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Original poster

Where do you go for help with caring?

99 replies

newyear2022 · 27/12/2021 14:21

Relative I’m carer for appears to suddenly need 24/7 help - with absolutely everything .

No other nearby family, friends, or neighbours . Social work are involved apparently but not provided me any contact details for Christmas .

I’m absolutely exhausted . Relative can’t do anything beyond get self dressed and use the toilet and wash and even then they need assistance . Wandering the house or staring into space 24/7 . Can’t be left alone for more than 5-10 minutes .

I’m totally out my depth and can’t walk out as I’m scared social will insist they go in a home . I can’t even go for a shower as I’m concerned relative will walk off .

111 have a 2 hour + wait and even then they’ll say it’s a chronic issue that they can’t help with .

I’ve got a GP appointment booked for the 11th . What do I mean time?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 28/12/2021 10:15

Sorry if have missed it, but has she been checked for a uti?

MichelleScarn · 28/12/2021 10:16

And have just seen @Sugarplumfairy65 suggested this, wholeheartedly agree!

LtGreggs · 28/12/2021 10:22

Call your aunties. At a minimum, they can offer moral support. But hopefully some practical stuff - sit with her for a few hours, bring you dinner, clean up, help with some phone calls or paperwork.

Interested in this thread?

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Care homes General health
helpfulperson · 28/12/2021 10:25

999 is definitely an option in cases like this. More and more ambulance services have dedicated mental health teams now.

I hope you have managed to get some support.

catfunk · 28/12/2021 10:27

Op this is not sustainable for you it's at crisis point.
Call the aunties.
You say you're scared of her going into a home but what's the other option if she 'can't be left unattended for 5 minutes' ?

notapizzaeater · 28/12/2021 10:32

Call your aunties, they need to see how she is, how long are you staying ? What's the plan when you go ?

JSL52 · 28/12/2021 10:53

I'd head to AE , I don't say that lightly as I work there and know how busy it is.
There should be a mental health team attached to the hospital.

You can't carry on like this.

dangermouseisace · 28/12/2021 11:46

GP’s have a habit of telling MH patients everything is MH related- it's called diagnostic overshadowing. What you're written is concerning and its unfair you are being expected to be 24/7 carer- you need to sleep! I'd second a&e, you've tried other options. Make it clear that you CANNOT look after her and something will be put in place. She's vulnerable adult. It sounds like your mum needs a team of people right now, not one person.

timtam23 · 28/12/2021 11:59

Please call your aunties and try to get a medical assessment for your mum, she may have mental health needs but she is very young to have e.g. dementia. If there has been a recent deterioration any physical illness would need to be ruled out first before saying this is a mental illness or "stress". You could ring the Emergency Duty Team (out of hours social worker) at your local council as they also deal with adult safeguarding and urgent out of hours assessments under the Mental Health Act, but to be honest I think underlying physical causes would need to be ruled out first

Porfre · 28/12/2021 12:07

Personally I think if you havent had any help and shes as bad as you say.

Go to a and e

Notcontent · 28/12/2021 12:45

56 is very young. I would go to A&E as it sounds like some sort of mental or physical health emergency.

unicornsarereal72 · 28/12/2021 13:10

I would phone an ambulance. She is clearly suffering either with an infection or a psychotic episode.

Get your aunts support so you can shower and rest.

Phone social services. Tell them you are packing to leave and they need to take care of your mum.

The place you looked at wasn't suitable. So what are the alternatives. I work with a local home that has small bungalows in their grounds away from the 'big house'. These are great for the people I work with.

Get some rest and start to ask for suggests of care for your mum. She needs full time specialist support. You can not do this alone now.

Original poster
newyear2022 · 28/12/2021 20:11

Looks like it is a UTI - she was more settled this morning so kind of thought maybe I was making a fuss over nothing (plus A&E is £60 in a taxi if not more because xmas - and both A&E and local MI unit won’t see non life threatening without an appt from 111 now…) then we started talking about the TV characters being in the next room again …

So spoke to a GP tonight who said he knew Mum well and agrees not normal for her to be so off - and said UTI .

Having asked mum 100 times today if she’s stinging on the loo - she finally said yes she is . She’s also off balance a bit . So he said probably UTI, have finally got her a face to face tonight for review .

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 28/12/2021 20:12

Try and get a urine sample if you can, fingers crossed it's test and some antibiotics will help.

Original poster
newyear2022 · 28/12/2021 20:12

@unicornsarereal72

I would phone an ambulance. She is clearly suffering either with an infection or a psychotic episode.

Get your aunts support so you can shower and rest.

Phone social services. Tell them you are packing to leave and they need to take care of your mum.

The place you looked at wasn't suitable. So what are the alternatives. I work with a local home that has small bungalows in their grounds away from the 'big house'. These are great for the people I work with.

Get some rest and start to ask for suggests of care for your mum. She needs full time specialist support. You can not do this alone now.

Thank you Flowers, am away to ring GP and social first thing - I’m with you. Can’t do this alone any more . I wish I could but definitely can’t . My aunt works in social care and knows of others with live in care at home which she says she’ll push for, so hopefully .
OP posts:
MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 28/12/2021 20:23

I'm a carer and had similar with a client. I didn't get the support I needed from my employer, sadly, when he clearly was not himself I called an ambulance. Turned out he was suffering from delirium. He was admitted to hospital but doctors could not find the cause of infection causing the delirium. If you don't get better support call an ambulance. Good luck. I hope you get the help you need.

unicornsarereal72 · 28/12/2021 21:21

@newyear2022 hope the antibiotics kick in Soon. You will need to be looking at a continuing health care assessment if you want more than the standard 4 calls a day from social services.

Gather as much evidence as you can and seek support from any organisation that can help you with the process, it isn't easy to get but your mother clearly has some complex needs. So don't be put off.

Original poster
newyear2022 · 29/12/2021 14:01

No UTI seemingly. OOH GP said no idea what’s wrong . SW rang me this morning and said I’ve to attend a case conference next week for mum with I think 11 professionals or so - they said mums GP has been invited, I’m desperately hoping she’s going as I trust her but the idea of that meeting’s very scary, I’m scared if I speak up that they’ll put mum in a home and then I’m betraying her as she wouldn’t want to be in a home at all . Wish I knew what to do for the best .

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 29/12/2021 16:07

Can your aunt go to the meeting with you. Your mum need proper care. And you can't do it by yourself.

Change is hard and your mum feels safe at home because it is all she knows. But once she has adjusted she will thrive with care support and company. And you can be daughter not carer for her.

Be guided by the professionals.

Original poster
newyear2022 · 29/12/2021 17:21

Thank you FlowersFlowers

I’m hoping so - although SW said she wouldn’t be allowed to speak - and GP surgery said they’re trying their damndest to get GP who knows mum and I very well to get a free hour to go too - so at least in that case there’ll be one familiar face (as well as my uncle) . I don’t know any of the others apart from mum’s neurologist . I’ve just emailed friend who’s a GP and asked her to explain it to me in simple English as hoping she’s done this before .

I do these meetings a lot for my sister but they’re easier as it’s just her social worker and a carer and sometimes her learning disability nurse, and because sister attends it’s always kept very informal and lighthearted . She’s got a very secure tenancy through council and cared for by a charity with 24/7 support in the building but only gets actual 6-8 hours a day, the rest she can do herself.

Have managed to chuck out three black bags of crap from mums room which is a good start . If she goes into sheltered housing I dread to think, she still has 99% of her wedding cards, RSVPs, presents (divorced three times as long as married), a huge pile of ladybird books, postcard collection (I think about 5000+) plus a lot of my things are still in my room (wouldn’t fit them into room in halls) . Have sent sister home with her stuff . Things I don’t want to throw out but don’t have a home for either . Tried to start earlier and ended up tearful as I don’t like the thought of packing mum’s life into boxes .

Family said chuck out majority of stuff and just keep a few boxes - but that’s easier said than done !

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 29/12/2021 17:43

One thing at a time. I can't imagine going through my parents things. Not an easy task. You are doing great.

timtam23 · 29/12/2021 22:40

Try not to push yourself too hard. I recently helped DH and my SIL sort through MIL's things after she died and I found it so hard & upsetting, it would be even harder if it were my own mum.
Could you speak to the SW again and get a bit more detail about the exact aims of what they are wanting to achieve from the meeting, is there an agenda? Maybe explain what you have posted here about feeling unsure about speaking up in case your mum ends up in care. It's important that you feel able to have your voice heard.

Original poster
newyear2022 · 30/12/2021 02:22

@unicornsarereal72

One thing at a time. I can't imagine going through my parents things. Not an easy task. You are doing great.
Thank you Flowers yes just exhausted myself earlier . I don’t know what’s ‘important’, what’s junk . Family said if I don’t do it in the next few days the council will once I’m back at uni, and they’ll scrap the lot . I can’t bear the thought of mine and my mum’s things going into a dump somewhere … but equally I can’t take it to uni with me . Felt like texting family back and saying it’s all bloody important, that’s why we own it !!!
OP posts:
Original poster
newyear2022 · 30/12/2021 02:24

What would solve the entire problem would be to back out of uni and stay here as mums full time carer … but I don’t know if that would help anyone long term . I’d lose the career in working very hard to achieve .

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 30/12/2021 08:38

Don't you dare drop out of uni. Your mum wouldn't want that for you. And if you did how long would you cope for?

It sounds like a best interest meeting. Everyone discuses what is in the persons best interest. Do speak to the social worker.

There needs to be a long term plan for your mum. That isn't solely based around you. Be firm. You are going back to uni.

Could you put things In storage until the summer when you have the time to sort the belongings?

Your mums needs sound complicated. You can not do this alone. It is round the clock care that a team is required for.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you. You are not putting your mum in a home. This is a professional discussion to meet your mums needs. If she needed an operation you would take her to Hospital she needs proper care I promise the right place will meet her needs and she will flourish. Good routine. Nutrition and emotional well being can make a real difference to a persons well being.