Xmas day arguments- Is DH somewhere on the spectrum?

[NotBabiesForLong]

I am just venting. Grrrrr. I have long suspected DH to be somewhere on the spectrum, but he chooses not to probe for diagnosis.

Christmas (and life) admin falls to me. He can't see what needs to be done without a list. And what isn't on the list is missed.

Xmas day ended in a blow up as I was the only person doing EVERYTHING, and not a soul had offered to get me a drink, help set table, help wash up. Etc etc.

I did call them out on it. And they did start to help slightly. But DH simply doesn't know what to do to help. It doesn't come naturally to him in the slightest. But given precise jobs (put cutlery out. Now put glasses out....shouted over my shoulder whilst I am cooking) He is happy to do...but that job doesn't prompt him to think "put salt and pepper out" etc.

Is this just our house? I don't think he is being a rubbish man, I think it is simply more. I do try not to enable it by calling him out on it. But, it does grind you down and spoil the Christmas atmosphere.

He lacks empathy, and is very very matter of fact, and doesn't like to ask for help or be told, yet doesn't know. Grrrrr.

Xmas will soon be over, yay!

This is just hilarious - so many of you actively denying one of the main diagnostic criteria of ASD 😂😂😂😂😂

On the spectrum generally is shorthand for the autistic spectrum disorder- ASD. What did you mean by it OP? Are you thinking it includes things like dyspraxia and adhd which can have some overlap with autism in terms of organisational skills and ability to focus?

Dear OP

Have you thought about adult ADHD?

@prawnpartyringgames quite possibly. We (he included) believe there is something. And have done for sometime, not just as a result of one Xmas day

A one size fits all definition doesn't quite seem right. He is v successful, v high functioning at things, but comparatively not at others. The gap is more vast and obvious in a stressful one off situation such as Xmas Dinner.

(I am sorry to have caused offence to people. That has not been the intention)

@jujules20 yes. We have wondered about that.

my husband got an autism diagnoses 2 weeks ago and he would be very similar

last week we bought a hardback note book, and we bought sat down and wrote out everything that needed to be done on Christmas eve and Christmas day.

He wrote down the details on how he was going to cook the meats, what cocktails he wanted to make, the menu etc.

It was brilliant and worked really well. Everytime he got overwhelmed or didnt know what to do, he went to the book and found a task and completed it.

We are going to use this book for all big ocassions, Easter, holidays etc

@NotBabiesForLong It really is worth paying for a private consultation - NHS pathway for adults with no major MH comorbidities is very long wait in most areas.

He does not wish to be diagnosed. But there are other elements for which he seeks treatment (I do not wish to go into details)

From a distance looking on, I am trying to join up the dots and do not think they are unconnected. And connecting them may lead to more understanding and a sense of peace regarding some behaviours

I may not be making much sense. As this is not my area of expertise.

@elizabethdraper. Worth looking into apps and or just lists on the computer as they can be just reused every year and updated and adapted.

The only way to find out will be via a diagnosis, NHS can be very long in some areas for adults.
Fwiw I am autistic and see some of myself in that post. I struggle to know what to do without a list/don't do much if not prompted, at Christmas time it's a thousand times worse and I struggle a lot to the point I basically just want to sleep through December, but as this thread shows not everyone who has autism is like that, he could have autism he might not.

@elizabethdraper he is very successful at work. And since working from home, I see that this detailed list approach is what he does work wise. This adds to my conclusions of where we are now.

I agree, it would be a very good strategy for future.

Cooking with my non-nt dp used to be a nightmare but now is perfect as he gets all the jobs I hate and he loves. . .

His jobs:

Prepping veg (chopping and peeling)
Working out timings for when everything goes in and out the oven (I tell him how long everything takes and he creates a project plan for it all)
Selecting and pairing wines

He does this for any roasts we cook and it means I can then focus on million other things that need to be done whilst knowing that he’s got.

He also does all the clearing and dishwashing and having those set tasks helps him deal with the extra guests and change in routine.

@Bargoed do not call me darling and also do not swear at me. You can make a point without resulting in that sort of behavior.

To be honest a diagnosis would help you avoid the problem you are having of not really understanding his condition and what are his support needs vs if he can do something but is just being unhelpful. If he is autistic or has another condition which makes organisation hard you can plan in advance exactly what he will do e.g have a list with times of doing things, or maybe scale back the amount you both do to make things less stressful. If he is capable but just being lazy that's a different conversation.

@Arren12

Its very offensive when people try using autism as an excuse or reason for shit behavior. No op your husband is not on the spectrum because he can't be bothered to do anything. I mean he might be on the spectrum as might you and anyone else for that matter, I don't know but it has nothing to do with this.

People who are autistic are not useless. Thet absolutely can do tasks without promoting and do see what needs doing.

Also please stop with the notion that autistic don't have empathy. They have empathy in spades. They can actually more empathetic than NT people in my opinion as they/ww are very aware of how behavior impacts on others and why etc...

Utterly agree, I see this time and time again on MN. Both DH and I are autistic and very empathetic and not lazy. This behaviour is not typical of autism, it is typical of a shit partner

[quote Bargoed]@elizabethdraper. Worth looking into apps and or just lists on the computer as they can be just reused every year and updated and adapted.[/quote]
The notebooks works better for us, as we can both add to it and check it and is easy to transport.

The idea is that we keep the same note book or the next few years. we have added notes of what worked or didnt.

[quote NotBabiesForLong]@elizabethdraper he is very successful at work. And since working from home, I see that this detailed list approach is what he does work wise. This adds to my conclusions of where we are now.

I agree, it would be a very good strategy for future.[/quote]
Yes, he would be quite successful, he works in statistics so it all excel formulas, patterns, lists etc.

@elizabethdraper snap it sounds like the same job.

@elizabethdraper - I can totally understand that - lots of research that wrighting can help this sort of function - sone new stuff that it's an even more significant effect in people with executive function isdues

In our house they would just be lost 😂

@Bargoed

It's a spectrum darling - One of the Triad of impairment is lack of 'empathy' - it's called theory of mind-its not about not caring is about a lack of social imagination

It doesn't mean every with ASD has no empathy as Spectrum is in the fucking name BUT inability to put yourselves in somone else's shoes is a very common trait among those diagnosed

What a patronising, ignorant and deeply ableist comment! No wonder autistic people have such a hard time in life when they face such genuine ignorance as demonstrated by this poster (and the OP with her “I’ve said on the spectrum not autistic”)

As has been repeatedly said on this thread, autistic people DO have empathy and in many cases lots and lots of it. But you clearly do not understand the difference between cognitive and affective empathy and that is hugely important. So stop spreading lies and misinformation about us - you are causing huge damage to the general public’s understanding of autism.

I really wish MN would come down a little harder on bigoted posters like this. It’s completely unacceptable that so many posters here, who clearly do not understand autism (particularly in adults without learning. Difficulties) yet are allowed to continually spout utter shite about us.

@Bargoed are you ok? You seem in a bad place.
I don't understand why your telling me to jog on when I simply asked you not to sware at me.