Xmas day arguments- Is DH somewhere on the spectrum?

[NotBabiesForLong]

I am just venting. Grrrrr. I have long suspected DH to be somewhere on the spectrum, but he chooses not to probe for diagnosis.

Christmas (and life) admin falls to me. He can't see what needs to be done without a list. And what isn't on the list is missed.

Xmas day ended in a blow up as I was the only person doing EVERYTHING, and not a soul had offered to get me a drink, help set table, help wash up. Etc etc.

I did call them out on it. And they did start to help slightly. But DH simply doesn't know what to do to help. It doesn't come naturally to him in the slightest. But given precise jobs (put cutlery out. Now put glasses out....shouted over my shoulder whilst I am cooking) He is happy to do...but that job doesn't prompt him to think "put salt and pepper out" etc.

Is this just our house? I don't think he is being a rubbish man, I think it is simply more. I do try not to enable it by calling him out on it. But, it does grind you down and spoil the Christmas atmosphere.

He lacks empathy, and is very very matter of fact, and doesn't like to ask for help or be told, yet doesn't know. Grrrrr.

Xmas will soon be over, yay!

I have posted in chat, not AIBU. I have stated that there are other things pre existing throughout the year, and on going (at work.) (He attends a counsellor, an informal test, etc, things I am not wanting to go into here, as it is CHAT). I havent mentioned the word Autistic. I have said on the spectrum.

My query is whether Christmas day has highlighted what you had previously thought and, in a more exaggerated scenario, re-inforced that thought.

[quote NotBabiesForLong]@pinkyredrose I'm not explaining myself well, because he isn't. During normal times he does things, happily hoovers, changes the beds, does the laundry. He isn't stuck in male or female role models.

But it is the change to routine, and quite simply not seeing what is in front of his eyes. But happy to follow literal instructions.[/quote]
But in fairness, much of what you’re describing is just normal household chores, like laying the table, cooking a meal, or putting out salt and pepper — this may be happening at a different time, or involve more elaborate foods, but it’s not unique to Christmas Day. It’s not something that only happens annually like decorating the Christmas tree.

I havent mentioned the word Autistic. I have said on the spectrum.

Errr what?

I have two kids with Autism and for things like this I will write out very specific lists of what each person has to do so it can be ticked off, DH and me included. It makes the long list of tasks less overwhelming and easier to share the load.

If you know it’s something he finds difficult it is better to acknowledge it and make it easier by doing a list rather than knowing he struggles and moaning that he hasn’t helped.

Is no one actually reading the updates???

Yes as a parent to ASD kids it could very well be a asd issue with change in routine, lots of us will tell you how Christmas can affect people on the spectrum.

Have a Christmas list of jobs on the computer - add/print it off give it to him.

Thank you @Angel2702

@Angel2702 Cross posted there 😂 hope Christmas has not been too stressful for you - nice to see similar strategies working for you x

It's weird that some autistic people on this thread are generalising about autism, and speaking as though every autistic person is like them. Which is pretty much what we ask every neurotypical person NOT to do.

The (diagnosed) autistic friend in my life is very like OP's husband. He's hard working, will do anything he's asked, wants to help, but can only do so when everything is spelled out to him.
I hate it when people on MN immediately revert to "he's not autistic, he's lazy" in there's threads (presumably because he's male) with nothing to go on and when it's been spelled out that the person concerned is willing but unable.

My husband is autistic. He can be very literal and matter-of-fact, but he’s a fully functioning adult and can set a table and see what needs to be done without constant probing.

My sister’s husband is a lazy chauvinist who pretends he doesn’t know how to empty the dishwasher or change a nappy then sits back and demands cups of tea from the women around him.

He’s not autistic. He’s just a prick.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, the last few.

He isn't a prick. We are a team. Christmas non-routine has thrown a spotlight on the differences and re-inforced both our on going thoughts.

Merry Christmas one an' all. Next year, it won't just be Santa getting the Christmas list x

I suspect dh os on the spectrum (don't bother telling me he isn't, I know him you don't).
And one example was he was asked to clear the table after dinner .He literally stripped the table of all the things needed. He took wine glasses to be washed when we were still using them, as a result we had to wash them all and reset the table.
I should have said can you remove only the dinner things. We are still having drinks and dessert.
I feel for you op. Very specific lists set out in advance is the way to go.

@NotBabiesForLong

I have posted in chat, not AIBU. I have stated that there are other things pre existing throughout the year, and on going (at work.) (He attends a counsellor, an informal test, etc, things I am not wanting to go into here, as it is CHAT). I havent mentioned the word Autistic. I have said on the spectrum.

My query is whether Christmas day has highlighted what you had previously thought and, in a more exaggerated scenario, re-inforced that thought.

So what spectrum do you think he might be on if not the autistic spectrum,autism is a huge spectrum and I hate how some people minimize a disability ,in some cases its very disabling .

I don’t think it matters if he’s autistic or not (‘on the spectrum’ is just another way of saying ‘autistic’ btw).

What I’m taking from this is that - regardless of root cause - there are things he’s struggling with but won’t take responsibility for managing, which therefore impacts the rest of the house, primarily OP.

It shows up more at Christmas (and most likely will do at other crunch points like weddings, bereavements, etc) but it’s there the rest of the time. If he was recognising the issues and taking steps with OP to understand, manage, and mitigate together then I doubt OP would be at the end of her tether. Instead OP feels like she’s trying to do that, along with everything else, on her own. And that would be the same if the root cause was autism, a broken leg, or the mains water having been cut off.

Heaters, thank you. Exactly that.

Lists are the way forward. And, after Xmas calms down we will both run through it and adjust for next time.

@Bargoed

Just for some of you virtue signallers - Autism is actually pretty common - diagnosed autism is in the UK 1 in 100 and in the US up to 1 in 44 - thats without loads of undiagnosed which is probably quite significant in high functioning adults.

The OP was excusing DV or anger issues as ASD, she was describing a particular pattern of behaviour that many of us on or living with asd partners/children recognise.

This attitude of its never asd if the behaviour is a bit shit - when frankly it often blatantly IS is really fuckibg irratating especially when you live with it and see asd behaviours everyday that are shit to love with.

When you live with kids who have meltdowns from sensory overload and are smashing up the house and some holier than thou fucker on here goes 'asd never causes anger issues that's just being a twat' - you are just the 'nuce' version of the parents at the school gate going 'oh its not special needs it bad parenting - boundaries don't you know'

ASD can cause and does cause twatish behaviour

I'm well aware if that thanks I have a severely autistic child who also has learning disabilities and challenging behaviour ,I just hate the way it's minimized on here ,nobody on here can diagnose from a thread .

I havent mentioned the word Autistic. I have said on the spectrum.

What spectrum are you referring to if not autism? Whichever phrasing you still expressed the same idea.

That is such a disingenuous attempt to deflect responsibility for what you have said.

@x2boys - It wasn't just at you, though you are minimizing how stressful being a partner to someone with ASD can be - living with somone with executive functioning issues which are exerbated by stress and change can be incredibly difficult. Being an adult with high functioning ASD particularly undiagnosed can make you feel inadequate, depressed, anxious and often suicidal. The symptoms may be different to low functioning but the have just as much impact on people's lives and those around them. It's still a disability.

My husband has Asperger’s and can empathise, do complex routine completion (lay table, clear afterwards, knows what to put on). Although somethings may be missed (cruet set, fill glasses) and yea, it gets irritating. But it’s him, and he does his share of all housework.

He can be a twat and have meltdowns too. But he can show empathy, love & compassion (not sure why anyone still thinks people with ASD are robots ffs).

His real sticking point is not foreseeing things that need to happen - glasses are in the table, but won’t serve the wine, or will wash up but not think to go around to check for other cups or plates - so we list, list & list again.

Asperger’s & autism isn’t shorthand for being a twat, or vice versa.

He is an archetypical boffin; I think sometimes his brain is simply doing other things, so can’t load the ‘collect the cups then make a brew’ instructions.

@Arren12

Its very offensive when people try using autism as an excuse or reason for shit behavior. No op your husband is not on the spectrum because he can't be bothered to do anything. I mean he might be on the spectrum as might you and anyone else for that matter, I don't know but it has nothing to do with this.

People who are autistic are not useless. Thet absolutely can do tasks without promoting and do see what needs doing.

Also please stop with the notion that autistic don't have empathy. They have empathy in spades. They can actually more empathetic than NT people in my opinion as they/ww are very aware of how behavior impacts on others and why etc...

This

[quote NotBabiesForLong]@pinkyredrose I'm not explaining myself well, because he isn't. During normal times he does things, happily hoovers, changes the beds, does the laundry. He isn't stuck in male or female role models.

But it is the change to routine, and quite simply not seeing what is in front of his eyes. But happy to follow literal instructions.[/quote]
Too many cooks can spoil the broth.
Are you controlling about the way things have to be? Does he have to redo tasks that he hasn’t “done right”?
My sister is highly controlling. Everything is always wrong and has to be redone to her specs. But if you stand back and let her get on with it you’re lazy and unhelpful. She didn’t sit down during dinner yesterday but washed up the starter plates while the rest of us ate the main course. Because the rest of us were too lazy to think of it.
Can you tell we just had a family get-together yesterday? And that I won’t be attending any such event again any time soon?

@bargoed I agree.

@caronawireless I hear what you are saying. But the backstop is more along @bargoed line.

Every thing else aside, he can ask the gp for a diagnosis pathway. If he wants that. Depending on where you are in the UK you might be better off going private.

I have children with ASD and suspect I have too but I get varying opinions from "of course you have" to "what makes you even think that?"

Asd looks very different person to person.

It depends if a diagnosis would help him

"Its very offensive when people try using autism as an excuse or reason for shit behavior. No op your husband is not on the spectrum because he can't be bothered to do anything. I mean he might be on the spectrum as might you and anyone else for that matter, I don't know but it has nothing to do with this.

People who are autistic are not useless. Thet absolutely can do tasks without promoting and do see what needs doing.

Also please stop with the notion that autistic don't have empathy. They have empathy in spades. They can actually more empathetic than NT people in my opinion as they/ww are very aware of how behavior impacts on others and why etc...''

It's a spectrum darling - One of the Triad of impairment is lack of 'empathy' - it's called theory of mind-its not about not caring is about a lack of social imagination.
It doesn't mean every with ASD has no empathy as Spectrum is in the fucking name BUT inability to put yourselves in somone else's shoes is a very common trait among those diagnosed.

What exactly do you people think ASD is - what do you think the diagnostic criteria are ???