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Original poster

Parents wanted Xmas day to themselves and I feel sad

76 replies

Mummywantsaweewee · 25/12/2021 17:47

I’m in my thirties and today was the first time I’ve ever not seen my parents xmas day. I saw them yesterday with my baby but I just feel sad. It’s not the same and I respect their wishes to have Christmas Day together alone but I can’t help feeling sad I’ve not see them today. I feel like a giant baby Sad

OP posts:
Fizbosshoes · 26/12/2021 08:19

@LadyCleathStuartSlightly different situation but my parents usually go to either my house or my DB's for dinner then we all (parents and both my and DB's families) go back to their house for a small family party.

Parents said they were coming to ours for dinner but not having anyone back to theirs which is fine, they want peace. Later find out they are still having DB's family there, just didn't want ours because SIL hates young kids now hers have grown and she can't be arsed with mine anymore basically.Parents just going along with it like its no big deal

I had a similar scenario a few years ago. I have a small family so even if we invite everyone its not an overwhelming amount of people. I invited the IL (who usually go to SIL , who lives close by and they see most days) They said no, because they liked to have a quiet Xmas on their own.
But saw them a few days later and they had (of course) been to SIL.... with 18 other people.
I'd have preferred it if they said they didn't want to drive far, or had already accepted a prior invite but felt more offended that they had lied about spending it on their own.

friedeggandsauce · 26/12/2021 08:37

This sounds a bit odd to me, is there anything else that may have happened? I don't understand why you popping in stops them having a quiet Christmas really. Did they seem off on Christmas Eve?

Cheeseboardandcrackers · 26/12/2021 08:48

My in-laws are the same now, not wanting us there all day, but there are health and age reasons attached. Could it be any of those op?

We go up to in-laws for an hour, meet dh’s brother and his family there, then go off to do our thing. We prefer it tbh, as PILs are not the most entertaining of people, a bit negative tbh, but all of this works for all of us.

How long do you pop up to theirs for ?

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Events & celebrations
icedcoffees · 26/12/2021 08:48

DH and I haven't seen either set of parents on Christmas Day since we moved in together four years ago and tbh it's lovely.

No expectations. No having to get up by a certain time. No need to get dressed if you don't want to. No need to cook or host or anything like that. It's so so much less stressful. We do see parents of course, but before or after when it's quieter and there isn't so much pressure on everyone to host and be merry.

Christmas really is just another day. If you otherwise see your parents regularly then please try not to let it upset you. Make new traditions with your baby instead Smile

icedcoffees · 26/12/2021 08:52

@pradavilla

I'd be really hurt too and I wldnt be able to contain it.

Why can't they see you and their grandchild for an hour on Christmas Day and have the rest of the day all to themselves. Sounds absolutely boring just the 2 of them all day but if that's what they want 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe what you see as boring, others see as calm, peaceful and relaxing.

It's been a tough year or two for many, maybe they felt they couldn't cope with the pressures of guests and hosting this time around.

OP - did you invite them to your house instead? Maybe they wanted to be the guests for once instead of the hosts?

HeddaGarbled · 26/12/2021 08:54

There’ll be a real reason which they’re tactfully not telling you: can’t cope with noise from the baby; don’t like your partner; something about your behaviour? Have a think.

Bagelsandbrie · 26/12/2021 09:11

That is odd. Fair enough if they don’t want to host / do all the work but to specifically say they don’t even want you and the baby to pop round for presents etc that is weird. Is it covid / your partner related?

AlinaSquareQueen · 26/12/2021 09:20

This thread makes me really sad 😢.

For the OP particularly, as there seems to be no rational or excusable reason for their decision. I would find it hard to make peace or amends with them, for some time.

But also to the PP who said they were uninvited by parents because of worries over Covid, and then were on their own. How cruel! Why could they not have accepted proof of a negative LFT? It makes me so sad and angry.

In my experience and opinion, the pandemic has brought out the worst in some people, and others have lost all sense of perspective.

In my own case, my elderly parents like to be on their own on Christmas Day, mainly because my DM is anti-social, and my DF (very extroverted), just goes along with it. We all like this arrangement because my DM can be unpleasant to be around. BUT, neither of them are worried about Covid at all.

CornedBeef451 · 26/12/2021 09:49

@OnlyFoolsnMothers they go on an OAP coach trip and stay in a nice hotel. A couple of my aunties go too so, as DM pointed out, they are with family, just not us!

It's a bit weird but they are otherwise very loving so we're all used to it now.

ssd · 26/12/2021 09:52

Im sorry @Mummywantsaweewee, that sounds rubbish

parrotonmyshoulder · 26/12/2021 10:12

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

‘Going away is different- if in the U.K., not on holiday- then you should want to be with family’

How can you say what other people ‘should want’?

Perhaps the parents are dealing with something OP doesn’t know about - e.g. physical or mental illness, bad news from a friend, money worries. Or perhaps they find having OP’s family round very difficult for some reason.

SummerWillow · 26/12/2021 10:16

Both my parents passed away this year. We suggested seeing DH's Mum on Christmas Day but she was already having a day with BIL and family and her elderly aunt. I was sad we were therefore alone (my brother also had other plans). As DH's Mum said, 'We didn't know both your parents were going to die!!' Well, couldn't you have felt a bit sad for me and included us?? (Space not an issue there btw.)

Sadly Christmas is a time when we keenly feel what seem to be slights to us, but I suspect aren't meant that way. OP I would have a chat to your parents about it some time in a low key way. Maybe they don't realise how it's made you feel.

carlyswirly · 26/12/2021 11:14

Some of these are really inexplicable and sad. It makes no sense to me that you wouldn't want to share things like Christmas with family, if the relationship is generally a healthy one. I cannot imagine ever turning the dcs away.

You have the other 364 days of the year to spend as a couple if your dcs are grown up.

YuleiamsaidI · 26/12/2021 11:17

I get what you mean,my mum and her partner have said they are going away next Christmas,will be the first time in 46 years I've not seen her Christmas day.

icedcoffees · 26/12/2021 11:20

@carlyswirly

Some of these are really inexplicable and sad. It makes no sense to me that you wouldn't want to share things like Christmas with family, if the relationship is generally a healthy one. I cannot imagine ever turning the dcs away.

You have the other 364 days of the year to spend as a couple if your dcs are grown up.

But that's not necessarily true, is it?

Most people with grown up children still work full-time. They may do some childcare for their grandchildren or have caring responsibilities for parents or other elderly relatives. People still work, volunteer and have hobbies even if their children are grown.

I think people put so much pressure on one day of the year - it has to be "perfect", it has to be spent with families, it has to be this, it has to be that. I do think if there was less pressure, people would enjoy it more.

It just really doesn't sit right with me that people are lambasted for wanting to spend Christmas Day quietly at home with their partners.

Kshhuxnxk · 26/12/2021 11:27

But you seen them.on Christmas Eve? Are you at theirs every day?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 26/12/2021 11:29

I feel for you OP.
18 years ago I invited my parents for Christmas, it was our first Christmas with our first baby in our first house that we had just bought. They declined, I felt really hurt tbh.

SingleHandSue · 26/12/2021 11:37

My ILs don’t like to see anyone at Christmas either. Coming from a family that loved being together at Christmas I find it utterly bizarre.

They literally live round the corner but won’t pop over and have made it very clear we’re not to go there. (We tried one year when they DC were little, just to take gifts and say hi but they ignored us and wouldn’t answer the door)

I know a few colleagues of my MIL and they tell me how she’s always talked about how much more of the family she can see once she retires. However she’s semi retired now, only working 2 days a week, and we still haven’t seen her.

diddl · 26/12/2021 11:47

Perhaps they think it strange that you didn't want to be at home with your husband & baby?

Is it a coincidence that the first CD they want to be alone you have a baby?

Are you a bit too much on CD?

ghostmouse · 26/12/2021 12:16

I don’t see my mum and her partner anymore in Xmas day,

I think she’d love to see me secretly but shes72, and she just wants the quiet day day now, no rushing about trying to fit us all in. I could see the relief on her face when I suggested that we see them Xmas eve again and we had a buffet there.

I don’t think it odd that parents want a day to themselves on Xmas day. It’s just one bloody day!

YukoandHiro · 26/12/2021 12:44

I don't blame you for feeling upset.
This year has really highlighted differences in our households too. Me, DH and our two DC usually spend Xmas day with my parents and we did yesterday but it was a disaster. They can't cope with the demands/high energy of my 4yo and 1yo on high excitement. We've agreed to see each other on Boxing Day next year...

diddl · 26/12/2021 13:04

"I don’t think it odd that parents want a day to themselves on Xmas day. It’s just one bloody day!"

I can't help feeling that also.

It's not as if Op hasn't/won't see them at all over Christmas.

There's no right or wrong.

MissyB1 · 26/12/2021 13:28

Jeez so many “adults” whining because their parents won’t do what suits their adult dc on Christmas Day!
Bloody hell why can’t parents of adult kids do whatever the hell they like at Christmas?

PineappleMojito · 26/12/2021 13:39

DH and I have Christmas Day on our own sometimes. In past years there’s been foster kids, but when we aren’t fostering (we aren’t at the moment as we help out with our niece and nephew a lot and both work f/t) we prefer things to be quiet and have no demands. Christmas is the one time of year we can easily take a decent block of time off as DH’s work shuts down for 10 days and I have less demand this time of year. I don’t know if your parents are still working OP but we were beyond exhausted when we finished for the year and just needed some time to do absolutely nothing, without any demands from anyone else, even our loved ones tbh.

Original poster
Mummywantsaweewee · 26/12/2021 14:03

Of course they can do what they like xmas day, like I said I was just sad as this is the first time I’ve not seen them xmas day. Ok to some it’s just a day but to me it’s special.
I see my mum once a week when she comes here for a cuppa. My dad works from home but finished for xmas a week ago. My mum doesn’t work. I used to take me and my baby over for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon but that’s stopped as well at their request. Fair enough. But now my toddler hides from my dad when we do go there as he’s so unused to him and my baby cries when he is held by him. Which also makes me sad. Like I said I respect their wishes but I can’t help feeling sad. I always thought we were a tight knit family but I guess I was wrong. DH sees his mum everyday before/after work.

OP posts: