How have you pushed back on the mental load this festive season?

[CorpusCallosum]

MN has done so much for me in terms of helping me set & keep boundaries in relationships and it's been liberating. Here's how I've put that into practice today and I'd love to hear your stories.

DHs extended family member asked him weeks ago to choose some clothes for our DD as her Christmas present. He never did, he 'feels bad about it' 🙄 Family member thoughtfully got DD some items with a gift receipt, DD already has them so we agreed to exchange them.

MIL kept foisting them on me yesterday, I took them upstairs to get them out of the way. Today she asked me 'you won't just leave them will you, you'll sort it'. I had my MN hat on and just said 'We won't leave them but I'll let DH sort it, then he can choose something'. MILs face was not impressed but I have kept another job off my mental load so it's a flipping win 🤩

@WellTidy

DH told me yesterday that he had done lots for Christmas this year. I told him that he had done more than any other year but that was not the same as doing ‘lots’. I am in the process of making a list with everything Christmas related on it. And I will be at least making him aware of what that all involves, so that if he feels that he is willing to do ‘lots’ next year, he actually sees what ‘lots’ really looks like.

I feel this in my bones.

@toots111

My husband is usually pretty good at doing stuff and an absolute angel compared to some I read about on mumsnet. But I do find that he still feels the need to ask me questions rather than just getting on with it. So for example I asked him to get crackers. Cue 3 texts from Sainsbury’s asking for my opinion on crackers. Whereas if I go to buy something we need I just made a decision. So I literally have spent this Xmas saying ‘I don’t care, you decide’. But next year I’d like him to just decide without me having to read a text and respond.

I popped to Lidl on Christmas Eve this year, about 09.45, fully expecting the awfulness of packed aisles etc. But no! It was empty. I was delighted.

Until got in the store. I kid you not, fully 100% of the other shoppers were gormless men taking pictures of bakery items or cured meats to text to their other halves, or blocking the aisles having conversations about different cheeses. It was like a Day Of the (Brain) Dead movie - slow shuffling and lack of direction.

Infuriating.

First proper Christmas with a child in tow. Please share your list if you can @WellTidy though I’m mindful that places a further demand on you. I’m exhausted and just flabbergasted at how partner has been able to just assume Christmas will be sorted by me. Right up to the day itself not even asked me about gifts and certain arrangements, only thanked for decorating. Even the provision of Christmas paper hes just taken for granted to assume is there but not thought to obtain himself

I started this year off as normal expecting to do everything. Ordered all the food in and planned to cook the entire Christmas lunch. Christmas Eve I boiled the ham. On Christmas Day DH got the turkey ready wrapped it in bacon and stuffed butter under the skin and randomly put it on, I watched on somewhat surprised. DD2 peeled carrots, parsnips and potatoes and I used them (minus parsnips) and other veg in soup. Meanwhile DD1 took a notion to make the prawns starter ..lovely. The soup was set to go when SIL took a notion to do a cheese and Italian sausage course..lovely. Then out of nowhere DH took a notion to put on the spuds, veg on and SIL did the sprouts, the stuffing and gravy were prebought. DD1 did the dessert DS set the table and suddenly I realised I had done almost diddly squat and the whole Christmas dinner was done. We have Christmas dinner over the whole day on Christmas Day rather than as a single meal. I washed up a bit but other than that and making the soup I did almost nothing except watching Christmas Day TV. It was unplanned and literally revolutionary as every other year I do it all. BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!!!!!

I didn't do anything! That's because I don't have to do it all though because dh is a good 'en. Usually he cooks Xmas dinner after we both went shopping for it but this year we had a visitor and she & dh did the shopping and cooking. Dh & I both bought the presents and I wrapped them. Dh and I both cleaned the kitchen and washed, dried and put away the mountain of pots after dinner.

I have had a terrible cold, not Covid as tested most days. I just let DH and D's who came ho.e for Xmas take over from about 3 days before Xmas. He organised last minute gifts for younger ds and wrapped. My deliver online arrived and I sat on sofa and they rushed about putting it away as Nd as eve i cooked my usual gammon ham and mash but DH prepped all veg and Also veg and potatoes and Yorkshire puddings for Xmas dinner too. I usually do a lot more but felt groggy so day on sofa watching Xmas movies.

The last three years every time I think about Christmas "oh I must do… " I then tell myself "no you don't have to do that." And I don't do it.

And we have a lovely Christmas really chilled out and lovely - it's great tactic.

I now pay more attention to my limits on what I can and cannot do and keep to them. When I get questioned about why I didn't do so and so - my answer is simply that I didn't and don't feel bad in the slightest!

Big family gathering. I have a 16 month old who has a cold and has been projectile vomiting for 3-4 days. She is very active and has already sustained 2 injuries from bumbling around. Trying to order pizza for everyone so not watching her and she falls. I initially ask MIL to take over pizza order, who responds with rabbit in headlight look and I quickly realise I will have to explain it to her, so more work! Instead ask someone else to just take over - they do.

I started making cards, because I enjoy it, with my daughter. Then realised I didn't have the time to finish them so stopped. I only wrote the cards I wanted to send. I left OH to wrap his own kids presents and write cards if he wanted to. I cooked Xmas dinner for my two boys and DD then we had a buffet when his boys came because they're incredibly fussy, like their father. I did a quick clean on the obvious places but no deep clean like I'd normally do. Refused to do any laundry or tidying up Xmas eve and Xmas day. I really tried to not to do anything I didn't absolutely need to. The rest of the household only do what they want. So I followed their example.

Money tight so I scaled back especially on h presents I just didn’t care brought my own bits for Christmas I refused to let him waste money on stuff for my presents . Food cut right back oh I’ve enjoyed myself this year.

Top tip; Never do anyone else's thinking for them.

Make it clear that you will never do anyone else's thinking for them.

Husbands and children. You are not their thinking machine.

Mil asked me several times over a few weeks what to get our dc for Xmas, I said Lego every time and refused to jump up and select something. Dh also asked me, obviously passing it on from mil. I did happen to see something that would work for dc1 so I sent it to dh saying send this to your mum and she can find similar for dc2. Dh oh she said could we buy it. Me: not sure about we, I can’t. Dh bought them. I said take them over there when they arrived and Dh said oh she’d rather they be kept here. (Really?!). Then just before Christmas Dh asked where the boys presents are as mum wants us to drop them over so she can wrap them. Me: they are where you put them, since you bought them. Sigh. So he found them and dropped them over. My parents do like suggestions but are perfectly capable of clicking buy and taking delivery themselves.
Still, dh did do the ham all on his own! I found the recipe to suit allergies and sent it to him. I did minimal re presents and getting organised for his family, we are getting there :) And very little on the day too, I’m quite pregnant.

I did not cook. Anything. For two days.

I’ve never done DH’s family gifts or cards. We use Cook Christmas dinner and my brother did the whole thing. No prep. I set the table. DH cleared up afterwards.
I do buy all the kids’ presents and wrap them in reusable gift bags which is much easier then wrapping paper. We don’t buy for each other or any adults.

22 December We travel 9 hours as both FIL and DM nearly 90.
23 December- went to DM with DD1 25. ( stayed with FIL lives 45 minutes from DM).
We vacuumed and dusted. Went to shops for her, to avoid her risking covid ( and falling) and got last minute groceries.
FIL pre orders turkey, potatoes and gravy.
24 December DH did tossed salad ( we are in Australia) and I did potato salad. FIL and DD1 collected turkey DH carved half bird. Dinner done. FIL Christmas biscuits for afters or ice cream. DD made espresso martinis.
25 December took FIL to DM with second half turkey, potato salad. DD did tossed salad, opened jar cranberry. DM did prawn cocktail starter, all bits in fridge, I just put it together.
I carved Turkey while DH chatted with DM and FIL.
DD on fizzy wine detail.
Fresh berries and ice cream for afters with Christmas biscuits as an option.
DD then made espresso martini’s for those who were drinking.
DD and I cleaned up and we left Dm snoozing in her chair and took FIL home with leftovers.
All jobs shared, minimal fuss.
DM thanked us for fuss free Christmas. Said she really enjoyed it.
FIL probably glad to see the back of us when we left 26 December.
Alternate years we have big family Christmas with siblings and their families. All jobs shared then as well.DB3 has hosted these in past as bigger house, but has said no to future hosting. BD 1 has stuck his hand up for next year.

@Devilmakes3 I love your story of lots of people pitching in to make food! But I reckon your big contribution was being relaxed enough to let them all get on with it, and not feeling the need to hover around supervising, or fretting that they wouldn't do everything right.
I do take a lot of the mental load for Christmas, which still isn't huge as it's just me and DP at home, because I love decorations and socialising, so I get stuck in with planning quite early. But we've been trying to cut down on card sending, and I was pleased with myself this year for not sending them in response to ones from people we hadn't sent to (terrible sentence but you know what I mean!).
These last few days have been stressful, though, for family reasons. Next year I would really like to be at home with just DP, or away with just her.

This thread reminds me of a comment I saw on twitter about how that Chris Rhea song Driving Home for Xmas is such a bloke song. He's happily driving home, no thought of the shopping, cleaning, cooking or wrapping. Just driving home assuming everything will be ready for him. I didn't like the song before but now it really irritates me 😂

Great thread OP.
I've spent recent years setting boundaries DH family. MIL is a very aquire taste and she has an acid tongue. I've spent most of this year avoiding seeing her so I've probably seen her 3-4 times but she sends messages back saying how much she misses me & how she would like to see me.
For the last few years we've had afternoon tea on Christmas day as it fits in really well with visiting people & it suits my DD with autism. We visited MIL on Christmas day and I always brace myself for the snide comments and she said a few times " oh yes, you don't bother with a proper dinner, do you? You just have sandwiches" said in a very condescending tone. No, we don't just have sandwiches, we have afternoon tea with cakes, savory hot bites etc .
Today DH brother and family are coming to MIL and as I've not seen them for a while, I'm the topic of conversation "oh nephew hasn't seen you for 2 years, can you believe it's 2 years?!" Yes I can, the children run wild and are quite rude, so I avoid them too! I can imagine how the conversation will go. Many in the family don't have filters, so it makes for an interesting time. I shall be not entering into the verbal sparing and put downs that they favour. This reduces my mental load as I sit back and smile at the chaos that ensues.

DH has never partaken in buying presents for our DC and often I get cash "to buy something I want" rather than a present. I told him in November I'm not doing it all. He suggested he would buy DS presents if I get DDs presents. I was done by mid December. He was stressing as had not got anything by last Saturday and I was worried DS would end up with nothing but teen DD went shopping with him and ensured he bought items from mine and DS list. He also outsourced wrapping the presents to her although I did thoroughly approve of her charging him for it.

I don't do dh family presents and cards he does his own . With my family we tend to only exchange a token gift . DH was very stressed about what to buy as he faces a lot of pressure of buying "enough" for his family.
I bought all of our 3 dc gifts and wrapped them which is mentally hard going tbh but he knows this after 7 yrs. However he did a lot of the hosting and tidying xmas day / Boxing Day . We no longer cart the kids to everyone else's houses as we used to. Mil prepped the xmas dinner and bought it round we all shared the last bit of cooking (mil, me and dh ) so that was stress free.
I think fil was a bit at the amount of tidying up dh did on Xmas day I heard him saying how tired he must be on the phone the next day ! Welcome to 2021!

Next year we will have 2 DC so he will be stepping up.

Let's hope so eh :)

Not so much the mental load, but the financial one. I made sure that everything bought for xmas went on his account. Yes our money is joint but if it comes out of his account theres a chance he'll see how much the whole shebang costs.

I caught a vomiting bug so DH did it all - not exactly the way I'd have got it all done but it all got done and we have happy children.

@TipseyTorvey

This thread reminds me of a comment I saw on twitter about how that Chris Rhea song Driving Home for Xmas is such a bloke song. He's happily driving home, no thought of the shopping, cleaning, cooking or wrapping. Just driving home assuming everything will be ready for him. I didn't like the song before but now it really irritates me 😂

And that’s it - everyone in my family loved Christmas because some other poor bugger was doing all the work - me! I’ve stopped now - we all contributed to Christmas dinner but I’m done with all the prepping and the buying and the making everyone’s Christmas special - it’s time I stopped being the Christmas servant.