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Original poster

Xmas day arguments- Is DH somewhere on the spectrum?

100 replies

NotBabiesForLong · 26/12/2021 09:57

I am just venting. Grrrrr. I have long suspected DH to be somewhere on the spectrum, but he chooses not to probe for diagnosis.

Christmas (and life) admin falls to me. He can't see what needs to be done without a list. And what isn't on the list is missed.

Xmas day ended in a blow up as I was the only person doing EVERYTHING, and not a soul had offered to get me a drink, help set table, help wash up. Etc etc.

I did call them out on it. And they did start to help slightly. But DH simply doesn't know what to do to help. It doesn't come naturally to him in the slightest. But given precise jobs (put cutlery out. Now put glasses out....shouted over my shoulder whilst I am cooking) He is happy to do...but that job doesn't prompt him to think "put salt and pepper out" etc.

Is this just our house? I don't think he is being a rubbish man, I think it is simply more. I do try not to enable it by calling him out on it. But, it does grind you down and spoil the Christmas atmosphere.

He lacks empathy, and is very very matter of fact, and doesn't like to ask for help or be told, yet doesn't know. Grrrrr.

Xmas will soon be over, yay!

OP posts:
greenjojocat · 26/12/2021 10:10

What's he like at work? Do you think he has the same attitude?

Changelingbutonlyforme · 26/12/2021 10:22

Ok, so I think the way to deal with this is future is to put him entirely in charge of one or two aspect s of the day and make it his responsibility to find out what that should entail, without asking you. So, for example. Put him in charge of all dishwashing. Brief is that everything needs cleaning after breakfast and before lunch, after lunch and before dinner and again after dinner before bed. Leave it up to him to work out how long a dishwasher cycle takes/ what won’t fit in the dishwasher and needs hand washing etc. You could also put him in charge of say, dessert. He has to buy all the necessary ingredients and put it all together. You could specify must be able to be cooked/assembled on the 24th or earlier to avoid causing issues with other food prep. Let him canvas opinions from guests to decide what to make etc.

FoxgloveSummers · 26/12/2021 10:30

I have this relative too. Two suggestions: 1) there’s a DH List with many many tasks on it, written Christmas Eve and he needs to keep it on him on Christmas Day 2) food rota so he knows days in advance he will be doing lunch on Boxing Day, dinner on 27th etc and NO ONE else will be helping. He needs to choose and plan and cook and wash up and you get a proper break.

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Events & celebrations Relationship problems
thatsallineed · 26/12/2021 10:32

He sees all domestic drudgery as your 'job' so will only do things you specifically ask him to do. In his eyes he will be helping out, so what more do you want? It's the way many of their brains seem to be wired.

I'm sure he's more than capable of taking the initiative at work though.

Arren12 · 26/12/2021 10:38

Its very offensive when people try using autism as an excuse or reason for shit behavior. No op your husband is not on the spectrum because he can't be bothered to do anything. I mean he might be on the spectrum as might you and anyone else for that matter, I don't know but it has nothing to do with this.

People who are autistic are not useless. Thet absolutely can do tasks without promoting and do see what needs doing.

Also please stop with the notion that autistic don't have empathy. They have empathy in spades. They can actually more empathetic than NT people in my opinion as they/ww are very aware of how behavior impacts on others and why etc...

Arren12 · 26/12/2021 10:39

Sorry for typos. Typed too fast.

Bettybantz · 26/12/2021 10:41

What @Arren12 said. Nothing there to say he’s autistic. There are plenty of NT people with these traits.
You can either learn strategies or decide it’s a dealbreaker.

Original poster
NotBabiesForLong · 26/12/2021 10:43

Apologies, I am not trying to minimise the spectrum in anyway and I realise it has many many forms.

We have for several years discussed this as a possibility. He is a very literal person, has some issues with work which I won't go into here.

But it seems that the non-routine of Christmas day and Christmas period highlight it. And as my workload ramps up, this adds to the stress levels.

I think the PP suggesting more detailed lists is the answer for him.

OP posts:
lechatnoir · 26/12/2021 10:46

@greenjojocat

What's he like at work? Do you think he has the same attitude?
This will be very telling
MintJulia · 26/12/2021 10:48

Knowing how to lay a table isn't a Christmas job, it's an everyday job. He needs practice.

Whoever cooks, the other person lays the table.

Original poster
NotBabiesForLong · 26/12/2021 10:49

@greenjojocat at work he does have some issues with the not knowing how, but not acknowledging that, and at times floundering.

I am not explaining myself well.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotBabiesForLong · 26/12/2021 10:51

@lechatnoir

There are related work issues.

The non-standard Christmas period highlights it more.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 26/12/2021 10:53

Sounds like a sexist, insensitive, ignorant twat rather than autism.

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2021 10:56

I hope your talking about the arshole spectrum here because it's supremely unhelpful for people to use autism as an excuse for acting like an arshole

Original poster
NotBabiesForLong · 26/12/2021 10:57

@pinkyredrose I'm not explaining myself well, because he isn't. During normal times he does things, happily hoovers, changes the beds, does the laundry. He isn't stuck in male or female role models.

But it is the change to routine, and quite simply not seeing what is in front of his eyes. But happy to follow literal instructions.

OP posts:
AnxiousWeirdo · 26/12/2021 11:10

I really hate threads like this, every time some ones behaviour is rude / useless / abusive etc someone always asks if they're on the spectrum.

I'm autistic. I'm also capable of housework / shopping / paying bills / being a parent / working etc etc etc. Autism requires certain understanding but it should never be used as an excuse for really shitty behaviour or being useless as a human.

Wavypurple · 26/12/2021 11:11

I don’t know your husband but just judging from that post alone he’s lazy not autistic.

He almost certainly knows what needs to be done but just can’t be arsed to do it. He doesn’t need a list as some have suggested as if he’s ten years old, he knows what needs to be done. If he doesn’t know, he needs to learn and it’s not your responsibility to teach a grown man how to set a table when google is readily available.

I tried rationalising like this once with an exDP because I felt that there must be a reason for their lack of ‘help’. There isn’t. They just don’t give a shit.

dottiedodah · 26/12/2021 11:13

Just make a list .Stick on wall .DH one side jobs /Dishwashing ,veg prep .You other side .Cooking Turkey ,plating up whatever .My DH always needs lists ,but washes up without needing prompting!

Gatehouse77 · 26/12/2021 11:17

On thing I learnt about DH was that if I want his help I did/do have to be specific. Partly because he wants to know how to do it 'my way' as if I'm asking for help he wants it to be right for me. Partly because he hasn't go a clue. He's not observant, is often in his own world in his head and simply doesn't see things the same way I do.

As times gone on, we've learnt how to communicate with each other. Once I explained that if I'm asking him to cook supper it's not the labour of cooking that is the issue - I don't want to have to think about what to cook, working out timings, etc. In other words, the thinking part!! Only then could he understand the frustration from me when he asked loads of questions which led to me banging around in the kitchen sorting something.

We still stumble now and then but, for the most part, I'd suggest working on how to communicate when you're not stressed and what to do when you are! DH will ask "Do I leave you alone or try to help?" and vice versa.

Floundery · 26/12/2021 11:19

This reply has been withdrawn

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WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2021 11:22

Setting aside your husband for the minute I was intrigued by this part of your OP -

"Xmas day ended in a blow up as I was the only person doing EVERYTHING, and not a soul had offered to get me a drink, help set table, help wash up. Etc etc."

'Not a soul' - who else was there, other than your husband, leaving everything to you?

QueenofGallifrey · 26/12/2021 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Regularsizedrudy · 26/12/2021 11:31

No he’s just a useless twat and you’re trying to find ways to justify you being a mug and putting up with it

MistyFrequencies · 26/12/2021 11:35

Agree with everyone else saying it's very offensive to use Autism as an excuse for your husband being a dick.
Also offensive to trot out the old trope of Autistic people having no empathy.
Have a chat with your husband about his behaviour and then one with yourself before posting this type of bullshit again.

AngelsEyeball · 26/12/2021 11:41

Leave things for him to do he’s an adult not a child. If it doesn’t get done then it doesn’t get done, no point in you jumping in last minute as he will never bother