster
newyear2022 · 27/12/2021 14:35

@AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii

How old is she OP? What was she like before? Any signs of urine infections? That can really knock people off
She’s 56 so not that old . She wasn’t this bad before . No signs of a UTI . She had covid booster on Monday and seemed mildly tired and feverish after but nothing else now . Just wandering the house .
OP posts:
Purplewithred · 27/12/2021 14:37

Is your mum diagnosed with Dementia? If so try Dementia Connect for advice about local crisis carer support.

I know this is very hard for you, but if your mum knew you were giving up your life and driving yourself to exhaustion to care for her, would she really want you to do it all yourself? Or would she go into care to spare you the pain and allow you to be her daughter again?

AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 27/12/2021 14:37

Ah so quite young then, something clearly isn’t right here. Was she totally normal before the wandering and collecting etc?

CorrBlimeyGG · 27/12/2021 14:37

I remember your other posts. If they are insistent it is mental illness, then would a section be appropriate? She's not able to keep herself safe.

I'm not suggesting it as an easy or pleasant option, but it's another option to consider. Have you spoken to the MH crisis team?

CorrBlimeyGG · 27/12/2021 14:39

Sorry, should add, a section would obviously be for MH professionals to decide. But calling the crisis team should at least prompt an assessment of her current state.

Original poster
newyear2022 · 27/12/2021 14:40

@AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii

Ah so quite young then, something clearly isn’t right here. Was she totally normal before the wandering and collecting etc?
No, been deteriorating on and off for a long time . She’s a history of severe mental illness - suicide attempts, ECT, self harm and what used to be called pseudoseizures (now NEAD) . Been getting steadily worse for several years.
OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 27/12/2021 14:44

Seriously, has she been checked for a urine infection?? A UTI completely changes people and untreated can have serious longterm affects.
I see you are reluctant regarding her going into care, but surely her safety ( and everybody elses) must take priority.
At some point you will have to go your own home and take up your normal life, if she has other family at whatever distance you have to be honest with them. And if they dont like the way you handle this situation, suggest they step in and fix it!!
A referral to the rapid response team is the way to go. Or contact her gp surgery and tell them you are leaving and its up to them... they have a duty of care....
You have to be tough and be prepared to not be polite. Kick ass where necessary.

gunnersgold · 27/12/2021 14:45

Has she got a uti? This can make you delirious ! I'd take her to an and e and explain the situation!

AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 27/12/2021 14:46

Ok as others have said crisis team is the way to go, does she have a community psychiatric nurse? She really needs reviewed as this is a rapid deterioration

Joystir59 · 27/12/2021 14:47

Refer to local social services for a care needs assessment