How to respond to messages like this from upcoming guest?

[MerylSqueak]

We have a family member who always joins us for holidays. It's pretty much a standing arrangement. We're happy to have him and love him but he has a terrible way of making us feel that he's making a convenience of us. This isn't a one off but I'll use this one as an example.

We haven't spoken to finalise arrangements for Christmas though we have invited him. I've called or messaged several times over the last few days to ask with no response. This morning I was forwarded a train booking confirmation which was I will admit a few days before I was ready to have him. I then later get a message asking if he can come on that day.

How am I supposed to respond to this? I don't want to make him feel unwelcome, because what's the point of him coming at all if I do, but this just seems to me so rude. Why even bother asking?

Am I just being silly?

how come you were forwarded the train confirmation booking (why did you need to see that), then he asked later? That's a bit weird.
If he's actually asked though I'd say no it doesn't suit.

It sounds like he takes his stay, and you totally for granted.

I'm pretty mean so I would use this as an opportunity to put in boundaries and tell him that it doesn't suit as you have people staying already. It is a bit cheeky to book without checking.

Forward him the website of a local hotel

Depends who it is and how close I was to them but unless I really wanted them to come, I'd say that I'm so sorry but you're not around then and wished they'd checked before booking but they'd have to rearrange to come on whatever date instead.

I'd respond asking him to change his ticket as it's not convenient.

Who is it?

I would be so irritated by this though, I would have put down ground rules as soon as it started.

They have presented you with a fait accompli first and then messaged you afterwards so that you can't very well say no.

Bit cheeky.

“I’m sorry but we have plans and won’t be home on that day”

I think with people like this you have to accept that's the way they are and then weigh up whether you want to continue a relationship or not. There is no point in trying to change them.

In this specific circumstance, if it's too earlier I would just reply saying 'no, that's a little early but we'd love to have you from x date'.

I wonder if he has booked slightly earlier than usual incase there is another lockdown though? That would be my thought.

If he's close family I would message back "Aargh! FFS, we're not prepared! Ok since you're booked go ahead but give me more notice would you."

It's the sort of thing I would have done as a young adult who had left home but basically still thought of it as home.

So he forwarded the train confirmation to twist your arm into saying that date is okay, when he should have checked with you before booking. I don't think you're being silly, it's rude of him.

If this is his usual behaviour, in future I would set the terms myself - tell him he's welcome between x and y date.

The only way to stop this is to stop asking him when he is coming/going and to send him the dates he is invited for.

And yes to sending him the website of a local hotel.

Depends on what relation he is to you, on weather I would tolerate it.

You're not being silly. I'd pretend I hasn't seen the train thing and reply to the message about when to come. 'Weve got plans/things to do on xx day, so come from xx day.' it's up to him to change his ticket.

If he says he's already booked a ticket for xx day say 'ah well hopefully you can change it ok!'

Boundaries.

Cheeky sod. I have a friend like this. These people rely on bulldozing others rather than asking upfront. The only way is to be as brazen as he is in terms of boundary setting. If you don't want him arriving early, tell him that doesn't work for you, and mean it

I think i'd say that it was a bit earlier than you thought, and you have alot on over those days, finalising things for xmas etc but yes its ok for him to come then, but he may find himself amusing himself over those few days or having to help out with everything.
As i'm guessing you don't want to flat out refuse him, perhaps make it as clear as possible that its inconvenient and he'll therefore need to work around your plans.

Ah, the fait accompli!
Tell him ‘No, that doesn’t suit me. Wish you’d checked in advance. Happy to welcome you on date]. Cheery-bye.’

Hi friend.
Sorry but x day works better for us..
Looking forward to seeing you then.
Love op.

When you invited him, didn't you say when he was actually invited from and to?

If not, you're a bit stuffed

@IntermittentParps

Ah, the fait accompli! Tell him ‘No, that doesn’t suit me. Wish you’d checked in advance. Happy to welcome you on date]. Cheery-bye.’

This one! He may be “lovely” but he’s at best inconsiderate and at worst a CF.

You really need to put some boundaries in place! People can only take advantage if you allow them to.
Your guest needs to be taught some manners

Text him back, "that's not convenient for us as we have plans, hope you can change it! See you on the xx"

Say no, it's not. Come on X date.

There is nothing wrong with putting down boundaries if you don't want someone in your house for DAYS more than you thought they would be.