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Original poster

Parents wanted Xmas day to themselves and I feel sad

76 replies

Mummywantsaweewee · 25/12/2021 17:47

I’m in my thirties and today was the first time I’ve ever not seen my parents xmas day. I saw them yesterday with my baby but I just feel sad. It’s not the same and I respect their wishes to have Christmas Day together alone but I can’t help feeling sad I’ve not see them today. I feel like a giant baby Sad

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 26/12/2021 14:29

I'm sorry you're sad. That's obviously never a nice feeling.

I always thought we were a tight knit family but I guess I was wrong. DH sees his mum everyday before/after work.

However this ^ stands out to me. Very few adult children see their parents daily - that's quite an unusually high level of contact unless there are caring needs involved, so don't make the mistake of comparing your parental relationships and assuming his is somehow better or closer.

It sounds to me like a lot of the visits involve you going there - do you ever invite your parents to your home and offer to host them instead? Maybe they're a bit fed up of playing host to you and DD all the time and would prefer to be the guests for a change?

Original poster
Mummywantsaweewee · 26/12/2021 14:52

@icedcoffees I don’t expect to see my parents that often but it is an extreme comparison and tbh does make me feel worse. He’s always popped in to see his parents (just his mum now) on way to or back from work. They’ve always been pleased to see him. I realise it’s not the norm.
My dad doesn’t go to anyone’s house (even pre-pandemic), so only way to see him is to go there, mum does come over to mine for a cuppa once a week. I think I’ve seen my dad twice in the last 6 months and we live 5 mins away by car, I don’t ask to go over anymore I wait to be invited. Reading back over my posts it seems they’re becoming more and more introverted which is fine, it’s their life, but I suppose I wasn’t expecting it.

OP posts:
Arrowheart · 26/12/2021 14:55

This is my parents every year. We haven't had an invite to spend Christmas day with them in over 20 years.

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ILoveHuskies · 26/12/2021 14:58

@LadyCleathStuart that is so out of order of them all I really feel for you, I'd be devastated

Your Sil sounds vile

SuPerDoPer · 26/12/2021 15:10

I'm shocked at the idea that people have to want to spend Christmas with their extended families every year and aren't allowed to have a peaceful day once in a while.

I'm with your parents, people should enjoy Christmas any way they want and grown adults with partners and children of their own can put on their big girl pants and deal with it. There are 364 other days a year to impose on your parents.

FlipFlops4Me · 26/12/2021 15:16

@SuPerDoPer

I'm shocked at the idea that people have to want to spend Christmas with their extended families every year and aren't allowed to have a peaceful day once in a while.

I'm with your parents, people should enjoy Christmas any way they want and grown adults with partners and children of their own can put on their big girl pants and deal with it. There are 364 other days a year to impose on your parents.

Exactly! It's just one day folks - and for very tired aging parents it can be a sheer pleasure to be able to spend a day together just chilling. Just easy together. Bliss.
Kite22 · 26/12/2021 15:35

Ah, I hear you OP.
It isn't that you are trying to imply they can't choose to do that, you are just acknowledging it makes you feel sad that they don't want to see you.
I understand as folk get older, a full on jam packed Christmas Day isn't as appealing as a calmer one, but, when they are local, I think I would be sad too if my parents didn't even want to see us for an hour.

sunshinesupermum · 26/12/2021 15:36

I'm sorry OP. I would also feel hurt.

I don't see DD1 and my two grandsons ever at Xmas because we as a family have never made a big deal of it so they go to the inlaws who do make a very big deal as well as provide childcare so DD1 gets a break. There is only me and my DP here and Xmas Day for the past two years has been just the two of us because DD2 was stuck due to Covid. Yesterday was thoroughly miserable even though we spoke and videod.

I hope you can talk this out with your parents. They probably feel that seeing you Xmas Eve is the same as on Xmas Day.

TulipVictory · 26/12/2021 15:46

Do your Parents just not what you at their house ?

icedcoffees · 26/12/2021 15:48

[quote Mummywantsaweewee]@icedcoffees I don’t expect to see my parents that often but it is an extreme comparison and tbh does make me feel worse. He’s always popped in to see his parents (just his mum now) on way to or back from work. They’ve always been pleased to see him. I realise it’s not the norm.
My dad doesn’t go to anyone’s house (even pre-pandemic), so only way to see him is to go there, mum does come over to mine for a cuppa once a week. I think I’ve seen my dad twice in the last 6 months and we live 5 mins away by car, I don’t ask to go over anymore I wait to be invited. Reading back over my posts it seems they’re becoming more and more introverted which is fine, it’s their life, but I suppose I wasn’t expecting it.[/quote]
It sounds like there's a lot more to it than them not wanting you to come over on Christmas Day - would that be accurate?

SkepticalSandra · 26/12/2021 15:57

Oooor they get to do what they want to and expecting something from someone else is quite selfish

Exhausteddog · 26/12/2021 16:01

I would also be disappointed OP.
I know its only a day and for us we always celebrate with family on 27th/28th because BIL is normally working on Xmas day, but I disagree with people who say there are 364 other days - how many familys have no work, school, holiday or other commitments that they could all literally get together for several hours on any day of the year...? Hmm

diddl · 26/12/2021 16:26

Can your Dad just not be bothered with the kids then?

Itsnotdeep · 26/12/2021 16:30

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Think that’s rubbish of them OP
It's not rubbish of them. There were so many threads about with so many people (women mostly) feeling overwhelmed/exhausted/resentful/put upon, and the overwhelming advice on here was to start saying no. To have the Christmas that you want. Her parents have said no.

But yanbu to be upset about that. It's just one day OP.

shinynewapple21 · 26/12/2021 16:34

Is this a recent change in your parents behaviour OP? Is it around Covid and they are worried because you are out mixing a lot more than they are ? Has this change in them come through the lockdown, so all the messages about stay at home , be safe, isolate etc ? Do your parents see other people? I am guessing that they are probably in their 60s? To me, their behaviour sounds worrying and more what I would expect of someone in their 80s.

It's very different from the normal Christmas issues where grandparents are upset because their children are deciding to spend Christmas just with their partners and children .

I understand people saying that it's your parents choice , but I can understand you would feel sad by this, and also a concern for your parents if this is a change in their behaviour .

huuskymam · 26/12/2021 16:38

Before covid hit, my parents went away every year for Xmas for about 10 years. My mother couldn't deal with the stress of decorating, Shopping, cooking. It never bothered me or my siblings and usually had a family dinner when they came back.

shinynewapple21 · 26/12/2021 16:52

Another thought - has your mum been in the position where until recently she has been the host for Christmas for both her children and the older generation ?

If that's the case it may be that they are trying to now say to you that the old traditions don't need to be kept (ie passed on to you) and that you are free to start new traditions with your own family .

AlternativePerspective · 26/12/2021 16:58

This kind of attitude is ridiculous.

If parents don’t want to see their children over Christmas they’re out of order, and elsewhere parents who do want to see their children over Christmas are out of order.

It’s a day. Presumably they might invite you round for a Sunday roast on the odd occasion? In which case it’s essentially the same thing unless you all have a tradition of going to midnight mass together and coming home to open the stockings.

I will never understand the pressure people put on other people with regard to what they should want to do with their time. It’s as much Christmas for the parents as it is for the children,and as much as the children might want to spend time with the parents, so the parents might want to spend the time on their own.

FixItUpChappie · 26/12/2021 16:58

They also asked you to stop coming by Sunday's? Is this COVID related? What have said/alluded to as the reason for all the space? It doesn't sound like just Christmas that's the issue but a distancing in general from what was a close relationship....?

icedcoffees · 26/12/2021 16:59

I will never understand the pressure people put on other people with regard to what they should want to do with their time. It’s as much Christmas for the parents as it is for the children,and as much as the children might want to spend time with the parents, so the parents might want to spend the time on their own.

Perfectly said @AlternativePerspective.

CovidForChristmas · 26/12/2021 17:11

my toddler hides from my dad when we do go there as he’s so unused to him and my baby cries when he is held by him
I hope you don’t say this sort of stuff to them. My DC don’t get to see my parents that often for a variety of reasons but they wouldn’t hide from them when we do go!
I think your expectations are too high. As I get older I find it harder to tolerate others. I prefer my own company. I think they should be entitled to be honest about their preference for Christmas Day.

HeddaGarbled · 26/12/2021 17:26

OK, you’re narrowing it down. It’s your dad, not your mum. He’s reclusive. Is this just with you or with everyone? A recent development or he’s always been like this?

SockFluffInTheBath · 26/12/2021 17:35

Is he particularly worried about Covid OP? Or maybe as he’s got older he’s just not into being around small children?

Original poster
Mummywantsaweewee · 26/12/2021 18:17

Sorry I’m not going to answer individually but
No they’re not overly concerned about covid. Sensible yes but they aren’t hermits. They go to the shops etc.
My dad doesn’t like socialising but before the first lockdown I went there every Sunday, and had done for years. And that was because they asked me to because they missed me when I left home. So I started going to their house on Sundays and had dinner with them but since having the kids we just go for a couple of hours and a cup of tea.
I don’t mix much. I’m a sahm and also work from home freelance so I see my friends occasionally when their shift pattern allows but that’s it really.
I’ve not had Christmas dinner at theirs in years and I’m not bothered about that. I don’t expect to go theirs for a meal it was just disappointing they didn’t want to see me even for an hour.
I absolutely have not said anything about my childrens behaviour there. And I don’t need to - it’s quite obvious my toddler freezes and waits for my dad to leave the room 😞
For those who haven’t read properly, no I’m not expecting anything from them and I do respect their wishes. I said ok no problem when they said they said they wanted xmas just them this year - I just felt sad about it but haven’t let them know. That’s all.

OP posts:
carlyswirly · 26/12/2021 21:57

Oh op, I totally get why you're feeling this way. I would too and can understand why it's hurtful.