How have you pushed back on the mental load this festive season?

[CorpusCallosum]

MN has done so much for me in terms of helping me set & keep boundaries in relationships and it's been liberating. Here's how I've put that into practice today and I'd love to hear your stories.

DHs extended family member asked him weeks ago to choose some clothes for our DD as her Christmas present. He never did, he 'feels bad about it' 🙄 Family member thoughtfully got DD some items with a gift receipt, DD already has them so we agreed to exchange them.

MIL kept foisting them on me yesterday, I took them upstairs to get them out of the way. Today she asked me 'you won't just leave them will you, you'll sort it'. I had my MN hat on and just said 'We won't leave them but I'll let DH sort it, then he can choose something'. MILs face was not impressed but I have kept another job off my mental load so it's a flipping win 🤩

We always host Xmas and having done so for 25 years I decided that whilst dh has a much more stressful job and works much longer hours, he was going to help more as I was just dreading the whole “here we go again” run up to Xmas.

Things which helped me this year with DH…

1. Sitting down in Nov and writing lists for presents and all food for Xmas week.
2. Setting one weekend aside to do all Xmas shopping together, whether it was in shops or ordered online
3. Getting him to write and post all his Xmas cards to his family
4. Deciding he’d do all prep and deliver all breakfasts and snacks/lunches and I’d do all main meals.

5 Everyine helps with cleaning and washing up after each meal.

It has been a much less stressful year.

@Nefelibata86 here is my list (I’ve taken a lot of the detail out so as to anonymise, and I’m not sure it is complete as yet but here it is)

Chosen, bought and wrapped presents for:

X
Y
Z
(The list goes on and on)
(From us, also separately from dc1 and dc2 in the case of a, b and c)

Shopped for and put together table gifts x no. of people

Bought everything to wrap all presents with

Went with Dc1 to buy the presents they give and secret Santa present and helped dc1 wrap them

Contributed to teacher collection

Thought of and gave ideas for Dc1 and dc2 to x y and z

Bought and wrapped all stocking presents for Dc1 and dc2 (in the region of 15 for dc2 and the same for Dc1)

Bought, written and posted all cards

Brought down, put all decorations up, put boxes away

Ordered meat

Bought and put away food shop

Cooked in advance - x, y and z to include lots like Christmas puddings, mince pies, brandy butter etc

Organised all Christmas related activities - eg meeting up with friends and family, theatre, cinema, walks etc

Bought Christmas tops (school dress up day before Christmas) and Christmas Pjs (Christmas Eve) for the dc

I have ignored all calls from MIL on my phone. For every one missed call DH gets I will get 3!! I’m fed up of being the default. So he can call her back!

DH didn’t do much this year. But I did tell him he could sort fil and his gf. Which he did. To be fair he bought fil some nice things. All of which fil decided upon opening he hated so gave back immediately. Twat.

It annoyed me though that while I bought wrapped and paid to post a parcel out to New Zealand for mil bil sil and out nephews DH got upset because it hadn’t arrived yet. All the effort he went to….

I put a lot of boundaries up earlier in the year so mil now rings dh (he rings her once a day anyway but if he hadn't called her by 5pm then she rang me with an anxious call ) so that stopped.

Dh buys his side of the family presents. Posts them. But this year he paid for items I ordered online for Christmas. Accidentally two came. He asked me what to do (I normally say I'll sort it) I said do the returns at the post office.

Small win. I got no christmas card this year but he sent one to everyone he knows. So that hurts a bit.

Also he visits mil with the dc a lot more. Yesterday the whole family were at his and I was glad he didn't say for us to call too. Sil isn't very nice. She's fine but I wanted to enjoy boxing day without talking about work or money or list to her boasting.

DH sorted DC2s present this year. Second hand electric guitar and amp. He bought strings, tuner and new gig bag. He also brought in some snacks.

I planned and did everything else.

This is the last year of me planning and executing Christmas. DH fell asleep on Christmas Day. I ended up doing all the cooking, cleared up, put smallest DC to bed. I'm still livid. Ended up doing a Zoom call with some pals late evening which was lovely.

DH is generally a good 'un but despite previous conversations about how Christmas doesn't just happen he's still not getting it. Sigh.

@UnalliterativeGeorge

I caught a vomiting bug so DH did it all - not exactly the way I'd have got it all done but it all got done and we have happy children.

Something similar happened to me when our DC were young and DH cooked the dinner. He's done it ever since.

I still do all the planning and almost all the buying (he sorts out the booze and few of the presents) and all of the pre-prep (cake, mince pies, wrapping). I doesn't bother me too much as I work P/T and he does stupid hours, but when he finally retires...!

I told DH he can do presents for all his family. He left it to the last minute but he did do it. Next year I said he can do Ds presents which he has never done .

Christmas at the beach. Just me and the 3DDs.
No extended family. A pile of hot chips and chicken nuggets.
A whole lot of happy.
First Christmas in forever the eldest 2 have found me approachable after 10am.
Am prepared to piss the rest of the family off for the next few years to keep this up!

I only wrote Christmas cards to the ones in Hs family that I actually like! Which is about 2 of them. His job to do the rest and he didn't bother!

@NoSquirrels "Until got in the store. I kid you not, fully 100% of the other shoppers were gormless men taking pictures of bakery items or cured meats to text to their other halves, or blocking the aisles having conversations about different cheeses. It was like a Day Of the (Brain) Dead movie - slow shuffling and lack of direction."

This made me actually laugh out loud.

I don't celebrate Xmas (am Jewish) but still find myself doing all kinds of Xmas prep, buying gifts for people etc.

I think next year at the beginning of October I'll sit down with DH and go through the To Do list and allocate half of it to him. And then maybe have fortnightly meetings to ensure we're both keeping on top of it.

Didn't do anything for DHs family, so they got nothing. Fine by me. I didn't send adult DSs a card with money and vouchers in like I usually would. Personalised card, ordered, written and posted by me, recorded delivery to his mother house etc. He asked me yesterday if I'd done it and I said no, he attempted to get annoyed so he had both barrels about how he's done fuck all. Other than go to work and the gym, that's it, EVERYTHING else is my responsibility. He thinks that by telling me something, I'll do it, and I haven't. I explained that I'm not being spiteful by not automatically doing his mental leg work for him.

He got me nothing, this had upset me "well you never want what I've got you" "no, I don't want whatever half arsed thing you've pulled out of your arse to appease me with and I'm not tolerating it any longer." He had a lecture. It's been a shit 2 years and it was the straw that broke the camels back.

My family got one present each off DC, rather than the usual sackful.

DH is looking pretty good here. He did cards and gifts for his side. Bought some wrapping paper. He still doesn't quite grasp the need to bag a delivery slot and complete the order, but he did pretty much take charge of Christmas dinner. I made the stuffing on 24th, and did a festive sticky toffee pudding on the day

I'm not in the best of health, a chronic condition so DH always does the decorations, with help from adult DS. His family give him nothing, never mind me or DS so we do nothing for them either except he gives his Godchildren cards and a few quid. He stopped buying things a few years back as he hates the shops leading up to Christmas and so do I. He's never expected me to do any of that for his lot anyway!
I usually do Christmas dinner, start to finish, on my own. However, I woke up in agony on Thursday, had pulled a muscle in my back and could hardly do anything until last night. That meant I couldn't do dinner Christmas Day as I normally do, so DH and DS had to do all the fetching and carrying, all the peeling and washing and especially all the bending down as I couldn't do that at all. They set the table, did all the putting in and taking out of the oven- all I did in the end was put the joint in the baking tin, and the same with the spuds! So it was a joint effort- well them more than me. I mainly just supervised!- and we all agreed it was a smashing dinner!
I think I'm going to pull a muscle every year from now on, lol!

@2Gen that's brilliant, sounds like they really stepped up for you ❤️ also sounds like everyone had a good time pitching in, a collaborative effort that everyone is proud of. What a great Christmas!