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Original poster

Parents wanted Xmas day to themselves and I feel sad

76 replies

Mummywantsaweewee · 25/12/2021 17:47

I’m in my thirties and today was the first time I’ve ever not seen my parents xmas day. I saw them yesterday with my baby but I just feel sad. It’s not the same and I respect their wishes to have Christmas Day together alone but I can’t help feeling sad I’ve not see them today. I feel like a giant baby

OP posts:

ImmutableSexQueen · 25/12/2021 17:50

I feel for you.
I think too much is expected of Christmas. We need to play it down a bit, or structure it so that only the people closest to us are really necessary. You and your baby are enough.

Original poster

Mummywantsaweewee · 25/12/2021 17:53

@ImmutableSexQueen I know. Tbh It’s not about the presents for me it’s just about seeing your loved ones so I guess I just feel sad they didn’t want to see me today this year. One day they won’t be here!

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/12/2021 17:55

Think that’s rubbish of them OP

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SockFluffInTheBath · 25/12/2021 17:58

If they want Christmas Day alone something must have driven that. Are they normally compromising what they want to run round after other people, or looking after other people, or doing things how other people want/need/expect them?

Papertrail392 · 25/12/2021 18:02

Are you alone with your baby today? In a way it's nice that your parents feel able to ask for a day on their own if that's what they feel they need. So many of us are pulled in so many directions at Christmas and feel unable to say no to anything for fear of upsetting anyone.

CornedBeef451 · 25/12/2021 18:07

About 10 years ago my parents started going away at Christmas. I think DF would like to see us on the day occasionally but DM is very clear she would rather be away.

Even last year when it was possible for us to be together they chose to spend the day alone.

I think it's weird but have had to accept that's what they want to do.

They hadn't even hosted for at least 20 to 25 years so it's not the amount of work involved!

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 25/12/2021 18:09

Make Christmas the way you want it with your dc op.
When they need you be a shame if you have your own plans.
They sound awful.
Who doesn't want to see their dc /dgc on Christmas day?

diddl · 25/12/2021 18:38

Unusual if it left you on your own I would have thought.

knittingaddict · 25/12/2021 18:38

Do you have a partner op? I think that makes a huge difference to how unreasonable/reasonable anyone is here.

Both of our adult children are elsewhere this year and, to be honest, its been lovely being just the two of us. No expectations, no making endless cups of tea and making sure everyone's happy. It's been a lovley opportunity to recharge slightly after a very hard few months. On Wednesday we are back to the difficulties and we are relishing the peace. Maybe your parents needed that too.

knittingaddict · 25/12/2021 18:42

I would also add that we've never established a pattern (mill stone around our necks) with Christmas. Every year we take it how it comes. We've spent it with extended family, just immediate family, just the two of us, with a large group of friends. Pretty much every year is different and no one's expectations are dashed.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/12/2021 18:44

@CornedBeef451

About 10 years ago my parents started going away at Christmas. I think DF would like to see us on the day occasionally but DM is very clear she would rather be away.

Even last year when it was possible for us to be together they chose to spend the day alone.

I think it's weird but have had to accept that's what they want to do.

They hadn't even hosted for at least 20 to 25 years so it's not the amount of work involved!

Going away is different- if in the U.K., not on holiday- then you should want to be with family

knittingaddict · 25/12/2021 18:45

From your other posts it appears that you do have a partner op, so not really on your own. Who usually hosts Christmas?

Original poster

Mummywantsaweewee · 25/12/2021 18:47

No I’m not on my own and I don’t go to my parents for xmas dinner it’s just popping round to exchange gifts have a cuddle and a cuppa say happy Christmas and then I go back home and DH sees his mum too. So I just feel sad (and like a giant baby for doing so) that they didn’t want to see me for two hours xmas day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummywantsaweewee · 25/12/2021 18:50

But I respect how they feel and haven’t told them it’s hurt my feelings. I’m sure it is nice for them to have xmas day just them but for me it’s about family and I just feel sad.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 25/12/2021 18:53

There can be a bit of a clash of styles at Christmas, because the traditions of two families come together in a couple, and a new way needs to be explored. Sometimes parents find that extra hard.

Mine started going on holiday every Christmas, basically I think because mum hated not being the centre of attention and her presents comparing unfavourably with my IL's.

I feel really sad that we couldn't find a way to combine the families. Sad that my mum preferred to go away rather than enjoying her grandchildren.

Kite22 · 25/12/2021 18:53

I think it depends on all sorts of things - but mostly why they have said this.
Like knittingaddict we have deliberately not established any sort of rota or 'expectation'.

LadyCleathStuart · 25/12/2021 19:03

Solidarity OP.

Slightly different situation but my parents usually go to either my house or my DB's for dinner then we all (parents and both my and DB's families) go back to their house for a small family party.

Parents said they were coming to ours for dinner but not having anyone back to theirs which is fine, they want peace. Later find out they are still having DB's family there, just didn't want ours because SIL hates young kids now hers have grown and she can't be arsed with mine anymore basically. Parents just going along with it like its no big deal.

Seen them all in a different light now.

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/12/2021 19:04

It’s ok to feel sad OP, Christmas is a mult generational day for many people. Is this to do with Covid, will they be with you next year - or can you encourage them to be?

Justlovedogs · 25/12/2021 19:20

@Mummywantsaweewee

I feel for you, OP. It's my first Christmas without both my parents. Just so want to hug my mum, it hurts and I'm nearly 50! As you say, they won't be there forever. I know you don't want to hurt them, but I'd suggest having a gentle discussion before next Christmas or you'll feel the same again.

mcmooberry · 25/12/2021 19:22

@LadyCleathStuart that is very hurtful, especially the lying about it, nothing more maddening than being lied to.

Toddlerteaplease · 25/12/2021 19:23

My parents uninvited me as they are worried about covid. I get it OP. It really hurts. I came up an alternative plan, but was on my own all day. Felt really sad.

MichelleScarn · 25/12/2021 21:02

@LadyCleathStuart that's awful. Why are they happier to give the demanding one what she wants rather than spend time with their gc?

BogRollBOGOF · 25/12/2021 21:18

It was begining anyway but Covid has really exacerbated it (mainly due to 2+ years of neglected general health care) but DM seems to only want to see local DB who was her bubble and her friends. She doesn't seem to have any desire to see my DCs and today is 2 years since she saw DS1.
I get it. But it does sting.

Inthewainscoting · 25/12/2021 22:19

YANBU OP, that sounds odd to me. Are your parents normally a bit emotionally distant, is the "dropping round for a couple of hours" somehow exhausting for them (noisy baby?), do they not get on with you or your DP, do they work long hours up to last thing Xmas Eve?

My parents weren't perfect but I too would have been taken aback and just a bit hurt if they were at home on Xmas Day but told me I couldn't even come round for a cup of tea. And surprised!

pradavilla · 26/12/2021 00:18

I'd be really hurt too and I wldnt be able to contain it.

Why can't they see you and their grandchild for an hour on Christmas Day and have the rest of the day all to themselves. Sounds absolutely boring just the 2 of them all day but if that's what they want 🤷🏻‍♀️

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