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Original poster

How have you pushed back on the mental load this festive season?

66 replies

CorpusCallosum · 26/12/2021 15:26

MN has done so much for me in terms of helping me set & keep boundaries in relationships and it's been liberating. Here's how I've put that into practice today and I'd love to hear your stories.

DHs extended family member asked him weeks ago to choose some clothes for our DD as her Christmas present. He never did, he 'feels bad about it' 🙄 Family member thoughtfully got DD some items with a gift receipt, DD already has them so we agreed to exchange them.

MIL kept foisting them on me yesterday, I took them upstairs to get them out of the way. Today she asked me 'you won't just leave them will you, you'll sort it'. I had my MN hat on and just said 'We won't leave them but I'll let DH sort it, then he can choose something'. MILs face was not impressed but I have kept another job off my mental load so it's a flipping win 🤩

OP posts:
LovelyLupins · 26/12/2021 15:30

Ha, well done! We’re on year 3 of DH being responsible for remembering cards and gifts for his family birthdays and christmas. I got the initial flack from MIL for forgotten items, but I referred her to DH.

Somuddled · 26/12/2021 15:40

I said 'yes' every single time a guest asked if they could do something to help. I didn't track, suggest, chase, wrap or post anything related to DHs family. I told people where the drinks were and after offering the first one, left them to it.

Original poster
CorpusCallosum · 26/12/2021 18:02

Overheard MIL giving DH the money and saying she would arrange the return - for the items he has not yet even brought down from upstairs for her.

She knows who she raised.

OP posts:
Ginflinger · 26/12/2021 20:43

We hosted this year. I shared exactly 50% with DH. He is shattered and a bit shell-shocked.

Ginflinger · 26/12/2021 20:44

I can hear MIL telling him he needs to sit down and have a break. Biscuit

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 26/12/2021 20:46

I got rid of the husband in the summer. No need to think about presents or cards for any of his family. Then I messaged the other adults in my generation and suggested we only did presents for DC, not each other.

sunshineandshowers40 · 26/12/2021 20:51

I have slowly stopped taking on all of the mental load and told DH what I'm not doing. He hadn't done it but I refuse to feel guilty anymore. He doesn't remind me to ring my mum so why should I have to remind him. I make sure MIL has a present and send a card from the GC but I'n not his PA (also work but not quite full time)

Original poster
CorpusCallosum · 26/12/2021 20:55

Well done all you're all brilliant 👏

OP posts:
WellTidy · 26/12/2021 20:57

DH told me yesterday that he had done lots for Christmas this year. I told him that he had done more than any other year but that was not the same as doing ‘lots’. I am in the process of making a list with everything Christmas related on it. And I will be at least making him aware of what that all involves, so that if he feels that he is willing to do ‘lots’ next year, he actually sees what ‘lots’ really looks like.

Thisladyisforturning · 26/12/2021 22:12

Refused to send Christmas cards to his relatives and friends. I did buy the cards and stamps. They're still here but I didn't give in.

toots111 · 26/12/2021 22:28

My husband is usually pretty good at doing stuff and an absolute angel compared to some I read about on mumsnet. But I do find that he still feels the need to ask me questions rather than just getting on with it. So for example I asked him to get crackers. Cue 3 texts from Sainsbury’s asking for my opinion on crackers. Whereas if I go to buy something we need I just made a decision. So I literally have spent this Xmas saying ‘I don’t care, you decide’. But next year I’d like him to just decide without me having to read a text and respond.

NotAnotherPushyMum · 26/12/2021 22:31

Told Dh that I wasn’t buying or wrapping the kids’ presents this year, after 17 years I think I’ve done my share. Surprisingly, it all worked out and they both got appropriate things.

Theyellowflamingo · 26/12/2021 22:45

Got rid of Christmas cards - if I don’t see you or keep in touch with you over the year, spending a card and a stamp to send you a generic message only to receive a generic message back is pointless.

Stopped making a big Christmas Day roast, we have it another day.
Stopped buying things/doing things just because they are “traditional” - crackers, bowls of nuts, anything involving the fancy dishes that don’t fit in the dishwasher.
Stopped travelling anywhere between Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.
Cut the kids presents down, a lot. They still have too much stuff anyway.

So far the world has kept turning and everyone had a good Christmas. It’s not that I need or want DH to do more, we just needed to do less full stop.

Wincarnis · 26/12/2021 22:51

DP asked me on 21 December "what do you want for Christmas?"
I told him I'd like him to familiarize himself with forward planning. I haven't sent anything to any of his family, and I haven't put his name on any cards or gifts to my family. Some might consider that petty, but I don't see why a grown man should get a free ride.

LouLou198 · 26/12/2021 23:01

Yes and it has been great! No Christmas cards sent, distant relatives who still insist on exchanging gifts have been given vouchers. Christmas dinner was the pre-prepared stuff I could shove in the oven. We had ice cream for dessert. Taking the pressure of yourself and reducing that mental load feels so good!

dubyalass · 26/12/2021 23:14

Offered to host at mine. It probably sounds the opposite of what you're asking but a family member offered to cook the main meal (and did a great job of it) and also brought a light meal for this evening. There are only three of us though. It reduced the mental load because I did a meal plan of sorts, bought a few extras as treats but otherwise just cooked what I normally would, but for three rather than one. My original suggestion was a holiday let somewhere, but I realised that it would be up to me to ensure there was enough food; nobody else would have given it any thought.

My dad does keep saying "keep it simple", which I am finding very irritating, because even "keeping it simple" requires some sort of forethought to have the components of a meal in. He's also fond of "I'm easygoing" which is no help whatsoever Hmm

immersivereader · 26/12/2021 23:16

I refused to host. Went to bils instead

Didn't do a Christmas cake cos it just makes me fat

immersivereader · 26/12/2021 23:18

He's also fond of "I'm easygoing" which is no help whatsoever hmm

^

This sounds like my parents! 'Oh, I'm easy, whatever!' Confused = indecisive and unwilling to make a decision, ever, in anything but gives free license to complain about it afterwards. Which means it falls to muggins every time.

immersivereader · 26/12/2021 23:19

I told him I'd like him to familiarize himself with forward planning.

^

GrinWine to your good health 🍸

cruffin · 26/12/2021 23:21

I haven't done cards this year, just didn't have the time with a baby now and I doubt the world will end.

HairyScaryMonster · 26/12/2021 23:22

The mental load for planning was mostly on me this year but DH did all the cooking for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day dinner from start to finish. And I briefed my brothers on how to stack the dishwasher the way I like it and where everything goes and how the coffee machine works the day they arrived. They've been fantastic.

pumpkinpie01 · 26/12/2021 23:41

I didn't do cards this year , it just seemed another job and one that I really couldn't be arsed with . But have decided I will choose 3 nice happy new year cards to send to 3 special people instead

Dontlookdownmuch · 26/12/2021 23:51

Refused to do presents for my adult kids - gave a very generous cheque instead. Dd broke down in floods of tears when she realised it wasn’t a ploy and I was actually not doing presents - dh stepped in, suggesting that we do Secret Santa and I said fine as long as you do the buying on my behalf - I do not like buying gifts and I don’t like receiving them either - I am bloody done with it and secret Santa was given a pass. Oh and dh did the cards for the neighbours and I planned the food and dressed the tree and I enjoyed doing that and it was the limit of what I wanted to do - I am done being a Christmas martyr!

Original poster
CorpusCallosum · 27/12/2021 00:17

This evening my FIL tried to pass me a plate he had finished with, I said 'oh could you pop that in the dishwasher, thanks'. I am pregnant so it's a tad easier to get away with these things 😉

Writing a list now while its all fresh in your head is a great idea.

This year I did all of DDs Xmas prep; sorting an advent calendar, booking Santa, planning Christmas crafts, her stocking etc etc etc. He bought one present for her which TBH we could have saved for her birthday in spring. Next year we will have 2 DC so he will be stepping up.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/12/2021 00:20

@Ginflinger

We hosted this year. I shared exactly 50% with DH. He is shattered and a bit shell-shocked.
💪