How do second helpings work?

[CluelessInWonderland]

My family work on the unstated assumption that nobody should have an empty plate ever unless they are completely stuffed or the food has run out. My husband believes nobody should have seconds until everyone has an empty plate. If you offer him more soup while he’s eating soup he reacts as if you’re offering him pudding or after-dinner mints or poison.
What is normal?

What you do is what happens in my family. My ex was a bit like your husband though. Irritated me intensely!

Why wouldn't you wait until all the food is eaten in your bowl:plate before offering seconds? I'm with your husband.

I'm with your husband.
Everyone has a chance to finish their first helping before anyone is offered seconds. How do you know if you are even still hungry if you haven't finished your first course.

I also agree with your DH. I’d be quite annoyed if someone tried to force more food on me before I’d even finished what was on my plate. Very strange behaviour

Why would you offer someone more soup before they've even finished? Are you giving out inadequate portions to start with?

Your approach sounds like a recipe for obesity.

Maybe not completely empty plates, but broadly I'm with your husband. So at Christmas dinner if some people have finished and the others have say a couple of sprouts and a potato left on their plate it's reasonable to ask if anyone would like some more meat. But not if they've still got half their meat uneaten.

It depends how much food there is, for a start. If it's Christmas Dinner and there's generous piles of everything, then people can take what they want as and when they want. If it's a normal family meal, say a big cottage pie between 5, I'd wait until everybody had had their first helping before apportioning seconds, so nobody loses out.

Your DH sounds a bit tiresome though, with his "reacting as though he's been offered poison". Is he usually intolerant of different ways of doing things?

I don't need to 'offer' second helpings, as the food I'm serving is always in dishes on the table, so folks can just help themselves whenever they are ready.

I'm with your husband 🖐🏻 Possibly because I have 3 siblings.

We have food in dishes on the table so you can top your plate up whenever you like. If there's a small amount left of an item you would ask if anyone else wanted it before taking it yourself

I never offer seconds or try to force feed people, it is rude. If anyone wants seconds of anything they help themselves from the serving bowls.
I don't run a dictatorship of how much people eat. Equally I would not expect someone to just devour a whole dish. Respectful communication and a wee bit of collaboration seems to keep everyone happy.

Soup is a bad example. If it was Xmas dinner and someone had no roasties left, I'd ask without an empty plate, even if they had Brussels.

Soup? I'm with your DH.

Wait until your plate is empty before taking more surely.

I like a mix of things on my fork so if I run out of an item mid meal then I'm not going to finish the rest without topping up on the missing item.

We don't top up plates with food on as a rule or en masse - we have the veggies etc and yorkies and spuds in centre of table so can take more anytime we want.

You can't possibly know you'll want the extra until you've eaten what you had with regards going around and handing out/offering a complete array of seconds.

Umm… What? I don’t think either approach is particularly helpful.

Force feeding people makes the eater feel uncomfortable and like they can’t say no. Kicking off because someone offers more when your plate isn’t clean is rude too.

And we don't wait until everyone's finished to take extra if we want it.

We wait until everyone's done before we tidy away.

Everyone gets served, and if X finishes I'd offer seconds after a bit. I don't wait til everyone has eaten, though, but usually the majority have. I'm the worlds slowest, and yesterday for example I never did finish, but my son had thirds. If it came down to only a couple servings left, I'd ask guests/oldest people there first, then go down the line.

We have all the dishes on the table too but you still offer them to other people as not everyone can reach all the dishes. Or you ask if someone can pass the potatoes and then offer the dish onto the next person.

Seconds don’t begin until Firsts are finished. 😉

Ahah this made me chuckle... mostly because everyone seems to be with your husband but I'm with you! We have food in the middle of the table and can easily take little top-ups if we fancy it...

We are all of us pretty skinny and absolutely not overweight. But there's always excess made at meals to be had the next day/frozen, therefore people will dive right in and take a bit more if they're enjoying it...

Once everyone has a clean plate there's always the offer of seconds/thirds anyway. But sort of expected that you will have taken more already if you want it.

Neither - there is a middle route.

So, if we were having soup and me and one dc had finished and I got up to get the rest from the pan, then I'd offer everyone - by that stage they should be able to tell if they want some more or not, even if their bowl isn't empty.

If we were sitting round table with a roast and someone were passing the roasts round, they would be offered to everyone whether they had a full plate, empty plate or part way through.

I think your family's way is somewhat unhealthy - almost forcing people to eat more than they want.

Surely it depends on the meal. For something like soup I wouldn’t take more until my plate was empty, but for a meal with lots of components (Eg: roast dinner, curry) you can sometimes want more of one part of the meal before your plate is empty, for example taking more curry when you still have plain rice on your plate or taking more potatoes before you’ve finished all of the meat.

Thag said I wouldn’t be offering anybody else seconds, people should be able to help themselves to more as and when they need it. If you want to ‘top up’ your uncleared plate mid-meal that’s fine but it’s also fine for your Dp to want to wait until his plate is clear before taking any more.

I think it depends.
For example, you have all your wants, at first serving for Christmas dinner.
Say you have potatoes and sprouts left but fancy another stuffing ball, carrots or a pig in blanket.
Should you just eat the potato and sprouts before you get more?

I love to have different bits on my fork. If I've only got two potatoes left should I just eat those until I've been invited to ask for more carrot or turkey?

Hell no. If I've over estimated my turkey I'd like to dive in for more veg.

I'm a middle ground. People should take/have seconds when their plate is empty, but they should take a share remembering that other people have still to finish.

Unless it's a component - roastiest or the likes - then top ups shouldn't be offered while someone is still eating.

I'm a very slow eater - I would never expect people to wait until I was done before having seconds.